Anyone married to someone with PDA and managing everyday family life?

[Ittakeslonger]

Anyone on here married to someone with PDA? Just recently dawned on me, after 30 years of marriage, why my very affectionate, protective and loyal husband struggles with me asking him to do anything (to the extent I no longer ask him to do anything). Just wondering how others have coped with getting support for household chores, looking after children, planning holidays, getting things repaired in the house, getting rid of clutter etc etc. Mostly just would like to hear what it's like for others.

Because home is supposed to be a safe space where people with autism don’t (or shouldn’t have to) mask, whereas work/school requires you to mask heavily, which is exhausting and mentally draining. Hence why they can appear to function at some times and not at others

or your generation is just unbearably ignorant and need to get with the times. Things like autism and PDA didn’t not exist just because you haven’t heard of them.

My partner isn't diagnosed with anything but I suspect ND and he really struggles with motivation. Thankfully we don't have kids and I have ADHD so I understand the struggles to a degree so I don't really have any tips exactly and I imagine my experience won't be that relatable for you. I avoid labelling it as laziness (though he will call it that) because I don't think it's helpful and also it hand waves it away as something normal/a character trait rather than an avoidant coping mechanism which is what I think it is for him.

I'm also a little wary of excusing men not pulling their weight, we aren't having children but I do think if you have these struggles and choose to have kids without addressing them that's a very selfish move (from him, not you).

That being said, it does sound like this is something he's aware of as he's acknowledged it with the jokes and might be interested in exploring/understanding about himself. I'd personally be encouraging him to take some ownership of the issue and figuring out what will help him step up as opposed to tips to help you manage him better. There's a book called 'Laziness does not exist' which I found really insightful about the things people are struggling with that look like laziness but are actually often driven by things like undiagnosed ND. It probably sounds counterintuitive but I do think taking some of the shame out of it can make it easier for someone to see and act to change a behaviour. My worst traits are things I can't bear to address because I feel so guilty and ashamed of them.

That's probably not a quick fix though, so in the meantime, can he compensate financially eg by paying for a cleaner out of his salary? But again if it's down to you to do all the admin around that it seems unfair. My partner loves tech and earns more so if I can think of a techy solution he will research, buy it and set it up eg plumbed in robot mop/robot lawnmower/bean to cup coffee machine instead of pods. But it's still on me to actually run the robots eg pick things up off the floor so they can work (and that clutter is normally mine tbf)

A couple of things I do on the off chance it helps:
I take note of the few things that he will do without fail and let him do those even if I would prefer to do them sometimes. So he will happily just let the dog go un-walled for 6 months, but he has to eat, so if I leave him to sort dinner while I do the evening walk, it's ready when I get back and he normally leaves the kitchen cleaner than I do when I cook too. It's not a perfect solution because it means we eat less healthily than I'd like and he gets to opt out whenever he feels like it (a lot) by ordering takeaway, but it is better than having the mental load of planning and cooking every night.

It sounds like you probably already do this but I've also learned not to hope for help with anything that matters to me and just to make sure it's done. So eg petty but he will throw away coffee pods rather than empty and recycle them if he thinks I won't notice. So even though it's unfair because he drinks 10x the coffee I do and it hurts my hands to clean them out, I just try to do it every day and don't expect he'll do it it I leave them for him.

Where is OP's safe space, then? The space where she gets to live in comfort only doing what she finds effortless?

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

This is really interesting because my partner will say all I have to do is ask for help but when I ask he always says I haven't asked right even though I feel like I've tried every way I can think of. And then sometimes he's annoyed I've asked at all because it's obvious to him that he will do thing he hasn't done the 6 previous days that week. So please teach me! What is the right way to ask?

PDA is real. I have seen it myself and I don’t
think it’s something a woman can fix.

My DS18 is a high functioning autistic young man who was also given a diagnosis of PDA when he was about 11. Low demand parenting, and scaffolding him with chores, laundry, cooking, transport is the only reason we got him out of EBSA and into college 100% attendance doing a course he loves.

He'd love to have a girlfriend but part of me would tell her to run(!) because I know what living with exH was like, a bit like the OP. How can I turn things around, so that he is a man suitable for family life. Or is it too late?

Wow, you sound bitter. So men shouldn't be expected to do household chores when most couples both work full time? And they can't be expected to take charge of their own contraception if they don't want any more children? Assuming you are a hard done by man who was too lazy to put a condom on and now has to deal with the consequence of fatherhood.

Find a way to outsource. We moved to a smaller house so we could. H was disabled physically for a short while and I just got stuff done by outsourcing what should be “his” jobs and some of mine I wasn’t coping with. Big adjustments to our family budget but we need scaffolding. All of us are ND. It’s been very freeing.

