(TW SA) 2nd thread (support)…

[ByPinkPoet0]

First thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5497497-trigger-husband-sa-why-cant-i-tell-him-and-why-do-i-feel-guilty

Huge thank you to everyone who has supported me in this so far. If you’ve got this far I really appreciate it. I read all the advice even if it seems like I don’t take it on board straight away. It’s been a difficult time of realisation for me.

I am making another thread so I can continue to post.

This is such a helpful outlet for me I’m so grateful ❤️

He is manipulating an audience, in advance, to never believe anything you might say to the contrary one day.

He also likes people to be an audience to see him as grand a performer of sex. He is forcing friends (and children?) into voyeurism.

Thank you for taking the time to write it out like that because that’s a pretty accurate account of what happened. Seeing it written in black and white from someone else helps me to see and understand that I am justified in feeling so violated like I do .

It’s not always been like this. There have been small red flags over the years I’ve ignored but it’s been a slowly getting worse thing

What he's saying quite clearly here is 'now I know you were up for it in the night. I will do it more often'.

Of course he knows that you were not 'up for it' and that you were in fact terrified but he is giving himself permission to rape you more often and he will because that's what turns him on.

And even when he is not even touching you, how can you sleep with the threat of rape looming over you every night? He gets satisfaction from knowing that he can sleep safely and soundly whilst you will become more and more afraid to close your eyes.

Then you will be too shattered to resist whatever he has got planned for you next. He's breaking you. The speed of escalation is horrific.

I'm glad to help in some way. We are all here for you in our small way.

Yes, there were small flags from him but you didn't know that 'this' is where they would lead.

You didn't sign up for this. Nobody would sign up for this.

I’m so sorry OP that you are going through this.

“He’s either a really good actor or he just doesn’t see the issue and he doesn’t care as you say. He is completely normal today, happy, overly affectionate if anything”

I think he’s a good actor and doesn’t care. He’s being affectionate and happy because that’s his cycle - abuse you and then reward you with niceness. He’s an awful human being.

You don’t deserve this and this does not have to be the rest of your life. As others have said, contact the Gp, contact Woman’s Aid, Refuge - use all of these means to help you to leave with your DCs.

I think it is very, very important that you see all of these and tell them what has happened as soon as possible. That would not mean you have to act now if you are absolutely too scared or unready.
What it would mean is that some people who count will have heard your voice.

Is your oldest child at school OP?

Poet you must be able to get 5 mins to yourself today. Please call the DA helpline. Just to offload to someone.
They do have a chat service too so you could go to a toilet and use it.
https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

The online chat service is a bot, but if you type “chat” it says it’s a person.

Private browsing - do you know how to do this? If you click the square icons in the bottom right of a browser window (safari, if you use apple), it will bring up a tab with the option of private and public. Use that if you are on sites you don’t want him to see and ensure you close each window down when you are finished.

I fear he may have checked your phone yesterday.

I think it too risky to call, there is a wait time too and she doesn’t want to get over heard.

@PinkPoetAgain try get yourself to gp on Monday, do have a look in the mirror and see if there are any bruises on you back. Take pictures. Write the notes a pp drafted up thread for you.

As I’ve shared before, my ExH was scaring kids and myself with his temper. He broke a few things but didn’t hit us. I was scared and I called 999. They 100% took it seriously. They removed him from the house. It’s no longer about keeping up appearances so if you need to call 999 please do. Feeling scared for whatever reason is enough to call them. Please prioritise your safety.

Hi PinkPoet,

Just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear what happened to you. We can all feel the pain you are feeling- that someone who claims to love you the most is hurting you this badly. It would be confusing for anyone to get their head around.

Everyone else has given such practical advice and useful next steps, I hope there will be some time for you very soon to take them.

But I wanted to say that it might help to let yourself imagine what your future could be like. Imagine a world where you have a place to live for you and your babies where you can express yourself however you like and never feel scared or on edge. Where you can wear the fleeziest PJs or the sexiest ones and know that nothing will happen to your either way. Where you have total autonomy over your body, you know that nothing will happen to you unless you want it too. Where sexual feelings are not confusing and are about making you feel good, not appeasing someone who will hurt you if you say no. Imagine the calm you will feel (not all of the time obviously as you're a Mother, as I am, but there will be no eggshells to step on!). Where you can just feel how you feel without trying to mediate it to ensure you don't trigger someone else and then feel the repercussions later. Where your bed is somewhere you can relax deepily, feel cosy and safe and not a place where your body is not your own to command because of your abuser.

I know getting there is not going to be easy, it's going to require such strength and such determination. But you have both, you have survived all of this and you can survive what comes next 😘 .

Even if he didn’t know I was scared he must have realised how degrading it was for me and not at all reciprocated.

In a best case scenario he simply does not care how you feel when he's raping you, or touching you when he knows it's unwanted, or trying to get you to touch him when he knows you don't want to. That's the best case scenario, that he doesn't care. I think others have already suggested the worst case scenario.

Him referring to what happened in front of mutual friends serves a number of purposes:

• further rewrites the history of events between the two of you that you "were up for it", with witnesses
• dares you to contradict him, which you and he know you won't do, and so demonstrates to both of you your powerlessness
• he shows off that he's having sex - again, using you as an object
• I hate to say it Poet but I think he probably gets a thrill out of your discomfort as well, seeing you inwardly humiliated in front of friends and not able to say anything because of the level of power and control he exercises over you.

