(TW SA) Continuing support & sharing things…

[PinkPoetAgaiin]

Hi again everyone,

Making a new thread as some of the lovely ladies who have been supporting me for over a month now suggested I can continue to share my thoughts & feelings dealing with sexual & financial abuse (& other things) from my husband who I’ve been with since I was 18 (15 years).

Will be on and off for a bit as young DC is unwell at the moment and that’s taking all my energy.

I am not yet at the point of leaving - please don’t shout at me for being a bad mum. I did get a lot of criticism on my last thread for not getting them out immediately and I just can’t for reasons I explained.

Life feels heavy, but I’m focusing on DC at the moment ❤️

I’m so sorry @PinkPoetAgaiin i think most of agree that he should be in prison, I think you should go to the police.
We all want you free from him. Divorced, safe, financially independent, in therapy, with friends, a social life, hobbies and doing nice things with your children. I bet your migraines would disappear.
What do you feel up to doing next steps wise?
I still think you should do a Clare’s law application with the police as a first step. How old was he when you met? I’d bet money they have things on him.

I know it’s gross. He didn’t want to stop but he did have a shower and carried on as I remember .

Think of it like this OP. If you were using a sex toy with your partner, would you suddenly shove it up his bum without asking him first?

And if you did and he said he didn't like it, would you do it again.

And if you did would he need to cry hysterically to make you stop?

I think you do understand consent OP.

He was in his 30s . I have looked into it but I get a bit panicked with anything to do with the police .

I saw an article today on social media :

https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2026/apr/22/man-whose-wife-killed-herself-cleared-of-and-manslaughter

similar in some ways , similar age gap too

this is exactly why I couldn’t ever go to the police
The defence tore her story apart (she very sadly killed herself ) that she was
making it up etc etc
He’s got away with it
Hideous . I could never go through that :(

This this this!

And if you think well that’s the law but it’s less clear in real life…I’ve had times where I’ve ‘consented’ but ultimately found I wasn’t in the mood and said so and I’ve also had to say stop due to discomfort in the past, and in both cases it is an immediate stop.

@PinkPoetAgaiin this is exactly why you need to go to your gp and anyone else 'official' where they can document what you are confiding to us.
That poor woman WAS abused by that man, I think she confided in her friend but unfortunately the jury were presented with evidence that made it impossible to convict him

There’s been a lot of criticism of the language used by his defence in this case, and it is very depressing. That said, this was a trial to determine if he was responsible for manslaughter following her suicide, so not straightforward at all. She was not there to give direct evidence :(

Yes, I think the main standout from that article is that the woman is no longer here.

similar in some ways , similar age gap too

Yes but this lady was not able to advocate for herself because she is no longer here. That man is a pig.
There has been another case recently where the man was found guilty. Again, the lady had took her own life.
You are still here. You are a living breathing witness.
So is the friend who saw the early dangers and has since read your threads.
You may be vulnerable but you are not weak - you are still here.
You have a raft of text messages of him apologising.
Financial records which prove isolation.
Next time he rapes you - and sadly there will be a next time - you will have physical evidence.
Even that awful book.
Has it ever occurred to you that we ALL believe you.
The team at WA believed you.
You report on your experiences with clarity - there are no inconsistencies - even though your feelings about them are confused.
For a man to rape his wife anally, have a shower, and rape her vaginally is the most chilling disturbing thing I have EVER read on here. It is evil.
This man is a sociopath. He has no normal human feelings even though he acts as though he does, sometimes, in order to control.
I know you are not ready to go to the police.
I think you haven’t been to therapy since that first session - go back.
And find some way, any way, next time to go to the doctor. Make something up - anything - and speak to someone.
Stop being put off. This is really, really serious now and it is understandable to say - well I didn’t say no, they won’t believe me.
You have been believed so far.
Even as a stranger, as a woman it’s so upsetting to read your updates. That doesn’t mean don’t post, it’s vital that you do.
Please don’t give up on the idea of getting further assistance at least.

There is also a gap between reporting him to the police and going through a trial, vs documenting what you can, separating from him and having all the support on your side to ensure he doesn’t continue to abuse you as an Ex. You may need evidence on your side one day not to convict him but to help arrange safety for you and the children.

I’d not push you to report as much as he deserves it, but I do 100% hope you can get to a point where you leave this relationship.

You don't have to even think about going to the police yet, Poet. Maybe one day you might want to, but you dont have to if you don't want to. And you don't need to in order to leave him.

The fact that he was a bar owner (I think I read that?) in his thirties, who deliberately preyed upon a vulnerable, traumatised teenage girl, is disgusting. I'm so sorry, Poet. You must have thought he was a knight in shining armour, when really he was a wolf in sheep's clothing, taking advantage of you.

If he did indeed own a bar, I would imagine there would be many women and teenage girls that he preyed upon while they were drunk and vulnerable. And he didn't just start this behaviour in his thirties – I would imagine he had been honing his grooming and abuse for his entire adult life, and was skilled at taking dead drunk girls home and raping them while they were too far gone to give consent. Did he get you very drunk on your first date, while he didn't drink much at all?

If you did decide to do a Clare's Law (although I think it's irrelevant given he's raping and abusing you now), I wouldn't be surprised if things came to light. Most women don't report though, so equally it's not a sign of him being innocent if there was nothing.

OP the sadness will GO. Have faith in that. Feelings are temporary. You are starting to see the light and we are all here with you. The anger will come.

I did jury service a few years ago, the fact that they were in the room over 40 hours does imply that it wasn’t an easy decision to let him off. It’s an awful case, the police believed her though, or it wouldn’t have gone to trial, the law puts a lot of pressure on the jury to assume innocence. Please don’t let these cases get you down. We believe you x

I think Clare's Law is a bit of a red herring here. It seems that what he's doing to Poet hasn't yet crossed a red line for her so I can't see what else she could find out that would cross that line and move things along. Him battering a former partner or partner's child?

