18 months chatting but never met, now rumours online about him

[AlphaKat44]

Hey all!
I need some advice.
I've been involved with guy for 18 months, I connected with him on Hinge.
We've never met in person, only facetimed a couple of times, and its mostly Whatsapp.
He says the reason we haven't met yet in person is because of his anxiety, and his general mental health after witnessing several traumatic experiences.
He lives an hour away from me, but everytime he tries to drive over he has panic attacks behind the wheel when he gets to a certain place due to an accident where he and his mate were hit by a drink driver, and his mate was killed(It was a hit and run)
He also says he is "worried I won't like him" and constantly doubts himself because his previous relationship was volatile on her part, she cheated and when he confronted her she cut him.
Last week a person who I thought was a friend posted a picture I had showed her on Facebook (without his consent)
onto a group called "Are we dating the same guy?" and its made things worse for us.

Apparently this so called friend got anonymous comments on the posts from other women saying they had arranged to go on dates, and he never showed etc, but wouldn't tell me or show me the post/comments to "protect these womens privacy" so I asked him about it.
He told me that after we had a huge argument he went back on the dating sites as he thought we had broken up for good, and that yes he had reached out to other women but never went on the arranged dates.
He said it was because his love for me stopped him, and I'm the only woman he wants.
Ironically the post got deleted after my friend "told" me about it.
Was it malicious to try and drive a wedge between us?
We were really strong and now he is doubting himself again.

this is no relationship. It basically sounds like a total waste of time. Block him and move on.

I'm more concerned that you say you rarely go out since the pandemic. The pandemic was largely over four years ago. I would see about getting some kind of therapy for that and try and move on with your life, which is, bluntly, too short to pursue a "relationship" with someone on whatsapp who can't be bothered to meet you.

His "love for you" stopped him going to meet these other women, but not the crippling anxiety that stops him from meeting you? Even if you don't drive, you could have used public transport to meet somewhere neutral by now, after 18 months, it's not going anywhere is it? I think your friend did you a favour. She's obviously concerned by this weird set up, as would I be if my friend was in this kind of relationship.

I understand you are enjoying some adult chat and company over the phone after being on your own for 16 years. Dating is difficult when you are on your own with kids. However, is this how you thought it would be after all those years? Do you not deserve someone who makes the effort to see you, spend time with you? It's very unlikely that if it has been this way for 18 months, it is going to change. Whether that is because he is crippled by mental health issues, or because he is hiding something, either way, I really think you should move on. Work on your own self esteem, then try dipping your toe back in to the dating scene. As your kids get older surely you want to enjoy getting to know someone, over dinner, dates walks, etc. Where both people make the effort to make the relationship work. If you've waited 16 years, I wouldn't accept the scraps that are being offered here.

Then I take back my previous remarks.

Sounds as though you and your “boy friend” have got the perfect relationship then. So stick with it , both of you online, not meeting, not having to venture out into the real world, not having to make any real commitment or effort to move the relationship forward. Match made in heaven I would say.

Nowt as strange as folk I suppose.

But OP seriously, have you nothing better to do with your time?

Op

Would you class yourself as a vulnerable adult?.

And are you 100% positive that his photos are really him?

I mean this in the most gentle of ways possible, but you are not in a relationship with this man.

You're penpals, which is nice enough, but it's messing with your head.

One of the most helpful pieces of advice I ever received about online dating is that it's all bullshit until you meet them. It's served me well.

I hope that you're okay.

How on earth could she know that if she's never met him?

I don’t understand what HE is getting from this either. As per nearly every comment it’s all a bit ‘wtf’, but….
its not like he’s getting money, or regular sex or similar which would then require hiding a wife etc.

i mean this is an 18 month non meet from both sides so I’m struggling to see the catfish element really? (Or the point at all!)

Well, it seems to be working for both of you - he can't get to see you, and you can't get to see him, so you can both make up all sorts of nonsense about your lives.

Well he sounds like a catch 🤔 why cant he drive to see you, is it because his wife is using the car?..🤣

Communication over WhatsApp is not a relationship

Are you seriously prepared to spend your life investing in this charade, to the exclusion of a RL boyfriend?

Of course he lives in a remote village you can’t reach, of course he is triggered on the only (🙄) road between your house and his. Of course he is ‘getting therapy’ to keep you hopeful that one day he might actually make it down the road. Oh, except for the ‘you might not like me’ nonsense.

OP, he is not remotely genuine. Block him and buy your friend a drink.

Communicating via WhatsApp is not a relationship.

I suppose, tragically, he's getting attention from it? Regardless of whether he's a sad sap with a lot of issues who never leaves the house or he's a married father of six who likes the idea that he's got a woman on the end of WhatsApp who is dying for a few crumbs from his table.

I mean, I see this exact situation on here (a poster who believes she's in a relationship with a man she's never actually met. though not usually for 18 months!) with enough frequency to see that there's clearly enough in it for both parties to keep the situation going.

How convenient!

OP I suggest you listen to a podcast called Sweet Bobby.

Have you sent “him” any money?

WTAF?

Why have you put up with this shit for 18 months? You can do so much better. Get out into the real world for a start.

Has he never heard of public transport.
But if you have a relationship with a man you never meet you don't have to put up with him farting in bed.

How old are your kids? What kind of life do they have if your world is so small and your “relationship”
standards so low?!

‘We were really strong’
what?
in what way were you really strong?
you never met him.
he’s probably a married man using someone else’s pictures just to get to chat to loads of women do a little fantasy of his own

She could do a reverse image search and see if he’s using someone else’s photos.

You're "really strong" but you've never met in person, and he's reaching out to other women but never seals the deal because he's so in love with you?

And this is before the whole confusing issue with the troublemaker friend.

Run very fast.

Oh yeah that's a good point actually!

Anxiety apparently. He's just playing with you OP and anyone else online.

FFS some women really set the bar so god damn low - its almost depressing. OP WAKE UP. Hes either married (likely) or just fucking about with you because hes bored.

yeah of course he does...... 🙄
I'm sorry but you're seriously being taken for a ride here. This isn't a relationship, you're no more in a relationship with him than you are with anyone on this forum! For a grown adult you've been incredibly naive.

I had a friend a few years ago who was a single mum in her 40s and actually I think liked that state of affairs - she used dating sites like evening entertainment and it kept her ego up and she enjoyed the flirting/banter/attention - I honestly don’t think she genuinely was that bothered about meeting anyone because she got cold feet as soon as anyone got really interested wanting to meet up etc