I’m so glad you’re continuing to work through all these difficult things and getting such good advice. I just wanted to say in response to some of your other posts that it’s completely natural and normal to still love your husband and enjoy his company sometimes, even though you’ve acknowledged that he’s behaved in ways that are unforgivable. You don’t need to beat yourself up for this or think of yourself as being weak for continuing to feel these things.
It’s easy to highlight the horrible parts of abusive relationships but I actually think that in some ways doing this sells women a false narrative on what abuse actually is. Almost no one would stay in a relationship where it’s just relentless abuse. Abusers are more often than not funny and charming and capable of making you feel deeply loved. It’s an essential part of the emotional rollercoaster.
They make you feel terrified and unsafe, and then they make you feel loved and really safe. And when it’s good again it’s such a relief and you’re so depleted from the bad times that you either can’t address the bad or you are so grateful that things are nice again that you daren’t try.
Through all of that you still love them and care for them, because the abuser has your heart strings wrapped around a fist, and when you aren’t being made to feel as if you are the aggressor, the abuser gives you enough good times and support and safety that the majority of the time things are good enough. Not perfect, but not like the“real abuse” we get told about.
Falling out of love takes time. It might be a long time after you finally admit to yourself that the way he’s behaving is unforgivable. It takes hundreds and hundreds of tiny realisations before you can fully recognise that you aren’t in a happy, loving relationship. It might take more than one try to leave, because your husband has made himself an essential part of you feeling safe and secure and capable of handling life.
And that’s ok. It’s ok to still enjoy his company. It’s completely normal. If he was a complete monster you wouldn’t still be there. It’s the good parts that make it so hard to believe, because why would a man who cares about you and tries so hard to make you happy sometimes and who can be such a good dad and friend do this stuff?
Don’t give yourself a hard time for feeling any of this. But hold on to the knowledge that he has done things that are unforgivable. You’ll be ready to leave when you’re ready, and one day you’ll look at him and know in your heart of hearts that you’ll be just fine without him. Until then just take it one day at a time.