(TW SA) Continuing support & sharing things…

[PinkPoetAgaiin]

Hi again everyone,

Making a new thread as some of the lovely ladies who have been supporting me for over a month now suggested I can continue to share my thoughts & feelings dealing with sexual & financial abuse (& other things) from my husband who I’ve been with since I was 18 (15 years).

Will be on and off for a bit as young DC is unwell at the moment and that’s taking all my energy.

I am not yet at the point of leaving - please don’t shout at me for being a bad mum. I did get a lot of criticism on my last thread for not getting them out immediately and I just can’t for reasons I explained.

Life feels heavy, but I’m focusing on DC at the moment ❤️

I know you say everybody loves him, but do they really? Are you sure you haven’t been viewing him through rose tinted spectacles?

Also, people are unlikely to say what they really think of him to you, when to all appearances you probably seem loved up as a couple. Friends and family are unlikely to want to piss on your chips.

He probably is extremely charming socially and apparently this lovely husband & father in public, of course. But not necessarily as perfectly concealing his true self as well as you think. Like the friend you're confiding in didn't like him. There will be others.

I agree with this, @PinkPoetAgaiin. They may not love him as much as you think they do. They might be saying what they think you want to hear, believing you to be very much in love with him. Or just simply agreeing with you. Or others may have had reservations like the friend who previously didn’t like him, but accepted him for your sake.

I’m remembering that at my F’s funeral, everyone was eulogising about how wonderful he was. But then years later when my DSis and I revealed the truth about him (about the CSA), none of them were surprised or had difficulty believing us, and a few told us that they’d been concerned about us for various reasons.

I also previously liked my DSis’s XH, until I discovered how he had been treating her. Then I definitely didn’t like him at all. Friends and family who care about you will have your back when you tell them what’s actually going on behind closed doors.

Also, sorry to keep posting, my mum didn't like the way my ex treated me, but in order to preserve our relationship, she let it all go and acted as though he was a beloved son-in-law for years despite her doubts, because I wasn't open to hearing it and I seemed outwardly happy in the relationship.

When we split up it came as a shock to her because I'd been hiding so much even from myself. But - she believed me and has nothing to do with him.

So while you say that your parents love him like a son now after not liking him initially, it may be that they'll revert to the "I never liked him anyway" like my mum.

Very interesting . That does sound a lot like him.
Christmas as well can be fraught. He can’t seem to cope with things that cause a lot of noise/excitement from the kids and he gets overwhelmed easily. It has crossed my mind he could be ND? But I know that’s not an excuse.
for example, unpacking the Xmas decorations year before last and the kids were fighting over a glass decoration and he just lost it and threw it across the room and it smashed.

In terms of the throwing things, if I get to the stage where I speak to someone from WA, will they want to know about that even though it’s maximum of 3/4 times in our whole relationship? It feels very infrequent to be an issue , even though it’s upsetting at the time.

You need to tell them everything my love. Throwing a glass bauble and smashing it in anger is so, so out of the scope of ordinary behaviour.

Throwing things in anger in general is very unusual and for it to have happened multiple times is a pattern.

Remember, for kids (well for adults too) if something physically intimidating happens once, the threat of it always remains even if unspoken.

Your children now know that if they upset their dad, he might terrify them by throwing and smashing things. That’s traumatic and another way of keeping you all in line and walking on eggshells.

You’re all very lucky the children weren’t hurt by the glass. That would have been hard to explain at A&E and your husband would likely have encouraged you to not mention he was involved and to blame the kids I think?

@category12 @shoppingred54 @LizzieW1969
I do think most people genuinely like him , especially our friends as a lot of the people we see regularly are friends we’ve made as a couple, like school /nct group friends. They wouldn’t have a clue I don’t think.

my family - I’m not sure. Maybe you’re right. The do love him but they know he can be a bit ‘set in his ways’ as they would describe it.

Is it normal I just feel a lot of anxiety about telling my mum about anything bad that has happened?! I don’t know why. I feel like a lot of people would go straight to their mums but I just feel sick at the idea of her knowing about the SA (either time) . And I would say we are quite ‘close’.

If I really think about it I think it’s because I feel liIs she wouldn’t cope with it and would be more devastated than me about it. So maybe that’s something I’ve been brought up with. Again, a big job for my therapist !!!

I also really hope I’m not pregnant again. I feel like it’s unlikely . I hope so. Then I’ll be in an even worse situation

I have no idea what he would have said if they’d needed Medical attention but yes I doubt he’d have been honest about it. He threw it well away from us, it wasn’t at anyone it was more like ‘if you won’t stop fighting over this I’m stopping it for you’ - throw - smash.

I will be honest. It’s hard because I feel like saying ‘he throws things’ is not accurate as it’s so few and far between . Like once every couple years. I can only recall 3 occasions. But I know it’s still scary .

But I suppose I have never thrown anything out of anger in my adult life , so why should he.

