How can I tell my boyfriend his affection feels too intense?

[Adias42]

i need help with how to say/word this to my boyfriend.
we have been together 4 months, he is really great, we get on so well and I do really like him. However he is quite intense at times with his affection.
some examples-
he wants to hold hands all the time. I don’t mind this but he wants to do it walking round Tescos while pushing a trolley, that’s ridiculous to me.
if I’m making a cuppa he’s standing with his arms wrapped around me waist, head snuggled in to my neck. Impractical but also annoying.
he is so keen for eveything but not in a normal way. If I say can we stop at the shop en route home he will say “I’d love to do that with you beautiful”
he will repeat the compliment if I don’t always respond, I think he thinks I didn’t hear it.
if we’re having a chat, even his a little chit chat about our days he will sit facing me holding hands with such deep eye contact. This is ok for some chats but not these ones.

im maybe making him sound awful. Hes ‘normal’ 80% of the time but the rest its this intense stuff and I dont like it.

how can I say this to him without hurting his feelings?

I know a bloke like this, every few months he has a new love of his life on facebook and absolutely 'forever grateful' to have her in his life. Life revolves around her, he cannot fathom anyone more beautiful bla bla bla. He gets utterly obsessed to the point he rarely sees any of his 4 kids with previous loves of his life who he also fawned all over. He gives me the creeps to be honest and your bloke seems very like him. I couldnt have that level of intensity and I bet hes already he told you he loves you and you are the one bla bla bla already op?

If he is soppy could you chat about love languages? His is physical touch and acts of service, yours are not etc.

I think you’re right to have the conversation but how he reacts will tell a lot. If he sulks or withdraws it won’t be because you said it wrong it will be because he is a man child.

Nobody wants to be cuddled while they’re handling boiling water. This is basic stuff that all adults know. Considering his ex told him he is intense I wouldn’t put too much effort into educating him.

Some men regulate themselves via physical touch which is very different from genuine affection.

No, hasn’t said I love you as yet

You can't and it's over. You don't like his love language and find him suffocating cut him loose

Just the words 'love language' have me recoiling from the bloke and I don't even know him!

Fuck off dickhead should cover it.

My ex was like this. Turned out he was actually a massive avoidant and I feel now he was just ‘performing’ romance/love while it was the honeymoon phase and he was riding that chemical dopamine high because at the start it was easy, there were no real demands on his capacity. Easy to act romantic and ‘all in’ when there’s nothing at stake. It wasn’t sustainable of course. Sounds like he could be trying to fast track genuine love, depth and connection rather than letting the intimacy build naturally OP. If you don’t find it romantic then it’s not romance, it’s just him getting whatever his needs are met, like a pp said, regulating through touch. If he’s not calmed it down after you telling him and him saying ‘whatever you are comfortable with’ then I’m not sure joking about it will be clear enough. I once asked mine why he was constantly grabbing my hand to kiss it (ick!) and if he thought I liked it or if this is just how he was in relationships, and he literally couldn’t answer. Looking back it was all for show and I wonder if it was ever genuine affection or not. Just be careful OP, something sounds off.

"Hey, I really like being you, I just wanted to say that we have differing levels of need for physical contact. I like some, but I'm a 4 and your an 8 out of ten, and the mismatch is making me feel uncomfortable. Could we chat about it and work it out so that things feel easy again?"

As a PP said, discuss with him the times a lot of physical contact is okay and the times it's not. If he can't handle this, then it's a bad long term sign.

Just be upfront and tell him he is too intense and your not comfortable with some of the things he does, tell him the examples.

Like a pp said, his reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

I do fear this could be him trying to love bomb you.

Why are they the only two options? Theres a whole range of things you could say that don't involve either tiptoeing around him or dumping him.

"God you're cheesy sometimes"
"Oh that came dangerously close to giving me the ick"
"Don't be a bellend Steve"

The problem you've got is that you've gone months putting up with it rather than falling around laughing the first time he went utterly over the top, so now he thinks you like it. So skewer him gently, and then take the piss progressively more harshly every time he does it again.

Sounds like he could be love bombing you.

This is a Big Red Flag. He is controlling and will turn abusive sooner rather than later. Do a Clare's law at least.

I'm a guy, obviously, and other men hate soppy guys, and a huge percentage of women can't be doing with them, either, as far as I'm aware. It must be a right turn off for them.

Oh god this is bringing back bad memories.

I knew a guy for a few years but not very well through my cousin. I always thought he was handsome, funny, very clever but had never really spent much time with him or paid him much attention. I also knew he was a bit of a womaniser and had a reputation for never staying with anyone longer than a couple of nights.

Fast forward five years and we got together on a night out. It was a bit of a wild night out, loads of us, there was lots of chemistry and we ended up back in his house having loads of sex. The next morning I hung about for a bit, chatting etc then headed off. I was disappointed he didn't ask for my number but that's the risk you take when you leap into bed; you have to be prepared for it to be a ons.

Later on that week his name appeared in my work email inbox of all places. It was long, well written and very very funny. He explained briefly why he hadn't asked for my number, said he regretted it immediately and if it's not too late would I be interested in going out on a proper date. I said yes, we met up and it was magical, utterly magical. His conversation was so funny and fast-paced and challenging and quick-witted.

Then... I honestly don't know what happened. He went from never committing to anyone to going in 100% with me within a few weeks He couldn't get enough of me. Every word form my lips seemed to delight him. He never disagreed with me. He suffocated me with compliments, physical affection, relentless declarations of love. He couldn't keep his hands off me ever. He wouldn't speak to anyone else in the room. He gazed at me like a lovestruck puppy and never left my side.

He made my skin crawl. I asked him to stop, give me space, please be himself, pay attention to his friendships etc. No. I had to dump him because that attractive, intelligent, confident man had disappeared.