Regretting cutting off my sister in law after hurtful comments

[DaringMember]

Feeling very down.

I am 7 months PP and cut off my sister in law (who had a second baby last week) after things built up for a while, but there was one moment a few weeks ago during a family function where she said some very unkind things about my birth that really tipped me over. I felt belittled and dismissed in a way that stuck with me more than I expected. At the time, it didn’t feel like a small thing, it felt like a pattern, and like I was always the one swallowing it.

So I pulled back to protect myself, and it turned into fully cutting contact. I told ber I was doing so and she accepted it. At first it felt like relief, like I was finally not putting myself in situations where I’d feel small or upset.

But now… I just feel a lot of regret and sadness about how final it’s become. It’s affected the whole family dynamic, and I hate that. I keep thinking maybe I should’ve handled it differently, or at least left the door open instead of shutting it completely.

The hard part is I still don’t feel like what hurt me was “nothing.” I’m not suddenly okay with how I was made to feel. But I also don’t know if cutting her off entirely was the right call long-term.

I don’t know if reaching out would actually help or just make things worse, especially after such little time. And I don’t even know what I’d say without either downplaying my feelings or making it into a bigger thing again.

Has anyone managed to rebuild something after it got to this point? Or figured out how to sit with the regret if you chose not to?

I am not seriously unwell. I am stable enough to form coherent thoughts

So maybe don’t reach it but don’t ignore either and have a respectful at a distance relationship with boundaries

It’s all a bit childish cutting people off. Just keep things civil but brief. When did ‘cutting off’ become the instant go to?

Coherent is not the same as rational. Your fixation on your SIL is unbalanced and no one here can help you with the cause of it, which isn't the interpersonal family things going on which MN can be good at, but the psychological side which is distorting the rest. The way you post about it may be coherent post by post, but taken together, the picture is not of a well person and it's not helping you to start another thread from scratch as though this is really a SIL issue. Please take a break from MN and talk to your DH, therapist and psych team, which is all that this thread will tell you in the end like all the others have done.

But you’re in the fairly recent aftermath of a long inpatient stay, you’ve had (or still have) PND very badly, you’re under, or were until recently, the care of MH professionals, and are recovering from a very traumatic birth that caused problems bonding with your baby.

This is a time to focus on recovery and your baby, not to fixate on one of your ILs.

Yes but it doesn't mean im crazy and obsessed with SIL to escape my problems etc
My feelings about what shes done to me are real
My struggles now with family dynamic are real

The fact you're not understanding what people are saying and taking it to mean you're 'crazy' before bringing it back to the SIL again only shows PP is right.

I’ve never suggested you’re ‘crazy’, @DaringMember. I do think your obsession with your SIL is unbalanced, though, and not helpful to your recovery.

You said, from what I remember, in your other thread that she ‘triggered’ you and that you wanted to keep away from her for the sake of your MH, which sounded like a good idea, at least temporarily. You said you’d prefer your DH attended family functions without you. I’d stick to that resolution.

It sounds like you did the right thing, OP. She is clearly not sorry at all, nor does she care that you have chosen to distance yourself from her.

It is not fair of your in laws to expect you to repair this relationship when she has shown no effort to do so and you are the injured party. Why aren't they asking her to repair it? Why is the responsibility on you?

I had to cut ties with my SIL over very similar things! It's now been decades and while it absolutely created a strain with my husband and his brother and the entire family dynamic, I stand by the fact that I was given no choice. My SIL is not a nice person, no one was ever going to hold her accountable, and I was expected to tolerate her pattern of unkind words and behavior and not ever say that it bothered me. While I wish that it hadn't created the strain that it did, I remind myself that this was SILs doing, not mine, even if, sadly, my husband's family will never see it that way.

My husband can see his family, etc. I don't care. But I made a choice to protect myself from someone who was determined not to make a kind effort with me.

Stay strong, OP. You have the right to protect your peace.

