Anyone married to someone with PDA and managing everyday family life?

[Ittakeslonger]

Anyone on here married to someone with PDA? Just recently dawned on me, after 30 years of marriage, why my very affectionate, protective and loyal husband struggles with me asking him to do anything (to the extent I no longer ask him to do anything). Just wondering how others have coped with getting support for household chores, looking after children, planning holidays, getting things repaired in the house, getting rid of clutter etc etc. Mostly just would like to hear what it's like for others.

That's a whole new level of dick-pandering. Impressive

Can I ask, as someone who is likely autistic but doesnt know much about PDA - how can you distinguish a man with PDA from a man who has grown up in a patriarchal society and wasnt raised with participating in the running of a household or ownership of household tasks, selfish personality and therefore doesnt want to do things they have no interest in, think someone else could do them so why should they, has never really learnt how to handle needing to do stressful things... etc etc. Does the assessment for PDA cover gender roles in the household in childhood for example?

I've just started listening to a book called The Four Tendencies today about what motivates people, and one of the four is Rebel which I was thinking was quite like PDA. Might be worth a look if he's looking some understanding and coping strategies without going down the autism diagnostic route.

Again, I've just started listening, but it was recommended by a few people.
Could always listen to a YouTube video /podcast about it with him in earshot?

I wonder where all these PDA people were, throughout history.

Plenty of women must've had it... yet strangely, they just got on with things, because they had to

This is just the latest excuse for lazy men who can't be arsed to pull their weight domestically. "Womens' work" is beneath them, or boring so not worth their time

This is a great question and exactly what I am asking myself now. Also this was what was on my mind when I said it kind of doesn't matter to me now whether it’s PDA or what you describe. The effect is what it is.
Although in my DH I think depression and possibly addiction is playing a part too.

Im diagnosed autistic and massively struggle with pda, I know lots of other ND women who struggle with pda but they can’t just opt out of adult family life. I’ve never come across a woman yet whose husband has taken on the entire load for everything because their wife would never ever do it and who paints her as an amazing woman/mother. Im sure those men are out there but compared to the amount of women I see seeking support and help for their amazing nd men who do zero around the house or with the children spouse. It’s very rare.

Another big difference I often see is my female autistic friends who struggle with pda, apply those struggles to their hobbies and interests too. They spend weeks/months choosing a pen. They put off things they enjoy because their own pda affects their lives in all areas, and they hate themselves for it.

They do their own research on ways to help themselves be better partners and mothers, they know their husband and kids deserve more. Men don’t seem to hold themselves to the same standard and while I know very well pda is a thing and it’s fucking hard to live with, men seem to get to opt out of a lot and still get called amazing in a way women don’t.

I’ll probably get flamed for this but I’ve noticed it’s the higher earning men who seem to find women who are willing to manage every basic life task for the husband while still calling him a great man. If those traits are in an unemployed man or low income man, it’s viewed as neglectful and irresponsible.

Oh wow, this is my life. DH not doing anything while actively derailing/controlling plans and decisions… I’ve never seen it described so clearly. Sorry @NewIssueNewName - I don’t have the answers, but I’m sending solidarity your way.

My husband and eldest child both have pda. With both wording is crucial and makes life mich smoother.

So if you're right and it's PDA, what then?

I have it & am diagnosed with autism. My partner is not diagnosed but he is clearly on the spectrum & I think also PDA. His mother complains about things that are in line with PDA. He is extremely contrary about everything, I use a lot of reverse psychology on him. I was married but couldn’t remain so, participating in family life was agony. Much much better now we are apart. My exh diagnosed me way before I accepted it. Flexible working is great for me and I have adjustments in place. My partner is forever arguing with his director at work but it helps he works about .7 of a contract and the rest for himself. We live in 2 separate countries but I have a house where he is so can go over & he stays with me. In some ways I have to treat him like one of my kids and he is fatherly to me. Maybe some of PDA is about dysfunctional father relationships. We’ve known each other forever so it helps to know each other’s dysfunctional families and we naturally try not to put too many demands on each other. Our families expected us to marry but we are both against that and we both get equally kind of jealous but loyal with each other. Weird really! This post has made me identify the symptoms a bit more. We both need space but don’t phrase it that way. He goes to his laboratory to do his fixings and studies, I retreat into myself and write books. It does work but it’s lucky we don’t have kids or money in common. He helps me with my homes and loves doing jobs for me, especially when I am out at work. People who know us say we are individually not made to be with other people. He respects my DCs very much but I keep my expectations low and my personal involvement with my children high. I have to add here that I was romantically linked with this man as a teenager, we were expected to marry but I broke it off to go to university, so we do know each other very well.

Are we reading the same thread?????

