Never want to live with a man again?

[RosesAreRoses]

Im not even dating yet so this is a bit silly but I was talking about this with some people and I basically said I would never ever live with a man, I have children but even if I didn’t I would never move in with a man or have a man move in with me ever again. But according to people I was talking to this would be a deal breaker for them and they wouldn’t want to date someone who never wanted to live together? Im obviously not going to change my mind on this but does anyone else never intend to live with a man ever again? I just couldn’t live with a man again. Does anyone else feel this way?

for all the "oh I'm so happily married but anything ever happened to my has and I would SO live alone".

How would you know? Perhaps you cannot afford to live alone? And surely you stay in your cohabitation/married condition as you benefit from it? not that interested to see that repeated here, more interesting to hear from people who have broken the mould, gone against society and lived on their own terms imho.

Without any bad faith, I am just curios - all of us who say that we would never live with another partner/spouse. (I include myself, because even though I am very happily married, I would never live with anyone else in case we got a divorce with my wife).. So, do we genuinely think that while we are better off not having to deal with the annoyances of the other person, we in turn are not responsible for similar level annoyances? I would certainly say no. This whole question of compromise is true for everyone. Just because you are happy living with yourself, it doesn't mean you don't do annoying things, that you are easy to live with, etc. Just wondering if we are self-reflecting enough for that, or not.

Never say never

Oh I’m sure I have plenty of annoying habits too! I’m not perfect, but I don’t annoy myself 🤣

Honestly I wouldn’t have minded him spending on fun stuff for himself, if he had been contributing to the family finances at a proportionately fair level. But with him earning £40k and me barely bring home £12k, but him insisting we pay 50:50 into the household budget, it left us as a ‘family’ scraping by, and sometimes running out of grocery money by the end of the month, whilst he bought himself anything he wanted. Looking back, it was financial abuse.

Oh, I know I’m not easy to live with, I’m fully aware of that, I’m not in any way suggesting I’m perfect.

Totally get you - it’s bad enough when there’s money to spare but never enough to save, but when it’s tight it’s not acceptable at all

Absolutely would never do it again 😁I’ve lived alone with dc for 9 years. There is no chance in hell I would let a man move into my children’s safe and relaxing home.

Yeah, if I could live my life over again I would never live with a man in the first place.

My happiest time was the couple of years living with my 2 funniest and cleverest female friends from uni, in a flat where the vibe was calm and friendly and relatively orderly, and most evenings we’d cook together and have a laugh. We knew all about one another’s lives and families and work, and helped each other prepare for job interviews, supported each other through difficult times, etc.

I foolishly assumed this is what couple & family life would be life: warmth, a sense of belonging, a home you looked forward to returning to of an evening.

It seems to me now that these are things that women create, and men relentlessly extract from until the well runs dry.

Mine isn’t because of annoying habits well not really anyway (but part of it) but because I am never giving up the security of my home and having anyone claiming any rights to it. Not a risk I will take.

My mums in her 70s never lived with a man not even my father! So for some it is never.

Why would it matter if we have every annoying habit under the sun if we don’t intend to live with anyone again.

I don’t want to cohabit again because I enjoy my own peace too much - even if mr perfect walked into my life tomorrow I would still kick him out of bed to piss off back to his own home after a day or too.

I should add financially, I’m better off living alone weirdly.
both the exs I lived with seemed to spend endless endless money on cars, beer, technology, meat, hobbies.
I’m quite a simple pleasures person - my tv is 15 years old, my house is very small and well insulated, I like the outdoors, I don’t drink, smoke, eat takeaways, eat much meat, have credit cards etc .
when I lived with my ex’s there was never enough money for nice days out or holidays or for things that were just for me ❤️These days I take my dc away 2/3 a year usually long haul and the rest of the time live really cheaply

This is actually the least of my worries. I lived with my ex and we both had separate properties. So long as we were not married, none of us had any claim on each other's finances and assets. And I definitely don't have any interest in marriage or joint finances for that exact reason.
Living together, for me, is more about compromising on routine and structure and personal freedom. I am quite happy to admit that I have awful annoying habits and I don't want anyone nitpicking on them or having to change them to accommodate someone else's awful annoying habits.

