MARCH 2026 - Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

have now set up a new thread as the previous one is now full.
This long runnning thread has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.
The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!
One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;
'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'
Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.
Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.
NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.
You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.
'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.
I started with this book and found it really useful.
Here are some excerpts:
"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.
Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.
Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:
"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.
YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".
"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.
YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".
"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."
"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"
"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."
"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."
Helpful Websites
Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat for details.
Some books:
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa
This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:
"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."
6

I’ve been a tit. Since being nc i sometimes find weekends hard and a bit lonely as i used to spend all the weekend with dsis and dm usually having been roped into something by dsis. Dh works a rolling shift pattern and nights so is in bed and dc are adults either working or doing their own thing as they should be and most of my friends have younger kids or are doing things with their family. So i sometimes overthink at weekends . There is no way of me regaining contact I don’t want to and no doubt the feeling is mutual with dsis

dsis is moving her stuff into dm this weekend i don’t stalk her a friend is working on a neighbours house we all live 5 minutes walk away from each other.

i don’t know why i am finding this a bit upsetting i don’t want to live their I have my own house dm is in a care home and it’s not really out of choice for dsis as i believe she is having to sell her house as her interest only mortgage is due to be paid. I think it reminds me that everything dsis has done was for nothing as the money she was pinching and the reason for cutting me off was for money she spent doing her own house up. And even though dm house was cleared a year ago to be rented out it’s a reminder of I got nothing but a suitcase of shit my kids old school reports that I had photocopied to give to dm and their god parents certificates as dsis was their godmother along with had written letter to sign from dsis saying this has been discussed with dm when going through who should get what. Didn’t even get some of my own stuff back ornaments christening gifts etc not really important as I moved out 30 years ago and didn’t take them with me certainly didn’t get anything of DMs

ive emailed opg to question should dsis be paying market rent as the house is in dm name and i think she is nhs funded so still has to cover her care home fees i presume the house will have to be sold when she dies to pay for them and the equity release mortgage will need to be paid and how would any of this be monitored as dsis is now the only poa also my concern of utility bills etc being set up in dm name again

I am now regretting sending it now and am miffed with myself for allowing dsis to get in my head again

@Spendysis I think it’s really hard just “putting it all behind you” - you’re going to have feelings that never got expressed, anger towards them that it had to turn out this way but you can’t communicate it to them and get any kind of satisfying closure. I think it’s understandable you feel that way. If you don’t want to engage with it/them, you could try writing it in a letter that you don’t send? Or do some art about it? Or start boxing 😁

@Eeriefairythank you. I regularly write down my feelings and then bin it. I thought I had accepted the situation and was at peace with it but dsis house sale seems to have stirred up some emotions

@Spendysis I know from my past trauma, there have been times I have realised I’m nowhere near as “over it” as I thought I was! I don’t know how we’re supposed to actually “be at peace” with certain things, but I understand how you feel

@Spendysis I think sometimes we have a sort of grief for how things could have been. I'm not surprised that your sister moving in to your mum's house has triggered this.

It's also hard not to feel the unfairness when a sibling who has done nothing but take seems to have found a way to take even more. I feel pretty certain that GB2 is lining DM up to leave her house to him. Currently he's suggesting his family move in with her to help her, having persuaded her that she would be scared of any external carers/assisted living and persuaded social services that no external care is needed as her lovely family will take care of her. Mum doesn't need personal care etc (currently) and he seems convinced that things will stay as they are- with mum just needing company and someone to help with cooking/cleaning. Nevertheless, I am convinced that he will quickly 'offer' to reduce his work hours to be company for her in the day too (which will really just be him staying in bed late and watching films/playing x box in a different room) but 'need' her to leave him the house since he 'can't' work. He has always been lazy and expected our parents to bail him out, has lived rent free with them until only a few years ago (despite being in his 50s now) and constantly complains about never having time to relax now that he has to work 'full time' (he actually works 4 days). I'm sure that his sudden interest in caring for mum is mainly driven by the idea of her paying all his outgoings whilst she's alive and then him inheriting her house when she passes- allowing him to go back to doing casual work as and when he feels like it (or not working at all). Like you, I have no desire to move in with mum, or to swap places with him in any other way. But it still feels unfair that he has once again found a way to get even more from our parents (on top of the years of living expenses, free childcare, 'loans' that were never repaid, hand outs etc that he's already had). I also know that if/when mum needs more difficult care he will expect me to take the lead in either doing it or organising care with the added complication that he will undoubtedly have spent what little savings she has and won't want to consider selling her house).