It does make me sad to think that special things like decorating the tree get so strained by reactions like that

It’s very common for abusive men to create trauma around Christmas time. It spoils the period because you’re waiting for the explosion.

It’s win win for him.

If he explodes, he gets to experience you all then walking on eggshells afterwards to try to keep the peace.

If he doesn’t, he can accuse you of being miserable (bc you’re waiting for it so stressed) or expect a big congratulations for not losing his temper when he shouldn’t be doing it anyway.

It’s worth reading up about the physical effects of living in that environment (walking on eggshells with an explosive parent) to bolster your determination to change things in some way x

I dont think he is ND. But that is because I have a whole family of ND, including myself and my partner, and both of my children.

The thing with ND is that they may be fixed, but they do actually care if they do something that upsets someone who they love and care for, and will definately try to not do that again.

I think however that, from the outside an autistic behaviour and a personality disorder (psychopathy/sociopathy/narcissism) CAN look similar and can feel similar. The difference is the driving force, and what happens when that behaviour is addressed.

The 'liking peace and quiet and things the same' could be either
The 'wanting all the attention and jealousy' falls more heavily on the personality disorder side
The entitlement and ignoring boundaries too, Im afraid.

Sadly, in this day, personality disorders seem far more common and likely, as to an extent our society props up and supports, and in many cases rewards that kind of man.

My OH was brought up in an abusive home and the siblings still talk about the time mum threw the Christmas present down the stairs and it smashed to pieces. We also no longer have family events and his mum hardly has any contact with her kids as she ‘can’t behave’ as he puts it

If I really think about it I think it’s because I feel liIs she wouldn’t cope with it and would be more devastated than me about it. So maybe that’s something I’ve been brought up with. Again, a big job for my therapist !!!

This is quite the insight. It shows two things - firstly you have normalised putting someone else's feelings before your own, and secondly a significant figure in your life is someone who will make themselves a central figure in your problem, making it more about comforting her for upsetting her about something she could be comforting you about.

Can you see the parallels.

I'm certainly not saying your mother is abusive, but you are describing behaviour patterns which you are accepting as a normal, which are not. I think it is also interesting that you are able to recognise that in her, so you do have clarity coming that its not right.

I have no idea what he would have said if they’d needed Medical attention but yes I doubt he’d have been honest about it. He threw it well away from us, it wasn’t at anyone it was more like ‘if you won’t stop fighting over this I’m stopping it for you’ - throw - smash.

This is not someone losing control in anger. This is someone angry that people are not doing what he wants and making a deliberate decision to act in a way to frighten them so that they submit back under his control through fear. And as others have said, you only need to do that a few times, as a reminder, to keep control, because the threat or fear that he might do it again ensures they behave.

It has parallels with the sexual abuse. He has 'punished you' recently for trying to exert your boundaries, and coerced consent from you, because you know that if you say no, he will do it anyway, and you really dont want to have to face that in reality, so you put it off for another day. He is relying on you to keeping saying yes, because he knows that you are scared to push it. He is really taking a risk though, but as he has already admitted that he is turned on by you being upset and crying, and risk taking is part of the thrill with personality disorders, it likely excites him too

Stress is 100% a huge factor for him. It’s strange how he seems to link it to sex so much. I always thought that was normal for men but I guess not?

It is definitely not normal, and more importantly it is completely unacceptable for a man to rape a woman because he "feels stressed". Normal responses to feeling stressed (drawing examples from my own relationship and those of my friends and family) are things like running, baking bread, going to the pub for a pint and a chat with a mate, pilates, walks in the countryside, cold water swimming, watching sport on the TV or listening to it on the radio, playing or listening to music, painting.

Unfortunately I think your husband (an abuser) enjoys (like all abusers) the feeling of control over another person. Thus it is probably true to an extent that when he feels stressed raping you makes him feel better, because it makes him feel in control. However, it is absolutely not OK for him to use another person in this way - it is illegal, it is morally wrong, it is dysfunctional, it is unfair.

Why does he think it's acceptable for him to reduce his stress levels by raising yours, violating you and traumatising you in the process? He thinks you are beneath him and exist for him to use as he wants. He doesn't see you or your feelings as having equal value as him and his. (Edit to add: as PP have touched on before, he is actually regularly sexually assaulting you now: you are unable to consent freely because you fear, quite understandably, that if you keep saying no he will force you anyway. You say yes to prevent that happening. So the "I'm stressed" excuse is a load of tosh anyway, I just mean to explain that it would NEVER be acceptable to use that as a justification for rape at all.)

I have not mentioned this previously but my understanding is my colleague was usually raped face down too, presumably because rape is NOT about sexual desire but about control and subjugation. These men are all very similar it seems.

Honestly that would scare me as an adult, never mind a child 😭

This is very helpful because quite often he and even his family sometimes refers to his ‘quirks’ as him being undiagnosed ND . They don’t know the half of it of course

Some traits seem like they might have similarities like being overwhelmed by lots of noises or gets cross if any of his ‘routines’ are interrupted. But he’s never started any process to getting any diagnosis or anything

Has he ever thrown anything in anger at / around his boss? Or men bigger than him? Has he ever called his boss / colleagues thick? Or men bigger than him? Has he ever driven erratically to scare a colleague?

