Does anyone else have a relationship like this?

[cornflowerblue32]

Hi,
Just seeking some thoughts on whether anyone else gets this behaviour from their partner. So we've been married nearly 20 years and I've had many situations over the years that follow a similar pattern.

The most recent being a good example - I asked my DH in a perfectly nice way to move the teaspoons from the side of the kettle to the sink or dishwasher, not to let them mount up. He is the only one in the house that drinks tea/coffee and there were quite a pile. I know it's petty but it's me that does the majority and with 5 of us (3 teenagers) in the house it's a lot of cleaning. His first response is always to deny everything and tell me I'm mistaken as it can't be him, I tell him it must be as he is the only one that drinks hot drinks, he then starts yelling at me telling me to stop nagging and that if he says it's not him then it's not. I give up and feel upset, he just carries on and never mentions it again and then ignores me for ages.

If I ever bring up any issues about his behaviour and how it makes me feel he always seems to turn it around and make me feel worse. He says he shouldn't have to deal with me in a mood and I've got nothing to nag about and I should just be grateful for what we have. I am grateful but feel like most of the time I'm here to cook and clean, and basically put up and shut up. I'm walking on eggshells most of the time as I don't want to say the wrong thing.
The reason I'm asking now is because my daughter made a comment - she heard him shouting at me over the teaspoons. She said 'if dad was to die before you, do you think you would feel more free to live how you wanted'. This shocked me and I've been looking up behaviour patterns all week.

What I want to know is, do other peoples partner act like this? Is this normal? I've only been married to him and had one not very serious boyfriend before I didn't live with.
Please be kind - I can't believe this has all come about over teaspoons! Like I say this is not the first time but the pattern is always the same and every time it's always my fault apparently. A lot of things I do seem to annoy him. I feel like I can't be myself. I've tried standing up to him more but he says I'm being horrible to him. I've tried letting things go and not being upset but I can't help it, perhaps I'm just too sensitive.

I think the one incident you have described is abuse. I would get yourself a counsellor and one that specialises in abuse. The fact you can’t see it as abuse probably means you have been for a while and don’t understand healthy relationships so I would seek to empower myself on shark cages, and abuse and the freedom programme is a good place to start

No, it’s not normal. He is abusive and gaslighty.

Your daughter seems to have the measure of him. What have you been thinking? Do you think you could leave him?

ignoring you is emotional abuse, as is sulking.

you shouldn’t feel that you’re walking on eggshells in your home. And you deserve to have a partner who loves and respects you.

I agree with this, and you would need to go to counselling on your own.

You should never go to joint counselling with a partner who is abusive. They will absolutely pull the wool over the counsellor's eyes (therapists should really know better, but they do still fall for it), and they'll use the aftermath following sessions as another stick to beat you with.

No it's not normal, what's normal is for him to apologise and to start clearing up his stuff. He sounds very defensive and angry, how unattractive.

This sounds a miserable way to live. Your DH is abusive and a bully I bet he doesn’t shout at people he works with . He is gaslighting you and it’s toxic. Your DD has noticed how awful your relationship is.

life is too short to spend it with someone who has no respect for you and treats you with contempt. I hope you free yourself from this man-child and live a happier life.

Why should anyone blame you for being " the one to disrupt the family" or whatever when it's obviously his behaviour that's the cause? Including you. Don't blame yourself. And don't teach your DC that this is ok.
Sounds like your DC will be relieved, anyway, if you do leave.

How is your health OP?
Years of stress of absorbing this abusive behaviour (and that is what it is) will begin to take its toll on you, when you don’t feel able to speak your truth and are walking on eggshells.
if you’re interested to explore this may I suggest you read or listen (lots of easily accessible material online) to some of Dr Gabor Mate’s work, including When the Body Says No,

This is abuse get your ducks in a row , try to get a second job or go full-time and take active steps to leave him .

It’s sad that you are doubting yourself and not realising he is an abusive prick. Your life will be much nicer without him in it.

It's not about the teaspoons. It never is about that silly little thing it seems to be about. It's about his overall lack of love and respect for you

You wouldn’t be breaking up a happy family home, your kids are well aware of what he is like, your DD seems amazing.
In your shoes I’d be asking for a divorce , it’s no way to live.

Me too. My ExH did this all the time. I lived on eggshells and the relief when we split was amazing. Has taken me years to realise that I can ask my now DH to do/not do things and I won’t get a backlash. In fact I rarely need to ask him to do/not do things as he tends to just get on with sharing the load.

No, my partner tries to change his annoying household habits when I point them out. I do too, living together seems to be a negotiation and working out how to live together amicably. I say “tries to” because some things he does habitually and really can’t help
it, such as automatic putting the bathroom light on when it’s bright daylight - why! I kept pointing this out and getting annoyed by it and he admitted it annoys him too that he can’t seem to stop doing this - he’s on autopilot. So I’ve let it go now, as I believe he actually can’t help it.

This is abusive and I wouldn’t live like that. Well done for noticing it though so you can now take action.

As long as he switches it off on autopilot too!

it isn't normal, OP. Make your plans to leave and then do it.
He can whine all he likes about how you are a nag, but he is a lazy git.

For the spoons? put them in the bin. If he is the only one who uses them just let them pile up until you can't face them any more and bin them.

it is abusive. I wish people wouldn't write this. Walking on eggshells and being constantly on edge in your own home because of your partner is the definition of abuse.

People like you who minimise it are part of the problem.

let go of that thinking. If /when you leave it is because of him and you are protecting your children from thinking this is normal.

Men are never wrong, unfortunately. My husband has such a fragile ego that he sees everything as a criticism and will quickly tell me about all the things he does do if I mention something. It's beyond frustrating so I sympathise, Op.

but you wouldn’t be. He’s the one destroying you and your family setup with his behaviour!

can you afford therapy? Not couple’s therapy. Therapy exclusively for you.

It’s not normal it’s abuse, with gaslighting. You don’t need to put up with it, there’s a better life waiting for you.

Sure its abusive. It’s straight up DARVO: deny, attack, reverse victim and Offender.

Her kuds are teens though so they can choose who to go with.

I think talking to your other half about some teaspoons is a bit OTT. What else I wonder do you mention to him ? If you mention teaspoons left on the side there will be other things.

My dad was always arguing and shouting at my mum about household chores she hadn't done.

I used to think it seemed abusive but she insists not. When he died she never let anyone tell her what to do and she cleans what she wants to clean. That was one aspect of my dad I don't really miss.