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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

(TW SA) 2nd thread (support)…

976 replies

ByPinkPoet0 · 02/04/2026 11:13

First thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5497497-trigger-husband-sa-why-cant-i-tell-him-and-why-do-i-feel-guilty

Huge thank you to everyone who has supported me in this so far. If you’ve got this far I really appreciate it. I read all the advice even if it seems like I don’t take it on board straight away. It’s been a difficult time of realisation for me.

I am making another thread so I can continue to post.

This is such a helpful outlet for me I’m so grateful ❤️

OP posts:
Thread gallery
12
SaltyCara · 10/04/2026 22:58

PinkPoetAgain · 10/04/2026 22:40

I was wondering, and this is not me trying to ‘understand him’ but it popped into my head.

If I hadn’t told you guys about the first r**e that happened a few years ago, and you didn’t have that context, would you still think what happened last night was assault?

Im just thinking , one of the reasons it upsets me so much is because we’ve talked so much lately about him violating my boundaries the first time. However, we have had consensual sex since then, so maybe (in his head) he thinks that part is all forgiven now? And I am not still thinking about it?

So maybe what happened last night he wasn’t even considering I was still feeling vulnerable and he should be ‘extra’ careful to get full consent.

I am so very proud of you for messaging your friend. Well done for speaking the truth "out loud" and taking an important step to protect yourself and your children.

Let's say for argument's sake that we did not know about the rape that took place when you were heavily pregnant. If you described only what happened yesterday - that you had, more than once, prior to bedtime, been very clear with your husband that you did not want to have sex, that he had then attempted to initiate sexual contact once in bed and you had again said no, that you had then woken to the weight of a fully grown adult man on you as you lay face down in bed while he masturbated over you and that he had then asked if he could fuck you - those things by themselves are plenty for last night to be another assault. You told him no several times. He only asked you when he was already engaged in a sexual act that had started while you were sleeping, and only when he was physically restraining you with his body weight.

I also wanted to warn you that I think it is unlikely he will not assault you tonight. He is creating a narrative in his own head that you are initiating the sexual contact which is clearly bollocks but I suspect him telling you that's he's not up for it tonight is another mind game and you may very well find that he rapes you again before tomorrow. I'm sorry if I sound very dispassionate about it, this is like how it was with my colleague and I am trying to remain very factual and warn you, I don't want you to have a false sense of security.

If he starts/threatens to physically harm you to the point you are frightened for your life then I would tell him that you have disclosed to your friend already and that he needs to stop right now as no one will believe that he didn't mean to hurt you. For my colleague, the rapes increased in frequency and severity physically until one night he restrained her by the neck (the single biggest predictor that a man will go on to kill you). She left the next day.

TwistedWonder · 10/04/2026 22:58

Honestly what happened last night is every bit as serious as when he raped you pregnant. You had categorically told him no before you went to bed. He knew you had said no to sex several times and still he pushed himself on you and coerced you into agreeing to be raped.

He is a truly dangerous sexual abuser who should be on the sex offenders register for life.

SharpSheep · 10/04/2026 23:00

I looked back over what you wrote yesterday. Just to double check.

Yesterday you actually told him 3 times that you didn't want to have sex or do anything sexual for one to two weeks. Once earlier in day, once at bedtime and once when he was trying to get you to join in with his masturbation.

He didn't hear you those 3 times ?

God help you, he is not a good man.

ScrollingLeaves · 10/04/2026 23:01

PinkPoetAgain · 10/04/2026 22:11

Luckily tonight will be ok. He’s already said he needs a full nights sleep tonight (as if it’s my fault) as he’s tired and I mustn’t be waking him up in the night tonight! Jesus Christ .

I just don’t have the energy to argue back when he’s like this

he’s tired and I mustn’t be waking him up in the night tonight

Gaslight.

PinotPony · 10/04/2026 23:05

PinkPoetAgain · 10/04/2026 22:40

I was wondering, and this is not me trying to ‘understand him’ but it popped into my head.

If I hadn’t told you guys about the first r**e that happened a few years ago, and you didn’t have that context, would you still think what happened last night was assault?

Im just thinking , one of the reasons it upsets me so much is because we’ve talked so much lately about him violating my boundaries the first time. However, we have had consensual sex since then, so maybe (in his head) he thinks that part is all forgiven now? And I am not still thinking about it?

So maybe what happened last night he wasn’t even considering I was still feeling vulnerable and he should be ‘extra’ careful to get full consent.

Had you just posted about last night, I’d still think your husband raped you.

Whether or not he thought you were ‘vulnerable’ or thought that he needed to take extra care to check your consent is neither here nor there. His perception of what happened 3 years ago and whether you’re ’over it’ by now isn’t the issue. Last night, you said you didn’t want to have sex with him and he ignored you. He raped you Poet.

