Had row with my mum about DD, think she's in the right

[Dontworryboutme]

Basically at the weekend I took my DD (10) and my partners daughter (9) to my brother's house. Once there, the kids (my brother's kids too) went to play upstairs whilst the adults stayed downstairs.

On the way home my partners daughter lifted up her top and said "look at me" and she was covered in pen and felt tip, completely scribbled all over and wrote all over like one of those doodle bears.

Partner was cross and asked what had happened and she said they were all playing doctors in the bedroom and she had to take her clothes off and everyone took it in turns to draw on her and she also drew on herself.

I told my brother what had happened and he spoke to his kids but both he and my partner were more or less laying the full blame on my DD as she was the oldest.

The day after my brother's wife came here with him and said they wanted a word with DD. They had her sit on the couch and then his wife just went mental at her, screaming and shouting at her and saying stuff like "if you ever do that in my house again I'll put you through that fucking window". DD was in tears and swore it wasnt her idea and that it was my neices idea so the wife said it was all on recording and DD was heard suggesting it (obviously bullshit but she thought it would make her confess) and DD still insisted it wasn't her so my brother started shouting at her too and in the end she said she couldn't remember who had suggested it. They took this as a confession that it was all her idea.

They then left.

Then yesterday my ex (dd's dad) came around and had DD sit on the sofa whilst he kicked off at her shouting at her and telling her off etc and she still said it wasn't her idea and I believe her but nobody else does.

This morning my mum phoned and had a go at me saying I shouldn't allow people to shout and scream at DD and should have thrown brother and wife out and that partners daughter has known behavioral problems and if I stay with him DD will end up getting the blame for everything she does.

I now feel incredibly guilty that I allowed DD to take the full blame and be shouted at and scared twice but everyone still thinks its her fault.

[ComeOVeneer]

I'm sorry but no way would I let someone come into my house and treat my child like that. Your mother is right you should have intervened.

Also what an over reaction to a harmless bit of play.

They are all at fault. I would phone up your SIL and demand to hear this so called recording and if she can't provide it I would say she can't prove it was your daughter and demand she comes over and apologises to your daighter. If anyone threated to put my daughter through a ficking window I would sling them staight out the door!

[Dontworryboutme]

There is no tape recording, she just said that to make DD confess.

[Enid]

agree 100% with Cov

[Enid]

do you know that for sure

then I would demand an apology

they all sound like animals tbh

[poshwellies]

I'm just totally shocked at the language your SIL used towards your daughter.

They sound disgusting.

[Dontworryboutme]

Just to add, she told DD after she "confessed" that there was no recording really and that just proves she had done it as she admitted it when she thought she'd been caught out.

[MummyDoIt]

Sorry, but you should have stood up for your daughter. For a start, I think it's a huge over-reaction to a bit of playing. Was it the drawing or the fact that she'd taken her clothes off that they were so upset about? Secondly, she may have been the oldest but only by one year. It's not like she was 16 and the others were 9. I'd be having a word with your brother and partner, telling them how out of order they were and making them apologise to your poor DD.

[Aimsmum]

Message withdrawn

[poshwellies]

Abusive bullies.

Your daughter deserves a apology (and partners daughter,for having to witness their abusive behaviour)

[Kewcumber]

agree with Cov too - your DD shouldn't ever feel bullied in her own home. I think you should apologise to your DD for allowing it whilst making clear what they (all) did was wrong. She should all be punished to the same degree as tey all participated, trying to lay blame on one for this kind of thing is pointless and I'm not sure what its supposed to acheive.

[SmugColditz]

I would have blacked her frickin eye.

Not that I am condoning or suggesting it.

You need to do damage limitation with your daughter now. I think by allowing her to be treated this way, you have condoned it. You have said it's ok, you have said she deserved it.

You need to make it as clear as crystal that she didn't deserve to be treated that way and I'mm afraid you really do need to apologise.

Your mum is right.

[bev1e]

Agree totally with your mum. There is NO way your poor dd should have been subjected to any of this regardless of whether it was her fault or not.

[AitchNunsnet]

disgusting behaviour from them and your mum is right, you should have put a stop to it.

[Sparkletastic]

Oh lawks sounds like a total over-reaction by all involved, whether or not your DD 'did wrong'. You need to have serious words with the adults involved about how this was totally unacceptable and must never happen again - YOU will handle your DD not them. Don't let them bully DD OR you.

[HuwEdwards]

Ditto Aimsmum.

In fact it shows such overreaction, I wonder whether you've been told the whole story.

Regardless though, anyone who told my daughter they'd put her through a fucking window, would never darken my door again.

[squeaver]

Your poor DD. Appalling behaviour by all the adults involved.

[TattooedGrrrl]

agree with Smugcolditz.

and if my SIL spoke to my kids like that, she'd be out on her arse.

your DD must have been really scared

[Piffle]

I'd be hunting some folks down. No one talks like that to my kids. Fucking bullying pair of fuckers. Its just bloody pen fgs
not knife wounds or cocaine...
your mum is right

[TeeBee]

I agree with you, your mum is right. If another person (family o rnot) even raised their voices to my children, they would be out of the aforementioned f*ing window before they had finished their sentence. NO ONE has the right to speak to your child like that - they do not your child's best interest at heart. If they are shouting to stop them doing something dangerous, fair enough. To sit down and holler at her over innocent (albeit messy) play is way out of line.

I would sit your daughter down and tell her in no uncertain terms that you believe her and that the others were totally out of order to speak to her in that manner. They may have cross at all of them for drawing on themselves, but they are all to blame (although something daft and not really worth losing sleep over per se).

[CatIsSleepy]

blimey your poor dd
the adults concerned sound like complete bullies

[frankiesbestfriend]

This is appalling and a total overeaction.
Kids drawing on themselves hardly warrants that sort of 'punishment'. It's just normal, silly behaviour.

Yes, you should have intervened, but you didn't and I understand why. You probably felt intimidated too.

Talk to your dd and let her know you believe her, and tell your horrid relatives they are not welcome in your house until they apologise to your dd for their gross overeaction.

[eenybeeny]

I think I would have slaughtered someone who treated my child like that. (ok slaughtered is obviously an exaggeration but I would NOT have allowed it)

Your DD needs you to stand up for her! That poor girl. I know you clearly love her and it seems you wish you had handled it differently but I think you need to go out of your way to make it up to her. She could be seriously traumatised by this. Sorry if that sounds like an overreaction but I went through similar around the same age so I speak from experience.

[youcannotbeserious]

totally agree with COV.. total over reaction...

Not only would snyone who said that to my child be out of the door, they'd be off the christmas card list too.

i don't think your DD needs to be around people like that.

[WigWamBam]

She's right. You should have stopped them.

She's ten years old. Who do you think should be sticking up for a child of that age if not you?