Partner says he hates fatherhood and I think this is the end

[FlutterByeBye1]

Partner and I have been together almost 10 years, we have 2 DC together, 4 & 10 months. They are a lot of work, as all small children are. DP is constantly saying he hates being a dad, even in front of DC, constantly moody and stroppy, snapping at our 4yo. Today was the last straw. This week our youngest has been in hospital for 5 days, I stayed with the baby, eldest stopped with grandparents, all came home in time for Easter Sunday, today DP told me everything was fine until we all came home. I know this is now the end of our relationship, I feel like I am constantly treading on eggshells and I don’t want that for our DC. Not sure why I’m posting, maybe for solidarity and practical steps moving forward. Feeling like this is really the end.

You’re correct, this is the end.

In a time of need, it was you at the hospital with the baby and grandparents stepping in for the older one. He wasn’t there.

Upon return, this selfish man was annoyed that his peace was disturbed. Not that his baby was back from hospital and feeling better.

What a horrific man! send him packing today!

First post nails it. What they said, with bells on.

This really does need to be the end OP, I’m really sorry you’re in this position. We have 2 very young children and although it is chaos at times (probably most of the time😂) I can’t imagine how much harder it would be if my husband was constantly complaining about being a dad and speaking that way infront of our children.

You're already doing it all on your own, so the future won't be quite so daunting. Don't be afraid of what is to come. Your priority right now is to preserve your strength and centre yourself as best you can.

Perhaps it's time to stop thinking about your H. There's no need to confront him or take any steps at all. He might be the kind of man who is waiting for you to pull the trigger so that he can blame you for ending the marriage.

Instead, start thinking about what your future could look like. Make plans. Work out what your financial situation will be. Take legal advice. Think about where you will live, where will the kids go to school, how that would work for you and what you would want that to look like. Make notes. Talk to people. Confide in a friend. Chat to us here.

Try to carve out little slots of time for yourself (I know that's bloody easier said than done with 2 little ones - been there, done that!). Treat yourself. Value yourself. Know that you deserve better and that your kids do too.

If your H happens to mention not being happy or whatever just tell him he knows where the door is. Leave the leaving up to him while you build up your strength and make your plans.

Small steps. There's a brighter future out there.

Well, he may hate it but it's too late and he can't stop being a parent now. I'd be furious and tell him you can't put them back and he needs to grow up.

And if you haven't already done so, stop doing anything for him. All so-called wife-work ends. Any woman who describes herself as "walking on eggshells" is most definitely in an abusive relationship. Nobody should be made to feel like that.

Thank you all for validating how I’ve felt. I know it’s not right. @Sicario you are spot on, I tried to leave once before, he told me to go ahead if I wanted to break up out family, I realise now that’s a far better option than seeing them grow up with a father who openly resents them.
It was a mistake not getting married before children as he earns far more than me but I have a respectable wage, enough for a little home for the three of us. I just feel numb and surprised it’s come to this, he was always my rock until the last few years.

He just told you he was happier with his baby in hospital. Yes, it’s the end.

Apologies - I didn't twig that you're not married. It actually makes things much less complicated.

What's your current housing situation?

This is really shocking

And your eldest went to stay with grandparents instead of staying with dad? This might be a stupid question, but why was that arranged?

Sorry, it's over. 💐

I’m sorry, I know this will be painful for you.
Yes, it’s the end.
You and your two children will live a much happier life without him.
I’d be prepared for him to request little contact or even none with his children based on his reaction to his baby coming out of hospital.
It is a positive that you’re unmarried, the separation will be quicker and cheaper.
Any home will be a better home for you and your children, I wish you all the luck x

Exactly @FruAashild, he made his children and they’re here to stay. What an immature dick.

Find your anger @FlutterByeBye1 , you deserve far better than this.

Yes, it’s over. Dont be surprised if he wants no contact at all. I’d be prepared to be a lone parent. Well at least you have grandparents to help out

“Can’t force a parent to parent” as I hear constantly

"Finding your anger" as a previous poster said, is not helpful. Staying calm is the way to go. The anger will just be like swallowing poison and expecting your partner to suffer.

Practice emotional detachment. Find your inner peace. Focus all your energy on the new life you will be making for yourself and your children.

Oh so he had a nice few days relaxing by himself while grandparents took 4yo and you had baby.
Leave him to it

@Sicario I didn’t mean go ballistic, I meant that @FlutterByeBye1 should be incensed at being treated this way (she and her children) and no longer tolerate it.

She doesn’t need to scream and shout, detaching emotionally as you suggest is the best way forward.

Internally, I’d be so angry if my husband treated our children like this though, I’d know it wasn’t right.

To answer a few questions:
The house is owned solely by DP, he bought before we met and I moved in, although I have a considerable savings pot now which we intended to use for a deposit toward our “forever home”.
Eldest stayed with GP so P could theoretically be with us in hospital as much as possible as the baby was really quite poorly, I doubt his parents knew he wasn’t actually there with us.
I think I would actually prefer him to go NC with our DC, I wouldn’t have to worry about what toll he would be taking on their wellbeing then.
I think first steps, find us a new home, likely nearer to my parents so new school application for my eldest , new nursery place for my youngest. Lay the groundwork before starting fresh.

Sorry OP, this sounds an incredibly hard week. He didn't step up when you needed him. Sadly, he has shown you who he is and it is lacking.

Make your move on your own terms and build a life for your family of three. He does not deserve you or the children

Thank you, you’re quite right, he really doesn’t deserve them at all

That sounds like a good plan. How's the baby? You must be absolutely knackered.

I cannot imagine my husband effectively saying that he would be happier if his child was still in hospital. OP this is so far off acceptable for a father - it’s not normal. You’re doing the right thing taking steps to leave.

Fuck him, you will be so much happier alone. I'm so sorry that something so awful like the hospital stay has shown him to be so horrid. You'll be shattered I bet, sending lots of love

Can’t believe what I am reading. Your baby was quite ill in hospital, your eldest was with grandparents so your “D”P could visit hospital whenever but he didn’t actually visit / stay / give you any respite? And he actually preferred this setup?

Speechless.

I’m so sorry. You’re right it is over. I became a single parent when my kids were 5 and 2. It is hard work but I’d much rather that than be with their dad. You’ve got this 🩷 it’s going to be ok.

I am going through similar, same age kids too. DH now spends a lot of time at work, he supports us financially, we have everything we could want but he would rather be at work than spend family time with us. I’ve chosen to stay for now, I have made a life with me and the kids, we do our thing and he gets involved sometimes. If the kids were ill in hospital though, he would be there. I think your OH is being truly selfish.