Does anyone else have a relationship like this?

[cornflowerblue32]

Hi,
Just seeking some thoughts on whether anyone else gets this behaviour from their partner. So we've been married nearly 20 years and I've had many situations over the years that follow a similar pattern.

The most recent being a good example - I asked my DH in a perfectly nice way to move the teaspoons from the side of the kettle to the sink or dishwasher, not to let them mount up. He is the only one in the house that drinks tea/coffee and there were quite a pile. I know it's petty but it's me that does the majority and with 5 of us (3 teenagers) in the house it's a lot of cleaning. His first response is always to deny everything and tell me I'm mistaken as it can't be him, I tell him it must be as he is the only one that drinks hot drinks, he then starts yelling at me telling me to stop nagging and that if he says it's not him then it's not. I give up and feel upset, he just carries on and never mentions it again and then ignores me for ages.

If I ever bring up any issues about his behaviour and how it makes me feel he always seems to turn it around and make me feel worse. He says he shouldn't have to deal with me in a mood and I've got nothing to nag about and I should just be grateful for what we have. I am grateful but feel like most of the time I'm here to cook and clean, and basically put up and shut up. I'm walking on eggshells most of the time as I don't want to say the wrong thing.
The reason I'm asking now is because my daughter made a comment - she heard him shouting at me over the teaspoons. She said 'if dad was to die before you, do you think you would feel more free to live how you wanted'. This shocked me and I've been looking up behaviour patterns all week.

What I want to know is, do other peoples partner act like this? Is this normal? I've only been married to him and had one not very serious boyfriend before I didn't live with.
Please be kind - I can't believe this has all come about over teaspoons! Like I say this is not the first time but the pattern is always the same and every time it's always my fault apparently. A lot of things I do seem to annoy him. I feel like I can't be myself. I've tried standing up to him more but he says I'm being horrible to him. I've tried letting things go and not being upset but I can't help it, perhaps I'm just too sensitive.

OP this is not normal and your DH is abusive. Please read Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. He won’t change unfortunately.

I did have a similar relationship but he is now my ex. Do you work, OP? Do you own your home ?

Yes, I work part time and we own our home.

Exactly the same happens here.

Anything I say / ask / comment…

I’ll hear about all of the wrongs I do.

Always does the same crimes again & again. Just use a fucking plate, please.

Denies that it’s him. It’s like a toddler saying the “Invisible Man” did it…

Always takes it as me nagging or telling him what to do, and escalates to anger.

I just do everything myself rather than get the aggro. And heavily edit myself too.

Like your daughter, I know DS is absorbing all of this. I really want to get divorced.

You get used to it. He pretends it didn’t happen. LTB is not as simple as I’d like.

What annoys me is that he accuses me of starting things… For example he said yesterday “I haven’t raised my voice in weeks” inferring that me & DS are the ones bringing the drama (DS is five, of course he cries!). Said he’s been trying his best lately, when in fact he’s been worse that ever the last three months, causing trouble every weekend resulting in him threatening to kill himself / leave his job / leave us / get divorced / hates me etc, etc, etc…

He then wonders why DS is acting up. Why I’m sleeping on the sofa. Surely he knows?

I’ve also wondered if I’m too sensitive.

Of course that’s not normal! If DH and I argued over stuff like this he would be gone because I neither have time or patience for it. I also would not be letting him be abusive.

Hi OP. You're not being too sensitive. It sounds like you're stuck in a pattern of you bringing things up that should be simple and DH turning it into a bigger issue.

It seems as though you're overstretched, you ask for what should be a simple thing, he probably feels criticized and so gets defensive and turns it back on you which then turns into and argument and then silence.

It's likely that he knows what he's done, but the defensiveness flies out and then he probably feels ashamed/guilty and reacts to that feeling by ignoring it and then ignoring you until enough time has passed and you both carry on.

This isn't about teaspoons, it's about you being overstretched, overwhelmed and feeling the weight of always being the one responsible for everything and him getting defensive over the emotional state that he can feel you're in, but not having a relationship at the moment that feels safe enough for either of you to have a discussion about it.

It’s not abusive but it is unhealthy in my opinion

It’s not abusive but it is unhealthy in my opinion

Agree this is abusive behaviour. Sorry you're in this situation OP - keep posting here for support as lots of us have been in and managed to leave relationships like you're describing.

No it's not normal behaviour. I've been married 36 years and my husband never shouts at me. He certainly wouldn't shout over being asked to move the teaspoons! Have you become so inured to his behaviour that you always feel like you're walking on eggshells around him?

If you feel that you're always having to watch what you say and you can't be yourself around him, that is not a happy relationship. Think carefully about what your teenage daughter said to you - you are teaching her what behaviour she should accept from men.

I think you'd probably be much happier and more relaxed in your own home if you weren't living with him. Does he shout at the kids or just you?

On a side note, you shouldn't be doing all the housework/cooking/cleaning/laundry - you children are old enough to pitch in and your husband should be doing his fair share too. Don't be a martyr and do everything for everyone. You matter just as much as every other member of the household.

If someone feels like their walking on eggshells and gets shouted at and the silent treatment over teaspoons then what the hell is it if it's not abusive?

Would he consider couples therapy ? It might help to have a third party tell him his behaviour is unkind ? xx

Life is too short for this. He is gaslighting you and being cruel. Even your daughter has noticed. I’m sorry you are dealing with this, it’s not normal. After 20 years, do you think he’ll change?

Worth reading this: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp

Its emotional abusive

Been here myself and he is now my ex , my life is sooo much better and peaceful , it was a struggle getting used to one income initially but once I’d got myself settled I got a far better paying job, I wouldn’t go back to being treated like that ever again, my life now is like night and day and I have zero regrets.

My dad is like this. Completely impossible, has yo argue about everything and tells everyone else that they’re wrong. I could tell him the sky is blue and he’d argue and turn it into a sermon

Putting this the other way round for you @cornflowerblue32 and I'm the tea drinker and dh is the tidy, fussy one. Like a pp, married 35 years.

DH: if you are making tea, can the put the teaspoon in the dishwasher please, and wipe up the drips.

Me: oops, sorry, right away (may think FFS you pernickety sod).

You know the answer op.

Hide all the bastard teaspoons.

This! Google the book as you can read it for free online. Sorry to hear this is how you live. I have also lived like this but left 10 years ago, life is much better now

No, it’s not normal. He sounds nasty, slovenly and disrespectful. I’ve been married longer than you, OP. We’ve never rowed over bloody teaspoons or similar. How bleakly depressing that sounds.

Yes this is abusive behaviour. What would you like to happen, OP? Can you envisage a life without him?

No, he sounds defensive and emotionally immature. In lots of relationships there has never been any shouting ever, let alone over teaspoons. That’s so sad that your daughter asked you that question. How old is she and does he act like this towards her or does she just overhear it?

I can sadly relate to this, except my 'D'P doesn't shout but immediately gets in a huff, deflects with a list of things I don't do and continues to give me the silent treatment and is clearly in an ongoing mood for ages. I don't bother having anything to do with him during these periods.

It makes me question myself when I'm made out to be the one in the wrong for "always criticising him". He's a really messy person who is home full time while I work in a stressful job.

I really feel your pain OP. I hope we both find a way to find some peace and contentment.

I know the teaspoons example is just an example but just hide any teaspoon that gets left where it was used.

Then get your ducks in a row to LTB.