How can I tell my boyfriend his affection feels too intense?

[Adias42]

i need help with how to say/word this to my boyfriend.
we have been together 4 months, he is really great, we get on so well and I do really like him. However he is quite intense at times with his affection.
some examples-
he wants to hold hands all the time. I don’t mind this but he wants to do it walking round Tescos while pushing a trolley, that’s ridiculous to me.
if I’m making a cuppa he’s standing with his arms wrapped around me waist, head snuggled in to my neck. Impractical but also annoying.
he is so keen for eveything but not in a normal way. If I say can we stop at the shop en route home he will say “I’d love to do that with you beautiful”
he will repeat the compliment if I don’t always respond, I think he thinks I didn’t hear it.
if we’re having a chat, even his a little chit chat about our days he will sit facing me holding hands with such deep eye contact. This is ok for some chats but not these ones.

im maybe making him sound awful. Hes ‘normal’ 80% of the time but the rest its this intense stuff and I dont like it.

how can I say this to him without hurting his feelings?

In my younger years I had a partner exactly like this and in hindsight I should have ran a mile. Not knowing when it’s appropriate to be affectionate is a problem, as is not picking up on cues that someone is uncomfortable.

I recognise the intense eye contact. My ex was play acting being in love , and when I didn’t want to act “in love” back he got really abusive. The fact you are worried about approaching this with him is a red flag.

His behaviour makes me feel quite nauseous tbh. Speak up and tell him when it's OTT irritating.

It's going to hurt his feelings regardless. This is today's new men, they are highly sensitive beings, sorta like how teen girls in love used to act. My blunt advice would be to get out of that relationship since it's only 4 months in. BUT, since you say he's a nice dude, you should just be point blank and tell him when you don't like things. If he gets bitchy about it, you have to take my earlier advice.

~ If you would like to chat about it, I'm here!

For phrasing I’d start with an acknowledgment of what you believe his motives are. Eg- I know you are trying to be loving and affectionate but…. examples … (just as you did in the OP clarification it’s nice sometimes to hold hands/whatever but this is too much/wrong situation for you).

then his reaction tells you what you need to know. If he takes it on board and tries to adjust then he’s safe enough, may need lots of help learning how you work (possibly autistic if he can’t read from your face and body language you don’t like it?). If he’s defensive or deflecting then end it it’s not healthy

What is his family like?

I'm trying to gauge whether this is what he wants or whether it's performative because he thinks he should be doing it to "keep his girl".

If it's something HE wants, that is not something you can change, no matter what magic words you try to find. It'll likely be born from anxiety and insecurity, and it will grow into possessiveness that could lead to abuse.

If it's performative, he'll accept you telling him about what you find tolerable regarding your personal space.

I’m not worried about approaching him. I’ve just decided to do it and want help with how to say it without it sounding like I want out of the relationship, because I don’t

You’re right he does sound awful. You out by saying he’s great, but it made me feel uncomfortable to read this.

How old is he? How many relationships has he had? Does he sulk or react negatively when you are not as demonstrative back?

It's hard to tell if he is just a lovely but soppy git or if this is his love bombing you.

I think you need to say at the time he's doing it:
"Hey, I need my hand back!"
"I'm trying to make tea here, Roger, let go"
"I'm not comfortable with PDAs"
and stop letting him squash your boundaries in the moment.

See how he reacts to your nos.

If he ignores them, it's information about him you need to heed.

Get rid of this 🐙 octopus.
Not good. 🤢

After 4 months though? Feels lovebomby to me.

He sounds immature and it's not your job to fix him.
Say what you've said here, say it once and see how he responds.
"I don't like it when you... Please don't do it as much/at all"

He’s 40. He has had a few longterm relationships. He said a precious partner called him intense (he said this during a conversation about how past not about us now). I’d say it’s for worse then more he seems to like me. I do think he is just soppy.

hes never sulked anything. The walking around Tescos holding hands I did say to him
about that and he said that’s fine and whatever I’m comfortable with but I couldn’t bring myself to list everything else. I said this 2 weeks ago when it happened

Urgh, this would be a dealbreaker for me.

I feel claustrophobic just thinking about it. Sometimes I even get overwhelmed by my toddler wanting to hug me all the time and I can guarantee your BF is nowhere near as cute as my toddler 😂

oh! I thought he was going to be 22!

Is he Middle Eastern/Asian by any chance?

No

Woah that's intense.

"I know you mean all xyz in the best possible way and I love the affection and thought behind it, but I'm finding all the xyz too much - it feels suffocating. Can you please dial it down? Here are some occasions when it's OK, here are some when it's not...If you're ever not sure please just check in with me"

I wonder if this behaviour comes from neediness rather than affection, in which case therapy might help.

That would drive me bonkers and I would have been outta there by week 3.

I dated someone like this too. Towards the end we couldn't even watch a movie together because he would just sit and stare at me instead. I can't stand love bombers. It's not genuine, it's not kind, it's not wanted. They only do it because it makes them feel great, even if it makes the other person uncomfortable. I did try to tell him that he was too intense, too much, how it made me feel etc. but none of it registered with him. It really only made it worse because it made him panic that I was about to break up with him. After I told him I didn't want to see him anymore he kept reaching out, usually in the middle of the night, saying he wants to talk etc. Then he'd go quiet for a few months, then start up again but saying we should be friends. I'd block him, and then he'd contact me on Insta months later, I'd block him there and he's reach out of FB, even LinkedIn. Always with a few months gap when he'd have other short term relationships that would inevitably end.

You would have to have the patience of a saint to stay with him to see if it gets any better years down the line. Only do it if you have time to waste.

Yes this might be the best approach

@Adias42 just the one chance though - if you tell him and he doesn't back off, or he does but it's short lived, then end it. Don't waste your time, or sanity!

he said that’s fine and whatever I’m comfortable with

Go with this. Tell him that some things he does are too intense for you and you'd like to find a more comfortable balance. Say I'll let you know how I feel at the time and would appreciate it if you could dial it down a bit. Then see what happens.

When he holds your hands and stares into your eyes, withdraw your hands and look away and say, this is one of those things I'm not comfortable with.

When he constantly wants to be hanging off you, remove his hands and say, this is one of those things I'm not comfortable with.

And so on...

If he adjusts his behaviour all well and good. If he doesn't then he's not willing to respect your boundaries and you can show him the door.

ick. In the bin.