If he does move in, cut back on work and persuade her to change her will as I predict, I will stop looking after her household admin and organising/taking her to all her many medical appointments. I think any normal person would say that was reasonable as I DO have to work (whatever he thinks), live much further away and won't be getting the financial benefits he has. I know he will badge this as me 'abandoning' her and will undoubtedly mean the end of any relationship with her. I also know that he won't allow her to consider any form of residential care even if she really needs it, as this would mean no inheritance.

If you get a new phone number or block her, Asi, then you won't receive her messages and can't be rattled by them. You needn't feel sorry for your stepdad, as a fully grown adult he can decide to get a divorce any time he likes. If he stays, it's because he's choosing to. The time to worry about him is if he comes to you telling you he's a victim of her domestic abuse and asks your help to leave the marriage, that's the time to be there for him as a friend. Until then, you can leave the pair of them to wallow in the mess they've made, free from any guilt.

@formalwellies I am 100% grieving for the family that could have been/how things could have been for all of us.

I am sorry your mum puts so much stock in your brother’s opinions. I’m not surprised you’re angry that he’s manipulating the situation more and more to his own benefit. It’s galling to watch them getting away with it! Especially when you care about the people they’re abusing.

@Eeriefairy sadly I'm not too surprised that things have turned out like this. GB2 was always opinionated, lazy and made terrible life choices but the more he messed up and the more obnoxious he was, the more our parents doubled down on their claim that he was ultra clever and actually really lovely/sensitive/caring but kept getting involved in 'mistakes' that were actually anyone's fault but his. They have carefully rewritten history to persuade themselves that he is at worst an innocent victim of circumstances and at best the hero, staying around to help them whilst I was off 'having fun' (= building my own life and standing on my own feet). I was always expected to join them in propping up GB2 (and GB1 when he was alive) and keeping the facade of the perfect family, so I was the 'difficult' one when I refused. So Mum is only too willing to accept that GB2 is now being the perfect son she always knew he was and only wants make sure his dear old mum is looked after by family. Whereas I am the 'awkward cow' who asks tricky questions about practicalities, tries to involve 'outsiders' and STILL refuses to prioritise family/keep up the appearance of the perfect family.

Unfortunately, experience also tells me that as soon as things start to go wrong I will be expected to drop everything to sort it all out. He is currently questioning whether I should have finance LPA (as our parents previously requested) or if he should have it as he will be 'doing everything'. I've already said I'm not prepared to have joint LPA with him. I am certain he doesn't want me to have it because if I do I will be able to see how much money is being given to him and once DM loses capacity there bail outs will stop. I've sent him some details of the responsibilities of LPA and the importance of keeping records if/when he needs to use it. He seemed to believe that he could have the 'power' of being LPA but that I would do everything (including I'm sure making payments to him if he demands it).

Yes, he sounds exactly the type to be trying to get LPA and his fingers in the finances. I don’t know how you manage to stay strong and hold your line while navigating the whole dynamic. I have found myself just retreating and not engaging at all.

In the wrong hands power of attorney can be a complete nightmare there’s no way gb2 should ever be a part of that. The facts are that your parents created this monster and he can still do no wrong in your mum’s eyes. I would appoint either a solicitor or a professional attorney to act , certainly not him.

Personally I think they’ve been oversold to a public that for the most part does not understand what they are signing up to. In toxic families they are a disaster from the start. Even now the system is not fully digitised and some staff still do not understand what these are. This is a very powerful legal document which carries much responsibility with it.

