MARCH 2026 - Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

have now set up a new thread as the previous one is now full.
This long runnning thread has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.
The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!
One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;
'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'
Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.
Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.
NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.
You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.
'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.
I started with this book and found it really useful.
Here are some excerpts:
"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.
Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.
Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:
"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.
YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".
"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.
YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".
"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."
"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"
"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."
"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."
Helpful Websites
Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat for details.
Some books:
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa
This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:
"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."
6

@Anastasiaa It does sound like our brothers are cut from the same cloth. Mine was thoroughly obnoxious when my DC were small. He lived with our parents and made it clear that he resented visits from us getting in the way of them running round after him. If we asked him to inconvenience himself in the slightest (eg not having horror films on loudly when the DC were visiting, not swearing around them etc) his response was that we couldn't tell him what to do etc. Now that he has a child, the narrative is that as a aunt/uncle/cousins my family should centre the needs of him and his child. One of my DC actually asked me how old brother is not long ago and was horrified to be told that he was only a couple of years younger than me- they had assumed he was far younger and just hadn't aged well.
@Mywhitedress I find that dealing with elderly parents when you have a dysfunctional family is very difficult. Mine is a very different situation from yours, in that I have no interest in building any relationship with my sibling. But having distanced myself from them all for years I've found that now I am feeling dragged back in but it doesn't seem appropriate to challenge them on current unfair expectations or bring up old problems. I find myself split between half wishing that I had gone completely NC with them all years ago and half feeling that I am a bad person for not letting my boundaries down further and doing more of what they expect.

@formalwellies exactly what you write. Dysfunctional elderly parents when they become vulnerable, back is the pressure and the guilt. I was happily very LC with my parents (and tricky sis) (finally after years of conflict). What I am now very good at saying is: I don’t/didn’t have that relationship with them. That helps to not get dragged in too much. But the guilt is back, and the resentment that here I am once more having all these feelings dragged up and still having to fight my corner. I am not even sure I want a relationship with my sister as such, it’s just that she is a decent person apart from the scapegoating towards me. So it would make our contact so much easier and maybe even supportive of each other if we could get that bit out of the way.

@Mywhitedress it's a difficult situation. I've tried a version of 'I didn't have that relationship with them' (in the context of GB2 expecting me to turn my life upside down to be a carer for mum because 'it's what she always did for us'.) But history has been rewritten so much that they won't/can't see or acknowledge that there was a difference. On one recent visit something needed changing on mum's heating system and GB2 was annoyed that I asked him to do it. When I explained that I didn't know how it worked but thought that he would since he'd lived there years his answer was 'Don't start this again, you lived here too- this has always been the main home for everyone in the family, it's the same for all of us, it always has been and always will be'. In reality by the time our parents moved there I owned my own home and even before that I had lived independently, many miles away from them, for years. Whereas GB2 lived rent free with our parents all his live until he moved in with his current partner in his 40s. I learned years ago that attempting to argue with them is pointless. GB2's usual response is to deny even the most obvious facts then pick on a small, irrelevant comment and claim that this was the focus of the argument and as such obviously I was not only wrong but entirely over-reacting and dramatic having even brought it up.

@formalwellies Do you think a lot of this is the living situation? In our case my brother living with my parents has created a really unhealthy dynamic where they just orbit around him and his son to the virtual (in some cases, absolute) exclusion of everyone else. I just don’t see a way this can be fixed. Like you, I’m the first port of call if there’s a problem though. He rang me repeatedly at 8am one day after my mum had had a fall to “get her to go to hospital” when I’m 3 hours away in the middle of the school run! Hello! You fucking live there rent free - why are you ringing me!

I’d be happy to help but they chose to move. One accident on a very busy expressway and I wouldn’t be back in time for school pickup so I just can’t do that

I’ve tried and tried to make this situation tenable but it just isn’t anymore so I just don’t think we can go there.

I don’t think we will ever get past the level of dependency that siblings have with these parents. They are always going to align with them. My H is the same, he has a weird level of dependency, they nod to the same things, they align without a seconds thought, without really listening, and we don’t. They are just part of the one machine, they have never been allowed to detach.

like a hive mind.

