Regretting cutting off my sister in law after hurtful comments

[DaringMember]

Feeling very down.

I am 7 months PP and cut off my sister in law (who had a second baby last week) after things built up for a while, but there was one moment a few weeks ago during a family function where she said some very unkind things about my birth that really tipped me over. I felt belittled and dismissed in a way that stuck with me more than I expected. At the time, it didn’t feel like a small thing, it felt like a pattern, and like I was always the one swallowing it.

So I pulled back to protect myself, and it turned into fully cutting contact. I told ber I was doing so and she accepted it. At first it felt like relief, like I was finally not putting myself in situations where I’d feel small or upset.

But now… I just feel a lot of regret and sadness about how final it’s become. It’s affected the whole family dynamic, and I hate that. I keep thinking maybe I should’ve handled it differently, or at least left the door open instead of shutting it completely.

The hard part is I still don’t feel like what hurt me was “nothing.” I’m not suddenly okay with how I was made to feel. But I also don’t know if cutting her off entirely was the right call long-term.

I don’t know if reaching out would actually help or just make things worse, especially after such little time. And I don’t even know what I’d say without either downplaying my feelings or making it into a bigger thing again.

Has anyone managed to rebuild something after it got to this point? Or figured out how to sit with the regret if you chose not to?

If you’d read the OP’s many other threads, you’d be aware that she’s fairly obviously seriously mentally unwell, still in recovery from a long postnatal in-patient stay after a traumatic birth and which caused problems bonding with her baby, that she is under a MH team’s care, and her fixation on her SIL is a symptom and may have little or no basis in her SIL’s actual behaviour.

No, op is struggling with the fact that SIL hasn’t come begging for her to lift her “nc” stance… on one of the previous threads op contacted SIL again, asking why she hadn’t been in touch after being told she was being cut off.

OP you need to focus on you and your little family.

I also suggest working on resilience to certain situations so you are able to deal with them properly and not let things fester and become bigger than they need to.

Learn to laugh at things people say and let it go in one ear and out the other. You sound like a nice person and have been through a lot with the birth. Don't let all this negative crap define you. Hugs 💐

If you just want to argue with people on a platform that is for people to contribute their viewpoints then perhaps you shouldn’t be on a platform that is for people to contribute their viewpoints. I don’t need to agree with you. My original reply was to OP.

Thank you. You actually are helping as its correct to say if I reverse the NC now, SIL will respect me even less, being who she is.

Yes but because of my PTSD there were a few triggering situations I had to remove myself from. Including the family chat where she posted her birth story. I didnt want her to control the narrative as to why I removed myself. And to ask when we were visiting the new baby...

If you think she's seriously unwell try being a little more compassionate. Maybe moderate your tone.

Thank you
Its really hard
I swear before having a baby i never took things personally
My boss would yell at me during pregnancy and id just laugh. But from the moment I gave birth ive become hypersensitive to everything and so so weak. I have 0 faith in myself.

But it’s not at all clear that SIL has actually done anything to cause all this upset or deserve being cut off. OP is obviously unwell and her unhealthy fixation on SIL is causing all this angst and drama, and causing a family split just when OP needs all the support she can get. IMO it is very unhelpful to give validation to her obsession.
OP, you need urgent medical help so you can focus on your own recovery and your own baby. You don’t have to be either BFF or sworn enemies with SIL - just be polite when you meet but avoid chatting.

You're not going to get an outcome of your sister in law apologising, saying it was all her fault and things going back to the way they were before. That's not how life works.

When in laws cause upset you generally need to have a moan to your partner, keep your distance but stay polite rather than causing utter chaos and forcing people to take sides

If you do want to be included again in family events etc then you could ask your husband to speak on your behalf to the in laws l, saying you want to draw a line under things and move past it. If they do allow that, then going forward acknowledge them all politely, and if you are annoyed by any of them, keep it to between you and your husband.

You don't have to reverse it now. Get fully better, then if you want to reach out to her later, explaining you were unwell, fine.

You need to get yourself better for you and your baby.

Leave the woman alone.

OP, if you are having second thoughts, and MIL wants you to heal the breach, could you not send a present and card for the new baby? I assume SIL would reply, and then you could get back onto civil terms which would ensure that you are once again invited to family events?

Exactly!

It's been only a week since your last post about your SIL and going NC with her. Maybe you just need to sit with the feelings for a bit before trying to undo the situation. You went NC for a reason and the longer you don't speak to her, the easier it gets.

Discussing your SIL endlessly on here and ChatGPT isn't a good idea though, it's clearly just creating obsessive thought patterns. You say you are well now but it doesn't sound it, which is what that PP yesterday was trying to say.

I hear you and I've been there.

I think I read somewhere that you came off social media? Honestly keep off it. It's no good for anyone. I think it brings the worst out in people, good people. You need inner peace right now.

Maybe try meditation too. I promise it will all get better x

I guess you are right
My SIL waa obsessively visiting while I was pregnant then up until 1 week PP then we didnt see or hear from her for 3 months, including when I was in hospital.
It became normal after a bit

I didnt specifically say no contact to her. I said "taking a step back" to which she replied all the best. So im not sure the full meaning..

Ok well no one is responsible for managing your triggers and people still have a right to share their lives even if it triggers you. I am not judging either one of you because you sound like hard work. However, you don't need to trauma dump on everyone and expect them to feel sorry for you and manage your emotions. You can simply step aside from situations without a big mess. I hope you are in therapy, because it will really help. Take care.

What should be the response to someone who contacts you to say they don’t want you to contact them? Her sending you all the best is quite reasoned

Have you blocked her number? Unfriended her on social media? If you haven't, then I guess you could consider it low contact – LC.

But it strikes me, reading this and your other threads, that you don't want to really. You just want her to apologise and see your point of view and treat you with respect.

Nothing you've shared suggests she'll do any of those things.

No blocking or deleting. Only left a group chat we shared due to the birth content that triggered me.
Yes I think you are right. All I wanted was for her to see how her words hurt me and genuinely apologise and do better.

She's not going to do that, so you need to find a way to let it go before it eats you up and sends your mental health spiralling again.

I dont expect the average person to have trigger warnings etc. But this SIL knew what i went through and even when I asked her not to discuss birth with me etc as I am in therapy and trying to heal, said in a group context about my c section birth not even being real birth and being inferior etc.

I fear its too late