Hi,
I am going crazy. I think my partner is cheating on me. Maybe even gay. We have been married for 11yrs and have two children. I can't leave without proof due to the culture I am from. My eyes were oblivious to everything he was doing until one day he was acting very odd (3 or 4yrs ago now). He works two jobs so is hardly at home or is at home when we aren't. I work during the day and that's when he's home. He's home for an hour after the kids get home from school then is off to his next job. He has one full day off from both jobs in the week. 3/4yrs ago, on that one day off he was acting very odd. I didn't say anything, just kept watching and observing him. Anyway, he basically pretended to go to sleep really early because he was very tired but went to bed dressed with socks etc on. He placed his wallet and watch outside in the hallway very carefully. I got into bed, pretended I fell asleep. As soon as he thought I was asleep, he began using his phone. He had called an uber and was waiting for it. He then very carefully got out of bed, got his wallet, watch, keys etc and went out of the house. He returned at 1 or 2 am. He went fresh and alert and came back really tired, out of it. He was very careful to open the door and be very quiet. He shut my room door and went straight in the shower. He was in there for an hour. I heard him brushing his teeth, using mouthwash etc. then he put the laundry on with his clothes inside. He then went and sat in the living room for an hour. Very stupidly, I just lay in bed, frozen and in shock. I should have confronted him then and there. But so many questions dawned on me, how long had this been going on for? How long has he been making me a fool? How long have I been so stupid to trust him? So many things were going through my mind that I couldn't confront him. For a week, I watched what he was doing. Everytime I'd come home from work, I'd realise the laundry was on and he'd hang the clothes out etc (always refused to do it when I asked him). And it was always his clothes. Then some days he slacked and only put them in the laundry when he realised I was getting suspicious. I checked them, he had obviously been masturbating because he had cum in his boxers. Anyway a week went past. I tried to get into his phone, I couldn't. Didn't know the password, he had so many locks on there. Then I tried to put the sim in my phone, managed to change the password for his email and instagram. I found out nothing because he deleted everything and unknown to my knowledge at the time- he had other accounts too. I found on his email, emails that he had changed his password, he done this daily- I found that odd. Anyways after a week I was done, I was killing myself. Trying to watch him, trying to get into his phone when he fell asleep, etc. I only saw him msging men on fb/instagram but couldn't see what he was typing or saying. I confronted him, I asked him if he was gay. He told me he wasn't but his hands were shaking. He showed me his phone but of course I didn't find anything in there because I didn't know where to look at the time and also because everything was hidden. He let me look at the phone for about 2mins. Then he started getting defensive and arguing with me about how dare I say that etc. anyway fast forward to now, I have been suspicious of him since then. He has a password on his phone that I don't know, he has a facial recognition on his phone. He will never let me hold his phone. He wouldn't let the kids on his phone but now does but doesn't let them out of his sight. Just in case I might take a look at his phone. If my battery is dead and I ask to use his phone to call someone, he will go put my phone on charge, wait till it's 3% then give it to me to call but not give me his phone. He knew my phone password, kept going on my phone and checking my msgs, my bank, etc. but after him not allowing me, I've also changed my lock etc. he has a lock on everything, WhatsApp etc. he now has a black screen so I can't see anything when next to him. I noticed he has three diff TikTok accounts. Before, he didn't have all privacy settings on TikTok so I could see what videos he liked, they were all gay ones. Then he noticed I was looking at his profile everyday and changed the settings. Recently I've noticed he gets so many notifications from Snapchat (mostly from men but some from women) but I'm on his Snapchat and do not see any of his snaps up. I desperately need to get into his phone but I can't. I need help. I am so desperate to get out of this relationship. In these 11yrs he has been controlling, playing mind games with me (so much so that I doubt myself now), he gaslights me so much, the mental abuse is unreal. Always comparing me to other women etc. before anyone says, just leave him you don't need proof- please don't. If I could, without proof, I wouldn't think twice. I wouldn't kill myself like this. I can't eat, sleep, rest. I know he's doing something but don't know what. I need help- please! Everyday, he refuses sex with me but I come home to see that he has masturbated, showered etc. I am acting totally dumb like I don't suspect him, don't know of anything. In the hopes that he will slip up but he is way too clever for me. He does not slip up, even when exhausted. Someone please help me get out of this. When I have proof, I will pack his bags, show him and his family the proof and apply for a divorce- I'm not suffering anymore. 11yrs is more than enough.