(TW SA) Continuing support & sharing things…

[PinkPoetAgaiin]

Hi again everyone,

Making a new thread as some of the lovely ladies who have been supporting me for over a month now suggested I can continue to share my thoughts & feelings dealing with sexual & financial abuse (& other things) from my husband who I’ve been with since I was 18 (15 years).

Will be on and off for a bit as young DC is unwell at the moment and that’s taking all my energy.

I am not yet at the point of leaving - please don’t shout at me for being a bad mum. I did get a lot of criticism on my last thread for not getting them out immediately and I just can’t for reasons I explained.

Life feels heavy, but I’m focusing on DC at the moment ❤️

Could you go to your mum's tonight OP just to get some sleep?

I'm wondering if you could say that you feel ill and you need to rest. DH can take care of the children, you can safely take your meds and have a good sleep knowing that you are not going to be assaulted during the night.

I think a bit of respite would do you the world of good and it could be the first step towards letting your mum know you need help without really having to say it directly.

Hi @PinkPoetAgaiin I have been lurking on your posts but havent said anything as I have found some of your posts quite triggering. I experienced coercive control in a relationship, and you dont realise how much damage it does to you. (I didnt realise till I read your posts that it still had such an effect) I dont want an apology, I chose to read your posts! However, I escaped nearly 4 years ago - I went to the police as my first step! Like you I was scared of the consequences but they were really helpful and although they had a statement from me they took no action till I managed to get out. On the day I left they sat on my drive for the day in case he showed up whilst my stuff was being moved. I airbnb'd for a few weeks till I was able to find somewhere to live (it's just me and my cats). The police advised me to keep a low profile and not post on SM or tell people where I was. I have stuck to that and now 4 years on I am happy living on my own with my cats. I have great supportive friends and am starting to develop a social life. It's been a journey but I feel so much better in myself. Anyway enough about me - I just wanted to come out from the shadows to say well done on taking that step towards your freedom, it is so hard to do but baby steps are so important! You can do this and will be so much better when you get away from this awful man.

OP, so sorry to read it's happened again but well done for taking steps.
I can't believe anyone can enjoy sex when the other one clearly doesn't want it, regardless of the circumstances. It's obviously not at all about you and your feelings.

you are amazing. I am so happy you took that step and found support. No judgement. They believed you. They didnt blame you and they didnt blame you for not leaving now. And nobody calling the police on you. so alot of those fears you had, you now know what to expect.

I would also suggest calling that local group today while you can, or make contact with them asap, as they are more likely going to be able to help you.

As for your mum - only you can make that call. Your friend is a way away, but youve broken the ice there. Each person you tell brakes the hold slightly, and makes telling the next person easier.

Perhaps tell your boss? You said people at work seem to know something may be amiss, and a sympathetic boss is a godsend, if you have any kind of relationship there.

I would continue with the therapy for now. You may find it easier to speak more freely, now that you’ve taken this step with WA. As others have said, I would make contact with the local organisation asap. You’ve seen how busy the helpline was, your local group will be the same. Get your name down for access to their services.

As a mum, if you told me the full story I’d want to get you out of there immediately. You implied your mum would want action, you are not at that point yet and it may be difficult to articulate to her why you are staying. I think telling someone at work would be easier as there’s a bit of distance.

I would start making a plan. Set up a separate bank account. Continue to engage with local WA to get as much support as you can. Get your ducks in a row, as they say on here. Making that plan is going to be difficult if you don’t have access to money, so you may have to speak to your mum for that. When you do tell her, she needs to know the whole story so there is no pressure to stay in the marriage.

Well done @PinkPoetAgaiin , nice work finally getting through to Women's Aid, especially when you are feeling grim.
I'm so glad you felt they were kind and helpful.
The more people you talk to about this the better, let them shine a light onto the things that happen in the dark; it will help you see things more clearly.

I am so, so proud of you poet xx

I wonder if you would feel able to say to him early this evening “I need uninterrupted sleep all night tonight and no sex tonight or tomorrow no matter what, my body and brain need to recover from this migraine”, say it again in a text message before bed time and if he tries anything at all when you’re in bed say “no, I told you I need to rest. You stay here, I will go to sleep on the sofa” and then go. Remove yourself from the room. Physically get out.

