Had row with my mum about DD, think she's in the right

[Dontworryboutme]

Basically at the weekend I took my DD (10) and my partners daughter (9) to my brother's house. Once there, the kids (my brother's kids too) went to play upstairs whilst the adults stayed downstairs.

On the way home my partners daughter lifted up her top and said "look at me" and she was covered in pen and felt tip, completely scribbled all over and wrote all over like one of those doodle bears.

Partner was cross and asked what had happened and she said they were all playing doctors in the bedroom and she had to take her clothes off and everyone took it in turns to draw on her and she also drew on herself.

I told my brother what had happened and he spoke to his kids but both he and my partner were more or less laying the full blame on my DD as she was the oldest.

The day after my brother's wife came here with him and said they wanted a word with DD. They had her sit on the couch and then his wife just went mental at her, screaming and shouting at her and saying stuff like "if you ever do that in my house again I'll put you through that fucking window". DD was in tears and swore it wasnt her idea and that it was my neices idea so the wife said it was all on recording and DD was heard suggesting it (obviously bullshit but she thought it would make her confess) and DD still insisted it wasn't her so my brother started shouting at her too and in the end she said she couldn't remember who had suggested it. They took this as a confession that it was all her idea.

They then left.

Then yesterday my ex (dd's dad) came around and had DD sit on the sofa whilst he kicked off at her shouting at her and telling her off etc and she still said it wasn't her idea and I believe her but nobody else does.

This morning my mum phoned and had a go at me saying I shouldn't allow people to shout and scream at DD and should have thrown brother and wife out and that partners daughter has known behavioral problems and if I stay with him DD will end up getting the blame for everything she does.

I now feel incredibly guilty that I allowed DD to take the full blame and be shouted at and scared twice but everyone still thinks its her fault.

Since when was drawing on your skin such a huge offence? Even if it was your DD's suggestion.

I agree MrsSprat. No good shouting at the OP now. She made a mistake but didn't behave as badly as her family.

They are children, they were playing. Why are the adults losing it? Is it because the drawing on the body or because they were playing doctors? For crying out loud.

Am with Swedes - why are you all getting so upset about this? What on earth has any child done wrong here?

Your poor DD - she is 10 FFS - why did everyone overeact to a silly childrens game. Your mum is right on this one.

I'm shocked.
I'm small and wimpier than a wimpy wimp but no way could I have let my daughter be spoken to like that, even if she was in the wrong which your DD wasn't.
I think you need to apologise to her and reassure her you are on her side
I'd forget the family in all honesty because I'd not be having them in mine or my DD's presence again in your situation

Couldn't read and not post. I have to say, i was shocked when i read this, mainly for 2 reasons. (1) you allowed people to speak (and shout) to your daughter in this way. you should not have let your sis-in-law swear infront of your daughter and tell her she'll throw her through the f***g window!! I would have thrown her out a long before she got to this point! How dare she!!(2) Regardless of who's idea it was, sheis still only 10 years old and it was all kids together, having some harmless fun.

I am in agreement with your mum, there is no way you should have tolerated any of that behaviour towards your daughter and i feel angry on her behalf.

I think you should demand an apology as well as trying to make this up to your daughter.

Your mum is definitely right.

Apologise to your daughter.

And have serious words with your brother and ex.

No-one else should be disciplining your child.

I know that it may be hard depending upon your relationship with your brother, but your daughter deserves it.

And I am really struggling to understand why your sil behaved so horribly - is there more to this?

And to qualify my my statement - your mum is right about your daughter not deserving such harsh treatment, but I think her comments regarding your partner's child's behavioural difficulties aren't helpful.

late to this...
I also agree with your mum. So what are you going to do to rectify this?
Do your SIL and db usually kick of and speak to dc's like that? Why is your ex involved? Do they think something other than drawing happened? because it seems such a daft thing to explode over?
If I were you
I'd talk to dd, apologise for letting her down and reassure her it'll never happen again.
speak to sil and db calmly, ask them what they know. Say you will never let them speak to dd like that again and demand they apologise to her.
apologise to your dm...

