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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Had row with my mum about DD, think she's in the right

111 replies

Dontworryboutme · 18/06/2008 14:26

Basically at the weekend I took my DD (10) and my partners daughter (9) to my brother's house. Once there, the kids (my brother's kids too) went to play upstairs whilst the adults stayed downstairs.

On the way home my partners daughter lifted up her top and said "look at me" and she was covered in pen and felt tip, completely scribbled all over and wrote all over like one of those doodle bears.

Partner was cross and asked what had happened and she said they were all playing doctors in the bedroom and she had to take her clothes off and everyone took it in turns to draw on her and she also drew on herself.

I told my brother what had happened and he spoke to his kids but both he and my partner were more or less laying the full blame on my DD as she was the oldest.

The day after my brother's wife came here with him and said they wanted a word with DD. They had her sit on the couch and then his wife just went mental at her, screaming and shouting at her and saying stuff like "if you ever do that in my house again I'll put you through that fucking window". DD was in tears and swore it wasnt her idea and that it was my neices idea so the wife said it was all on recording and DD was heard suggesting it (obviously bullshit but she thought it would make her confess) and DD still insisted it wasn't her so my brother started shouting at her too and in the end she said she couldn't remember who had suggested it. They took this as a confession that it was all her idea.

They then left.

Then yesterday my ex (dd's dad) came around and had DD sit on the sofa whilst he kicked off at her shouting at her and telling her off etc and she still said it wasn't her idea and I believe her but nobody else does.

This morning my mum phoned and had a go at me saying I shouldn't allow people to shout and scream at DD and should have thrown brother and wife out and that partners daughter has known behavioral problems and if I stay with him DD will end up getting the blame for everything she does.

I now feel incredibly guilty that I allowed DD to take the full blame and be shouted at and scared twice but everyone still thinks its her fault.

OP posts:

ComeOVeneer · 18/06/2008 14:44

Also am interested to know how you Ex got to hear about it? Sounds like someone was doing some stirring. Are there perhaps othe r relationship issues between you and SIL/brother?

aGalChangedHerName · 18/06/2008 14:44

God i can't believe you stood and listened to anyone talk to your dd like that tbh. I would not let anyone speak to any of my dc in that way.

You should have stuck up for her. It doesn't matter whos idea it was,it was harmless playing and even if it wasn't and it was your dd's idea she still should not have been sworn at/verbally abused like that.

CombustibleLemon · 18/06/2008 14:44

Your mother is absolutely right. How could you let your daughter be treated like that?

Bronze · 18/06/2008 14:44

Oh your poor daughter.
Even if she was to blame (which I doubt) no child that age deserves to shouted at in that way.

windygalestoday · 18/06/2008 14:44

your mum is right nd your sil wants throwing through the f in window AND needs her arse kicking id be so mad ......why the hell DID you stand there and let it happen???

OrmIrian · 18/06/2008 14:47

Poor little girl

Yes you should have stood up to them but I appreciate it can be hard. Talk to her and tell her you are sorry that this happened - reassure her. Then ring your brother and give him hell. What an arse

saywhat · 18/06/2008 14:48

What on earth?! why the hell didnt you intervene, thats your BABY getting swore at and shouted at like that? sorry but i cant get my head round that one at all. I dont just think the rest of them should be apologising to her, i think you should be too. sorry if thats harsh but at the end of the day did it matter whos idea it was? they all took part in it and they are all to blame.

gingerninja · 18/06/2008 14:49

I don't really get it though. What's the problem with what they did? She is a child, why would playing Dr.s and nurses and scribbling on one anothers naked bodies be wrong? They see as much on the telly with all these cosmetic surgery type programs.

I agree with the others, there is no way someone would march into my house laying down the law with my children. It was up to you and them to discuss it first and you to decide how to deal with it, if at all.

I feel very sad for your DD

skeletonbones · 18/06/2008 14:49

agree with your Mum, sounds like a huge overreaction to a normal chilhood game (what kids DONT like to draw all over each other with felttips, my eldest persuaded my youngest that she would really like 'lots of tattoos all over and especially on your face' once when I was in the middle of a long telephone call)
I wouldn't take her round to play at your brothers again if shes going to be scapegoated like this (even if they had done something REALLY naughty your SIL wasn't being fair in her reaction)

aGalChangedHerName · 18/06/2008 14:50

What would you do if a stranger/neighbour did this??

Would you still say nothing?

WigWamBam · 18/06/2008 14:51

I think you need to tell her that you believe her, and that the adults were wrong to come and treat her like that. Then I think you need to phone them - in front of your daughter so she hears it - and tell them that they were out of order to treat your child like that.

