Regretting cutting off my sister in law after hurtful comments

[DaringMember]

Feeling very down.

I am 7 months PP and cut off my sister in law (who had a second baby last week) after things built up for a while, but there was one moment a few weeks ago during a family function where she said some very unkind things about my birth that really tipped me over. I felt belittled and dismissed in a way that stuck with me more than I expected. At the time, it didn’t feel like a small thing, it felt like a pattern, and like I was always the one swallowing it.

So I pulled back to protect myself, and it turned into fully cutting contact. I told ber I was doing so and she accepted it. At first it felt like relief, like I was finally not putting myself in situations where I’d feel small or upset.

But now… I just feel a lot of regret and sadness about how final it’s become. It’s affected the whole family dynamic, and I hate that. I keep thinking maybe I should’ve handled it differently, or at least left the door open instead of shutting it completely.

The hard part is I still don’t feel like what hurt me was “nothing.” I’m not suddenly okay with how I was made to feel. But I also don’t know if cutting her off entirely was the right call long-term.

I don’t know if reaching out would actually help or just make things worse, especially after such little time. And I don’t even know what I’d say without either downplaying my feelings or making it into a bigger thing again.

Has anyone managed to rebuild something after it got to this point? Or figured out how to sit with the regret if you chose not to?

She's not going to apologise, OP. Be in contact or don't be, but you need to stop fixating on this relationship.

She doesn’t need online randoms to agree with her or to feed her distorted thinking. She needs professional help, which I understand she’s getting.

Im not sure
If I was in this situation, I'd feel terrible and after reflecting probably send a long apology and even flowers. Just saying reach out when you are ready.
But I have never been in such a situation as I am very mindful and tactful when speaking to others.

You need to see your GP and get referred for psychiatric counselling, because this is not healthy at all.

That's a massive want.

Basically agree you're right, she's wrong and to apologise for it all.

That isn't going to happen.

But according to your pp you’re in agreement? You said csect births are “invalid”.
agree with pp that these threads are not helpful for you.

How many times have you sent flowers in your life to apologise to a friend or family member?

Or do you think you've never been a bit thoughtless or said something that someone else has found hurtful l, knowingly or not? We all be offended and offend others on a regular basis, but rarely through malice. So you will have done at some point even if you don't remember. But a normal reaction is to distance without comment if it's really bad or actually to just acknowledge no harm was meant and move past it

Also, having experienced both, I wouldn't say a vaginal birth is that great! Any birth is difficult (I appreciate from what you've said your experience was awful and not trying to take away from that.) You've said your SIL said c-sections were invalid, but 50% of the population have them. That sort of silly comment is best dealt with a tinkly laugh, and a 'oh dear, well I suppose all us women who have had c-sections are missing out, never mind.' She's probably trying to reassure herself she is doing the right thing, because she's scared. Yes it's insensitive, but people are all the time.

Your SIL was facing birth again. It's scary. She may have been insensitive, but she is a pregnant/birthing woman too and is allowed to talk about what she is going through. She should have empathy, but so should you. Your bad experience and trauma doesn't mean you get to control the narrative and what everyone says forever.

You need to focus on getting to a place where other people's babies and birth experiences are nothing more to you than a passing bit of conversation. You are focusing on trying to get your SIL to admit how wrong she was and how bad you have had it, but this won't change what has happened. You have also mentioned in passing some very negative attitudes to her baby and how many babies she is planning on having, how 'obsessed' she is with her baby. This is nothing to do with you, and won't change your severe PND or how you feel about your own baby. The best thing you can do is try and heal and get to a place where you can enjoy your baby and your life, and other people's happiness is just nice for them. Your brain is focusing on this issue because it is unwell, not because your feelings are truth.

You are wanting posters to pile in on your SIL so you can feel vindicated that she is an awful, evil person and you are hard done to. But that won't change what happened during your C-section or help you bond with and cope with your baby now.

A MASSIVE controlling want, especially when it comes with the “you must do better” demand

But what she was going through was a perfect unmedicated vaginally birth and she didnt hesitate to brag about her first and her upcoming second. Childbirth is easier for some. I literally had jaw lock from my anaesthesia and ongoing dental issues. I was separated from my baby for a long long time while she was in ICU and I was almost dead. She had nothing to fear and was smiling while talking, cause she could see my distress.

You’ve said this before about her not visiting you in hospital — would you really have wanted visits from someone you find so triggering when you were in an inpatient unit?

And you said that you were at her house when you went into labour. Presumably that was you voluntarily visiting her? She didn’t frogmarch you to her house?

God it’s all so dramatic.

I don’t have a great relationship with my SIL. We have nothing in common and conflicting views about a lot of things.

We can have a friendly conversation when required eg at family gatherings. We have little to do with each other apart from that.

