Regretting cutting off my sister in law after hurtful comments

[DaringMember]

Feeling very down.

I am 7 months PP and cut off my sister in law (who had a second baby last week) after things built up for a while, but there was one moment a few weeks ago during a family function where she said some very unkind things about my birth that really tipped me over. I felt belittled and dismissed in a way that stuck with me more than I expected. At the time, it didn’t feel like a small thing, it felt like a pattern, and like I was always the one swallowing it.

So I pulled back to protect myself, and it turned into fully cutting contact. I told ber I was doing so and she accepted it. At first it felt like relief, like I was finally not putting myself in situations where I’d feel small or upset.

But now… I just feel a lot of regret and sadness about how final it’s become. It’s affected the whole family dynamic, and I hate that. I keep thinking maybe I should’ve handled it differently, or at least left the door open instead of shutting it completely.

The hard part is I still don’t feel like what hurt me was “nothing.” I’m not suddenly okay with how I was made to feel. But I also don’t know if cutting her off entirely was the right call long-term.

I don’t know if reaching out would actually help or just make things worse, especially after such little time. And I don’t even know what I’d say without either downplaying my feelings or making it into a bigger thing again.

Has anyone managed to rebuild something after it got to this point? Or figured out how to sit with the regret if you chose not to?

Honestly you sound really unwell.

This level of rumination is not healthy.

In the future remember you don’t have to tell people you’re cutting them off. You can just stop telling them things and keep a distance.

Then there is no family drama.

@DaringMember I understand you are possibly feeling some guilt and being pressured to reverse the no contact, but honestly at the very least I think it is too soon given how anxious you are. It feels to me that you have done the right thing. The family is pushing you because it is probably what feels easiest to them (they maybe feel they can push you into talking to her and then their lives will be easier - although yours won’t but they’re not really thinking of you here).

Frankly they should all be a bit kinder to you given your health - they should not be pressuring you to do anything.

If they keep doing so, would you feel ok to say something like “please can you stop asking me, I’m feeling very fragile and anxious and I just need to look after myself for the time being” or maybe you could explain to your partner? They need to hear the message that ‘no’ is what you have said and asking again or louder or more often won’t change that.

This, I think in the previous threads op was led to the belief that SIL was evil incarnate and she was absolutely right, so therefore she SHOULD block and go “NC” with SIL and the whole family would support her in this and SIL would be the one not attending family occasions.
sils measured response to the “I’m cutting you off!!” Text rather than a pleading “nooo please don’t!!” won’t have helped.

Not necessary - we are here to support not to belittle.

Take a step back and concentrate on your life - time heals and feelings got better - I don't feel you were in the wrong here, your SIL is the one to make the first steps - particularly as she is now PP and may feel she overstepped the mark with you.

It's not helping you posting here, it's making you worse.

Get off MN and get better before making any decisions.

I remember the last thread. You cut her off, she accepted it. Now you want to backtrack.

Your SIL sounds sick of your drama, and with reason. Leave her alone.

Look, life isn't fair.

On your other threads you mention being in a better financial position than your sister in law. That's life, inagine if she was sat at home despising you for your good fortune. It's a sad place to be.

Your SIL had good luck with her birth and postpartum, and you had bad luck. It is what it is.

You are unwell and feeling resentful and wanting to punish your SIL. Your SIL isn't responsible for what happened to you, no one is. It's just one of those things.

Go out and sit in the sun and have a cup of tea. You don't have to be best friends with you SIL. But there is a saying: Resentment is like drinking a cup of poison and waiting for the other person to die.

You won't feel like this forever, you can recover. When your DD is a squashy 4 year old writing letters to you saying how much she loves you, you will look back on this time and feel sad for yourself.

Take the medication and focus on recovery.

Support doesn’t mean collusion with everything

I agree.
I have been disturbed by several threads on here recently where clearly unwell people post about their fixations with someone they are blaming for their problems, and poster after poster validates what they are saying and gives advice like: 'I would go mental at them' 'I would get them fired'. The unwell OP then uses this as validation and makes foolish choices. Awful.

This.