I would not blame you if you decided to walk away entirely from the whole lot of them because they are as bad as the other.

Having worked on probate and private client for several years, I wouldn’t appoint a professional attorney or a professional executor. They’ll gobble though the assets in fees.

He has a legal responsibility to act in the donor’s best interests - failure to do so is a criminal offence but again, legal advice and proceedings are expensive.

I agree with you that they’re recommended very lightly without fully explaining the downsides. About 30 years ago, wealthy people were transferring ownership of their property in swathes to avoid inheritance tax. I often wonder what happened to them - serious dangers with that one. What if you need care home fees and they’ve taken up with a horrible spouse. Or died. Crazy.

@AttilaTheMeerkat Yes, I am quite conflicted about the idea of being LPA. I'd sort of agreed to do it when DF was alive (I think he realised mum was declining before she admitted it, as he asked me to help him organise LPA for both of them when he felt a bit better, which never actually happened). At that point I had very little contact with GB2 but it seemed unlikely that he'd want to get involved. Now he seems to think LPA would mean he could deal with mum's finances as he sees fit- he clearly hasn't done any reading about what it actually means and still doesn't seem to understand that there are an awful lot of responsibilities with the role. My fear if I was to be LPA is that whilst mum still has capacity she will still allow GB2 to use her cash card etc so I won't have a full picture of what's happening with her finances (and am not sure if there's an obligation on me to oversee at that point, or to eg report if he is using her card). If she no longer has capacity, it's even more of a worry as I know he will want to continue doing what she has always allowed him to do so I will have an obligation to challenge that. This will make a difficult relationship more so, and I have no desire to waste my own resources having to get legal advice on dealing with him. At the same time, I know that if he has LPA it will be a mess as he will just do as he pleases and keep no records. Despite the difficult family dynamics I still feel some obligation to try to protect mum now that she's quite vulnerable. Once again I feel I am being put in an impossible situation.

@Ladybyrd I agree with you about supposed financial planning methods being encouraged without considering the real implications. A few years ago my (perfectly lovely) MIL was adamant she wanted to put her house in Trust or transfer ownership to DH because friends had done this and claimed 'everyone' was doing it to prevent their home being sold to pay for care and to protect against inheritance tax. It took a lot to persuade her that she'd end up paying legal bills but still have the value of the house taken into account if she needed to pay for care, and doesn't have enough assets to have to worry about inheritance tax.

I agree with @AttilaTheMeerkatpoa can be a nightmare in the wrong hands this is my current nightmare although dsis over spending debt problems being bailed out lying manipulation has been a problem all my adult life.

having gone through reporting my dsis to opg for abusing her position although it made it clear from the beginning i thought there was also financial abuse and coercion ss and the police wouldn’t look into anything while opg investigation was going on and neither seemed interested after

so that legal document we actually both signed as equal poa infront of dm next door neighbour a solicitor I was later removed not sure who witnessed that I just got a letter notifying me seems to be very powerful and seems goes above ss and the police

in my personal experience opg are useless it took a year for them to even assign my concerns to an investigator

Hi all. I have been on here before. I came away from everything online a number of months ago. Things escalated with people in my life to the point I thought I was having a breakdown. Therapy, separation from people and time alone have helped me come back to some stability.

I have come pretty far on the journey. I'm currently the scapegoat of the entire family, severely over giving and absorbing everything all my life prior to the last year.

Years of counselling to help me see. With great pain I have been NC for 2 years now with abusive ( now favoured) sibling, meaning I also lost contact with the 2 children of that sibling, whom I love/d dearly. That negatively impacted my child who stopped being able to see those cousins ( subsequently blaming me for that).

Low contact with the matriarch has progressed significantly where I am now naturally not sharing, communicating and at the point of almost NC. This is very difficult. The parent in question lives very close to me. I'm now looking to move which is a huge and devastating step for me. It will mean stepping into complete solitude from everyone and finalising separation entirely. Something which is very upsetting and scary to me. My parent is a covert nsrc at the least so it's very confusing. I also have huge health challenges which make me incredibly vulnerable and fearful inside about this. I however feel more afraid I believe being physically close to this fit healthy parent with progressive health problems.