You’ve hit the nail on the head here - it never starts out like that, it’s a slow creep once they get their feet under the table. My DH used to cook, and plan holidays! That stopped forever once we got married.

He was like an employee who did brilliantly at interview, and made it through the probation period with flying colours, showed tremendous promise and had all sorts of amazing ideas - and as soon as he had full employment rights and it would be legally and procedurally onerous to sack him he just…stopped.

Like he’d beaten the final boss and there was no reason to keep playing the game.

This is what all the MN ‘presumably he was like this before you married him?’ smuggos have yet to learn. They’re hardly ever like that until you’re well and truly stuck with kids and a mortgage - and then they make sure you know they will be obstructive as shit if you divorce, your DC will not be cared for properly in their contact time.

I think there's a bit of bad faith to be describing the reasons here as about "annoyances" of living together.

It's more than "annoying" to end up doing the lion's share of housework and emotional labour, to have agreements ignored or overridden, to be expected to always prioritise an entitled man's wants over your own, or to have to fight all the time to share those responsibilities equally or taken seriously. (Of course, disclaimer: not all men).

Not being keen to risk living with another man doesn't mean I think I'm perfect or not annoying to live with 😀 I'm very annoying. But I am a good consistent loving partner who sticks to what I've said.

I don't mind snoring or care about how the dishes are stacked - these are things that can be got round. It's the deeper issues that make it a dubious prospect.

I’m honestly not really that bothered about that side of things. I just want to protect my home and my children’s home and also wouldn’t move a man in here with my children. It’s interesting as I was talking to others about it and a lot of men seem to view it as a deal breaker so seem to be looking for a place to live! Which is a red flag itself so at least it weeds those ones out.

Yes, once my children leave home, I most certainly wouldn’t want to be all alone.
I love having someone dote on me and I’m quite messy so if someone added to that I doubt I’d notice.

Horses for courses. I don’t feel ‘all alone’. I just see it as peaceful. I would struggle living with a house full of people whereas some people love the noise and chaos.

100% - I know so many women my age( 50+) who never want to cohabit again and who say that it seems to be a dealbreaker for any men we meet.

I struggle with chaos too. Which is partly why I’d have to wait until the kids left home. I would never inflict that on anyone else.
But if I met a new best friend then I can imagine I’d want to spend as much time with them as possible. I’m very codependent.
Being by oneself is only peaceful for a few minutes then it’s just lonely.

You’ve just described my ex, our second baby was born and he just defaulted to being my third child. All domestic contribution stopped, I was suddenly responsible for everything, including him.

I can see both sides. I came out of a long marriage and didn’t want to live with anyone again. I thought fwb would be ideal. Instead I met the man I’m seeing and I’m now conflicted. Not helped by the fact we live about 3 hours apart. I love living on my own but miss him a lot and can see the attraction of being together full time but it’s a big step. I wouldn’t be able to afford to move to his area and stay living separately. He’s tied to his area as he’s a farmer. So I’m going to have to make a decision at some point. Not helped as he’s full on with lambing and calving and short staffed right now. Luckily not at ages where we want babies, I’m 55 and he’s 49. So I think like lots of things you start off with one opinion and it can shift as things happen in life.

And they never see it either. My DH will swear on all that’s holy that he pulls his weight and contributes equally to domestic work & childrearing despite not knowing how to use the washing machine or where the cat food is kept or what goes in DC’s packed lunch or whether his taxes have been filed or when the car is due for its MOT or how often the lawn needs mowing or which GP surgery DC is registered with, or which bank our mortgage is with or what time school begins and ends…

But he is, by his own estimation, a staunch feminist ally.

I’m just done trying to have the conversations & waiting for DC to grow up so I can get out from under his dead weight.

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