Does anyone else have a relationship like this?

[cornflowerblue32]

Hi,
Just seeking some thoughts on whether anyone else gets this behaviour from their partner. So we've been married nearly 20 years and I've had many situations over the years that follow a similar pattern.

The most recent being a good example - I asked my DH in a perfectly nice way to move the teaspoons from the side of the kettle to the sink or dishwasher, not to let them mount up. He is the only one in the house that drinks tea/coffee and there were quite a pile. I know it's petty but it's me that does the majority and with 5 of us (3 teenagers) in the house it's a lot of cleaning. His first response is always to deny everything and tell me I'm mistaken as it can't be him, I tell him it must be as he is the only one that drinks hot drinks, he then starts yelling at me telling me to stop nagging and that if he says it's not him then it's not. I give up and feel upset, he just carries on and never mentions it again and then ignores me for ages.

If I ever bring up any issues about his behaviour and how it makes me feel he always seems to turn it around and make me feel worse. He says he shouldn't have to deal with me in a mood and I've got nothing to nag about and I should just be grateful for what we have. I am grateful but feel like most of the time I'm here to cook and clean, and basically put up and shut up. I'm walking on eggshells most of the time as I don't want to say the wrong thing.
The reason I'm asking now is because my daughter made a comment - she heard him shouting at me over the teaspoons. She said 'if dad was to die before you, do you think you would feel more free to live how you wanted'. This shocked me and I've been looking up behaviour patterns all week.

What I want to know is, do other peoples partner act like this? Is this normal? I've only been married to him and had one not very serious boyfriend before I didn't live with.
Please be kind - I can't believe this has all come about over teaspoons! Like I say this is not the first time but the pattern is always the same and every time it's always my fault apparently. A lot of things I do seem to annoy him. I feel like I can't be myself. I've tried standing up to him more but he says I'm being horrible to him. I've tried letting things go and not being upset but I can't help it, perhaps I'm just too sensitive.

What your daughter said to you is really sad.
She obviously notices the dynamics in the house and is upset that you are being treated that way.
I would be leaving him.

Actually, just throw them out of the window. (I did this with H’s pile of discarded, but to be worn again ( at some imaginary future date,)clothes he left in the middle of the house, after asking ad nauseam ti either put them away or in the washing machine.

When there aren’t any left he may ask where they are. You say, “must be in the dishwasher or the drawer. Where else would they be ?”
If he finds them outside in the flower bed. You shrug & say,” they’re in the general dirty dish & cutlery “zone”

but actually, he's an entitled dick. Listen to your daughter, get shot

Your DD sounds wonderful OP. If you're struggling to leave for yourself, then do it for her. Your children will side with you and you don't have to worry about custody etc so you've only got the finances to sort out.

In a few years time, you'll have learned all about abuse and you will never let yourself get into this situation again. It's so empowering being able to spot the red flags early...honestly, you become an expert on human nature. The problem is that most single middle-aged men have issues but once you're past menopause you won't feel compelled to be in a relationship anyway.

Funnily enough I noticed he hasn’t done it once yet today and congratulated him, it’s finally sunk in!