My own teenage child is almost completely alienated against me now. In my belief, I now see their behaviours towards me are abusive, enabled in my belief by an incredibly emotionally manipulative and abusive ex partner - the main carer.

Due to health challenges, I'm not excited about the future, about embarking into the total isolation as I prepare to move away. I don't want to move but feel it's a necessary step to see if I might get some emotional peace away from my manipulative parent. ( Doors away from me).

There is now no one. I still endure it somewhat from my teenager as I try to maintain some relationship but that will fall apart totally soon it seems. I'm struggling to keep going without the non stop behaviour issue ( it escalated terribly to the point I decided I can't have them here to stay in the house any more - unless something changes drastically). This has been devastating. My child was and is a vehicle for abuse and has been delivering this to me in the house, enabled by ex and others. It took me to almost breakdown point.

Is anyone else here at the point of being total alone having cut them all off. Without anyone at all?

I have a child but feel he is only a risk to my well being now because of his worsening behaviour towards me and alienation of me increasing via my ex.

Apologies so long.

Just having a bit of a moan really dh is very supportive so not a ltb situation but whenever we discuss things he tends to focus on the money dsis has had has stolen and was potentially going to get by changing dm will probably won’t be as bigger issue now as she’s in a care home. When I say it’s not so much about the money to me it the upset and loss of so many relationships to get the money that means more to me sure i would of like to have got inheritance. He then replies well she’s lost her family through doing what she’s done. She has lost us which was her choice she chose to behave like this and she obviously doesn’t care she still has a relationship with dm and family friends me and my dc have lost those relationships through no fault of our own

i am probably being grumpy and feeling a bit sensitive and dh who has just got up to go to work listening to me talking about the tonight programme on financial abuse I have just watched is probably trying to say the right thing

I do sometimes wonder if she ever thinks of us like on dc birthdays or if she watched the same program and feels very deep down slight remorse over what she has done and the position we are in now or is she so wrapped up in all of the lies she’s told over the years she actually believes them and we are the villains in story

@Spendysis it’s hard to say isn’t it. I think these people are broken in some way themselves. It’s like they’re not capable of being better or of caring in the way we are. So it’s hard in some ways to hold them fully responsible. I think in most cases as well, they’ve been raised by someone who wasn’t a good enough parent to teach them about this stuff either - if you know what I mean? I used to think that wasn’t necessarily true, as my older sister is not a good person and I thought that wasn’t my parents fault, but now I’m not so sure.

We’ve been estranged for reasons other than what I have mentioned here - it’s been about 15 years - and I sometimes wonder if she thinks about me at all. If she’s changed or regrets any of her behaviour. But I’d be surprised really, she’s so self absorbed. But you never know do you? Is there a moment now and again when she feels something about it all?

Whether they’re so narcissistic they believe their own bullshit, or whether deep down they know they’ve done something wrong but they’re too proud or too weak to admit it, the upshot is they don’t reach out to fix it. So it’s just become one of those things - they’re on a separate path now. I think.

It’s maybe easier for me in that relationship because I have no idea what she’s doing. So I don’t have to watch her stealing from my mum or anything. She’s just gone. In your case maybe because you can see that she’s still doing this stuff you know a bit better that she hasn’t changed?

@TranscendThis I’m sorry I don’t have personal experience of being left with absolutely no one, as I still have my DH, so that sounds like a very big deal. I’m sorry you’re facing that. If it’s the best thing for you (which it sounds like it probably is) then I’m sure you can build a new life and make new contacts in the area you move to. Join groups and ask them where they meet people and what they’d recommend and just try to build a new community.

Maybe you could write to your son and try to keep the possibility of communication open? Make a Facebook page that’s more or less just for him to be able to recognise you and reach out if he wants contact in the future? But that isn’t in use for the rest of your life if you know what I mean. And then just try to move on for now as best you can.

