Has anyone regretting leaving the ‘nice’ guy

[DancingInTheDark44]

Married for over 10 years with teenage children. He is the nicest man but has changed completely from when we first met. We have different interests, he spends his weekends at football and I do my thing,
we sleep in different rooms, has no physical touch. Basically it’s like we’re house mates. He would be happy to plod along but I think I’m wasting my life. I’m not happy, even though he hasn’t done anything wrong. I feel like he deserves someone who could love him so much more than I can. I don’t know what to do. I can’t stop crying as I know it will hurt him when I tell him.

Will I regret it, will I wish I’d done it years ago or do I just carry on to make everyone else happy

Ask yourself, now and in the future, could I have sex with him again? If the answer is no, leaving is the right thing. Unless you are both 100% on the same page with a no sex relationship, there is no way you should be together in a sexless relationship.

And to answer your question, I've left 2 nice guys. Never regretted either for a minute.

The grass isn’t always greener, OP, but if you’re this frustrated and unhappy something needs to change.

Do you ever talk about the situation? Have you actually told him how you feel? Because if he really is a ‘nice guy’ and you still basically love and respect each other, it’s definitely worth trying to work through problems. But if you’ve already tried with no success, then it’s probably time to cash in your chips.

All I’d say is, only make the change if you’re doing as a step towards living a positive life, happy life as a single woman. If you’re leaving because of some imagined future with a different, ‘better’ man, you’re likely to be just as unhappy. There are vanishingly few good ones out there, and it’s harder the older you get, so a great new relationship is unlikely to fall in your lap. But if you’re out there living a good life on your own terms, then who knows?

Op what conversations have you had with him about it? What first attracted you to him? Ultimately it’s up to you but I do think he’s entitled to a conversation and an opportunity for you to reconnect again. That would mean both of you putting information in some considerable effort and not just give up after two weeks.

Try talking about the situation over a period of a couple of months, my DH loves football I couldn’t care less but we do have many other things in common. Still have plenty of laughs.

If you're not happy, you have a choice to make - either work on the relationship together to improve it or leave. Do you want a closer relationship with him or do you not love him any more?

The fact that you are crying about leaving him tells me you care for him a lot. Are you sure you can’t salvage this marriage? Maybe try counselling?

If you are married with children, then think hard. If you were single with no kids, I might say to leave. But in this circumstance, I wouldn’t. I know several people who left a nice man and really regretted it. They never found anyone else and their lives were much harder. You need to talk to your DH and both make changes.

just catching up with replies I posted and then went into work.

I do love him but I don’t feel the same way as I did. I went through this a couple of years ago but kids were young and i didn’t want to disrupt them but it keeps coming up. I feel like it’s a massive risk but then whats the alternative stay and carry on as we are. I feel be deserves someone to love him better than I can.
I’ll update later I’m just going back in work but really appreciate the replies

Perhaps you could have some counselling on your own, or as a couple?

Having experienced relationship breakdown with children, having to move house & all the upheaval- - I would say that’s a last resort where there’s nowhere left to go.

You've effectively already left the nice guy.

What you have now isn't a relationship, it's just two people living together raising kids.

The relationship is over, you just haven't accepted it yet.

I would never leave a marriage to a good man without trying absolutely everything to salvage it.

You need to have some very serious conversations about what you both want to change, what actions you can take to make it happen, and then support each other to do it. If he is genuinely a good man he will be all in for this.

You also need a weekly date night, to help you regain the romance/love/lust. It can work, in tandem with tackling the problems in the relationship. Dates can be a board game, or a bottle of wine planning imaginary dream holidays, or whatever. You don't have to go out every week.

If those two don't mend things, next step is counselling. Do not abandon the marriage without trying everything.

Worrying about if you'll later regret leaving will be less of an issue if you first try to revive the dying plant your marriage has become.

I'd have a discussion with your husband, being honest about how you feel, without blame and without using negative words like, "You always...You never"

I'd say something like, "The kids are getting older and before we know it, we'll have an empty nest. I want to start now for you and I to get that spark back, so we can enjoy our time together to the fullest. I have some ideas, and I'd like to hear yours."

Even if you don't go straight away into intimacy, you could regularly start some physical touch by giving each other foot rubs or back massages. Buy some new oils that smell good. It's good to have separate hobbies, but since you don't have a shared hobby, discuss what each of you might find to be fun. Could be buying new bicycles and finding trails to try each week or month. Could be tango lessons, watercolor classes. Maybe challenge each other to take turns planning a unique dating experience each month that is different than dinner or a movie. You could also go to a couples store together to buy things that will spice up your bedroom activities.

You can then see if he cares enough to put in equal effort. If he doesn't, or if you feel like all that effort hasn't changed enough for you to want to end the marriage, you will feel more confident that you won't regret your decision. Good luck and let us know how it goes, if you wish.

Thank you for all of the good advice. I’m
going to have to talk to him tonight. To be honest it
already feels like it’s over. It’s a hard to
explain feeling I’m sad but would be happy if he agreed. I don’t know. I’ve been crying on and off all day. Will update soon

So I’ve tried to talk to him And he thinks im
depressed.

I would try individual and then couples therapy first. To be honest I would then probably wait until the teen-agers have moved out.

I left the nice guy, ran around for 2 years and then got back with him and married him. I wish I'd never had those 2 years in the middle - still feel shit about it tbh

Sorry that you are feeling so distressed about this op.

I think it depends on why you don't have any physical intimacy. That is a big deal for me and I wouldn't be happy to stay in a sexless marriage. If he is happy with it and you are not, that could be a deal breaker.

Is this a possibility? If so, it doesn't matter what the reason is (if any). Go and see your GP asap and don't make any life decisions until the depression is being treated.

But if you are absolutely sure you are completely mentally/emotionally well, is he using the suggestion of depression to avoid talking about your relationship? Or did he discuss the relationship AND suggest you are depressed?

You're probably depressed because you have a housemate, not a husband. What is he going to do about that? If nothing then yes, leave. He's not actually "nice" if he is making you unhappy and blaming you for it, he's manipulative and selfish.

You deserve good sex

Leave - if youre in separate bedrooms, he knows its coming anyway

Be honest with him but be firm. Say you want to stay friends but life is for living!

Best of luck ❤️

I left a seven year relationship and never regretted it. We weren’t married and we didn’t have kids though so that makes a big difference.

If sounds salvageable to me if he is genuinely nice. I’d keep trying.

Maybe YOU deserve to be loved more OP rather than telling yourself it's about what he deserves.

And ..."nice Guy"? Not if he's not working at the relationship, no, he's not a "nice guy"..he's selfish and doing what works for him. Tahts fine but of it doesn't work for you both, there's a problem and you both need ro be resolving it.

Talk to him.

Seconded to everyone who has recommended staying and working on it.

If you can, then please try, OP.

The grass is greener where you water it.

I will echo others saying that the grass isn't always greener. If he's genuinely a lovely guy and the main issue is the lack of intimacy, it seems a bit of a nuclear option to end the marriage.

I know someone who went through similar. With her husband a long time, had kids etc. A really nice man, but she felt bored/like they were two good mates that lived together rather than life partners. So she left him. She's now single, still isn't having sex (lack of intimacy was one of the main factors for her divorce too), but has now also lost the companionship of her husband, which she didn't realise she'd miss until it was gone. She bitterly regrets it. Her ex has now remarried.

I'm not saying the same will be true for you and of course if you are genuinely unhappy you are well within your rights to end it. But I would advise caution. Perhaps try counselling first? Is there any chance that you are depressed?

What did you say to him when you tried to have a chat? Did he say anything else? I assume you don’t think you’re depressed?