(TW SA) Continuing support & sharing things…

[PinkPoetAgaiin]

Hi again everyone,

Making a new thread as some of the lovely ladies who have been supporting me for over a month now suggested I can continue to share my thoughts & feelings dealing with sexual & financial abuse (& other things) from my husband who I’ve been with since I was 18 (15 years).

Will be on and off for a bit as young DC is unwell at the moment and that’s taking all my energy.

I am not yet at the point of leaving - please don’t shout at me for being a bad mum. I did get a lot of criticism on my last thread for not getting them out immediately and I just can’t for reasons I explained.

Life feels heavy, but I’m focusing on DC at the moment ❤️

Can someone give me some bullet points ?! Please .
I can’t find the words

I know someone did on the last thread but I’ve can’t find it

My friend (the one who
knows) said to me once ‘you can’t live with each other or without each other ‘

I don't think this is helpful because it again reclassifies what is actually happening into a dramatic love story (no critique of the friend who clearly didn't know reality at the time). This isn't some Great Love where he loves you so much he cannot resist you, even walking past him drives him mad with desire and he simply MUST have you, such is his love; where you leave him but such is your love you get pulled back into the madness of the highs and lows in some emotional rollercoaster driven by your souls' innate need for each other and the bad behaviour and the anger and the drama are all just symptoms of the depth of the love underneath.

Sorry OP, you're experiencing the same common or garden abusive relationship that sadly many women live with each day. There is a reason many posters on here are able to predict with great accuracy what will happen next. It's an abusive relationship and the masquerade of the "great love" drama is to hide the reality. Of course you can live without him. You will thrive without him. You will find real love I'm sure, once you've escaped and found who you really are. This isn't real love where you can't live without each other, it's a nightmare.

This.
Find your anger OP, as hard and as complicated as it is.
be the person you wish you’d always had to defend you against predators.

remember feelings are always temporary and they will catch up!

“My husband has been sexually assaulting me in my sleep for years and has raped me three times in the last two weeks after I have said no to sex. His temper scares me and the children. He is financially controlling and coercively controlling. I feel he is escalating and I am frightened. I need help.”

OK Poet you must persevere to get through to that line. If they ask for personal details, don’t withhold the info. I think you were scared that you’d be identifiable. It is a confidential service. They just need your details so they have a record and it means you don’t have to keep repeating the same information if you call back.

you have been married 15 years
your husband is older, you met him at 18
you have 4 children

your husband controls everything
you don’t have access to the main bank accounts
he has been having sex with you multiple times a week, which you do not want to hapoen and have told him this
you need help because you have nobody to talk to in real life, you’ve told a friend but she lives abroad

thats enough to get it going, you can do this.

I agree. As soon as I read that comment I thought it’s romanticising and dramatising it as some sort of Taylor/Burton type great love story rather than a young teenager being abused by an older manipulator.

what @throwawayimplantchat said OP.

to the point.
remember it’s just feelings and emotions that are in the way, you know the truth. Your future self and children will thank you endlessly in the future.
as another PP said, you are NOT the same young vulnerable girl you once were.

you maybe enmeshed with this person but you also are a strong adult MOTHER, who will put herself and her children first.

you’re on the road to being free of this dreadful person. You can see the end because feelings and trauma are in the way BUT THAT WILL CLEAR.

with support from us, friends and specialist DV services you will be free.

take care of yourself today. We are all here with you to handhold xxx

I’m so glad that you are finally starting to see through this man. Even the language you are using to describe him/your relationship has changed dramatically since your first thread.

You said that you think your friends and his family would encourage you to go back to him if you left, but I doubt the friends would if they knew what he was doing to you. You need to be honest and bring his abuse into the light, hiding it away will not help. He deserves for people to know what he really is and you deserve people to listen to you.