TwistedWonder · 10/04/2026 23:06

PinkPoetAgain · 10/04/2026 22:11

Luckily tonight will be ok. He’s already said he needs a full nights sleep tonight (as if it’s my fault) as he’s tired and I mustn’t be waking him up in the night tonight! Jesus Christ .

I just don’t have the energy to argue back when he’s like this

Please be careful as he may be lulling you into a false sense of security thinking you’re safe from his assault and he’s planning to take you by surprised when you’re relaxed and asleep

He is so manipulative it’s hard not to imagine he’s planning something

NotAWurstToIt · 10/04/2026 23:09

PinkPoet to join the other voices here - even if you hadn’t mentioned the previous SAs, last night was a SA. Even if you had fully and willingly consented to sex, which you hadn’t, you are allowed at any point to change your mind before or during sex and say you want to stop, If he doesn’t stop that is SA. You did not ‘give him the wrong idea’ or ‘lead him on’ - this is not down to you or your actions - it is entirely about him, his behaviour and choice to rape you knowingly. He is an abuser and he knows it, but is trying to gaslight you into believing it’s somehow your fault and he can’t control himself. He absolutely can - he chooses not to,
I echo all the other posters who’ve said how brave you are to email your friend - you are brave and you are taking your first steps to a better life.
edited for typo

DoesthislookgoodOnMe · 10/04/2026 23:10

You didn’t do anything wrong, he was trying to get you to wank him off before bed. It’s nothing you’ve done. He’s a rapist and a sociopath and he did it to trample over any boundaries and the gaslit you in bed. His turn on is abusing you, this is why you need to get away from him

ScrollingLeaves · 10/04/2026 23:13

PinkPoetAgain · 10/04/2026 22:40

I was wondering, and this is not me trying to ‘understand him’ but it popped into my head.

If I hadn’t told you guys about the first r**e that happened a few years ago, and you didn’t have that context, would you still think what happened last night was assault?

Im just thinking , one of the reasons it upsets me so much is because we’ve talked so much lately about him violating my boundaries the first time. However, we have had consensual sex since then, so maybe (in his head) he thinks that part is all forgiven now? And I am not still thinking about it?

So maybe what happened last night he wasn’t even considering I was still feeling vulnerable and he should be ‘extra’ careful to get full consent.

Being on top of your back with his full male weight pinning you down, trying to have sex with you, when you were asleep, or going to sleep, after you had said no sex, then getting you to nod your head to agree - is not enthusiastic consent, and in the circumstances - constant night rape wakings while you were asleep, raping you when you were pregnant, rages and rage driving to instill obedience and fear - is sex through coercion: rape.

ScrollingLeaves · 10/04/2026 23:15

However, we have had consensual sex since then

There has to be consent every time.

PinkPoetAgain · 10/04/2026 23:17

Thank you
It is helpful for me to hear it back from other people
It’s amazing how I can feel like I’ve got it wrong so quickly
I definitely have a tendency to try to see the best in him which is a problem, I see that now

Rubes24 · 10/04/2026 23:26

Hi OP, I really am so so sorry to see your updates. Your post about the incident last night is devastating and I am so angry for you. I know its really scary but I think this is a clear indication that he is escalating and he did this specifically to put you in your place and remind you that he is in control. He wants to show you that your boundaries mean nothing to him and that he will take what he wants by force- basically reminding you that of you deny him sex he will rape you. He also knows that you cant shout or scream etc as you want to protect your kids from hearing. I think other posters are right re the comments in front of your friends. It sounds like he is trying to torment you to be honest.
To answer your most recent post- if your first ever post was about last night, I would be horrified and I would tell you that what he did was rape. Regardless of any other history or context. You told him so many times you didnt want sex so he waited until you were asleep then over powered you. The fact you nodded to protect yourself from any further trauma will in no way have led him to believe you were enthusiastically consenting and enjoying the experience. He likes it when you dont consent. Well done for messaging your friend, that was so brave of you. I agree with others that trying to get to the GP would be a really good next step. Try not to let him know anything is wrong for now so he doesn't suspect you have told anyone xxx

shoppingred54 · 10/04/2026 23:27

Poet do not doubt yourself. Everything you think is reliable and true. When I read your description of what happened I felt sick to my stomach. If I knew you I’d drive straight there and get you all out of there. The fact he’s boasting and joking about it in front of people just shocks me. But even that is typical of an abuser. He will have done this to other women.

I know you think everybody thinks he’s a great guy. I bet this doesn’t turn out to be the case. Men like this give off vibes. The people in your company today will have sensed it. Your work colleagues already sense it. I expect at least one of your siblings won’t be shocked. Your friend already knew he wasn’t a good man and her gut feeling has proven to be correct.

