(TW SA) Continuing support & sharing things…

[PinkPoetAgaiin]

Hi again everyone,

Making a new thread as some of the lovely ladies who have been supporting me for over a month now suggested I can continue to share my thoughts & feelings dealing with sexual & financial abuse (& other things) from my husband who I’ve been with since I was 18 (15 years).

Will be on and off for a bit as young DC is unwell at the moment and that’s taking all my energy.

I am not yet at the point of leaving - please don’t shout at me for being a bad mum. I did get a lot of criticism on my last thread for not getting them out immediately and I just can’t for reasons I explained.

Life feels heavy, but I’m focusing on DC at the moment ❤️

I know I shouldn’t compare my situation to others but there’s a thread going on here at the moment where a lady is suffering emotional abuse, I’m not sure what exactly, and she logged it with the police hoping for support /advice. I have been told to do this by a few people but I haven’t - luckily.

She said the police didn’t ‘log it’ and turned up to arrest him!

I am petrified this will happen if I speak to my local women’s aid. Are you absolutely sure that they will not go ahead and report to the police even if I don’t want to ? Or social services? This has really worried me as this lady says she tried to retract her statements and they still arrested him.

Please be honest ! This has planted a seed of doubt as to whether I should discuss with any services other than anonymous hotline/chat which I’ve already done.

My husband and I have gone through several dry patches where one or the other of us wasn't really feeling like it, when I was breastfeeding or after his mum died for example. There was no atmosphere. The other person just didn't initiate sex, our of respect for the one who didn't want it then. The rest of our relationship stayed the same, we chatted and cuddled and hung out together and so on. There was no pressure. We just resumed sex again when we felt like it.

This is just so far from my reality I actually can’t imagine it. I breastfed each DC for over 1year and it wasn’t even a consideration in not having sex. When the babies were really little, under 6 months , and I was exhausted we usually settled on once a week but even then he was constantly asking , making cuddles gropey or making sexual comments.

Any other time it’s been every couple of days and he gets pissed off or even ‘angry’ (his words in one of the messages) if he doesn’t get a shag. During pregnancy even more so I think he found it a bit of a turn on, as I said before.

I am really glad you have a lovely and supportive DH :)

To chime in with another similarity between your husband and my colleague's husband - after she had left him, my colleague's husband decided that he was mentally unwell and now claims that he has a personality disorder.

He seems to think that if he appears to be mentally unwell the courts will not hold him responsible for his behaviour, choices, actions or decisions. He is currently under police investigation for the rapes and is only allowed supervised contact with his children. My colleague has a non-molestation order against him so he is not allowed to call her or go to her home or workplace etc. She has had support from the police, our local branch of Women's Aid, children's social services, school, nursery, our local rape crisis charity (mostly to access specialist counselling) and so on.

My view on this is that if he genuinely believes himself not to be in control of what he does then he needs to be in prison for more time, not less time, to protect everyone (including himself, if he really doesn't mean to do it...). He also told her he only raped her because he loved her so much and wanted to feel close to her.

All this.
There is a danger in diagnosing the DH, as if that lets him off, in a sense.
He’s an abusive twat and a coward. That’s it, end of.

She spoke to the police though, not women's aid, which is very different. If you or the children aren't in immediate danger, then from what I know, they're not going to contact the police.

Although (much like in that thread) it's deeply depressing that you think removing an abuser from your house would be a bad thing.

Having read some of your posts, I feel the need to say something that may not be particularly welcome (or even relevant, given I haven't read all your posts), but is just my perspective, and maybe you might take a crumb of something useful from it, even if you feel much of it doesn't apply to you.

It's a different situation, but I was in a severely sexually, emotionally, financially, and physically abusive relationship with an older man from ages 16 to 17 - I was isolated from family and friends on the other side of the country, and it took me months to end the relationship (and I dealt with stalking and threats afterwards) but ultimately, I just had to do it, even though I thought I loved him, and didn't want to hurt him at the time. I knew I had to do it or I never would.

Before that, I dealt with being a pubescent child who had to break the news that my stepfather had been sexually abusing me for over a year, knowing that it would destroy my mother, break up my family, make me feel deeply ashamed and exposed, and change my entire life. I wanted to just bury my head in the sand and pretend it wasn't happening whenever things were 'good', and did for months. When I finally 'confessed' I didn't feel ready at all...but I did it.

Sometimes you just have to pull the trigger and do it - in your case, end things and leave - even though you're terrified and at least half of you doesn't want to go, and just wants to pretend it's not happening, because that's easy, and you feel as though you love him. (The love is a lie, by the way - a trap.)

Because what are you waiting for? Him to never abuse you again? It won't happen. For some kind of neon sign that He Is A Bad Man And There Is No Good In Him? It won't happen. A 'good time' to do it? It'll never happen because there's never a good time to upend your entire life. Feeling ready to leave? Neither will that. He's actively keeping you in a state of feeling unready, scrabbling to just get through the days.

So from experience, my two cents is that there will never be a good time to properly confront the issue and leave, so unless you accept that you have to be brave enough to do it when you're not ready to, you'll just put it off until next month into infinity. And in your case, children are involved.

You see, I can understand being overstimulated by noise (lots of deep breaths with toddler tantrums) and I would also react to them fighting over a glass decoration, but that would mainly be because the decoration could break which would be a shame in itself but it would also be dangerous for them. Throwing a glass decoration and smashing it would be an odd thing to do if you were angry for the reasons I just gave!

