Living in hell , having to downsize, advice needed pls

[Suncity]

Anyone have to downsize from
A house with a garden to a flat ?

Me and ex are separating not married but we joint own house, I can only afford a flat with my half, the 2 boys will live with him (teens and early 20)

Relationship is toxic from both sides and he’s turned nasty to the point where I had enough, I hate him and see him as a controlling manipulator and sex pest, he would give me “chances” in exchange for sex and then we row a few days later and he take back the “chance” when I told him how wrong that was , his reply was “at least I was willing to give you a chance”
He brings up my alcoholism I went through, accuse me of affairs, slut shames my outfit when I go out with mates, told me that I “look like mutton” in a corset top I wore with jeans, amongst other stuff.

We have to live together till youngest is 16, tho I want to wait till son is 18, due to my son needs, (he has sen) finances etc, currently looking for a full time job, but he said he force the sale when son is 16.

My question is how do I cope in a flat? My mum said I should try to make it work as “I end up in a crap flat, poor, lonely and only have my cat” but it’s gone past the point of me liking him and I think he’s a horrible person after all the things he said and did to me. He thinks he is perfect and all me and refuses to believe he has also been abusive

How do I cope downsizing and living with him in these situations? As that is also hell.

I agree to an extend, , but this is why I’m thinking why didn’t I take his last numerous “olive branch” cos when I have It goes back the same toxic way, and he only gave me an “olive branch” when I stopped him giving me “chances for sex exchange” which he would use against me, then take back his chance if we rowed again, he would be flirty and touchy to me tho he had ended the relationship, that’s why I didn’t accept his last olive branch, but it’s at the cost of my home and having my kids not full time, I didn’t realise him saying “if you give me sex I give you another chance” was sexual abuse /control

You will be fine. A nice peaceful flat, the freedom to come and go as you please. How essential is a garden when you don't have young DC who need the space to play? You can get out and about whenever you want if you want time outside, if being outdoors is important look for somewhere close to a nice park/nature reserve/beach. A flat is plenty of space for a single person and will be easier to clean and cheaper to heat. No one should be living in a situation so toxic, you and your DC will be much better off when you separate.

You need to join AA, get some counselling, look for a full time job and your and kids sake move out ASAP because continuing this toxic relationship and your drinking in front of them isn’t good for anyone.

Forget the tit for tat, who has done what etc and just move on from this situation. You don’t like each other, relationships shouldn’t be transactional like this. Get the flat. Stop using ‘a gritty flat’ as an excuse to stay stuck. A flat could be lovely and your boys might enjoy spending time with you more once you’re out of the current house.

I don't think it's fair to say she is blaming it on her partner, she's openly said they're both toxic.
The threesome was her partners fantasy and there's nothing wrong with wearing a corset at any age. You're comment paints you as a misogynist! This isn't all the woman's fault at all, they are both at fault so to say she messed it all by herself is wrong.

People find it shocking when kids /teens / young adults want to live with their dad? My beautician was shocked as well and it did hurt re my kids choice, but it’s always been him and the boys having same interests and hanging out and having boy time, me and my youngest are more close and will watch films n shows together and we are affectionate, but he wants to be in the bigger house, which Ex can get, I can’t and to be with older bro, who currently is at uni

Thank you xx he’s always slut shamed my outfits and made me feel insecure before socialising with friends and accused me on one night stands ( I have uber prove I came straight home) and said I go out to flirt with men, I don’t

Work on getting that full time job and start looking for a flat to rent, you may be able to get help financially if you are low enough income too. Once you are on your own you can work on getting yourself into a better place emotionally and mental health wise, then once your house is sold you may find your dc do want to live with you

My ex has said to me “you end up in a crap one bed flat, your 43 with baggage no man will want you, like some of your single mates/ sister, and how I wouldn’t cope in a tiny flat” when I tell my mum this she says cos “he cares and trying to scare me to behave myself “

Focus on being happy as a single woman. You don't have to be in a relationship.

When my marriage ended I moved from a 4 bedroom 3 story Edwardian house with a garden, into a 2 bedroom Victorian flat with a tiny back yard. I had 2 very young children with me. I was much happier in my flat because I wasn’t living with my ex. The house was just a house, I made the flat into a home and was happy living there until the children got older and I had to move to get 3 bedrooms.

cut both him and your mum off. Neither of them are good for you!!
draw up your boundaries and put yourself first xox

Your DC may want to move in with your P (not calling him a DP, as he's a shit excuse of a man) in theory, but when it comes down to it the reality of living with an abusive dad may be a whole different ball game.