@Ladybyrd It's a bit of 'chicken and egg' situation- I'm not sure whether GB2s odd relationship with our parents is a result of him living with them almost like a child for so long, or the other way round. It's definitely all part of the same issue though.
We're now facing a situation where any normal family would be having serious discussions about mum's current and future care needs, and what changes/external help needs to be put in place to manage it (she already needs a lot of help and due to her dementia this will definitely increase). Instead GB2 is just repeating the mantra that 'family takes care of family'. His grand plan is to move (with his partner and small child) back in with mum and this will make everything OK. I'm pretty certain that he anticipates me continuing to do all the household admin/sort all mum's medication/appointments etc and deal with anything tricky whilst he plays the dutiful son by basically going back to rent free living with mummy. I assume any cooking/cleaning/personal care will be left to his partner. Any attempt to ask sensible, practical questions is met with aggression or 'that won't happen/it will be OK'.
He also has form for calling me (or getting mum to call me) to deal with problems when I live several hours away and he is there with her.

@MustIgoand woe betide you don’t vote for the same party! It’s worked into every conversation. Because it’s such a bad thing to read manifestos and think for yourself!

@formalwelliesAbsolutely. The “we’re all in it together, so you ladies had better crack on with it” attitude. That will get old very quickly with his partner I’d imagine.

Loyalty is paramount…even when they talking absolute garbage. Unfortunately for me I have a provocative personality and I can’t help but purposely disagree. It’s not my family though so I don’t have the lifelong trauma. I can imagine it’s not the same for everyone else.

Oh Mrs Monkey what a shitty shitty time for you all. I really hope you can block him on everything and never ever have anything to do with him again.

I’m sorry about your nephews poor health but I hope that with stability from his mother and some support he can recover.

My mum has written me a letter.

Our contact over the past few months has been minimal messages since her last surprise visit in October and the follow up phone call with my MiL,where she complained about my lack of communication. When called out on HER lack of efforts her 'defence' was "nobody writes letters anymore". So, here we are, she's written a letter.

It reads much like her phone conversations. Five sides of A5 paper, with 3 of them dedicated to talking about people who have died and how they met their end. I never knew either of these people. There's about a page talking about my brother and his colleague and some work that she's done on the house.

There's reference to a family wedding on my DH's side (she'd seen photos on facebook) and there's a bit about how we are always welcome to visit her and if we find her house too cramped she will help pay towards a Premier Inn. Although she also made a point that she has to choose between doing work on the house and taking holidays on a lowly pension.

The only questions she asked that had any relevance to me or her grandchildren was "How is work?" and asking how I juggle childcare in the holidays. That was it. No acknowledgement of how little we now speak and why that might be. No interest in how DC might be getting on. Bearing in mind one of my DC has multiple health issues, so life isn't straightforward.

She ended the letter with "it would be lovely to arrange a proper telephone chat rather than messaging, if you can fit it in to your busy schedule". I can hear the tone in her voice in that sentence. It feels condescending and the comments about us visiting her and her struggling on a pension feels manipulative.

Why does a phone conversation need to be arranged? Its not like she's called me and I've failed to answer and we keep missing each other. She hasn't called me in 16 months. That is a choice she has made. She must have a reason for that. I know why I haven't called her, and her letter is just physical evidence as to why. She just wants to talk at me and has no interest in my life or my DC.

Where do I go from here? DH thinks its a good opportunity to write her a letter in reply, detailing the issues I have with her. But I just don't know right now. This post is long enough, so I'll leave it there and I appreciate any words of wisdom you may have.

I once read a quote that said never get into arguments with someone who has no self awareness. I personally wouldn’t bother saying anything. If I were to reply I’d reply but keep it as surface level as possible. Like here is a picture of my plant, isn’t it nice. The kids play piano, they go swimming. The dog had its haircut. I wouldn’t be asking anything, I wouldn’t be insinuating anything, looking for anything, answering anything. There is nothing to be gained anymore.

@SlowSlothsI’m not sure of your backstory. You sound a bit like me where keeping up the pretence of a relationship was exhausting and all coming from your side so you decided to take a step back? I may well be projecting. I’ve decided after numerous phone calls out of duty and complete disinterest from her to tell her next time we’re in touch (just had an unrelated blow up) that I always seem to call at an inconvenient time (literally screaming down the phone at the dog and acting like it’s an imposition on my part) so when she feels like a chat, she knows where I am. I’m sick of ringing when I really don’t want to because I know I’ll just be talked at then dismissed. Fuck it. Life is too short.