I hate that you’re having to proactively plan how to minimise the risk of getting raped. Your poor body and brain are in constant fight or flight and these may well be PTSD migraines brought on by him making you relive the trauma of the rape in that dehumanising, degrading position.

I am so sorry you’re going through this but so proud.

Also make sure you’re deleting phone numbers in your call records x

Local services are often easier to get through to than the national Women's Aid number, Poet hopefully you have the number for your local branch now but if not (or for anyone else) just Google, for example, "Women's Aid Sheffield" and remember that the local branch may operate under a different name than WA (like "Exeter Lighthouse" or something like that, I'm just making that one up!).

yes I would also start saying things like that in a text message as @throwawayimplantchatsays. If he’s done something, talk about it via text the day after. You’ve got lots of evidence already but useful to always collect more and have a record of your conversations for yourself too

I agree, you’ve been so very brave, OP. I’m sure you will get the support you need, hopefully eventually to escape your abuse. You’re much stronger than you think.

Oh well done @PinkPoetAgaiin , you are so brave.

I hope your migraine clears up asap, and you get the support you need soon.

Text messages are a good idea. Perhaps, if you feel able, send a message the next day saying “I need you to listen when I say no. I said no last night and you went ahead anyway.” Even if all the messages do is reconfirm your experience in a couple of years time when you’re ready to leave.

I’m glad you’ve come back for support, I’m sorry you received some negative criticism in your previous post. You sound like a wonderful and caring mum. Abuse can be so difficult to recognise when surrounded by it for many years. You start to blame yourself and normalise it. I’m so glad you’ve confided in your friend also for support. Leaving can be so difficult, there are so many barriers, but trust me you can and will overcome these.
i was with my ex H for 26 years and kept the abuse to myself and the fact he would threaten me if I told anyone. It took a number of attempts to leave but each attempt will make you stronger and more determined. You may be worried about the effect a separation will cause the children. In my case my children are much happier and refuse to see ex H since he left for the past three years. You can get through this with the right support, also if you feel strong enough to tell your immediate family. Abuse thrives in secrecy. Xxx

I see myself as a pretty strong and resilient person, but hearing from women on here who have escaped abuse like this after so many years is humbling - you are all so incredible.

You are all so lovely :)
I slept a bit this afternoon but couldn’t sleep off the headache
left a message for the local WA as their lines were busy
seems like there are so many women trying to access support

I will go to bed early tonight and he’s said he’s sorting the kids out :)

I think a trip to the GP to get help for your migraines might be in order. Discuss medication and the side effects. Explain the stress you are under. It’s never a bad thing to have a record of the situation.

I’ve had triptan medication for a while which works well for me but my last review they did suggest taking a daily med instead , I think it’s a low dose anti depressant , as im getting them frequently.

Stress is a big trigger for me!

I take an anti-depressant (Amitriptyline) daily AND rizatriptan both to help the migraines. Like you (and because of ongoing relentless abuse but he is at least now an ex) I have high levels of stress but the anti-depressant has helped. I’ve gone from about 5 or 6 migraines a month to 1 or 2 a month. Definitely worth seeing the GP about this .

Dear Poet, your migraines are bad because your body is under relentless attack 😔 Your body does not lie to you. If you get the chance, read a book called The Body Keeps The Score. It's very eye-opening and explains how your body holds onto trauma. You are doing so well, you should be immensely proud of yourself: we all are 😘

Edited for typo

This is a very personal question and I don’t mind if you don’t want to answer but I’ve heard this drug causes a lot of weight gain?
this is the main reason I’ve been resistant

this is something I want to avoid as I have to work very hard not to gain weight and I don’t eat a lot as it is

The Body Keeps the Score - Wikipedia https://share.google/a2CEBNm1SLv3tFygh

@PinkPoetAgaiin this is the book

Thank you I’ve heard of this. Will have to look if they have it at the library because I can’t have this turning up at home!

They sell it on eBay. Maybe you could have it delivered to your works address? Honestly, it's jaw dropping in its accuracy. My body has held onto trauma from sexual abuse from my father at 4 years old. Your body can literally take so much and then it goes 'no, I'm done'. Your body is experiencing the same trauma you experienced as a teenager every time your husband assaults you: he's reinforcing it. He's spotted your vulnerability and he's consistently exposing it for his own sick gratification. You have taken some really important steps here, Poet. You're amazing! 🥰

You could say your therapist recommended it in relation to the original attack. That's quite plausible.