Regretting cutting off my sister in law after hurtful comments

[DaringMember]

Feeling very down.

I am 7 months PP and cut off my sister in law (who had a second baby last week) after things built up for a while, but there was one moment a few weeks ago during a family function where she said some very unkind things about my birth that really tipped me over. I felt belittled and dismissed in a way that stuck with me more than I expected. At the time, it didn’t feel like a small thing, it felt like a pattern, and like I was always the one swallowing it.

So I pulled back to protect myself, and it turned into fully cutting contact. I told ber I was doing so and she accepted it. At first it felt like relief, like I was finally not putting myself in situations where I’d feel small or upset.

But now… I just feel a lot of regret and sadness about how final it’s become. It’s affected the whole family dynamic, and I hate that. I keep thinking maybe I should’ve handled it differently, or at least left the door open instead of shutting it completely.

The hard part is I still don’t feel like what hurt me was “nothing.” I’m not suddenly okay with how I was made to feel. But I also don’t know if cutting her off entirely was the right call long-term.

I don’t know if reaching out would actually help or just make things worse, especially after such little time. And I don’t even know what I’d say without either downplaying my feelings or making it into a bigger thing again.

Has anyone managed to rebuild something after it got to this point? Or figured out how to sit with the regret if you chose not to?

Could you try and get an appointment tomorrow with your GP and ask for some advice/support, I hope you are ok w d have good support x

There is absolutely no chance whatsoever of fixing the relationship between you and your sister in law. None.

You need to forget about everything having a relationship with her at all. You told her what she wanted and she has listened and understood. It ‘turned into’ no contact at all because that’s what you said you wanted. Obviously it’s affected the whole family dynamic.

Your relationship with her is completely over.

What did we miss? Post the links :). Thank you

The OP is extremely unwell. If she chooses to post links to her other threads, that's up to her. But I don't think it would be appropriate for anyone else on this thread to do so.

Post Partum Psychosis is real, it is severe and it is an emergency. It is also reversible over time.

If your SIL actually made a snide or hurtful comment to you and you have clean hands, i.e., you didn't provoke her, then the status of your mental health is not relevant, and she owes you an apology. If you the two of you got into it and she made a comment from the position of an argument then neither one of you has clean hands, but someone has to be the adult and apologize. If you are feeling remorse, then you apologize.

If you were having an episode, and you may not have been aware of it, is it possible you said something that caused her ire and she snapped back at you? Or were you at full capacity and she is just a - what rhymes with itch?

Do you know where you are in the recovery phase? You may have had an episode and do not remember clearly or did not understand, or even hallucinated (a symptom of PPP) what you said or what she said, so it may not even be factual, as PPP disrupts reality.

If you were suffering a recurrence of PPP, which happens, then maybe there is a way out of this quagmire between you, your husband, your MIL and your SIL revolving around PPP behavior over which you have no control.

Even if you were in a phase where you had no control, if you said or did something that was contributory to the incident with your SIL, then it is to you to apologize. It was out of your control, but that doesn't mean you cannot be an adult and be sorry for the unintended behavior even if she is not behaving as an adult. You are not a monster nor even a bad person, you are suffering from a very powerful mental illness. If you were contributory, apologize. If not, better to avoid her for now.

If you are still in the throes of PPP there is light at the end of the tunnel. Hang in there. Keep seeing your doctors. You will get better and better over time.

That is very final and upsetting

OP, I hope you don't mind me asking. If your SIL has said all these things to you, why would you want to reconcile?

I want my baby to have cousins

I am not sure
I cant seem to let go of the birth
It is on my mind 24 hours a day

Op

you will get over the trauma of the birth. It’s quite shocking what a traumatic experience in labour can do to you but here you are

time is a healer - things can improve with your SiL - when the time is right - I don’t know what she did but currently your emotions are heightened

Don’t think too far ahead right now just think about the day you are in and eventually things will improve the memories will slowly fade

It’s what you told her you wanted and it’s the consequences of that. It’s a good thing that she respects what you want and what you need. But it can’t be reversed.