Just wanted views on a situation (and a bit of a vent). I know that the standard advice will be 'You just need to all sit down and talk it all through' <Hollow laugh>
Mum has recently been diagnosed with dementia. Her abilities have been declining over the last year or so and brother (GB2) is adamant that the solution is for him , his DP and his child to move in with her. I strongly suspect that his motivation involves living rent free in a large house and convincing her to leave it to him, But even if it didn't, I don't think he has thought through how this would really work, or taken account of the fact that Mum's needs will increase, potentially rapidly and significantly. To some extent this is not my circus, not my monkeys- but I also know that in all likelihood I will be expected to sort care out when it all goes wrong.
There have been a number of follow up appointments/meetings with HCP and other organisations aimed at signposting us to things that may help Mum. All very helpful, but GB2 has been too busy to make any of them and has made it clear that I should deal with any paperwork/organising appointments etc. During the assessment process there were a few situations where he said he would look in to things suggested to help mum but there was always something that stopped him from getting round to it. I understand that he has other things going on but this is likely to be the case for ever and is a reason why I don't think him moving in with her will be the magic solution he claims. As a result, Mum and I have had a few meetings and calls about some social groups she can go to and some agencies who offer paid care/help in the home. He is not at all happy, and has told Mum he doesn't know why we have done this because she doesn't need any of it- his family will be around her and she doesn't need anything else.
I have not voiced my concerns to Mum (she will always defend GB2 anyway) but she has told me that she has concerns about how it would work and whether it's what she wants. She says she wants to at least try being at her own home with carers, and going to social groups before discussing them moving in. I don't know whether she has said anything to GB2, but I doubt it would make any difference. Since she got her diagnosis he has talked about them moving in with her as a done deal.
GB2 and I do not communicate directly, following his shitty behaviour culminating in him throwing me out of Mum's house when I have refused to step in to Mum's previous role as his support human. Attempting to talk things through would be futile, as he will automatically disagree with anything I say. However, I know that in meetings with social care etc he comes across as the lovely caring son who is willing to do whatever it takes to care for his dear old mum.

Where do I go from here? Do I say nothing and let whatever happens happen? This feels unfair on Mum given her dementia, but one the other hand she has definitely created this particular beast. Do I ask for an updated social care needs assessment and try to voice my reservations about GB2s plan, including the fact that Mum wants to try other things first? There is a very good chance that she will agree with whatever GB2 says in front of a social worker as all his life she has lied to cover up his shitty behaviour. There is no doubt that Mum has been part of the problem with our dysfunctional family but if they go ahead with GB2s plan I think Mum will decline very quickly as she will have even more limited social interactions (he doesn't think she needs social groups as she has him) and will be sitting in her house all day alone whilst they are at work/school . I am very conflicted- one one hand I do not want to be dragged back in to family arguments having extracted myself and simply refused to engage. On the other hand I do feel sorry for mum and definitely don't want to have to sort out the mess that I suspect will happen if/when GB2 moves in then realises how hard it is to actually care for someone with dementia as it progresses.

@Ladybyrd its complicated and has slowly progressed over the years since I had DC, but yes in a nutshell, I've taken a step back because it was really frustrating me that conversations would just be about what she wanted to say and I was simply there to listen. She is so disinterested in our lives and yet is desperate for gossip on my inlaws. I stopped giving her any info and that is essentially how conversations shrivelled up. She doesn't ask about DC at all. Its like they don't exist.

@formalwellies I would absolutely speak to social services. It isn’t what she wants. Although it sounds like this like this situation is partly of her own making, I’d make sure her wishes are made known.

my brother lives with our parents. My dad sick one Christmas and nearly died. He was so weak he couldn’t climb the stairs. He has arthritic knees. He couldn’t even get to the bathroom. My brother’s answer wasnt to get mobility aids - a wheelchair perhaps. He got my dad to sit in a storage container and drag him down the hall. Really. This is our golden balls.

He then allowed my dad to drive himself to hospital with a throat almost closed. He had a huge abscess and if they hadn’t drained it then he would have died. My brother left him there. I found out about all of this and said I was coming down - what the fuck are you doing? He soon got his arse up to the hospital then but left him there and allowed my dad to drive himself home.

The next weekend my brother, mother and nephew all went away on a overnight trip leaving my dad to it. Having seen that level of care, yes I will be involving social services next time. Anonymously of course.

@formalwellies no real advice as this is a very difficult situation where only you will know what feels right for you and what you can cope with. I admire how you care about your mum. I couldn’t get involved in the care situation in my case (dad also with dementia) as I got physically ill when having to deal with my parents. And it was very hard to stay away. So in your situation I can see that it would be very hard to not step in. I think I just want to say make sure that it isn’t going to damage your own health, relationship or children, and, if you do help your mum best you can, to keep checking in on yourself.

