(TW SA) Continuing support & sharing things…

[PinkPoetAgaiin]

Hi again everyone,

Making a new thread as some of the lovely ladies who have been supporting me for over a month now suggested I can continue to share my thoughts & feelings dealing with sexual & financial abuse (& other things) from my husband who I’ve been with since I was 18 (15 years).

Will be on and off for a bit as young DC is unwell at the moment and that’s taking all my energy.

I am not yet at the point of leaving - please don’t shout at me for being a bad mum. I did get a lot of criticism on my last thread for not getting them out immediately and I just can’t for reasons I explained.

Life feels heavy, but I’m focusing on DC at the moment ❤️

@DoesthislookgoodOnMe I am physically ok but I can’t sleep my head is spinning. It is a strange feeling. I don’t believe he wants to physically hurt me as he did adjust himself when I said he was putting too much pressure and force. But it still feels strange to me that this is now every time.

@OtterlyAstounding I absolutely get what you are saying and this is almost what I want to do because then it would be clear cut. But I just can’t find the words in the moment.

Unfortunately it has happened 3 years ago. The first thread I ever posted weeks ago was asking about and incident where he forced himself on me despite me crying and being very pregnant . And I have the message the next day him apologising for it. I knew deep down with was assault but I buried it for a long time and now I’m having mental health issues and doubting everything in our relationship. Since then such a ‘serious’ assault has not happened. But he still does not take no for an answer. I think he finds it a turn on. anyway thats the background

Since then such a ‘serious’ assault has not happened.

He's raped you three times in the last fortnight.

How heartbreaking.
After all those discussions with you opening up to him, and his tears and apologies, he has raped you again.
It sounds like you are giving up, that any resistance is futile.
The fact that he doesn’t want you facing him, he doesn’t want to look at you even if very, very worrying.
It must be so hard.
I wish you could go and sleep in another room.

I know your probably won’t be able to stop him again next time. He responded to you saying to be more careful, could you be more direct and say, you are hurting me! I feel sick to my stomach you have gone through this 3 times in two weeks.
I know there were discussions of the book yesterday but all this is on him, these are his choices. It sounds like when he’s having sex with you that he disconnects it from being you, in those moments I really do believe he’s trying to inflict mental and physical pain on you, like a lesson for saying no. You didn’t consent last night, you didn’t nod or say ok but you were resigned to the fact he would do it anyway. I also do believe in those moments if you fight back you’ll see an even darker side to this man, the safest thing to do is to get the help of the police ( when you are ready). He knows this isn’t normal, he probably did it to past partners but they managed to get away,

ActiveWatchingAdd postI'm on

The way to protect yourself from these constant rapes is to leave him. I don't think fighting back, shouting or screaming will help. He might even like it and there is a high risk the violence will escalate if you do. I think you are doing what you can in the moment to stop him injuring or killing you.

You need to leave him.

You may love him OP, but I don't think he loves you.

I'm sorry, he puts on a show and makes it seem real during the day - but you don't turn someone you love into a faceless sex doll night after night, knowingly recreating her rape.

You comply and cannot say no because the alternative is worse.

I think you are already gaining a bit of confidence @PinkPoetAgaiin .

A week or so ago when you woke to him on top of you he said "can I?" and you nodded (even though you didn't want to).
This time he said "can I?" and you didn't nod or assent (because you didn't want to and you already said 'no') Just a small action that means a lot.
Next time when he is in his 'position ' perhaps you might say 'no' . You can say 'no' whenever you like. It's your body not his.

I really wish I could swoop you out of this situation and put you and your children somewhere safe.

stay strong X

Feel awful today . anxious , jumpy.
got a migraine coming on but I don’t want to take the meds tonight because of what happened before

Pregnancy test was negative thank goodness

Call in sick today. Get a GP appointment and tell them you need help for domestic abuse. The choices you have are to continue to tolerate this because it’s not going to change, or take steps to get help via Women’s Aid.

I can maybe do this. But I’m a bit scared about what will happen. Has anyone actually contacted WA and can tell me step by step what they will actually do/offer/suggest?

I don’t think I’ve said this yet but one of the things I’m realising is that deep down I’m very worried that if we separated that I would almost certainly go back sooner or later.

I would be heartbroken and it would be painful (I know he doesn’t deserve it but it still would be)
The kids would be distraught
We would all miss him and our family unit

And then he’d come in with the apologies , please give me another chance I’ve changed. His family & our friends would encourage this too. My family maybe.

And I would take him back. I’m embarrassed to admit it but it happened 3/4 times in our relationship and that’s before children’s emotions were involved. I always went back within a week. My friend (the one who
knows) said to me once ‘you can’t live with each other or without each other ‘

I have not used WA but a colleague has. They will listen to you. They will assess the support that you need. This may be how to become financially astute, how to deal with the assaults, psychological support. It will be at your pace. I think you are scared that it’s going to be some kind of sweeping intervention. It doesn’t work like that. They will support you at your own pace. This isn’t going to be an instant remedy, it’s going to take years. They will coach you to get to a place of strength.

Poet you know your lovely friend? What would you say to her if this was reversed and she sent you this thread?
If you can’t leave right now, and it’s important you are bit scared into leaving this thread, could you at least bring up these nighttime attacks with him? And tell him that it’s not right.
Please keep going to your therapy. Talk to
your friend. Post here.
It is so sad that you can’t see there is a life out there for you without him. I have supported a good friend who finally, recently, left for good. She is in her 60’s and he’s taken enough of her life. He did something so bad in the end - not physical - that it was enough.