These sad threads remind me of a few others on MN in the past where well-intentioned posters were supporting a mentally unwell person detrimentally.

And what always happens is posters who know the background are frustrated but then get attacked or minimised by other posters for being mean or judgemental.

Then it goes round and round for months, during which OP uses MN as a maladaptive coping strategy and the well-meaning posters just help her not seek the help she really needs.

It ain’t what you say, it’s the way that you say it.

The problem with ChatGPT is that's it's designed to validate your feelings and thoughts and pander to those thoughts - even when they are clearly irrational.

(it also frequently makes mistakes and just makes shit up instead of saying "I don't know" on really quite crucial topics, but that's a separate thread!)

I can see from your other threads that you are having a very hard time with motherhood after an extremely traumatising birth. Please use the support of the mental health team around you and your husband and just concentrate on getting better. Just park all this stuff with your SIL for now - it's not a good time to make any long term decisions. Concentrate on recovering from the PND and PTSD By talking to trained professionals, NOT a construct which very much does not have your best interests at heart.

Yes this Op has posted repeatedly and is clearly deeply unwell.

She needs to get proper psychiatric support as soon as humanly possible. I genuinely fear for her.

Please OP- get help. Get Support. Focus on that, not what your mind is telling you about your SIL.

You did the right thing. You have to remove yourself from tables where disrespect is being served. I think you’re now grieving the fact that you are right. She hasn’t apologised or tried to reach out, she knows what she did and she’s ok with that. You need to grieve the relationship with her and quietly move forward with your life. It is not for you to reach out. If you contact her you will go right back to square one and she will know you’re a doormat and proceed to wipe her feet on you. You are not in the wrong here. Stay strong and enjoy the time with your baby.

I remember the first thread and honestly OP you need some therapy. On your first thread numerous people told you you were over reacting if not inventing reasons to dislike her and needed help. I feel so sorry for her and your brother and suggest you get off Mumsnet and go see your GP.

Or the SIL is aware that the OP is suffering a prolonged period of seriously poor MH and has accepted that it’s best to keep away from her for her sake.

Did you get that from AI? None of that is whatsoever relevant! How on earth is the SIL using op as a doormat?

Pretty clear sign how unwell she is tbh

I disagree.
It looks as though she is actually trying to help the OP. Posts that encourage her to carry on obsessing about her sister in law are not helpful.
She obviously needs real help.

I remember the previous thread and it is only 2 weeks ago that you were posting here about whether to cut off your SIL. So it's not taken long for you to regret it.
Maybe take a pause at this point and take some time for yourself.
You got lots of good advice on the previous thread. Honestly, you need professional help (as I said before). I understand how it looks from your perspective but that perspective is flawed and you need help dealing with the real issues in your life - and this is not your SIL.
Yes, she was tactless and a bit mean but people often are when they've had a few drinks and are maybe a bit exasperated with some of the people around them. Your behaviour must be exhausting for everyone, including yourself.
You cannot control the people around you. Trying to will only make you feel worse. You said some really horrible things about her and I'm not sure that has made you feel any better.
You said you were cutting off your SIL for your own peace of mind. But has it given you that. What's you've discovered is that other family members are just getting on with their lives and choosing to exclude you not your SIl. Sorry, but this was inevitable. Most people don't need the drama. So now, you're not happy about that.
Because, be honest, what you wanted was to punish your SIL, you wanted the family to side with you and cut her out also. They haven't done that. Nor would I have expected them to. Now, rather than rushing into doing something else which may make things worse, ou should just ask them to give you time while you deal with your own issues in peace and then when you feel stronger you can see what you want to do with regard to repairing family relationships.

How many threads about your SIL now? 4? You really need to start taking your meds again and show your mental health support team these threads. You are seriously unwell.

You can’t read, I actually said: “If you contact her you will go right back to square one and she will know you’re a doormat and proceed to wipe her feet on you.” OP is struggling with the boundary she has set and that is normal. It is up to the SIL to apologise for any upset caused and to change her behaviour accordingly because as we all know an apology without a change in behaviour is simply manipulation.

You are not helping