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Original poster

18 months chatting but never met, now rumours online about him

344 replies

AlphaKat44 · 26/03/2026 12:46

Hey all!
I need some advice.
I've been involved with guy for 18 months, I connected with him on Hinge.
We've never met in person, only facetimed a couple of times, and its mostly Whatsapp.
He says the reason we haven't met yet in person is because of his anxiety, and his general mental health after witnessing several traumatic experiences.
He lives an hour away from me, but everytime he tries to drive over he has panic attacks behind the wheel when he gets to a certain place due to an accident where he and his mate were hit by a drink driver, and his mate was killed(It was a hit and run)
He also says he is "worried I won't like him" and constantly doubts himself because his previous relationship was volatile on her part, she cheated and when he confronted her she cut him.
Last week a person who I thought was a friend posted a picture I had showed her on Facebook (without his consent)
onto a group called "Are we dating the same guy?" and its made things worse for us.

Apparently this so called friend got anonymous comments on the posts from other women saying they had arranged to go on dates, and he never showed etc, but wouldn't tell me or show me the post/comments to "protect these womens privacy" so I asked him about it.
He told me that after we had a huge argument he went back on the dating sites as he thought we had broken up for good, and that yes he had reached out to other women but never went on the arranged dates.
He said it was because his love for me stopped him, and I'm the only woman he wants.
Ironically the post got deleted after my friend "told" me about it.
Was it malicious to try and drive a wedge between us?
We were really strong and now he is doubting himself again.

OP posts:
Holidaymodeon · 26/03/2026 14:23

I was chatting to a guy who was always busy or away abroad and he made me allsorts of promises.
I wasn’t particularly invested and it dwindled off as he was never available to meet.

then I started seeing him out and about with a pregnant woman and then later with two babies and now with twin children.

he’s never acknowledged me irl and I often wonder whether his wife / partner knew he was messaging other women whilst she was pregnant

ExOptimist · 26/03/2026 14:23

Mauvish1 · 26/03/2026 14:03

I doubt a single thing he's told you is true.

It's all so very convenient for him, isn't it?

Maybe it's convenient for you too. You can pretend to yourself and others that a man is interested in you without ever having to leave the house or even actually talk IRL to said man. Maybe you don't really want a RL relationship?

I suspect the final paragraph nailed it.

I think the OP has very many issues and is imagining she's in a "relationship" with someone she's never met and who sounds equally disturbed.

pinkdelight · 26/03/2026 14:23

Starlight1979 · 26/03/2026 14:20

Oh yeah that's a good point actually!

Show quote history

She says they've facetimed, so unless he was in one of those dark rooms on Catfish where you don't see the face, he presumably looks like his pictures, and it's more likely that other aspects of his identity are made up to keep the OP interested while keeping her at bay. Maybe she's fibbing about the facetime tho, it's hard to know how much of this is real. The love/relationship certainly isn't.

AlwaysLookOnTheBrightSideOfLife · 26/03/2026 14:25

No one is this naive.

Notdoingtoobadfor52 · 26/03/2026 14:27

AlphaKat44 · 26/03/2026 13:56

The village he lives in is rather remote, and nearest train station is at least 45 minutes from the mainline station.

Show quote history

Oh how convenient 🙄

Starlight1979 · 26/03/2026 14:28

AlwaysLookOnTheBrightSideOfLife · 26/03/2026 14:25

No one is this naive.

Sadly they are....

soontobeamama · 26/03/2026 14:30

You are not in a “really strong” relationship.

Walk away now, there is no point pursuing this any further - if he is unable to meet you face to face after 18 months, there is no future in this.

Even if he has very real anxieties about driving due to previous trauma which means he can’t drive past the place where the accident occurred, he could have got on a bus or a train to meet up with you if he really wanted to progress a relationship with you.

Please ask yourself why you are willing to accept these scraps of contact he is throwing you, rather than be free to find someone worthy of you that you can have a proper relationship with.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 26/03/2026 14:30

What a load of twaddle! Move on.

guestsareinvited · 26/03/2026 14:31

If you like having a virtual pen pal, enjoy it. There's no reason you shouldn't. I've had times as a lone parent where it was the only meaningful relationship I could practically manage and they were better than nothing. If you are looking for something more real, you're not going to get it. Whatever the reason - catfishing, anxiety - it doesn't matter. What matters is you are investing your time and energy and you have a limited amount in your life. Is this where you want to invest it and are you getting the life you want out of it? You do not exist to be rehabilitation centre for anxious man and you can choose not to if that isn't the life you want without any blame or shame for him or you.

It feels like a risk, because you may not find anything more and have to live with less connection in your life. But it also will prevent you finding anything more. It's a scary call.

TwistedWonder · 26/03/2026 14:32

cramptramp · 26/03/2026 14:19

She could do a reverse image search and see if he’s using someone else’s photos.

Show quote history

This is what i was trying to ask without actually saying that.

TwistedWonder · 26/03/2026 14:34

pinkdelight · 26/03/2026 14:23

She says they've facetimed, so unless he was in one of those dark rooms on Catfish where you don't see the face, he presumably looks like his pictures, and it's more likely that other aspects of his identity are made up to keep the OP interested while keeping her at bay. Maybe she's fibbing about the facetime tho, it's hard to know how much of this is real. The love/relationship certainly isn't.

Show quote history

It’s actually very easy now to AI a FaceTime call using v someone else’s photos.

I mean I wouldn’t have a clue but scammers do it every day

Sasha07 · 26/03/2026 14:34

Why didn't you join the 'Are we dating the same guy' group as soon as she told you? You could have seen first hand others experience of him.