Things you need to focus on, hopefully in this order:-

a) take your meds, which includes discussing changing them with whoever prescribed them as I know you said they gave you a horribly dry mouth

b) communicate with your mental health team which includes seeing them and following their advice

c) your husband and baby (this is not further up because you said your DH is looking after your baby already, he/she doesn’t appear to be in any danger or neglected)

Things you don’t need to pay any attention to whatsoever:-

a) SIL

b) MIL

c) your husbands relationship with his brother

Girl give it a rest and move on. You've created 5-6 threads about this SIL now and yet when you go NC you're also upset and depressed that you're now NC. What do you want??

Your priority is to look after your mental health and your child and leave her alone. If she's been mean to you then you're right to go NC. Be civil when you see her and focus on yourself but I suspect there a whole lot more to this story with the obsessed way you keep going on and on about her.

And yet you have thread after thread about struggling with motherhood, having PND and post partum anxiety, strong dislike for baby/motherhood etc....

Because you can form coherent thoughts doesn't mean you're not unwell.

When are you next due to be seen by your MH team?

As was discussed on your previous threads, you really, really, REALLY need some proper mental health support x

You've said you think your baby will be better off with you gone. You need to get help for those thoughts, not keep obsessing over your SIL.

I'm not sure what you think happened really happened, tbh, it's quite possible you're suffering from post natal psychosis.

I agree with the previous posters that your sil is becoming a focus for all your bad feelings and you are obsessed at this point.
You need to seek help to re-evaluate what is important which is your wellbeing and the bond with your baby. You post a out how you want to give her up for adoption, she's ugly, second best etc and it's clear you are deeply unhappy and struggling.

OP this really spoke to me, and I'm not sure that some of the posts on here are particularly kind.

I think regret can be a good thing, as maybe it shows some longing or affection for your sister-in-law, and a sign that maybe the relationship isn't quite finished for you.

However regret dies not mean you have done something wrong. Other information on this thread suggests that maybe for now, it might be helpful to turn your attention elsewhere, but know that at some point, maybe you might feel in a place where a reach out to this person feels like the right thing to do.

There is always time to repair and rebuild things, within reason, and family relationships can be complex, fragile things, but they also hold the potential to change and shift as well.

Sending you love OP, and hope it's also slightly sunny where you are.

If you send her a message just don't ai it like you did with your post

I think it's best to sit with the limited contact for now. You're not well, and can't see how unwell you are because you're not well - a proper catch 22. If this relationship is to be repaired you need time to heal emotionally, physically and mentally. And in all honesty the vast majority of people do not have the bandwidth to be the negative focus of someone's emotions and remain supportive, or even impartial. Nasty words will be said. So take some time, heal, and reassess in the future.

I’m on the other side of this. My SIL cut me off, because she was angry with her brother (my DH) and I stuck up for him. To begin with being cut off was very hurtful - I’d made a huge effort to build what I thought was a great relationship with her.

As time has gone on - almost a year and I’m still cut off - I’ve realised that I’d never be able to trust her to not behave this way again, so end of she ends up feeling awful and apologising, I won’t be having a relationship with her again and nor will our children.

Cutting someone off causes huge damage, it’s not something you should do unless you really mean it - and I would never judge someone who makes the tough choice to go NC with someone because of abuse etc. But in this kind of situation you have to accept that even if you later regret it and try to fix it, the other person may have moved on and may not want to return to having a relationship with you.

Yes, all posts are written by AI. And there’s even more threads on the Relationships board but under different usernames but clearly by this same poster .. about the SIL still. I bet the ‘SIL’ doesn’t even exist :(

hope she gets help

I ruminate to chat gpt all day long, and then I ask him to help me write a forum post as my grammar and spelling is not great as you can probably see from my responses! What is wrong with that? It helps me explain things.

I've read your previous posts and though you're trying to present as lucid in this one you are very unwell - you should focus on your DH and baby rather than obsession about your SIL - leave it all to calm down

Im not trying to present as anything. I have depression (low mood) yes but I am not delusional.

I am sorry this happened.
I doubt you said the horrible things my SiL said to me though?