Had row with my mum about DD, think she's in the right

[Dontworryboutme]

Basically at the weekend I took my DD (10) and my partners daughter (9) to my brother's house. Once there, the kids (my brother's kids too) went to play upstairs whilst the adults stayed downstairs.

On the way home my partners daughter lifted up her top and said "look at me" and she was covered in pen and felt tip, completely scribbled all over and wrote all over like one of those doodle bears.

Partner was cross and asked what had happened and she said they were all playing doctors in the bedroom and she had to take her clothes off and everyone took it in turns to draw on her and she also drew on herself.

I told my brother what had happened and he spoke to his kids but both he and my partner were more or less laying the full blame on my DD as she was the oldest.

The day after my brother's wife came here with him and said they wanted a word with DD. They had her sit on the couch and then his wife just went mental at her, screaming and shouting at her and saying stuff like "if you ever do that in my house again I'll put you through that fucking window". DD was in tears and swore it wasnt her idea and that it was my neices idea so the wife said it was all on recording and DD was heard suggesting it (obviously bullshit but she thought it would make her confess) and DD still insisted it wasn't her so my brother started shouting at her too and in the end she said she couldn't remember who had suggested it. They took this as a confession that it was all her idea.

They then left.

Then yesterday my ex (dd's dad) came around and had DD sit on the sofa whilst he kicked off at her shouting at her and telling her off etc and she still said it wasn't her idea and I believe her but nobody else does.

This morning my mum phoned and had a go at me saying I shouldn't allow people to shout and scream at DD and should have thrown brother and wife out and that partners daughter has known behavioral problems and if I stay with him DD will end up getting the blame for everything she does.

I now feel incredibly guilty that I allowed DD to take the full blame and be shouted at and scared twice but everyone still thinks its her fault.

Thanks for all the replies, I appreciate everyone's input and opinions on this.

I too do not really understand what was so bad, I think it was more the fact that they'd undressed her than the drawing but DD swears blind that the only time any clothes were removed was when SIL's daughter said "right, lets have a look at her" (remember it was apparantly a doctors game) but SIL's daughtr insists it was DD that said that and then SIL told DD she was heard on the recording saying it and so DD looked all confused and said she couldn't remember who said it so it could have been her.

When they'd gone DD just said "can I have a drink?" and never mentioned what had happened but then it all started up again when her dad had a go at her the day after and she was left crying then too.

Thing is DD has only known partners daughter for a week when this happened, its a new relationship.

SIL swears alot, her sons name is andrew and once when my DD went around to call for him she said "can andy come out to play?" and SIL said "It's ANDREW, he's not a fucking puppet" .

you should be fucking ashamed of yourself.

your her mother and are supposed to protect her, how dare you let someone scream at your child like that!

and over such a silly thing as well, i mean playing doctors? ffs, who didn't play doctors..... maybe if you'd all been keeping a proper eye on them you would have known what was going on in stead of abusing a 10 year old child after the fact.

I think I'd be avoiding them and let them know that their behaviour was an overreaction and I never want my daughter or stepdaughter sworn at.
I am antiswearing though, although even if she didn't swear the animosity was OTT. I also don't understand why SIL made such a fuss when her kids weren't drawn on.
She sounds an unpleasant woman that I wouldn't want my kids mixing with. The recording sounds like lying as well. Horrible, was she drunk?

Your SIL sounds like a vile person with a foul mouth on her!! Children should not be spoken to like that under any circumstances!! If i were you, i'd keep SIL away froom now on. She is the adult and should be setting an example....

at your DB and SIL and your DD's dad for speaking to your DD like that and threatening violence.

Even more and disgusted with you and your reaction, you are her MOTHER FGS. You are supposed to protect and support your daughter in situations like this REGARDLESS of what your daughter had or hadn't done.

I can not believe that you stood there and allowed these nasty bullies to speak to your DD like that, imo you are worse than they are. YOU ARE HER MOTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your mum is completely and utterly correct in telling you that you were wrong for letting them speak to her like that.

You then add insult to injury by starting a thread on here about what your mum had said to you. It's all about you in your mind isn't it.

I feel so so sorry for your daughter, for having a family like that and a mother like you. A mother who would let someone speak to your daughter like that over a game of doctors and nurses FFS.

I am angry [anger] with you and all concerned on your daughter behalf.

Your mum seems to be the only one on the side of your daughter, well done to her.

I think that's unfair, the poster in her first posting said she thought she had been wrong. I can imagine if your partner is angry about the situation and then your SIL comes round and gets angry you would feel a bit shell shocked and not defend your child immediately.
I don't think any child should have been blamed for this though. I probably would have confronted SIL about the listening device though and demanded to hear it.
It sounds an overly enmeshed family though where everyone interferes in everyone else's business.
Some time away from SIL and her kids sounds called for.
I would not support my son whatever he had done though. If he had hurt another child I would want him to apologise after we discussed why this was wrong. Being a parent involves disciplining your children if they have done something wrong. Tirades of swearing and abuse for trivia are silly though and the SIL and ex need disciplining here.
It doesn't sound as though partner was very objective either.

DustyTV and PinkTulips - give the OP a break. She knows that she did wrong and will no doubt work her socks off to make it up to her DD and to tell her SIL/B/ex-DP to shove it up their backsides.

Also, keep your DD away from SIL's children as she doesn't need any exposure to SIL's vicious, horrible ways. It's unfortunate that your DD won't get to see her cousins but her mental and emotional well-being are far more important.

will she though?

she had to have it pointed out to her that letting her dd be screamed at was wrong

2rebecca, nobody is suggesting supporting the child no matter what they've done but allowing a non parent to scream at your child over such an insignifigant thing while you stand there is unacceptable imo

i think some people can itimidated by confrontation and loud people.

if it was me id be getting slated for not being able to hold my temper as if they were shouting at my dd as badly as is being made out on here they probably would have gonbe quite literally through the window!! alright then i would go that far but they would have forcibly removed from house with a good smack in the mouth to follow if they had anything more to say!

the op knows that she did the wrong thing. i do think that if sil is going behave that way you should keep out of her way. i dont see what is wrong with them taking thier clothes of in front of each other. they do this in pe is she going to swear at the teachers now?

Yes .. but you still haven't said what YOU intend to do about it!