This is a very usual situation, that's why the stats mentioned above that it takes on average 7 times to finally leave. It is important to work on building your self esteem, your independence, your support network away from him in the meantime. You are no longer that vulnerable teenage girl, you are an intelligent, adult woman who is starting to see his bullshit and fake apologies for what they are.

I know you said last week that you would rather these attacks by your husband for the rest of your life than ‘risking’ other men in the outside world. Can you imagine feeling like this every few days until until you are 60+? It’s not a life.

99% of men are less dangerous, less manipulative and less controlling than your husband. I am so sorry the rapes continue. Please go to the GP or call WA today to just make the first tentative step to help you deal with this x

@PinkPoetAgaiin
You ask what you can do so you don't end up just lay there taking his assault when you have told him no...
I'd like to know, what is stopping you from saying to him, ' no i don't want any sort of sexual activity, and let me be clear, if you continue now I have said no, It will be rape/sexual assault' ?
I can't for a second believe he does not know this, but the fact you've never spoken up to him and called him out for what it is, it's as if he believes you are the one who's clueless about what it is, and hes banking on it continuing that way.

She's already discussed it with him, he brought it around to having sex to make him feel better and he told her he was turned on when she is upset. Plus he has since escalated the assaults and repeated the position. Talking to him will make it worse if anything.

Baby steps PinkPoet. Getting support today, for you, is the first step. No one is going to force you to leave him today. But maybe hearing some professionals validate what you are going through as rape and abuse will do something for you alongside some practical support. Maybe they will give you the advice on how to deal with last night’s situation when it happens again. If the day comes when you do leave then you share what’s been happening with your mum for a start. That takes away the bit where your family encourage you to go back.

Think of it this way, even if he did something you do consider a smoking gun - cheating, or even physically abusing your children (just for instance) - you would still find a split difficult emotionally. Perhaps you would be confronted with actually still feeling like you can’t leave OR you would have the resolve to do it anyway because of what he did. I think it will take time, therapy, and horrifically his own continuing and potentially escalating actions, but one day you may get to the point when you feel however hard it is, enough is enough. It will be your choice though no one is taking that away if you speak to someone today for help.

The kids don't know that their father is raping their mother several times a week, and has abused and groomed her until she doesn't even know which way is up anymore, and thinks initiating her own rapes would be 'better'.

If you were in your mum's position, and your daughter was in your position, would you hope she didn't tell you about her pain and fear, and her need to be mothered and supported because it would devastate you, and you should be enjoying your retirement? Or would it break your heart to think she didn't tell you, and struggled on alone?

What would you want your daughter to do, in this situation? Would you want her to stay quiet, to protect her husband from the consequences of his abuse, and stay with him, allowing her to continue to be raped, and her children to be raised by a rapist?

Or would you tell her that it doesn't matter what she thinks she feels for him, how much she feels she loves him, she doesn't deserve to be raped and abused? Would you tell her she can't live without him? Or would you tell her that in a couple of years, she'll be strong and happy, and wondering how she ever survived living with him for so long?

From what you've said about your mum in this thread, OP, I think perhaps you should try to tell her, and let her do what mothers do best - take care of you when you feel like you can't do it yourself.

You said you're afraid to tell her because then you won't be able to unsay it - but that's what you need. To not be able to hide your head in the sand anymore. It's terrifying, but it's bloody liberating once you come out the other side.

That should say not scared, not bit scared.

@DropOfffArtiste I do understand your words. Like most of us, I am just feeling around in the dark because Poet is just not able to leave right now.
I got a bit gung-ho on the last read, and it did not help one bit, it just made things worse.

And I would take him back. I’m embarrassed to admit it but it happened 3/4 times in our relationship and that’s before children’s emotions were involved. I always went back within a week.

As pps have said, it often takes several attempts to leave an abuser.

But people do leave.

And you're not the same person that took him back, you're more aware of what he's doing and how you are being manipulated. You're older, less naive, you're a mother.

You can grow, and disengage, and disconnect, and build yourself up. You are not doomed to remain in his thrall.

You could find out who pinkpoet really is.

I think just deal with the immediate crisis today and get help. Don’t think so far ahead. One step in front of the other.

you are not that same young girl - you are a grown woman now, and the things you know about him are very different.
You have childrens emotions to consider, but you also have children's wellbeing to consider, so if you got some actual space from him, without him being able to bombard you constantly with false platitudes, you may surprise yourself.
And you wont be taking the children away - he can still be a father.

You seem very frightened of his reaction, which to me indicates that he is capable of something you fear. That does seem to be one of the biggest hurdles.

And at the moment you have no idea about finances because you dont know what is in the pot. IF you seperate, that pot, ALL OF IT, will be divvied up, and things like looking after 4 kids and how that impacts your future earning potential, is all taken into account. He likely has a big pension pot too, and potentially savings. Plus as a high earner CM for 4 is going to be a fair amount. But things like this are for you to be advised on, and get help to understand. You wont be rags and homeless.

I actually feel unwell today . Maybe I’m coming down with something .

I called in sick and I will try and call WA