No awkwardness, no bad feeling, no navel gazing and no meaningful conversations about the state of our relationship. Just an acceptance of it is what it is. No need to make it awkward and difficult (for us or anyone else)

Honestly, the fact you're so clearly unwell suggests that a lot of the things you currently think happened possibly DIDN'T happen. As everyone is saying, please focus on getting yourself well. Then see how different your memories about what she did/said are.

My SIL sent a horrid message then blocked me on all platforms. She did it as she felt I was unsupportive, but had never asked for support or explained her situation fully to me. She has since been back in contact and I have not responded, and never will. You have to be really sure before going NC with someone because if you change your mind, the other person might not be willing to build the bridges you burned.

I have had an unmedicated vaginal birth and it was absolute agony. The whole thing was over in 2 hours, perfect on paper and it was absolutely awful and traumatised me for a while. Childbirth was 'easier' for me in the sense that the baby shot out and we were both OK. But that doesn't mean it wasnt terrifying and painful.

There are no prizes for avoiding a c-section or not having pain relief. The prize from giving birth, vaginally or by a c-section, is your baby! You are struggling to cope and looking for someone to blame, and you SIL is in the same life stage as you so you have made her into the Bad Guy. She's just some woman your brother in law married who is having her own children. It's not a competition, no one else's births or babies make a blind bit of difference to you or your life.

Which can be achieved compassionately.

Frankly I advise anyone who is vulnerable not to ask for support/advice on Social Media.

Well her babies are better than mine, healthy and no medical conditions. So what else could be the deciding factor?

I had a difficult birth, ending in an ELCS and a huge postpartum haemorrhage, and was unable to breastfeed, and had PND. A couple of instances of post-natal psychosis where I was hallucinating unpleasant stuff. Some people in my vicinity said unintentionally thoughtless stuff, and one or two friends of acquaintances said a couple of actually malicious things.

But you know what? Those were still my feelings to deal with. I’m ultimately responsible for managing my own MH, with professional help. Some of that may involve not spending time with individuals, as you’ve done, but also recognising that I can’t control other people’s responses to my decisions, or their behaviour in general.

Your SIL is respecting your decision to step back. Now focus on yourself and on getting better.

I'm not sure what this means, but why are you comparing your baby to hers? Of course she loves and prefers her baby more and thinks it's better. It's her precious baby, she's the Mum. You will prefer and love your baby more.

Why do you want this woman to be back in your life? You don’t like her and it’s not helping you, do you just want her to reach out to reject her?

That’s your poor MH speaking, OP. My healthy NT teenager isn’t ‘better’ than my friend’s teenager with Down’s Syndrome and associated health problems.

Alos I have breastfed one baby and formula fed another. They are both fine. It makes no difference at all, other than one (breastfeeding) being easier when out and about, and the other (bottle feeding) being easier as someone else can do it.

Cutting off is the go to when the abuse is too much to bear and there is no way back.

We have had to cut off DH's son and DIL. Their abuse of us was so bad, it could never be repaired. I regret what happened happened but it was their actions, done assuming we would just accept it. We didn't which was a massive shock to them but neither of us wanted to have to deal with or manage them ever again.

Life is so much easier without them in it. Not a childish decision. Self preservation.

@DaringMember stay NC. She brings no value to your life and is detrimental to it. There are always consequences sadly.

@DaringMember - I don't intend to minimise your SiL's behaviour towards you. You have a right to your feelings: you are human. But your SiL is occupying far too much space in your head when right now you have more urgent priorities.

A concerned comment from a PP that you sound unwell isn't to suggest that you're incoherent or have lost sight of reality. PND can be serious, and you have a small baby who needs you.

Your priority is your mental health, to engage with treatment, and to work with your doctors until you have found the right medication for you. It can take time, so you'll need to work with it and to seek medical advice before starting and stopping with anything. They will guide you through that process: that's their job.

Once you are better, then if your SiL is deserving of your friendship, she will understand and you can build bridges then. If she isn't, you won't. And that isn't the end of the world if her behaviour is even half so bad as you suggest. It's sad that your child may not have a relationship with their cousins but what they don't have they won't miss. This is the price you have to weigh up in any decision involving cutting off a relative - are the benefits of NC greater than the sacrifices - and in this situation it seems that this may well be the case.

Your sister-in-law qualifies strictly as 'small stuff' whilst you are working through these far more serious problems. I'd take it as providence that you've ended up NC with her at this time: she is doing your recovery process no favours and for the time being is best kept at a distance.

Your primary focus right now needs to be yourself and your baby. Wishing you all the best, OP. 💐

Sending more messages and flowers to someone who's told you they're taking a step back would be the wrong thing to do. She's done the right thing by leaving you alone. I can just feel you desperate to start on about all the things she's said and getting new posters to agree with you and be horrified at her cruelty. This is presumably what you're also doing with ChatGPT as you ruminate all day. None of these things will help you. You are not well and we don't know how to help you but it seems painfully obvious to anyone across your posts that you need to stop posting about this, take your meds and keep getting professional help IRL.