MARCH 2026 - Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

have now set up a new thread as the previous one is now full.
This long runnning thread has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.
The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!
One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;
'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'
Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.
Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.
NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.
You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.
'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.
I started with this book and found it really useful.
Here are some excerpts:
"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.
Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.
Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:
"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.
YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".
"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.
YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".
"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."
"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"
"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."
"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."
Helpful Websites
Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat for details.
Some books:
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa
This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:
"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."
6

@Ladybyrdi agree it was probably a good thing for your dc to see. You called your dp out on their behaviour and taught your dc it’s good to set boundaries

@Ladybyrd very good that your anger came out at the right person, at the moment that they were actively being cruel to you and your family. So many people seethe inside, but take it out on others. Also for you children I agree a good lesson. But I always hate that they can make me do things I would normally never. Their behaviour turns me into this horrible bitter, angry person.

I woke up from a dream. In it I told golden sister that she’d taken them from me (parents). And that everything I had, everywhere I went, she came too and nothing was mine anymore. God, it sounds so childish and cliché to be jealous of my sister, but that’s exactly what happened: sis came along and became their favourite, and that was it.
I am going to talk to her, or at least try (if I get a chance, because she has been avoiding me). I might regret it, but also think f* it, why would I always have to keep quiet if it is important to me, and it might even make our relationship better if she knows. I might be being too hopeful though, she might throw it back in my face, but I am fed up of being treated as a second-class child, and we’re grown-ups now.

@Mywhitedress good luck if you do have that conversation and I hope it does improve your relationship. Years ago, my DSis and I both confessed that we thought our mum preferred each other to ourselves. It turned out, that while my mum was cold and critical towards me and praised my DSis all the time, she was doing the same to my DSis when I was out of ear shot. I’m still pretty convinced that my mum sided with my DSis at every possible opportunity and seemed to genuinely relate to her more than me, but I feel that since that conversation my DSis and I have been more able to talk about our issues with our mum like we’re in it together, rather than I’m on the outside of their special relationship. Just to say as well, my DSis did seem genuinely shocked at the idea I thought she was the favourite, and brought up all the praise I received for being hard working and organised, never needing emotional support etc. which had obviously made her feel small and weak and like she needed them more and strengthened the position of our roles in the family.

@MywhitedressI know they won’t phone. They’ll just expect me to be in touch “when I’ve calmed down”. They’re loop the loop. Imagine I invited them here then just went out - or went out with my in-laws instead. Then when I questioned it, immediately my mum saying it wasn’t her fault. And I found myself agreeing with her - no it isn’t - almost apologising. Then it’s like someone flicked a switch - wtf am I doing? And that’s when we left. Bizarre. I’m starting to feel more disassociated though. Not my circus.

I hope your talk goes well. Wouldn’t work with golden balls because I worked out some time ago that while I stopped being competitive with him as a teenager his still at it at 50 plus. Fishing for information on my work, kids schools, grades etc. - when you start to notice, it’s blindingly obvious.

I so hope it will go even a little bit like with your sister @Eeriefairy. That sounds so good for you two to have found each other like this. Because I do wonder if my sister just honestly has no idea how they've been towards me. I do fear, though, that she is still too deep in, as she does keep me at a distance. But I want to try at least to get to know each other without my parents in the middle. So far it has never worked because she has this view of me that is basically my parents’ view. But I have never been brave enough to really open up to her and to keep the talk going the moment she invariably gets defensive and sees it as criticism. So let’s hope I will manage to word it in a way that she will actually realise that’s not what I’m trying to do.

@Ladybyrd once you see it, you can start to break free, so at least you can do better for your children. It is a mindfuck and very difficult I found to completely get out of, especially with siblings involved as well

It’s sad what these families do to siblings. I always tell my children that they should have each other’s backs and be friends.