Exactly this. Is it that he just has so much uncontrollable anger that he has to react violently and frighteningly, even around his children?

I think we've confirmed he doesn't do this at work, so it can't be that.

Or is it that he uses violence and aggression to control his kids, in the same way he uses sexual violence to control @PinkPoetAgaiin ?

I saw some of that thread and people said she should have contacted Women’s Aid (rather than the police) if she just wanted support.

I don’t think you need to worry as in your case I’m pretty sure the police would need your cooperation and evidence in pressing charges against him anyway. As I advised with therapy, there is nothing to stop you asking upfront what they might do with the information before you disclose it. I’m sure it will be a common question for women calling them!

Going back to the Clare’s Law request, if you don’t feel up to doing it, your friend can do this for you, well for her. It is there also for families and friends who have a feeling that something is off. It will not be disclosed at all to your partner.

Can you set up or do you have a private bank account? Start selling the kids old clothes on vinted, it’s not much but putting a little cash to one side for you as an emergency fund? Would you be able to do this? Is there any time for you to get a small part time job?

@FiloPastyshe already works but all her money goes into a joint account so he can see it all and see all spending

I may be wrong here but I think poet - are you reluctant to do Clare's Law incase it throws something up and you feel like you will have to act? And the same with telling your mum - you will then feel pressure to act? If you just sweep under the carpet you can keep cruising along unless he rapes you again, without your consent, but you won't let that happen because you will consent to protect him / protect you having to act?

He says this to me often ‘I know you say no when you actually mean yes’

So how are you ever able to indicate that you don't give consent?

If he tells you that yes means yes and no also means yes, how to you get to say no? He's setting you up there.

Have you got that in one of his messages?

This is such an important post OP, please try to think it over. He’s made it impossible for you to have a ‘no’ respected.

I read the thread where the OP’s husband has been removed by the police. Her initial reaction was that she just wanted him home.
Couldn’t live without him.
And yet after just a week it’s been life-changing for her. No walking on eggshells. It’s clear it’s a different type of case, but maybe it’s worth Poet at least being curious?
I know she doesn’t want the police involved, but if she ever needs them they will take her seriously.
For the other poster she’s had the shock of her life but is bearing up so well. She’s had time to really reflect on how she’s been abused, and understands that her and her DC now have a peaceful home.

yes I was taken by that - initially she was terrified because of his reaction, and because she really wanted him home - but the decision was taken out of her hands and the protection around her and support has been amazing

And if she has grown in strength so much in just one week, I am really interested to see how she is after three months free of him. I doubt very much that she is going to want him home.

Yes I have words to the effect in a message.

I think he means it in the classic male attitude that women get some sort of kick out of ‘teasing’ men and playing hard to get type thing. It’s all a bit of a game to him and he thinks if he starts touching me I’ll just ‘give in’ to him.

If I want to really say no I have to be really clear and even then, as he did the other night , sometimes he will start other sex acts in the hope of getting me to change my mind.

Yes this is part of it I think. If the Claire’s Law comes back with something then I don’t know what I would actually do with the information right now.

I wouldn’t necessarily say I want to sweep it under the carpet anymore but I also don’t want to feel rushed into any decisions. As I think I’ve said before it makes me panicked to do anything which means things will never be the same again, and telling my mum would be one of those things. She would not be the sort of person who would quietly support me. Shed be totally devastated. She would want action straight away and I wouldn’t be able to ‘unsay’ what I’d said , if that makes sense.

I didn’t read the whole thing but that’s lovely that she’s now feeling a sense of happiness and safety . I’m really pleased for her :)

Sorry OP but this just highlights how warped your experience with men is. That is not a classic male attitude at all. Thats so far from the attitude that any decent man would have.

OP you are only 23. You have been with him for just 5 years and in that time you have had four children. With respect, you have very little life experience to know what a 'classic male' is.

Men are all varied and have lots of different attitudes, opinions, traits, strengths and weaknesses but those who abuse do have 'classic' traits. They are the men that you are talking about because that is all you have experienced.

You don't know how lovely most men are. They are funny, caring, respectful, normal individuals who would never dream of hurting another person, let alone the people they love.

When you say “starts other sex acts” do you mean he goes down on you so you supposedly should be grateful for it? Sorry if that’s not what you meant but that is very manipulating and you need to actively consent to that too.

Have you ever seen the cup of tea/consent video? Your husband doesn’t seem to have any respect for you as a person in your own right. I’m so sorry for you, I hope that through this thread you get the strength to leave.
I think he should be locked up honestly, and as others have said and I know this isn’t what you want to hear, if you have daughters I would be truly scared.
If your friend was linked to this thread and is reading it, I think she should get the Clare’s law ball rolling. I would if I was your real life friend, not just a virtual one.

I agree that isn’t a classic male attitude - I don’t know a single man who talks like that. I know it exists of course, but among a horrible minority.

pinkpoet, you are on your own timeline. You have already come so far.

However, there are plenty of times we’ve had sex and its been good and reciprocal so it’s not like it’s necessarily his preference, or didn’t used to be.

That last part of your sentence is important. He really likes forcing himself on you. He probably watches that type of porn. If you could access his browsing history it would no doubt reveal that.

The first time he did it, he panicked a bit and that's why you have those messages apologising and saying it won't happen again. But he really gets off on hurting you so it did happen again. This time he forced a terrified nod out of you to justify the rape.

This is now his preference so it will happen again. And the more he gets away with it, the more confident he will become.

This is the tea video the PP mentioned - it’s the law around consent.