Can you co-exist long term with a husband you dislike

[PennyBilly]

Will try and keep this short but basically I cannot stand my husband. We've not been married long but together over 20 years. I knew I didn't love him when I married him but I always wanted a wedding plus we have children and a house together. It made sense.

But it's getting really difficult to even pretend I want to be with him. He bores me senseless talking about work all the time. Acts like he's the only one that works hard and therefore deserves a rest at the weekend. But I don't get any such treat! He drinks excessively and as soon as he starts slurring, I feel physically sick and can't be in his presence.

I know I'm not going to leave him. I love my house and my neighbours and the kids are happy. I wouldn't be able to afford anything without him. I guess my question is, is it possible to co-exist long-term with someone you mostly dislike. We do have some fun times but ultimately the bad does outweigh the good.

Just carry on as you are ? Youve gotten this far stringing him on. Focus on the kids and your friends and just disengage. I feel sorry for the poor sod though.

Um, no.

You only have one life. I'd rather live in a shed than live like that, but each to their own.

For what it's worth, I don't think he likes me very much either. I think we just tolerate each other because we don't have any other option.

Christ, your poor husband. Why would you marry someone you didn't love, just so you can have a wedding.

You're a really selfish person OP.

I suppose you have to co-exist if that's what you choose. Given that you don't leave, there isn't really any other choice. Perhaps find your joy in things outside your house and live as independently as you wish. Though it is quite a dreary way to live life but your choice. Surely the kids pick up on this?

Seems to be an air of shallowness to your post OP. You married a man you didn’t love just so you could have a wedding? You won’t leave because you like your house? Im guessing you have quite an affluent life and you’re willing to be miserable to keep it. Each to their own but it wouldn’t be for me.

It’s silly to think that you are modelling a normal, healthy relationship to your dc as well. Of course they can tell you and your dh can’t stand each other. Even if you’re not arguing.

I predict an affair(s) on the horizon from one or both of you

Well, I mean it’s possible. You just have to view it as a job. A means to an end. But I couldn’t live like that.

How old are you? Do you have a job? You can leave, sell the house, buy/rent something smaller, co-parent, meet someone else, travel... there is a whole world out there.

It's entirely your choice. But don't pretend you don't have a choice. And don't pretend your kids are oblivious. They're not.

God yes the wedding part does sound awful doesn't it? But I had dreamed of it for so long, had been a bridesmaid more times than I could count and wanted my turn.

I'm not affluent by any stretch. We saved for a long time for our house after renting for years and worked very hard to get it the way it is now.

If he’s drinking excessively do you really want to be around to see him deteriorate further? To care for him as he gets sicker? Might be best to get out now while you can. Smaller homes can be lovely too.

I'm late 30s and work full time. Earn pretty well but in no way enough to afford somewhere to live by myself.

And with regards to the affair, I can't speak for him but no chance on my part. I have no sexual desires whatsoever.

Marrying someone you don't even like, let alone love, is a crazy thing to do.

You're kidding yourself if you think the children won't be affected by it. For one thing, you're not exactly modelling a healthy relationship to them.

I couldn't. But it sounds like you have been doing it for a long time. I hate what this is modelling for your children.

I knew I didn't love him when I married him but I always wanted a wedding

😂

Dear God, what a horrific way to waste your one and only life.

Oh but they do though don’t they. I know one who married a drunk moron for a house. Crack on.

You would be almost certainly be able to live by yourself. How do you think countless other women do it? You rent/buy somewhere smaller, and/or in a different area. Your kids share a room. Some people sleep on a sofabed for a few years. Maybe depending on your income you have help with the rent.

Perhaps you have no sexual desire because you're in a miserable situation? It's unsustainable. You're still young. But I think you know all this. Have you considered counselling/therapy? Have any family who could help you financially or otherwise?

It does sound bloody awful. Hadn't realised what a shitty situation it was until I started writing it down. Also starting to see that it's highly likely that it's me that's the problem. I have suffered previously with depression and anxiety and wonder if it's reappearing now in a different form. I just feel trapped. I have been to counselling before but it took a long time for me to open up properly and then by the time I did, something quite serious happened in my life which then overtook the reason I was there in the first place.

If it’s any consolation I think there are tons of men and women out there doing exactly the same thing. I couldn’t do it. I also don’t think you can hide this from children, they are attuned to moods and feelings, and you’re setting them up to think a cold loveless marriage is normal. I had a friend like this; was awful spending any time in her home, that undercurrent of contempt/unhappiness was always there. Awful for children to grow up in this environment - think of them.

50 more years of happy families!! It sounds worse than prison

We are all as trapped as we choose to be. You could see a solicitor before filling in the divorce forms online, the house can be sold or one of you buys the other out.

Your kids will think this is normal and what they should aspire to.

You got married because you “always fancied a wedding”?? 😮