My mum stood and watched whilst my aunt accused me of something I hadn't done, then slapped me round the face whilst yelling and shouting I am still angry with her for it now. There is never any excuse for standing by and letting someone treat your daughter like that, although I can see that these are intimidating, nasty pieces of work. And so is her father by the sound of it.

I agree with the others about apologising to your daughter. But I would go so far as to say that if she was my child, she would NEVER spend another minute in the company of these people. Never. Anyone who can swear and rant at a child like that doesn't deserve to call them their niece. I would tell SIL and BIL and I would explain why. If ex kicked off about it I would see a solicitor. This is really, really abusive. They were prepared to come into YOUR house and make these threats (if they threatened an adult like that they would surely call the police), what the hell are they prepared to do when you are not around? And backed up by her father too

I'm confused, what's so wrong with drawing on each other with felt-tip, or with playing doctors and nurses? Normal behavious surely?

Your mum is right. You need to apologise to your daughter for letting other people shout at her, and tell her she did nothing wrong. Then you need to tell your sil and ex that they where wrong to shout at your DD and that you want them both to apologise to her for speaking to her like that and for lying to her as well. Disgusting behaviour from adults.

I suspect it si the taking cllothes off playing doctors and nurses that is the issue (don;t know but suspect) - still a tad of an over-reaction.

your poor dd

I think you need ot support her now
and make sure your ex and the rest of them know that they need t apologise

blimey felt tip is really not that bad.

You absolutely must sit down with your daughter and firstly apologise to her unreservedly for allowing this to happen, maybe say you were scared and you know she must have been even more scared, but it will never, ever, ever happen again. Say it was totally unacceptable and her aunt and uncle were wrong to shout at her (personally I'd cut them out of my life without a backward glance, they are animals) and it didn't matter who thought of the game, it was only a game and she musn't feel guilty or sad.
Allow her to express her feelings, hug her, and take the poor girl out for a treat.
Also give you ex a huge bollocking for shouting at her over a GAME FFS.
Why on earth are adults getting so upset about this?? I get the feeling they are thinking your daughter corrupted their kids sexually, which is totally stupid and just reinforces what toxic people they are.
Your mum is right, of course.

Is this for real? Your poor dd!

I'm sorry but your family sound like animals. Threatening to put her through the fucking window?

Absolute animals.

I just can't believe this so had to post again....can i just ask, what did you say to your daughter after she'd been told off by your sis-in-law and her own dad? You said she was in tears etc, did u comfort her? Did u tell her it wasn't her fault? Has she asked why u didn't defend her???

I wouldn't ever let my sis-in-law near my child again...ever!

has the OP been back?

what did your brother say? How would they react if you shouted at their kids? Thats awful. Your poor dd. I think you should should at your brother and sil

SIL sounds like a horrible horrible person.
Yes, OP should have intervened, BUT sometimes when something like this is happening it can be so shocking that you don't react immediately. If she had stopped her and said,'How dare you talk to my daughter like that etc...', the situation may have escalated into a much much worse one. SIL sounds like a nutter and things could possibly have gotten violent and all infront of the daughter who would feel to blame. (she wouldn't be of course, but kids always feel to blame IMO).
Sometimes to stay calm and explain to DD later once you've given thought to what you're going to say to explain is better.

oh, and don't EVER let that woman look after your child again.

no the op has not been back

OP-You need to deal with your role within the family. The way in which they are treating your daughter is a reflection on how they feel about you.
Do you have self esteem issues?
I think you need to ring your brother and sil and voice your concerns and stick up for your daughter, albeit belatedly.
Also, tell your daughter you believe her and please give them a wide berth until they can show you and yours a little respect.

Felt sick reading this. Your poor poor dd.

As others have said, even if it was her idea then so what? But you need to reassure her that she has done nothing wrong, that you are so sorry for letting them shout at you and she does not need to see those awful, awful people again if she doesn't want to! In fact i think you need to get them to apologise to her too.

And then phone your mom and thank her for butting in!