They seem to get on with him, the op says this

but it’s always been him and the boys having same interests and hanging out and having boy time,

Here is your to-do list:

End the relationship with DP, while you wait to move out. Tell him it is over for good. That means no sex, and no joint finances. Close any joint accounts. Pay your share of the bills as they come in. You can be a separated couple sharing a building like roommates. Don't have sex with him ever again.

Go to Alcoholics Anonymous, then seriously think about giving up alcohol for good. You may think you only now drink 'socially', but it is a slippery slope.

Get yourself a full time job ASAP.

Cut off your toxic mother - go No Contact or Very Low Contact, use the 'grey rock' technique to tell her absolutely nothing about your life.

Will DP buy you out or will the house be sold? Whichever, aim to do it as soon as the youngest finishes year 11 at school.

When it comes to looking for a new place, be very wary of expensive service charges on flats. If you can afford a tiny terraced house that is freehold, go for that instead. Consider moving to a cheaper area, then commuting while you look for a job in the new area. Hopefully this means you will be further away from your mother.

Concentrate on being a single woman - avoid getting into another relationship for at least 5 years.

Keep browsing this site, there is so much good advice here, about toxic parents and toxic partners.

I think you have bigger problems than the 'threat' of living in a flat. Time to ask for help with the drinking and perhaps some counselling? You're in an abusive relationship and seem to have been brought up by a similarly nasty person. A break from all this would really benefit you too? Can you rent somewhere first for some breathing space?

You don't have to live in a tiny flat, some flats and maisonettes are quite spacious, you can also have your own garden or share, you might not get the best area but a lot of people can't. You're making it sound a very negative experience when you're putting up with a toxic environment , it's a new chapter in your life, knock the drinking on the head, make your new place comfortable and welcoming for yourself and your DC, positive thoughts with a clear head, it really isn't as bad as you seem to think,

You'll adjust. Better to adjust to living in a flat than a shitty, toxic relationship becoming normal.

It will be hard, either way. As the meme goes, choose your hard.

Honestly, living in a flat is not a punishment! I wanted to buy my own place and could only afford a flat, but I am thrilled with the one I found - it's two bedrooms, in a really nice area, in a nice building, with nice neighbours - I feel very lucky and better off than lots of people!

Having your own space, where you can come and go as you please, wear what you want, etc etc, will be infinitely better than sharing with this bastard.

As for your kids, you may well find your relationship with them improves when you are not all living together in these toxic circumstances.....

I would try to focus on the positives, if I were you - I know it's difficult when you are unhappy, but rather than drowning in negativity, you will feel better if you start to think of this change as a positive one and a chance to escape the horrible circumstances you have been existing in.

Good luck!

Oh, and your mother sounds horrendous - stop listening to her!

What a load of sexist nonsense.

Nightclubs are a popular form of adult entertainment - she is an adult - and what do you want her to wear when she goes out for the night, twinset and pearls? Or perhaps it's wrong for a woman to go out after dark at all?

I strongly imagine she did not have the threesome in front of her children - not should couples in monogamous marriages have sex in front of their children either - unless you believe that sex should cease as soon as you have a child, this comment makes zero sense.

You are right that her drinking was a mistake, and she sounds aware of that in her posts - she wouldn't be the first woman in an abusive relationship to turn to alcohol to numb the pain, and though it's never sensible, it's a mistake, it doesn't mean she deserves abuse.

Posts like this, on a website designed to support women and predominantly posted on by women really trouble me. Some deep seated mysoginistic attitudes still alive and kicking here - the idea that if a woman enjoys and seeks sex, she is some kind of devil and deserves abuse....

Perhaps we should bring back stoning, or the ducking stool.....

Stop talking to your Mum about the situation. I suspect she could motivated by being worried about your drinking but whatever her reasons it isn’t helping you.

A flat just for you sounds perfect. There are plenty of women who dream of this. I miss the flat which was just for me and my cat. I could close the door and no one would bother me, go out and come home to no more mess and more importantly for you being away from a toxic relationship.

Perfect advice.

Your emotional and mental freedom will more than compensate for a lack of space. I downsized from 4 bed, 2 bath, massive garden, garage to a v small terraced house no garage and more manageable garden. Less housework, much cheaper bills snd no ex-h!! It’s lively, calm and my DC gave settled in. There’s really not point in putting up eith shit for the sake of a bigger house. Good luck 🤞

I feel so sorry for your 2 DC. You both sound like dreadful parents and poor role models. There is nothing wrong with living in a flat. You can make it lovely if you choose too. Ground floor flats sometimes do have a garden. Better to be on your own than being miserable together.