I'm so sorry. Really hoping to see a post from you soon that you have engaged with some of the DA agencies and are getting some real help to get away from him.

I’m so sorry this happened love. No one can tell you what to do, it is up to you, but keep posting if it’s helpful. Don’t worry about saying what people on here want to hear, Just be honest. It is clear this situation won’t get better, in fact it seems that it may continue to escalate. I dread to think what needs to happen for you to take the leap and I really feel for you and hope it isn’t too awful when it happens.
I understand your reaction upthread when people were saying your kids are in danger. I get you don’t think he’s a threat to them in terms of sexual abuse and I’m sure you’re right.

But from my perspective, a parent of 2 kids, I can’t imagine a world in which my children would be living in the same house as a rapist - and, fundamentally, that is the situation. I think that’s why people were saying those things that seem so alarming to you.

I really wish you well and will continue to follow your story on here.

Can you not go out for a walk with the children and his friend's wife (without him)? Say you want to go to Boots, or maybe a GP's surgery where you can say what you need to without him around.

I would consider forwarding this thread to your friend who doesn't live near you. "Claire, I need you to read this thread. I am the original poster. I don't want you to do anything immediately, I just want someone outside of the situation to know what's really going on. I will call you when I can."

His abuse of you is escalating at breakneck speed now and this will be a form of insurance for you - if he physically attacks you you will be able to tell him that she knows everything so he'd better back off.

Do what SaltyCara says. Also, if you can send it to 999, and anyone else you can think of/know who might help. If you can ring 999, when they answer press 5 and they will know you cannot talk but you will be traceable to them.

I am sorry this is happening to you. I hope you can recognise that the escalation in his behaviour is abuse, and he is following the pattern so many of us predicted which really does show he is abusive towards you and his behaviour is a choice. He isn’t a lovely or kind person at all. I hope this realisation makes it easier for you to leave him ASAP.

I have pasted below my safety planning from your previous thread. I know you said last time you didn’t think you’d need it, but his escalating behaviour will only get worse so please do consider taking these steps.

I would advise you tell people in real life. Once you build up the momentum to leave, it will help you to break the cycle. But it will of course feel very difficult. However, you and your children are not safe in this situation and as difficult as it is, you need to leave.

’if you have your own car, stash some money and a spare phone in there in case you need to get away urgently.
can you hide a spare phone somewhere in the house in case of emergencies, in the event he takes yours? Maybe in a bathroom so you can lock yourself in if you need to dial 999.
can you unlock your house doors from inside without a key? If not, hide a key to an external door somewhere so you can always physically escape.
change all your passwords, even if you don’t think he knows them.
always know where your car keys are. Again, if you have your own car maybe hide the spare key so he can’t take it.
re kitchen knives, can you lock large ones away in a garage or shed so they are not easily accessible in the house? Same with any tools or anything else which could be used as a weapon (even heavy objects). Try to be discreet if you do this.
I don’t mean to alarm you, but I really do believe you’re at incredibly high risk. This type of coercive control means he is a high risk perpetrator and more likely to escalate if he realises he is losing control over you. He sees you as a possession and these types of perpetrators are more likely to cause serious harm or commit homicide when they escalate. It doesn’t matter that you don’t think he’s violent (although I don’t agree that rape is ever not violent).
if you do end up telling a friend or relative about what’s going on, maybe agree with them a code word you can text or call them with, as a signal for them to dial 999’.

Regarding the secret phone I second this if you are going to stay. I read a thread and an abusive husband took the posters phone away. Luckily she had an old one but she could only connect to the Internet. Please please consider leaving soon x

OP please take this situation very seriously as Sunflower07 has said. You are not safe in any way at all. When he raped you last he could have killed you or broken your back and left you paralysed. Please leave asap and contact the police.

Yes 2 in in school

@DoesthislookgoodOnMe
No bruises on the back although there is a love bite type one. Does this count? He would argue it was in the heat of the moment.

@shoppingred54 yes I know about private browser and have been using that. I will have a look at the DA live chat now . Thank you x

I think I’m going to do this, thank you. Does/did anyone else worry about trauma dumping on their friends though? She’s got her own shit going on and I feel guilty adding to her stress. She will be stressed because she can’t really help from where she is.

Yes it’s proof it happened. Please log with your gp. Start pretending from now you have a uti.

So I was actually the first person that my colleague disclosed the abuse to. She told me that her husband had been raping her in her sleep, multiple times. Other stuff too, same as you. I helped her to contact professional agencies and she was able to leave safely with her child. Their lives are much, much better now.

It's a few years since she left, she and I are still good friends and I am very proud of having played a part in helping her to get herself and her child out of that situation. We've been messaging one another this evening!

It's very, very important that you start letting the light in to the situation. Messaging your friend would be a great first step if you are unable to contact professional services yourself at the moment. I think it will help to keep you and your kids safe in the meantime.

Position 22 in the queue for the chat :(
Must be so many other girls in similar situations.

When I went to my gp they were so kind and it was mainly severe emotional abuse that I was suffering from. They logged so much and even the health visitor did as I passed her a note when they came to see me with my baby. I hope you get a good gp. Please copy the note someone wrote for you upthread. We all very much want to support you and look after you x