I know it can feel real when you're dating how you are. I know you can feel like you're his person and he's yours. But... My friend can't even go on the bus due to crippling anxiety. She also rarely leaves the house. She got talking to a guy in a different country. Their 'love' was so strong, she flew out to meet him. After spending a week together, she admitted everything was flat compared to how they spoke online. They had no sexual connection face to face. She came back a different woman though she tried to ignore all the warning signs. She tried to keep making it work because she was extremely lonely. It ended only when he blocked her after yet another argument and she went through a whole grieving process until she accepted it only happened because of how lonely she was.

He could be married, he could be a player, he could be a bullshitter. But it sounds to me like you're just really lonely. Your friend was trying to protect you. Don't be mad with her. He has his issues and you have yours. We're all different people when we're typing from the voice inside our heads, but reality is very different. I think I remember you said you have kids, this man won't bring anything to your or their lives. Think about it OP. If someone was desperate to meet someone, especially when they feel a strong connection, they'd move heaven and hell just to be with them.

DistanceCall · 26/03/2026 14:35

AlphaKat44 · 26/03/2026 14:00

Since Pandemic, I only go out if I really need to.
Even then I'm cautious as I hate crowds and loud noises.

Show quote history

And you are a single mother? Do you understand what harm you are doing to your kids by being a recluse?

Get therapy. This guy isnbcatfishing you and you deserve to have an actual life.

Scout2016 · 26/03/2026 14:36

I don't know why you are pissed off at your friend, she's right to worry. It's maybe not the best way of helping but I don't think she's just trouble making. I'd worry if you were my friend.

Even if you are the only woman he has ever messaged, all the rest of the baggage is just too much if it's real. And if it's not real you are being taken for a fool. After 18 months if he still can't meet you and neither of you can find a way to make it happen it's not a proper relationship. How on earth did you manage to have a huge argument despite never seeing each other? That's a nuts level of intensity for something that might be smoke and mirrors.

Have you sent post to his address to check he really lives there, in this mega remote place? Birthday card maybe?

Have you googled this car accident?

This reminds me of women who write to men on death row. They can feel the benefits of being connected to someone, it's a bit exciting and they get the glow that they are helping someone with difficulties to change...but it's safe because they won't meet them and risk that real life possible mess and dissapointment of a relationship.

Jk987 · 26/03/2026 14:38

You’ve never met this person. You’ve never held hands, kissed or slept together! You’re not in a romantic relationship with him and definitely not an exclusive one.

Moveoutmyway · 26/03/2026 14:39

You don't drive okay, he is private fine, you can't meet him at a cafe local to his? Come on op why can't you use a bus or a train. You are both acting like neither of you leave the house ever.

You know deel down the reason why you haven't met and it isn't because of any of the excuses you tell yourself.

previouslyknownas · 26/03/2026 14:40

ffs you have just wasted 18 months of your life that you will never ever get back

just think what you could have been doing
getting out and maybe having a real relationship with a real person

you don’t have a relationship with him
how can you - you have never met him

how can you break up with someone you have never met

VaxMerstappen · 26/03/2026 14:42

Some of these replies seem rather harsh towards someone who sounds quite vulnerable.

OP, I think you know in your heart of hearts that your friend is right with this, and that there's something amiss here. 18 months, in other words a year and a half? That's an exceptionally long time to not meet up, and it does sound like a lot of his excuses are highly questionable to say the least.

If they were true, and he is crippled by anxiety (which I do have sympathy for) and poor travel connections, what was he doing on a dating app in the first place? Surely he'd have known that dating was an impossibility 18 months ago, even before getting in touch with you?

I suspect you're talking to someone very lonely who has deep seated issues and is using you as an emotional crutch in some ways, to convince himself that he has some semblance of 'connection' with the opposite sex. He can't face meeting you for whatever reason, but can't face the idea of losing you and you actually having a proper relationship with anyone else either.

I just hope you're very careful in your messaging with him, and you never engage in any sexual chat with someone who you don't truly know who they are. And please be careful what you share in terms of talking about your kids, too.

murasaki · 26/03/2026 14:42

TwistedWonder · 26/03/2026 14:34

It’s actually very easy now to AI a FaceTime call using v someone else’s photos.

I mean I wouldn’t have a clue but scammers do it every day

Show quote history

And added to this he's probably created nude photos from the bikini pics.

Nice.

Flailingaroundatlife · 26/03/2026 14:43

AlphaKat44 · 26/03/2026 13:56

The village he lives in is rather remote, and nearest train station is at least 45 minutes from the mainline station.

Show quote history

The other day I walked 50 minutes with 2 kids (one in a stroller and one on a scooter), to get my kids to school because there was a strike and my partner needed the car. 45 minutes is not that far. You could have made it happen had you wanted it to.

It's not a relationship. You have no idea if you're being scammed. You deserve a 'real live boy man'. You're worth more than this, and also life is better without drama

PeonyPatch · 26/03/2026 14:43

This has gone on for 18 months………?!

PrincessASDaisy · 26/03/2026 14:43

You sound well-matched to be honest. You’re also full of excuses as to why you can’t meet. So just stay as you are, strictly online

Piknik · 26/03/2026 14:43

OP - honestly, what a crock of shit

I don't believe that there was a traumatic accident

I don't believe he has ever got behind the wheel and turned back through anxiety

I don't beleive he is having therapy

I don't believe he has any intention of meeting you. Ever.

I don't believe he isn't talking to other women in the same way

I mostly don't believe you are falling for this.

You are 'talking' to someone for nearly 2 years and between you, you haven't been able to save up for an Uber to get one of you to the other. Come on OP. Wake up.

This is not a relationship.

Laura95167 · 26/03/2026 14:45

He wont meet you

He reaches out to other women when its difficult

You know everything you need to

zingally · 26/03/2026 14:46

18 months and a couple of facetimes? That's not a relationship, and you're kidding yourself if you think otherwise.