Does anyone else have a relationship like this?

[cornflowerblue32]

Hi,
Just seeking some thoughts on whether anyone else gets this behaviour from their partner. So we've been married nearly 20 years and I've had many situations over the years that follow a similar pattern.

The most recent being a good example - I asked my DH in a perfectly nice way to move the teaspoons from the side of the kettle to the sink or dishwasher, not to let them mount up. He is the only one in the house that drinks tea/coffee and there were quite a pile. I know it's petty but it's me that does the majority and with 5 of us (3 teenagers) in the house it's a lot of cleaning. His first response is always to deny everything and tell me I'm mistaken as it can't be him, I tell him it must be as he is the only one that drinks hot drinks, he then starts yelling at me telling me to stop nagging and that if he says it's not him then it's not. I give up and feel upset, he just carries on and never mentions it again and then ignores me for ages.

If I ever bring up any issues about his behaviour and how it makes me feel he always seems to turn it around and make me feel worse. He says he shouldn't have to deal with me in a mood and I've got nothing to nag about and I should just be grateful for what we have. I am grateful but feel like most of the time I'm here to cook and clean, and basically put up and shut up. I'm walking on eggshells most of the time as I don't want to say the wrong thing.
The reason I'm asking now is because my daughter made a comment - she heard him shouting at me over the teaspoons. She said 'if dad was to die before you, do you think you would feel more free to live how you wanted'. This shocked me and I've been looking up behaviour patterns all week.

What I want to know is, do other peoples partner act like this? Is this normal? I've only been married to him and had one not very serious boyfriend before I didn't live with.
Please be kind - I can't believe this has all come about over teaspoons! Like I say this is not the first time but the pattern is always the same and every time it's always my fault apparently. A lot of things I do seem to annoy him. I feel like I can't be myself. I've tried standing up to him more but he says I'm being horrible to him. I've tried letting things go and not being upset but I can't help it, perhaps I'm just too sensitive.

It’s hard to let stuff like this go, why should I live in a messy house because he won’t tidy up after himself. Even the kids are tidier than DH. I’d love to end it but we’ve been together 35 years, I like the financial security, and I don’t want to be alone.

Your man is very immature it seems. Maturity comes through intimacy and alot of warm moments and support.

Yup, my ex did this. But it is much bigger than teaspoons. Read up on DARVO (Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender, a manipulation tactic used by abusers to evade accountability). It completely put me off raising any issues whatsoever with my ex and even my current partner (PTSD) - took me a while to begin to raise things with my current (lovely) partner and the difference in responses between the two was startling. In a healthy relationship with an adult the response is to be accountable and to resolve the issue.

You really do NEED to leave

My pathetic husband yesterday purposely spilled his tea into the hall carpet because I asked him to pick up something on the floor of the ( carpeted ) hall . At the time I couldn't pick it up as I had an arm full of laundry as was on way to the washing machine .
He had a cup of tea in his hand and just bent over with it in his hand making no attempt not to spill it .

I know some people will post on here and say they’ve been married for decades and never had a cross word but that’s not my life! In a long marriage I think it is normal to have occasional arguments and yes, even shout occasionally. But, that is not what’s happening here op. You cannot say anything at all to him without him turning it on you, he cannot take even the slightest thing which he feels is criticism. He is emotionally immature and selfish. You need to have a serious conversation with him. He gets help or he’s out because his behaviour is totally unacceptable. The sad thing is, if he was able to sort this out, HE would feel better so you would all benefit?

Maturity should come with adulthood! We women can't be expected to offer support, warm moments and intimacy to jolly an adult into being mature...

This is not normal OP. You don't have to live with someone like this.

You shouldn't "get used to it". You need to make that divorce happen.

This is not a healthy environment for your son to grow up in.

Thanks, this made me laugh,😆 I keep trying to put myself in his shoes. It's not that I'm a clean freak though. There were 8 teaspoons piled up! and he is a bit of a hoarder. If he opens post, the envelopes never get put in the bin and the letters just get piled up in heaps, he keeps every bit of paper that he's ever made a note on, his side of the bed is stacks of books and boxes and bags - that sort of thing. But I see your point and that's what makes me think it's me being too sensitive.