Or does he only do things like that to his wife and small children?

Really think about it, he isn’t losing control. He’s controlling all of you. You and the children.

And I said on previous threads and really want to repeat it - a decent, normal man would rather never have sex again than rape a woman. I promise. I cannot emphasise that enough. For a decent, normal man it wouldn’t even be an option. Because it’s not really about sex, it’s about dominance and control x

I'm not sure it would help if your husband did get a ND diagnosis. I've a close friend with an emotionally abusive and controlling husband (she doesn't see what he's doing as abuse but it is). My heart sank when she told me her husband was getting himself assessed for autism because I knew both of them would use it as an excuse for his abusive behaviour and sure enough that's exactly what's happened. He started this assessment process at the point where she was visibly quite annoyed and frustrated with his behaviour - I think he thought she might be considering leaving (she wasn't but it may have looked that way to him).

Before I get jumped on, I am not saying every ND person would do this (I know a couple that are not abusers), just the ones with form for manipulative behavior.

It does sound similar :(

He admits that it’s wrong in some of these messages I found and that there is something wrong with him. But often in person (at the time) he alludes to me secretly ‘liking it’ being taken advantage of and ‘getting fucked’

I can’t see how I’ve ever given that impression for those particular times
However, there are plenty of times we’ve had sex and its been good and reciprocal so it’s not like it’s necessarily his preference , or didn’t used to be. It’s happening a lot more now as I wrote in the previous thread.

It’s been quiet on that front for a few days luckily as we’ve had a poorly DC but I can always feel the anticipation building up when it’s been 3/4+ days without

Get a pregnancy test today to put your mind at ease. I think the pill can disrupt periods until it settles down, but there’s a good chance you could be pregnant.

The reason I suggested your mum was because you mentioned she was very concerned about you when you were 18. She must have a strong inkling that something serious happened. Maybe wait till you’ve done another couple of therapy sessions and see how you feel then. You mentioned you were going to ask them for money for therapy so that would be an easy route in to raising it.

Narcissists are very good at telling you what you want, need or enjoy. It’s their way of justifying their behaviour so please don’t buy into this bs that you enjoyed “ bring fucked” when you clearly didn’t and you didn’t indicate you did either.

He doesn't really believe that you like it, OP. He likes knowing he has completed control over you, so he enjoys telling you that you like being raped while he's raping you. See also telling you that it arouses him when you cry. All of these things heighten his pleasure - because what brings him pleasure is the feeling of control. I think this also plays into the face down thing (one of the professionals my colleague had help from observed that the way her husband raped her was designed in part to humiliate her).

It's happening more now because his behaviour is escalating - remember that abuse always escalates, it never gets better and it never stays the same. It's similar to porn use or drug use, the user has to keep chasing a bigger and bigger thrill if they want to get the same feeling they had previously.

Try to see that it is WRONG that an atmosphere is building up because it's been half a week since you had sex, especially when your child is ill. Try to recognise that if you can feel the atmosphere it is certain that your children can too, though they are hopefully unaware of what it means.

My husband and I have gone through several dry patches where one or the other of us wasn't really feeling like it, when I was breastfeeding or after his mum died for example. There was no atmosphere. The other person just didn't initiate sex, our of respect for the one who didn't want it then. The rest of our relationship stayed the same, we chatted and cuddled and hung out together and so on. There was no pressure. We just resumed sex again when we felt like it.

You have told your husband that you don't want to have sex because he has overridden your boundaries. His response has not been to apologise and back off completely, it has been to ramp it up. He KNOWS you don't like it.

I feel the potential ND thing is a red herring and used as an excuse for bad behaviour. ND does not cause men to rape their wives any more than being left handed or having blue eyes causes it.

He may be ND, he may not, but either way it makes no difference and is not an explanation or a reason to stay with him.

The "secretly liking it" thing is a common porn trope and further evidence of misogynistic attitudes. That sex is what women are "for" and they all really mean yes when they say no.

Just wanted to add a voice that confirms to you this behaviour isn’t normal -
I can’t imagine my DH -
who has plenty of faults! - ever pressuring me into sex or throwing something in anger, let alone the rest.

A good chance?! I thought pill is 99% effective?! I have taken the whole 3 weeks. Missed 1 I think.
I will see if I can get a test but I feel sick buying it and doing it.

My mum is a lovely caring person and she did worry about me a lot at uni. I became very depressed and drinking a lot . If I opened up to her now she’d be devastated and probably blame herself. I feel guilty dumping that on her now she’s older and should be enjoying her retirement

He says this to me often ‘I know you say no when you actually mean yes’
i did wonder if it’s a porn thing
that he thinks by starting certain things like intimate touching he can ‘persuade me’