I’m not sure if there are others following the thread that might have more relevant advice or experience, but I didn’t want to just not say anything x

@TranscendThishow old is your dc? My dsis tried to turn my dc against me particularly dd. They are young adults now and see her for what she is and how she manipulated them as teenagers

I would keep the line of communication open with your dc and hope they see what has been going on as they mature

is there any groups you can join in the area you are moving to

Thank you both for the replies 😘

My teenager is 14. As he's a boy I feel that he's more likely to mimic and align with his dad. I'm keeping lines open, the struggle is to contain my reactions to what he says and does; it's very difficult to cope with. It's full on narcissistic like behaviour and if I react, even slight, the script is turned by him and the stepmum now I see. The resentment from the ex and partner is because they're doing all the parenting work now. So I've been villainised as not caring. I won't go into what I have and am dealing with but multiple hospital stays and life changing illnesses.

I feel that I will feel calmer and safer eventually alone , even though it's a bit scary, than with the constant triggering and baiting from family - and all the fear and anxiety that leaves in my system almost continually.

@TranscendThis I think you’re right that teenage sons of abusive men can be unsafe to be around, especially if you are the usual target. It might change in the future but having a long distance relationship with him by phone and messages might be better for a while. You can really tell him how you feel and he’ll have time to process and reflect without just reacting and all the hormones and emotional charge of face to face.

I’m sure it’s scary leaving him to be manipulated against you but I’m not sure what else you could do. Things could definitely still improve later. If they don’t, they don’t and that will be very sad, but if you’re not safe continuing contact right now then there’s not really any other way. I hope you’re doing ok.

@TranscendThis I don't have any words of wisdom, but wanted to just offer sympathy. It sounds like you have a lot to deal with. My brothers (GB1 and GB2) were abusive and manipulative towards by parents from their teens and I have seen the damage that my mum refusing to face up to this and make any attempt to address this has done.

I also came on to have a bit of a rant- my DH/DC though entirely behind me must be sick of hearing about this! GB2, as well as being a lazy self centred arse, is now clearly intentionally making it as difficult as possible for me to do the things I have agreed to do for Mum. They are both adamant that (despite me dealing with all medical matters) letters etc about appointments should continue to be sent to mum's house rather to than to me, or event to her at GB2's place where she is staying. An appointment letter that I have been asking about for weeks apparently arrived a while ago but was not mentioned to me until the weekend. So I have very little notice, but am expected to spend what will become a full day during the working week taking her. This has become par for the course, so not event the point of the rant. When Mum goes to this particular appointment she always wants to take the letter and wear specific clothes that make it easier. GB2 is well aware of this and opened/read the letter for her. I have just been informed that she does not have the letter/clothes with her at GB2s place so I must either go and collect them and take them to her the night before or arrive early to collect them and take them to her on the day. Mum's house is approx 10 mins from GB2s in light traffic and about 1 hour from me on a very good day. GB2 also drives past mum's on his way to and from work. Her appointment is early morning so when I arrive to take her I am likely to be in heavy traffic which means my journey to hers, from hers to GB2s house and then on to the hospital will take longer a lot longer. So to be sure of getting her to her appointment on time I will need to leave home before 6am if I need to collect her things first. That assumes that other than putting on the top that I am collecting, mum will be ready when I arrive. This has not happened yet. So the whole thing will probably mean me setting off at about 5.30am. I have asked if GB2 could collect her things on his way home from work- apparently this is an imposition because he has a lot to do and can't be expected to 'remember everything' plus there is no space to store the items until needed (it's only a letter and a cardigan). I've also asked if he can make sure mum is ready when I arrive, so that I don't have to factor in time for her to get dressed/have breakfast etc when I arrive. Apparently this is also too much as he is working from home that day so needs time to relax after his partner and child leave the house before he can start work. I have considered going over the night before and staying at mum's but last time I did that GB2 let himself in late at night (he seems to be using it as a hiding place from his partner and child)