@Ladybyrd That sounds awful! My concern about speaking to social services about it at this stage is that I will be dismissed as trying to cause trouble etc which will be annoying but also make it harder to be taken seriously if I need to get them involved later. I suspect that if I were to tell them that I don't think it's what Mum really wants she will down play her views (or deny it) and GB2 will make it sound like she doesn't really know what she wants and he just wants to help her. I can imagine that to the untrained eye he might appear to be a child who is just willing to do what's needed to care for his mum. But on the other hand maybe it needs to be flagged as a problem. Once he is living with her I think it will become increasingly difficult for me to have any idea what's really happening. Part of me thinks let them get on with it, but it's hard not to feel that I should look out for her now.
@Mywhitedress I don't think I'm anything to admire. I care about Mum in that I feel sorry for her and don't want her to be in unnecessary distress but I don't feel I have really had a relationship with her in a very long time. Any that we did have was destroyed when they made it clear that keeping up the pretence of us being a close family and protecting GB1 and GB2 from any consequences of their actions was far more important to them than my wellbeing (and eventually the wellbeing of my DC, which is when I really pushed back). What I feel now is really a sense of duty to look out for her. I understand exactly what you say about feeling physically ill when dealing with dysfunctional family. Dealing with GB2 causes me a huge amount of stress.

Sloths I eventually came to the conclusion that they have no idea how to communicate like a normal person, so they're totally incapable of doing it. Even when you lead by example with your own side of the conversation they won't follow your lead and learn how to do things differently.

It's as if they say they want to get along better, or insinuate that at least, but what they actually mean is they want you to -
do whatever they want you to do and
be whoever they want you to be
and
carry out whatever role they want you to carry out.

They're not actually willing (or able?) to put any effort into genuinely getting along better with you.

You've stepped out of line (the pathway that, in her mind, you should be walking along. Because she's decided it's so and therefore it is. What you want doesn't come into it) by not phoning her. Her response to this is to try to bring you back into line with her "efforts".

That letter is her making an effort, she's just incapable of making a healthy one. She can't get at you by phone to talk at and it's too much to say over messages, so she's written to you instead to get at you that way. Because you said she's not "making any effort".

You meant effort to improve the relationship, but that's an alien concept to her because (as far as she's concerned) you're the thing that's wrong with the relationship, so it's on you to change (and get back in line where she thinks you belong).

Her "efforts to improve the relationship" are basically just renewed efforts to get what she wants (and pisses her off that she's had to resort to making any kind of effort at all), which is you back in line and listening to her whitter on about whatever she wants.

Narcs don't have reciprocal relationships only transactional ones. So to her, "improving the relationship" doesn't mean she starts taking a genuine interest in your life, or even faking an interest, that's far too much effort. Total her "improving the relationship" means a return to the transaction whereby she answers the phone and in so doing bestows upon you an acknowledgement of your existence by deigning to speak to you (for which you're supposed to be externally gratefully and kiss her butt) and, in return for her "generosity" of acknowledging you exist, you make that phone call regularly and listen to her go on and on and on about things and people you've never had any interest in.

It's so spectacularly messed up and she's so spectacularly messed up, that she can't see any issues with this. This is what a good relationship looks like to her, one where she gets her needs met whilst giving the other person basically nothing.

wellies

To some extent this is not my circus, not my monkeys- but I also know that in all likelihood I will be expected to sort care out when it all goes wrong.

It's not your circus or your monkeys to any extent. Stop aligning yourself with their thoughts.

Imagine this: they think the moon is made of cheese. So what? How does that belief of theirs affect you? It doesn't.

So they expect you to sort out the shit show they're going to create? So what? They can expect it. It's their right to hold whatever beliefs and expectations and opinions they want to.
How does it affect you? It doesn't.
Those beliefs, expectations and opinions are all in their minds. You can choose not to have those things in your own mind.

The reality of how it'll translate into their behaviour is basically going to be insulting you and making rude phone calls where you're ordered around. So what? How do we deal with rude people? Hang up the phone. It really is that simple. You have agency over your own life. They can't make you do anything, including listening to them being rude on the phone.

She says she wants to at least try being at her own home with carers, and going to social groups before discussing them moving in. I don't know whether she has said anything to GB2, but I doubt it would make any difference.

If this is what she wants, she needs to tell GB2, nobody else can do that for her. She can't say "yes" to him and then have someone else come say "no" to him on her behalf so she doesn't have to be "the bad guy". People have the right to make unwise decisions. If someone wants to remain in a controlling relationship, not even social services or the police can step in to disallow it. She has to decide not to have him there and communicate it. Then others can back her up.

What can you do? Two choices -

Walk away... and get shot (metaphorically, by them) for doing so.
Or stick around and help her refuse him entry... and get shot for doing so.

Because you know already that she's going to cave and backtrack and deny saying "no" and tell him "yes".

So, what do you want to be vilified for? Because it's happening either way. There's no option where you don't get vilified and your reputation shot to pieces. It's just a decision between whether or not you put in any further effort before it happens.