God alone knows what that has done to her confidence, being spoken to like that while her mother stood by and let it happen.

Twiglett · 18/06/2008 14:51

I'm confused

it was your partner's daughter who got scribbled on?

So why is your SIL so cross

And yes your mother is right

saywhat · 18/06/2008 14:51

god sorry i had to come back just to add, if that was me, not only would i have stood up for my daughter, i probably would have smacked SIL in the gob and demonstrated what kicking out of a window means.

LavendersBlueDillyDilly · 18/06/2008 14:51

You must have a good talk with your Dd about this. Just you and her. Explain you beleive her, that you don't think it was all her, and that you are angry with her aunt and uncle for how they spoke to her, as peopel shouldn't speak to children like that. Tell her you will never let anyone talk to her again like that and that you are really sorry it happened. Tell her you are going to discuss it with her aunt and uncle and make it clear to them that you are angry with them and that they are never to speak to her agin like that. Tell her her Grandma is also upset that she was traeted like that and that you and Grandma love her dearly and know that she is not a nasty, naughty girl and tell her all the reasons you love her.

I'd then quitly and calmly speak to your DB and wife and make it clear that they are never to speak to your DD like that again.

I'd also speak to your DD's dad and try to get him onside (did he think maybe he was supposed to tell her off?) and get him to speak to and reassure your DD.

This is the kind of incident that can really stay with a child and I think it sounds like she really needs to know that there are adults who will stand up for her, belive in her and love her.

izyboy · 18/06/2008 14:51

Totally disgusting behaviour by the adults. And YOU CONDONED IT! What exactly do you intend to do to make the situation better?

bythepowerofgreyskull · 18/06/2008 14:54

completely agree with CoV
in reading your post I was waiting for you to say you stepped in and stopped them verbally assaulting your child.

You haven't supported her in a crisis.. I think you should. You daughter must believe that you trust her, you believe her and that you will defend her.

What an awful thing for your daughter to have gone through.

MrsSprat · 18/06/2008 14:55

Sounds like your brother and SIL may have intimidated their kids into making more of the story to shift the blame onto your DD

Has the family behaved in this way in the past?

Whatever the situation, you need to ensure your DD know that you are on her side, and that there has been a huge overreaction. Hope your brother and SIL are mature enough to apologise and that you're not intimidated by their bullying.

nervousal · 18/06/2008 14:57

you need to speak to your DD about this an reassure her that she hasn't done anything wrong and that you won't let people trate her like hat again.

I still vividly remember a "talking to" I got from my Mum and Uncle after a similar game when I was about 6. It has stuck with me til now, and I still feel ashamed about it even though I know I did nothign wrong.

Your poor daughter. give her a hug

MrsSprat · 18/06/2008 14:59

Give the OP a break, clearly she found it hard to intervene, she doesn't need berating too.

Oliveoil · 18/06/2008 14:59

sounds like an episode of Trisha, bunch of animals

you need to tell them all to fuck offdesist and give your dd a cuddle, tell her you were wrong to not defend her and that NOBODY will not be allowed to speak to her like that again

fgs, it is only pen!

jeeez · 18/06/2008 15:00

Your SIL sounds like a right bitch, how dare she come into your house and speak to your child like that. As for your brother what kind of an uncle is he to allow his neice to be put through such an ordeal?

Your mum is right, sit your daughter down and make sure she is ok and reassure her that you believe her and tell her you will never allow anyone to ever treat her like that again, she needs to know that you will be there for her and stand up for her.

Would your brother and SIL allow you to treat their children like that??

poshwellies · 18/06/2008 15:01

Agree with Mrssprat-op sounds like she was intimidated-must of been a awful situation to be in.

saywhat · 18/06/2008 15:07

okay, i apologise for berating it just made me so mad reading what the SIL was screaming, its easy to forget not all people are able to stand up for themselves, never mind other people, but really, the OP needs to make up for that now and restore her DD's faith in her as her parent and protector.

WigWamBam · 18/06/2008 15:11

If she felt intimidated, how do you think the ten year old felt?

OP, I'm sorry if you feel we have been hard on you, but I can't ever imagine anyone speaking like that to my daughter and me standing back and letting it happen. Even a wimp like me wouldn't just stand there and let adults rant at my child - not once, but twice.

I repeat - who is there to protect a child from behaviour like this if not her mother? You really need to let her see you stand up to these bullies, otherwise she will never be able to do so herself.

MrsSnape · 18/06/2008 15:29

A very similar thing happened to me when I was around the same age (was shouted at and threatened by family members over something that wasn't my fault) and my mum just stood there and watched.

I am still VERY bitter about the whole thing and in 10 years time, your DD probably will be too.

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