I am, I found out about PDA after being puzzled by my husband’s behaviours. He doesn’t have obvious asd until you really know him. Our son is diagnosed PDA, I saw the traits early. Life is hard work, we survive it as he is a high earner and we have staff. I just about keep my head above water. My PDAers can achieve anything if they want it and have autonomy. We are on a slow learning curve of actually caring for me and my needs. They flit between very caring and sociopathic. I’m often let down.

I just thought it was the result of patriarchy, a down trodden mother and busy career at first. I then noticed the real struggles, the move into melt downs and other asd traits like monotropic concentration, processing delay, exhaustion after socialising/travel etc. These things only show in the home and are masked at work. It is very different from just being a selfish controlling jerk which is what I originally thought! Sadly I’m not sure it matters some days as it is still hard on me. If I could turn back time I’d run a mile.

Oh my God come on.
All these men can "mask" for their workplaces and do the things they're asked to do, often very successfully, but at home they conveniently have PDA that stops them doing household chores if they're asked to? They just do whatever tasks they feel like in their own good time. (And their children have learned that the same behaviour gets them out of doing things, unhelpfully patholigised as a "disorder").
For fucks sake.
How can any woman fall for this bullshit?

Why is it that women are running themselves ragged trying to fit life around their "PDA" men, making excuses and facilitating their behaviour?
I don't see any men doing the same for their "PDA" wives.

Exactly this. Does this man work?

This! Wonder what would happen if they didn’t have people to pick up the slack for them?
what would their reactions be if other people gave them the same responses they give?
“oh the demand of being expected to go to the supermarket, make meals, pay bills and run the house is just too overwhelming… I absolutely cannot do it!”
they go to their v v important job unwashed and in dirty, disheveled state?

High-functioning men with PDA were almost always undiagnosed autistic boys who had all of their needs met by their mums. Their mums knew something was "wrong" with them but bent over backwards to do all their cleaning, laundry, cooking, chores and life admin so the could have a reasonably normal life pursuing things they enjoyed. There are plenty of mums who still do insane numbers of chores & childcare for their adult autistic sons.

The problem is that this is never explicitly passed onto their partners when they started a marriage or family. The wife is expected to take over all the chores that these ND men cannot cope with. They only realise this bit by bit, and may possibly be ND themselves which makes it harder. I think the mothers are complicit in producing men who are entirely incapable of taking care of themselves or basic life tasks.

Yes! Very much so. Im sure I read that its rooted in anxiety about not having any control..... but its not about being "controlling" in the way we understand it. I feel sorry for anyone my DD has a r.ship with. Her outbursts are horrific - even when I use the strategies that used to work. She is beautiful and can be so caring, loving,.kind and thoughtful but god help you if you ask her to e.g turn the light off thst she is right next to

Yes.

If the wife wasn't running around covering his slack, would he literally sit in shit and not pay his bills? Or would he have to do the things he doesn't want to do.

Nobody likes these things, they just need done.

I left mine. He has made it his mission to make life hell for me ever since. He had no diagnosis and I very much put his behaviour down to selfish lazy unreasonable <insert curse> at the time.

Only in hindsight did I hear of PDA and realise it fits as he is very anxious and gets out of proportion upset by or avoids everyday necessities like brushing teeth, recipes, meal planning, and will avoid things that he wants/needs to do just because he has been asked. Clashes with authority at work. Can often respond better when presented with a problem statement than a request.

It’s a way of understanding things but other than that it doesn’t really change a lot. If you’re looking for a partner that cooperates, they still aren’t that, diagnosis or not. It’s like having an extra, difficult, child to deal with.

My day to day workload dropped greatly on leaving but I have a new load of sheer hell from the drama he still manages to create for me.

What puzzles me is how women fall in love with the younger versions of these men.

But then I am a little sceptical of PDA full stop, as opposed to simply not wanting to follow rules and instructions.

If it’s any consolation, the opposite character type (exacting, demanding and very high standards) isn’t necessarily any easier to live with…but boy do they get stuff done!

This need for a diagnosis for personality traits is getting out of control. PDA is a description of a person who has a strong personality, who hates it when people try to control them, who dislikes authority, is sensitive and emotionally intense.

Controlling personalities gravitate towards diagnoses as it makes them feel less anxious, hence the op’s question.

This is about two people coming up against each other and both have an anxious need to control

And yes, I’m qualified to say this and I work in the field. Anxious and controlling people also have an ott regard for qualifications. It’s all part of their need to believe that there is a system that works in this chaotic world

Is this the latest alphabet disease? Who thinks them up?

I'm almost 60 and we didn't have all these letters for stuff when I was young, but PDA sounds very much like what my generation would call 'Can't be arsed' - maybe they got the letters wrong - CBA?

PDA is real. But that doesn't mean you have to live with it. I'm afraid I think an autistic person with PDA is probably not equipped to be a parent and equal partner, unless they have a lot of insight and work very hard to manage their needs.