In terms of "help" by that I mean you can obtain the name and preferably phone number of your mum's social worker or at least which council (then you can phone the general number to ask for the elderly care social worker department). Then obtain an address or email address for the SW to follow up your phone call with a written trail. Tell the SW that your mum has told you she wants carers and social groups to start with and not GB2 moving in.

When he shows up on the doorstep and she calls you about it, you ascertain that she wants him to leave and has told him this. If she does and has, and only then, you call the police for her explaining that he's trying to move in against her will, she's told him "no" and he's refusing to leave. Let the police sort it out.

If GB2 has sold his house, packed up his stuff and hired a removal van, at this point parked outside your mother's house - that's not your problem. That's his problem because he shouldn't have done any of that without first definitely ensuring he has somewhere else to go. And deciding unilaterally to move into his mother's house ain't it. It's not something you have to get involved with. His stuff can go to a storage unit and he can go to a hotel, until he either buys another house or rents another one to live in. You don't even have to have that conversation with him. He's an adult, married to another adult, and they can work it out for themselves.

Contacting SW and police, that's you advocating for your mum, which is realistically all you can do. If she backtracks to these people and tells them it's ok for GB2 to be there, you need to accept that as her choice and stop worrying yourself about it. Because your mum has agency over her own life too, should she choose to exercise it, and there's nothing you can do if she doesn't.

@formalwellies I agree with everything SamandAnnie said. I’m really sorry you find yourself in this difficult position, but it really is your mum’s bed that she has made that she’s now faced with lying in. And it’s not your fault she can’t or won’t stand up to GB, and as you have pointed out, there’s not really a way that you can stand up for her that he can’t over ride - because she has put him in this position of power and continues to do so.

If you want to report to social services and try and arrange a meeting where he isn’t present, and she then denies she needs help because GB will help and move in, and your worst case scenario comes to pass that later she can’t get the help she needs, then that’s it and it’s all on her - you will have truly done everything you possibly reasonably can.

Hello, I’ve had extensive sessions with a psychiatrist about my childhood, still trying to make sense of it.
My father recently took his own life and I’ve found out a lot of things that my mother had said which weren’t true. I’m now feeling like I’ve got lots of unanswered questions. I’m too tired of everything to be screaming at my mother for her, quite frankly, disgusting and disturbing lies. I have CPTSD and I feel like this is happening to someone else and not to me.

Actually wellies, it occurs to me there's possibly a darker side to all this. I'd previously viewed it through the lense of her being taken advantage of, because that's how you view it.

But what if it isn't like this at all. What if ts more like -

She was a mean manipulative bitch when younger and she's a mean manipulative bitch with dementia now she's older. She didn't suddenly develop a different better personality just because she got dementia did she?

In aligning herself with GB2 whilst telling you something different she -

Gets to play the victim, securing your sympathy, your continued involvement in the family and centering your thoughts and your life on her and her wishes even when you're not with her. So, narc supply, hoovering and coercive control, then.

Then by causing certain well meaning behaviour in you (such as phoning and standing up to GB2 on her behalf), she gets to sit back and gleefully watch while GB2 attacks you, backed up by her, having set up a situation where you're guaranteed to "fail" (because for all you know she could be telling GB2 how much she's looking forward to him moving in). So, scapegoating you for her own enjoyment and so obtaining more narc supply from triangulating the conflict between you and GB2.

Plus trying to make you feel bad, and discredit your character, by having authorities label you as a shit stirring troublemaker who wants to come between doting mother and loving son. So, the public smear campaign, then.

There could well be nothing here that she even needs help with regarding this situation. You could just be getting well and truly played. Let's face it, she's got you to become a jangling bag of nerves. Dancing like a puppet on a string, pulled by her. Which is generally where a narc wants their victim.

I’m too tired of everything to be screaming at my mother for her, quite frankly, disgusting and disturbing lies.

It would be a pointless waste of breath anyway peeved. Save your energy.

What are your feelings about your father's death, about him being gone?

peeved sorry for your loss . It's really tricky when what you were told ends up being cobblers, eh? Been there, done that. For years, Mum acted like the wronged party and declared stepmum to be scarlet woman etc All of which was true. My womanising Dad treated her like shit.
However, he has never, not once, ever badmouthed her and is actually still very defensive of her and her actions (enabling a toxic stepfather, parentification, slagging off my Dad at any opportunity).
Turns out she had cheated too. With her best friend's husband. When her best friend was ill.
She disclosed this a few years ago and, like you, I was left reeling. In shock at the complete hypocrisy.
So I am sorry for what you are going through. Happy to listen or offer a hand hold if you need or want to vent or process here xx