Living in hell , having to downsize, advice needed pls

[Suncity]

Anyone have to downsize from
A house with a garden to a flat ?

Me and ex are separating not married but we joint own house, I can only afford a flat with my half, the 2 boys will live with him (teens and early 20)

Relationship is toxic from both sides and he’s turned nasty to the point where I had enough, I hate him and see him as a controlling manipulator and sex pest, he would give me “chances” in exchange for sex and then we row a few days later and he take back the “chance” when I told him how wrong that was , his reply was “at least I was willing to give you a chance”
He brings up my alcoholism I went through, accuse me of affairs, slut shames my outfit when I go out with mates, told me that I “look like mutton” in a corset top I wore with jeans, amongst other stuff.

We have to live together till youngest is 16, tho I want to wait till son is 18, due to my son needs, (he has sen) finances etc, currently looking for a full time job, but he said he force the sale when son is 16.

My question is how do I cope in a flat? My mum said I should try to make it work as “I end up in a crap flat, poor, lonely and only have my cat” but it’s gone past the point of me liking him and I think he’s a horrible person after all the things he said and did to me. He thinks he is perfect and all me and refuses to believe he has also been abusive

How do I cope downsizing and living with him in these situations? As that is also hell.

You've just said you still drink?

dhe clearly means she stopped drinking all day every day and just drinks socially rather than went tee total.

So maybe it’s not the flat itself that scares you but the social shame you feel around the whole situation? That is indeed really hard, especially with your mum apparently taking his side. It’s good that you’re taking responsibility for your part in things but holding a lot of shame about it won’t help you to move forward. Acknowledge mistakes, try to do better (sounds like you are already trying with the drinking — well done). Admitting when the relationship is done / unrecoverable is also healthy. You certainly don’t need to feel shame for having less income than him or for living in a modest home. Feel proud for dealing with hard things and taking responsibility for yourself.

As for a man not wanting you, there’s plenty of women here who can arrest to the joys of living without giving a single fuck what any man thinks about anything. Would you be able to lean more on your friends or sister, what are those relationships like?

I did have to move out of a lovely big house to a rather crappy flat due to relationship breakdown. At times the lack of garden was sad, though I was lucky to live near some nice places to walk, and not being able to improve eg the kitchen or the paintwork (flat was a rental) bothered me. But overall I was happier there. I could be more myself. And it felt good to build a whole life that was just mine.

Thanks for the helpful and supportive advice, the flat worry is because I know ppl who lived in flats, and missed a garden and I do worry I miss a garden, as I do enjoy my current garden, also re the drinking yes I drink socially now but I was drinking every day through out the day and yes it was wrong and totally unfair on my children, I agree, I am stopping the drinking as a coping mechanism but that is something my ex brings up in rows, and when he is calm, he won’t let me move pass it, do I really want another 20 yrs of this ???

the 3sum was wrong and I am ashamed, caused issues in my relationship and my friendship, but my boys were at sleepovers and wasn’t witnessed to it

the posters who mentioned nothing wrong with my outfits, thank you - the poster who negatively commented on it did sting me a bit as its confirming what my ex says that “I look like mutton” and he said this both in arguments and non arguments, he’s always putting me down about my outfits when I go out, I don’t go out dressed like an escort but nor do I dress fully covered up /granny style

I can see a few parallels here with the relationship I had with my exH. You haven't behaved perfectly and now he's using that against you and being abusive. You don't feel you can defend yourself because you have behaved badly and as is typical of women, you are focusing on your own behaviour and not seeing how abusive your H is. Your mum is reinforcing the belief that you're the 'bad' one and your H is sensible. Do you mean your H is giving you a chance if you sleep with him? Because that's coercion. Your H wants you to suffer as much as possible. I'm not sure why you're so ashamed of the threesome when it was your H who used it as an excuse to sleep with someone else.

You'll be fine in a flat and the sooner you get away the better. I lived in a one bed flat with my teenage DS for 4 years and I liked it. However, you now need to calm down and stop being drawn into arguments. Make yourself the sensible one and stop giving your H and your mum ammunition. Perhaps take a step back from the relationship with your mum because she should be on your side and it doesn't sound like she is.

I'm sixteen years on from where you are and I'm not sure whether my exH still tells everyone who'll listen how unstable I am. I know he still views me with contempt but guess what? I've got both DS's living with me and they don't bother with him at all.

I'm sorry your mum is not very supportive. I'd ignore her if I were you and concentrate on improving your living circumstances. There can't be many things more soul-destroying than living with someone who hates you.

My 19 yr old son came home from
uni and is behaving like this dad, when I told his dad to have a word with my sons disrespectful
Comments , his dad then said “I told you this will happen when she gets home “ encouraging sons disrespectful behaviour, my son called me a bitch and stupid told me he hates me and is going back to uni cos or me, all cos I asked him to clean up his mess in the front room.

The damage is done, should I just stay anyway as my oldest is behaving like his dad so what’s the point to leave 20 yrs later ? I still then have my home

this us a classic script. Treat it as just that and ignore it.

it sounds like you’ve fallen in to a situation with a deeply unpleasant misogynist of a man and have allowed yourself to be dragged along thinking it was all ok and you were carving out fun where you could. I’ve been there (with me it was drugs rather than drink). For me i landed there as a response to my unbounderied upbringing so I was primed to regard a lot of things as normal and had no idea how fucked up it all was.

well done for reducing the alcohol - you clearly have some self respect buried below all the messages you’ve been primed to accept as normal.

best advice I can give you is ignore your mum and the kids father - neither of them are helping you. If you have a stake in this house, start divorce proceedings now and get that flat. You’ll be in a better position than most women leaving a shitty ex. Focus on you, your self development (Freedom Programme), a full time job, doesn’t matter what the job is. Learn to be you. I suspect your kids may well change their minds about how great it is at dads once they see you getting your shit together and living your life. Then again they may not but you don’t have control over that. You do have control over who you want to be. I would also say that to anyone judging you for the chaos etc clearly has no idea how pervasive this shit can be. Take it from me, you can recover, improve and elevate yourself away from this prick.

good luck.