You do not have to involve the police if you don't want to, if it helps you to feel more in control. But what I would say is, the longer this goes on the more likely it is that you'll lose control eventually. By planning your own exit you have some control of when and how that exit happens. If someone else reports him, or if one of the kids speaks to a teacher or he goes too far and there's police or ambulance involvement as a result it will likely be out of your hands.

I think the chances are high, that he will have targeted young inexperienced drunk women in his pub, who if they even recognised his behaviour for what it was, will not have reported because they were drunk or he made them feel like they led him on, and consequently felt too ashamed or confused or too unsure of what happened.

I think OP said he had a reputation for womanising and she probably felt good about having 'tamed' him. He'll have used all the techniques he uses on OP on them too, gaslighting them and telling them they wanted it etc. I feel like it may just muddy the water further.

and this is why I asked whether it was his bar she was in when the original assault happened, because I was concerned that he was the one who did it/spiked her. Im jumping to massive conclusions, but given what we are discovering I think its not 100% impossible.

There is always an escalation. No-one goes from zero to rapist.

The same as any other crime really. They use tried and tested methods. It's called the MO (modus operandi) which means a pattern of behaviour typical to that individual.

In other words, they try stuff out and if it works they keep doing it. Serial killers are a good example of this. The police can tell it's the same person because of the patter of behaviour.

Your DH has patterns of behaviour OP which you are easily able to predict. and they have been honed over the years.

One other thing you should be aware of is that if it wasn't you, it would be some other vulnerable woman. You are not particularly special to him except for how you serve his purposes. That might be hard to hear but even you said he would move on to someone else within days.

Unfortunately you were in the wrong place at the wrong time when you met him and he took advantage of that immediately.

That's what criminals do, they look for opportunity. And victims often say, why me. It's down to pure chance. Nothing that you said or did, it was just an opportunity for him to exploit and anyone will do.

The thought had occurred to me too. I thought of this case where (in reading other articles about it) it seemed at times one man would spike a woman's drink so that she was incapable when his accomplice approached her and took her off to rape.

I also wondered whether or not he spiked her - or even just gave her drinks that were more alcoholic than she thought - on their first date, while he stayed sober. With what OP has related, it's very clear that he's deliberate, calculated, sadistic, and cautious, and so I really wouldn't put anything like that past him.

Really, just the fact that he was in his thirties while she was 18 is a huge red flag for potential abuse to adults who are old enough to recognise it - the issue of course is that 18-year-olds are usually flattered by the attention and feel 'grown up' and 'mature', so don't see the dark side to why exactly a man in his thirties would be interested in a young girl who's barely out of school.

@PinkPoetAgaiin you don't have to go to the police at all, ever.

BUT you do have to be wise to the fact that at some point this situation you're in will become unbearable and you will want to leave. That poor woman in the court case you highlighted was unable to find her way out and because of that she is gone.

By speaking to Women's Aid, going to the therapist, speaking to your friend, speaking to us you have already helped yourself.
See it as you laying yourself little breadcrumbs to an exit door.

Next step could be a visit to the GP? perhaps not right now, as I heard you when you said you didn't want to but maybe one of the GP nurses? Just so you can explain what's happening and it can be logged.

I read in some of the women's domestic abuse charity literature that they are there for women to go at the speed at which they are comfortable. They recognise that it can be a slow process that can then become a very QUICK process.

As a previous poster has said- we ALL believe you.

I think at the moment we should not speculate so much about the past. It is helpful ( I agree), but the focus should be for a few things to happen ( it’s not meaning to be authoritative but it’s meant to keep focus on present and immediate things to safeguard PP.

1. A safety plan ( including a secret phone and pp squirrelling some money for emergency incident)
2. reporting current injuries to the gp to document the last few weeks and record the abuse from day x.
3. Keeping safe - how and for how long?
4. progress in therapy
5. trusting in mother or work manager ( or both) just in case they don’t hear from pp.
6. contacting local women’s da charity suggested by women’s aid.

@PinkPoetAgaiin your husbands abuse comes in thr form of control. In order to stay safe and make your own decisions your mental health needs to be maintained before it gets more intense. Sorry about the list, I hope it’s not too much :(

In terms of finances, I assume you must have a joint account for it to be possible to have your wages paid in to it?
Even though you don’t have a card. If you take ID into the bank they will be able to print out for you your recent statement.
You could just tell them you are having computer issues you don’t need to disclose any financial abuse to them. Same for the mortgage statement etc. I think it would be good for you to have an idea of the finances.
He doesn’t need to know any of these and it wouldn’t be flagged.

I read this story and thought of you, PinkPoet. Please do record what’s happening with your GP. The GP believed this woman. The police believed her. The CPS believed her. Juries are very unpredictable, don’t let the fact he wasn’t convicted put you off seeking help.

You do not need to go to the police. It’s your decision. But you can still get help if you decide not to.

He does not need to be au fait with academic feminist theory to understand that he needs consent for any instance of sex, and that if you consent to vaginal sex he needs additional consent for anal, or rough, or anything else than what you’ve consented to.

He does understand.

I think the issue is there’s one joint account where her money goes, and he of course has full oversight of it, and that’s her only account. He then has his own accounts (plural) completely separately. His earnings don’t go anywhere near their joint account.

They have a joint account but only PinkPoet's wage is paid into it and he scrutinises the outgoings.

He has a separate account which his salary is paid into and where he manages most of the household outgoings. When she asked him for access, he claimed it would be difficult to add her to that account.

So unfortunately, the bank would not be able to give her any information.