You are doing great. You’ve come so far. I remember your first thread from a few weeks ago. You deserve better.

HyggeTygge · 10/04/2026 23:50

You don't like this. You don't want this. That, in itself, is enough to leave. Plenty of people leave marriages every day because of those simple reasons

I agree. I think the second time he deliberately drove me and the kids dangerously would have finished it - regardless of the vile stuff he's been doing and joking about. His need to put you all in your places and show you how much he can hurt you really seeps through your posts.

bigboykitty · 11/04/2026 00:18

Your self doubt isn't because there's something wrong with you PinkPoet. He's groomed you for years and until recently, you've trusted his narrative much more than your own. More recently you're on a kind of a seesaw - it's him/no it must be me, tipping backwardsandforwards. It's normal when in an abusive relationship. In time when you're safe, you will see him clearly and trust your own thoughts and feelings.

There is no doubt that he raped and sexually assaulted you last night. No need to know any of the history to be clear about that. I'm so glad that you emailed your friend.

PinkPoetAgain · 11/04/2026 07:17

Thanks everyone for reminding me that it’s absolutely not ok what happened. I am guilty of thinking , maybe he thought this or that, but that’s just him talking.

Last night was ok and no issues apart from I woke up in the middle of the night literally dripping in sweat and feeling like I’d had a nightmare, but I don’t remember what it was. Not experienced that before. After that one of the kids was up.

PinkPoetAgain · 11/04/2026 08:29

My friend replied she wants to talk to me
today … I don’t know where to begin with this

DoesthislookgoodOnMe · 11/04/2026 08:37

PinkPoetAgain · 11/04/2026 08:29

My friend replied she wants to talk to me
today … I don’t know where to begin with this

This is a good sign. I know I sound like a broken record but you can use the paragraph that a lovely poster has provided you with. It will help as it’s clear, accurate and it’s not taking blame away from him. I hope it goes well. There is no excuse in the world for his behaviour apart from that he is an abuser, a rapist and a predator.

YourOliveBalonz · 11/04/2026 08:40

PinkPoetAgain · 11/04/2026 08:29

My friend replied she wants to talk to me
today … I don’t know where to begin with this

If you won’t have space/time to have the conversation today then just tell her when you can speak. If you do talk, then just be honest about how you’re feeling, it’s not great and you feel very confused about it all and trapped too. She wants to talk, so she will have questions and have things to say herself. You don’t need to have anything planned here. It will be one chat out of many to come.

What’s great is she will have the outside perspective that we give you here but with knowing everyone involved. It might help you with some of the perceptions you have had that you are trying to challenge now.

NotAWurstToIt · 11/04/2026 08:42

OP it’s great that she’s responded - you’ve already begun, by posting here and telling her. It’s ok if you’re not sure what to do next - keep talking - to Women’s Aid, National Domestic Abuse Helpline, your GP, Police, Samaritans to get a plan to leave. You are being really brave with this.

scoobysnaxx · 11/04/2026 08:44

OP talk to her and tell her everything. Send her the link to this thread and your previous one x

SharpSheep · 11/04/2026 08:47

Your friend will probably just listen for now so it's up to you what you want to say. I would tell her everything.

If my friend disclosed something like this I would be horrified and would be looking for ways to help her. However, I would be respectful of my friend's wishes if she wanted to just sit on it for a bit and figure out her next steps.

She will know the nuances of your real life situation better than any of us online and she may be able to offer you advice that we may not.

I think you did an amazing and brave thing by sharing this with your friend.

PinkPoetAgain · 11/04/2026 09:05

My stomach is in knots about it . it’s feels very real and I worry I will say too much and she will spend lots of energy worrying about me . She works in healthcare so she’s probably come across this before at work

throwawayimplantchat · 11/04/2026 09:18

PinkPoetAgain · 11/04/2026 09:05

My stomach is in knots about it . it’s feels very real and I worry I will say too much and she will spend lots of energy worrying about me . She works in healthcare so she’s probably come across this before at work

That’s brilliant news as she will have had safeguarding training OP, hopefully recently.

I am really proud of you x

PinkNosy · 11/04/2026 09:20

PinkPoetAgain · 11/04/2026 09:05

My stomach is in knots about it . it’s feels very real and I worry I will say too much and she will spend lots of energy worrying about me . She works in healthcare so she’s probably come across this before at work

She sounds like a brilliant person to have told. I don't think you should worry about your friend and withhold information for that reason. Be fully honest about the reality.
Just keep in mind, baby steps. Only think about what needs to happen over the next couple of days at this point. You're doing amazingly.