Whatever people label this, it doesn't matter, @cornflowerblue32 . This behaviour is unacceptable, a loving, caring partner should not treat their partner this way. He sounds emotionally immature, like some stuck-up teenager. I am sorry, but if he is so incapable of taking responsibility in the simplest situation, I dread to think how he handles work-related issues, or what sort of an example he sets up for his children, or how he steps up when he needs to be emotionally mature.
I would normally say try to pick a neutral, peaceful time to try and talk about how it all makes you feel, to maybe try and make him be a bit self-reflecetive. If this is impossible, yeah, you'd be better off without him.

Yes, exactly this. My main thing though, is that I wouldn't want to be the one that has done this to the kids - splitting up there security. I think the guilt would get to me.

Thank you, I'll look at it.

I think you might be surprised how supportive your kids are if you split with him, OP. Have you any plans to pick up more work full time?

It's not normal. Most people want to know if they've upset someone else, they may not always agree but they won't immediately shut it down. Because in a healthy relationship they care about the other person. He doesn't.

Yes, but I don't get stressy and shout at him. That's your issue and the heat needs to be taken out of it at your end.

A lot of this is familiar - especially the 'surely he knows' - I always end up feeling so confused as these episodes can come out of nowhere over silly little things, but other times he can have a normal response. I am left wondering if he can actually hear what he's saying.
Sorry you are going through this as well. Hope things improve for you.🤗

He shouldn’t behave like that.

However, you have choices about how you respond.
Clearly directly addressing the issue doesn’t work as he’s a shouty bastard. You could divorce him, though that will take a while and there will be more shouting.

You could give your own feelings and behaviours a tweak, which will nudge him to do things differently. Make yourself tolerate the teaspoons just long enough for him to run out.
I reorganise how we do things. My washing is no longer in our laundry pile because he doesn’t take enough care with laundry. If we had the teaspoon issue I’d leave his mucky ones to pile up until they run out, having kept a few tucked away for my own use.
Some things he now does differently because I’ve stopped picking up after him/fixing things after him, and he now feels the consequences of his own behaviour more. It’s forced him to take responsibility.

Not all things respond to tweaking, but a lot of things do. You could get a mug printed with ‘Dad’s spoon collection’ and leave it next to the kettle.

I agree, the example OP gives, is fairly mundane, but it is DARVO.

Is it the fact that there are many teaspoons, or is he not allowed to leave a teaspoon by the kettle at all?

I am right now looking to buy a teaspoon rest for myself as just moved into new property and new kitchen and was rinsing my teaspoon every time I made a cuppa tea.
Hopefully the teaspoon rest will be the solution.....

Thanks so much - I was really nervous about posting and getting any replies thinking I was maybe just whining and whinging (something my DH tells me I do a lot of)
It's comforting to know that I'm not going insane - that this isn't the right way to be treated.
It's also the confusion that he's not like this all the time. He's always been quite selfish and likes things to be his way but most of the time we muddle along okay. It's just these episodes which flare up every so often that make me feel so lonely and unheard and hurt.
I think his personality was shaped early on - his mother had mental health issues and had him when she was a teenager and he was always being told 'go to your room and wait till your father gets home'
I think it's made him feel that it's essential for him to be in control of every situation and that if he's challenged he must fight it till he regains control.

Not even slightly normal. Hes a bully, you're his abused servant and your daughter will be learning that to her detriment too!

Thanks - I think this is very insightful, and yes I agree. I do sometimes take the day off work, just to revel in the silence at home, to feel like I can breathe properly without being asked anything by anybody.
Part of me wonders whether it's the menopause that's bought all this to a head, I've tried explaining to him that I feel different now I don't have all these hormones rushing around but he just suggested I go on HRT!

I think as a pp suggested earlier you need to give less of a crap what he does and leave him to it, stop doing anything extra for him and let him deal with all his spoons. Stop doing his laundry and anything else he's getting from you. It's not easy cos this will likely add to your stress and why should you live in a hoarders pile of things, but maybe once it really settles in he might start realising that he has to sort it himself. Either this or you have to start thinking about leaving.

Do you want to be putting up with his crap once your kids are grown up and left home and it's just the two of you?