Seriously formal wellies I would walk away from
the pair of then and leave them to it. Let the crisis happen and when it does still stay away. All gb2 wants is the money from his mother and house and no responsibility but he is also unwilling to give you any responsibility. So it’s never going to work.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I absolutely know that you're right but just can't quite bring myself to walk away entirely. I don't know if that is because I still believe (or try to) that Mum was trying to be a good parent but was messed up by her own dysfunctional family, or because I am still conditioned to think I have a duty to look after her/worry about what people will think of me. Probably a bit of both, plus the complication that now DM is vulnerable and almost has at best some form of cognitive decline.
I have taken a huge step back, and I think DM and GB2 are still processing that. Both clearly expected me to keep up the level of help that I provided when DF became very ill quite suddenly and immediately after he passed. Both are adamant that no 'outside' help is acceptable, which is entirely unreasonable so my boundary has been that I will still visit, and will still help with medical appointments/household admin but won't do things that I think could and should be outsourced. This is very much phase 1 in my mind. If they continue as I expect and GB2 moves in to her house, obviously I will stop doing her household admin (I suspect this will be a shock to him!). If he then (as I predict) decides to stop work, claim carers allowance and 'look after mum' (= stay in bed until mid day and watch TV/play games all day), and persuades her to change her will to leave him the house, I will also stop dealing with medical appointments (which currently takes me at least one day a week plus time organising/following up appointments) etc. At that stage I will only be visiting and not 'doing' anything. I know that I will be seen as the villain and am gradually getting my head round not caring what anyone who will listen to him thinks. I find myself repeatedly reminding myself that the extended family members etc that I anticipate will be acting as flying monkeys have never contacted me about anything else (many never even acknowledged the birth of my children and very few would be able to tell you their names) and will no doubt disappear from my life once DM passes away anyway.

@formalwellies thank you for your comment. I haven't read all your posts. I know that walking away is absolutely agonising for us, until you're almost a pulp on the floor metaphorically and then you have an easier choice so to speak.

The attachment, any nice times, trauma bonding, maybe a dose of something like bloody Stockholm Syndrome, and for me CONFUSION over feelings makes it the most awful conflicting experience there can be when knowing how to operate, or not within these systems. Whether to walk away and when.

I love the advice where professionals encourage you to differentiate yourself from the family / system behaviour/ programming. It's really difficult and despite trying, only complete detachment from the people involved is the only way I get some peace. The mental peace isn't always there though but over time, without engaging in any way, I know people will and can recover. I can't entirely walk away from the one difficult person whom I am still connected to despite horrible behaviour towards me, that's my son. I understand where you're trapped in a cycle as you seem to be.

I have endured alot in my life and I make choices not to hurt or enable hurt as much as possible.

I think it's important to remember that when you're thinking with too much compassion toward others.

wellies if you're going to take her to the appointment, I'd at least refuse to jump through the rest of the hoops.

Fuck the cardigan and the letter. They really don't matter. She'll have to wear a different cardigan, won't she, and the letter is only going to be confirming the appointment I presume. It's not all on the rest of you, she could call a taxi and take herself to her house to collect the cardigan and letter at some point between now and the appointment day if she wants them that badly. She might have dementia but doesn't sound incapable of that.

I'd not be fussing getting her ready either. Getting up at 5.30am?! Are you mad?! 😂They can stick that where the sun doesn't shine, for starters. She can go as she is, unwashed and coat over her nightwear. It's not the end of the world. The important part is that she gets checked over (or whatever the appointment is for), she can have a shower when she gets home or when GB2 finishes work if she needs his help to do it, the world won't end. You're being pushed into the carer role you said you weren't going to do. Stick to your guns is my advice, you agreed to take her to the appointment, that's all.

I think you probably also need to stop asking GB2 to do things and if you want them to happen tell him "X has to happen or you won't do Y". So if in future you arrive and X hasn't happened, you just leave again, you warned them so it's on them not you. Asking him just gives him the opportunity to say no, which as a lazy arse he always will do. It's pointless.