• I was sexually assaulted as a teenager and was not conscious. I told nobody.
• My now husband was an older bar owner and in the early stages openly told me he followed a book called The Game. I have just found out that it contains - a number of manipulations he used then and since. I told him about the original assault.
• He financially controls me and I do not have financial transparency.
• We have children who he frightens regularly on a monthly basis by shouting and throwing things.
• He rapes me regularly, and the rapes have become increasingly impersonal and damaging to me, taking place when I am sometimes asleep and when I have said no before going to sleep. He then persuades that I wanted it.
• I recently discussed him raping me when I was last pregnant. He was behind me and I was crying. Whenever we discuss these issues and I become distressed he then talks to me about being safe and we have sex. We do have what felt like consensual sex but I am coming to understand seeing me in distress is something he enjoys.
• I have told one friend recently. None of my family know.
• I do have some text messages going back years where it is clear I am upset and he is apologising.
• I am terrified about going to my GP or the police.
• I am having individual therapy. My physical health is suffering including migraines.

Good luck with WA just try and be as open and honest as you can and don’t minimise.

Imagine being in a new space, with your children and being free, think of the things you’d like to do during your free time with them, trips you’d like to take, a bed that is safe and just your own. I think visualisation and mindfulness exercises can be helpful in making your alternative free life something more tangible.

We are all rooting for you so much, you have an army behind you. You’ve already come so far x

Damn PinkPoet, he’s still doing it then. I’d hoped he was in the ‘playing nice’ phase. I’m sorry.

You did say no. He ignored your no.

when you ring Women’s Aid, include this-
“got a migraine coming on but I don’t want to take the meds tonight because of what happened before”

Long wait on the phone , I’m on hold.
luckily all the kids in childcare/school

im just laying in bed I can’t face the day
banging head
i just want to have a big cry but I haven’t been able to for weeks 😢

He is playing nice most of the time .
Just at night time he works round my resistance one way or another

Otherwise he is being very lovely
and very chuffed about all the sex
quite often commenting about how much I seem to be wanting it these days

ThisJadeBear's bullet points are really good, but I think it's also important to tell them that he's putting his hand(s) on your neck and pressure on your neck when he's assaulting you (if I've got that right - ignore if not).

Good luck with the call.

I’m just going to put these here. I know you may find it easier to write down so even if you don’t send it, you can write to Women’s Aid here and they will respond to you in 5 working days: [email protected]

(I think you need help today and at least you are free to hold on today, but if you are unable to wait at least taking this step will help)

If you’re up for reading try this: https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/

Even just to get a bit more information on the what’s and how’s if you did leave.

You are doing so, so well Poet. I'm not at work this morning, I will keep checking in on the thread and "wait" with you.

Virtual handhold and hug for you.

This is psychological torture. How on earth are you supposed to cope mentally with going through this and on top him telling you that it’s what you want?! You don’t even feel safe enough to take medication to keep you well. It is horrific. I would definitely mention this but as a pp said.

It makes me so angry (no not at you). All about his needs, and your actual need to take medication so you don’t feel terrible is something you’re avoiding because it makes you vulnerable. I would imagine, side note, you might say goodbye to migraines in a future without him too!

Unbelievable. He is the worst abuser I have ever heard about on this site over the years. He is so vile to you it’s heartbreaking.

Don’t hang up Poet, keep going until you get through to them, no matter how long it takes. Make sure your phone has enough charge.

PinkPoet, that is absolutely vile.

You are being so brave.

Your migraines are your body’s way of signalling to you that something is terribly wrong. Migraines shut down everything else and often the only way through is to sleep them off: your body and your brain know that doing so at night would be safe for you.

As hard as it is, stay on the line. This is the first step, noting scarier than you’ve already coped with will happen as a result of the call. It’s just the first step.

Sorry this happened. There’s nothing you did to cause the rape and there’s nothing you can do to prevent it apart from leave him. X

We're all here to support you, Poet.

Still waiting …

I agree. He truly is a repulsive human being who should be in prison.

He is gloating to your face about raping you repeatedly. He gets off on your discomfort and knowing he’s hurting you.

He is truly sick

I hope you'll get through soon. Hang in there! You're doing a very brave thing, taking this first step