Yes and it’s extremely challenging to the point that I’m not sure I can spend the rest of my life with him. I stopped asking for him to do anything years ago. It’s affected my mental health severely I think. If I ever do leave, I will live blissfully alone. Some of the strategies described above work occasionally but so many variables have to be right and I find it too mentally exhausting most of the time to bother. I do love him though and I know he hates this aspect of himself but I don’t think he’s remotely considered just how broken I am by it (but then I’ve never told him, I just stopped asking).

Can you expand on what wording is good and what to avoid please?

@NewIssueNewName, i feel foryou.
if I had known my H was autistic, & knew PDA was thing. It would have changed my life.
i most certainly would have had the knowledge at the start, & have been able to choose a lifelong battle, rather than a normal give & take relationship.
Knowing, now, doesn't really help me. I am still the sacrificial lamb.
I am the motor, the leader, the rock. He is Always, trying to defeat me

I think I might have this. If I’m planning say, empty the dishwasher, and DH asks me to do it, I feel so angry about doing it I can’t do it - even though I had every intention.

Similarly, if he asks me to do something now, I feel so mad about it I passionately don’t want to do it, and it’ll ruin my mood to do it.

Instead, I’ve learnt to ask “how can I help” as it then feels like my idea and less of a demand, or we sit down in the morning over coffee and discuss the things that need doing that day and I can put them into my own plan and get them done. For bigger jobs, he might mention that they need doing in the week so I can then get on with it at the weekend.

It’s not an issue at all if it’s a job I notice and need to do.

This post is either deliberately goady and offensive or just really really stupid. Hard to decide.

I was married to someone with PDA for many years. Had not heard of it, of course, did not even realise he was autistic, but it is obvious to me now. He fits the checklist above exactly.
It nearly killed me! I divorced him eventually and am now relaxed and happy again.
I would advise anyone to end the relationship, because it's simply impossible.
My ex now lives in squalour apparently, but I think he is probably happier.

Would you say this about a child with PDA? Children grow up you know and PDA doesn't go away

It's a really tricky dilemma. I realised this myself because DH is clearly autistic but also very high-masking and brilliant at his work. On paper, he's incredibly successful but struggles with everyday tasks like grocery shopping, cooking, organisation etc. Childcare was a disaster because he cannot cope with routines or sleep being disrupted. I tried having an honest conversation with my MIL and noticed she was being a bit cagey and evasive, and then it hit me that she knew exactly how he was all these years. She does an enormous amount of work for him, including cooking lunch every day as he works close to her home. If left to his own devices, he would simply forget to eat most days or end up scavenging and eating all the pre-packaged snacks in the cupboard.

As the OP in this thread said, trying to delegate tasks is very hard because of the PDA. He sometimes performatively overcompensates such as going grocery shopping and buying enormous amounts of perishable food that we cannot possibly finish before they expire (and no freezer space either), or he agrees to bring DD to school but wakes up at the crack of dawn and gets there 1 hour before the classes start and so they have to wait outside the door. At times his behaviour borders narcissism, which is apparently quite common for untreated autistic adults.

There's no easy answer because it depends entirely on the future partner. We have managed to muddle through and things are getting easier, plus I can objectively understand the reasons behind his behaviour even though it's hard to cope with at times. I know that he would have been born ND either way, and it was only through the sacrifice of his mum that he managed to have a good (some may say great) life instead of suffering like many autistic boys from uncaring homes. He has many good sides and is very generous and loyal. I try not to compare our lives with other peoples and what expectations that men "should" do. I'm also ND myself so it's not like I run a perfect ship and he's fine with the chaos I generate.

This is such bullshit. Now all the lazy men of the world are going to be labelled PDA - how perfect for them!

I find it very hard to get my head around PDA. whether it’s procrastination, can’t be arsed etc. If you find a task difficult that’s one thing, but as an adult (unless you have severe learning disabilities) then I cannot fathom how people can’t cope with putting the washing machine on or get completely overwhelmed at the thought of paying a bill etc and so point blank refuse to do things?!

Its called lack of executive functioning. If children can have it, so can adults - women included.

I know. It's weird.
But my adult dc visited my ex recently, opened the dishwasher to find it full of mouldy, furry things.
'WTF, dad?'
'It stopped working.'
Don't know who sorted it all out for him. Don't want to know. Not my problem anymore!

And my ex runs a fairly successful business.

Most people don't feel like doing stuff but being an adult is about getting on and doing it. It's about making choices. Do you want to live in squalor or get off your arse and clean your house, wash your clothes, yourself, etc?

We all suffer from FDFLI (fucking don't feel like it) at times. Humanity is definitely moving towards an era of self indulgence. Not sure where this is going to get us: A generation of completely useless people.

PDA is a very uncommon condition so it's highly unlikely that all these DH's have it and have been able to mask it their whole lives until now.

But it's not everyone is it? It's a tiny minority. And I'm sure they've always been there. They exist to do one thing well with monofocus and they can be great at that. Don't marry one though!!