I never said I wanted permanent NC. I said i needed a break kind of thing

Cousins are great if you can have them, but she doesn't need cousins. What she does need, is a mentally healthy mum to love her and support her and bond with her to be her cheerleader in life.

I actually don't think it matters what your SIL said at this point. I think any contact with her feeds your pre-occupation with her and sets your recovery back even further. She is really not important, I promise you. What is important is you, your baby, and your recovery. Nothing else matters.

I think you need to get some help from a mental health professional. Go see your GP. If not for yourself, then do it for your baby. Good luck.

It sounds like you expected to say “go away SIL!! You are awful and horrible and not respecting me and how important I am!!” And thought she would grovel and say “no no! I am so so sorry!! I am awful! Please forgive me! Here are flowers and gifts!” And that your in-laws would agree with you and ban her from family events in favour of you?

You were upset at your Sil..
You told her you were upset and wanted NC.
She then said I'm sorry, yes I will respect your NC, all the best.
What on earth do you expect to do?
Apparently she has a family, a new baby as well.
She has very adultly said to you, I'm sorry you feel that way, now let's leave it.
You cannot leave it.
This now is on you.
You cannot police other people and their lives.
Sil has said she is fine with NC..
She is probably relieved not to be embroiled in your drama.
You must respect other people's wishes. She doesn't want to be involved.
Probably because she has her own life and new baby to look after.
Do you ever realise other people have their own lives seperate from yours?

Have you started taking your medication again?

Op,I’ve just read your other threads and it is very disturbing. It’s clear what occurred has changed in your mind, as your threads progressed the words have too, what yoh believe happened is changing.

your whole focus is on this woman, and it was onky a week or two ago you cut her off, wanting to get back in touch is part of your obsession and jealousy over her,

you do need to engage with your mental health team and take the meds, for your sake, for your babies sake and for your husbands sake.

OP, you can't expect everything to be on your terms. Other people have feelings too. Your SIL has almost certainly picked up on your loathing for her. The way you talk about her here is horrible. I wouldn't want to be around someone who viewed me the way you view her.

You need to quit ChatGPT cold turkey, it's probably worsening your mindset. Are you receiving therapy? I know it's unfortunately very difficult to access on the NHS, but if you get the opportunity, please take it. Can you afford it privately?

Unfortunately it is the truth.

I hear how heavy this feels for you - and it’s still playing out in your mind - hugs - being 7 months postpartum only adds to that emotional intensity of this too . It’s completely reasonable and right to feel hurt, birth is such a vulnerable experience, and having it belittled is not "nothing." I had heaps of that over my births from friends and family too - I get you ❤️

However, I want to offer a perspective that we don’t hear often enough lately. It feels like we are currently being actively encouraged, almost programmed, to cut off family members the moment they aren't perfect. Social media is full of advice to "protect your peace" by walking away, but every disagreement doesn’t have to end in a total cutoff. (And before the keyboard warriors come at me: I am not talking about cases of actual physical or emotional abuse here).
The truth is, you can heal and you can reach out. Your sister-in-law clearly isn't perfect; she said something unkind and dismissive; but no one is. Are there any "good bits" of your relationship. Do those parts outweigh the bad bits? If you don't reconnect, what could you potentially lose in the future for yourself and your children?

There will be people here who will actively push you to stay cut off. But they don’t know the full story, and honestly, neither do I. Only you know the history. All I’m saying is take your time

I was in a very similar situation once and I am so glad I reached out. Was the person perfect? No. Did they hurt me? Yes. But by keeping the connection, I was able to understand where they were coming from and realized the relationship was worth the effort.

I would think very carefully before letting this become permanent.

Reaching out doesn't mean your feelings didn't matter; it just means you're choosing the long-term value of family over a moment of hurt - thinking of you and I hope things work out for you 🙏

I think SIL is done you've probably been a nightmare for a while without realising it. Your previous posts paint a very clear picture of that. I'm so sorry your not doing well. Get off chatGPT

But ive been unwell and gone through alot

Oh my Lord, this is even more skewed. This must be AI because no one talks like this. But why post a made-up AI response to the op?