I have found in these situation there is no productivity in have conversations. Healthy people have a conversation to understand to reconnect. These people find no pleasure in understanding, they converse only to cement their opinions and you just make it more set. They can’t flex their opinions to take into account others, even though what you say is 100% true. They are so entitled with their opinions of which is based on nothing but their stupid ego. Absolute waste of time. When I see mine I no longer go looking for anything. Asking is dangerous. Especially when you are vulnerable. I either leave thinking I’m asking too much or I’m stupid or I take their advice and it’s terrible advice.

To think of the times I’m sought their advice thinking that they were something special. But their advice is never tailored to your needs. They just like giving advice as if what they say is said by the gods.

We popped in briefly at the weekend. This was the line of the conversation. We’ve had our kids early now we don’t have to do anything, they’ve grown up and the rest is up to them. Lovely. Then followed by women should have their kids young. I stupidly got involved and said it doesn’t matter. Entering motherhood later gives women the chance to experience life and find themselves. To which he replied why do they need to do that, by 17 women should know themselves fully. Women don’t need to find anything they just make a family. They make better mothers young. For my god I didn’t know where to look. Thank go we had no kids with us.

@MustIgoI loathe favouritism and really find it incredibly hard to understand parents who do this. I had a friend who blatantly doted on one child - all his posts were of her, then even poking fun with jibes at the non-skinny, less photogenic one. It got to the point where I couldn’t speak to him anymore.

Wtf is wrong with them? Can’t they see themselves? If you can’t look at each of your own children and appreciate them for their unique qualities, you’re not just a bad parent. You’re a broken human being.

There are a lot of f**ked up people operating just under the radar. They parent children who end up mentally unwell and unstable. Any child without adequate scaffolding will grow with weak foundations. On and on it goes. I just can’t believe I find myself in one. I thought we were in 2026 but we still in the dark ages. Trauma is a bastard, other people’s trauma messing up my kids I don’t have the tolerance for. I have been looking up narcissism. I thought it was a superior thing but the more I look the more it’s an inferior thing. They aren’t strong and superior they are weak and inferior, it is pathetic.

@Mywhitedress there’s no harm in trying. I don’t think I’m going to bother trying with my parents again as they showed themselves literally incapable of seeing the situation from my perspective. They even attacked my own parenting more than once. My DSis has more reason to be defensive and reject my point of view, but she has actually been more understanding.

If she shuts you down and doesn’t listen then you’ll know where you stand, but you won’t know if you don’t try. My DSis has always shown more interest in actually finding out what’s going on with me than my parents though so if yours has never shown an interest, maybe you should mentally prepare for her to not see things your way?

In the book I’ve mentioned, she talks about setting your own intentions for your own behaviour (I want to tell my sister how I feel, calmly and without allowing myself to get derailed by her if she tries to take the conversation down an irrelevant tangent or without getting caught up in defending myself against the old narrative etc), but you can’t control how she reacts to you or the ultimate outcome. If you manage to stay calm and keep returning to the subject you want to discuss, you can call that a success, even if she ends up asking you to leave and you no longer talk to each other.

I always tell my children that they should have each other’s backs and be friends.
@MustIgo I'm sure you are sensible in your expectations about this, so this is absolutely not a criticism of you, but I am on the receiving end of the extreme version of this sentiment. I think it's parents setting children up for unhealthy relationships that is the problem- whether that's pitting them against each other (directly or through favouritism) or expecting them to put up with being treated badly by a sibling. In a normal. healthy, family I think siblings often end up as friends even if they argue sometimes but this is as a result of a mutually respectful relationship that develops over time from childhood in to adulthood. In my case, it was instilled in us that family should stick together no matter what and this included me being expected to deny, excuse and put up with really awful behaviour that no one would expect me to put up with from anyone else. Even now, in my 50s, I am having to protect my boundaries and battling against an underlying belief from my brother and mother that regardless of how he has treated me and however unreasonable his demands I should bend over backwards to help him because 'that's what family is for'. The current recurring battle relates to my very unfair refusal to act as unpaid school holiday childcare and lack of interest in holidaying with him to 'share the childcare'. Despite the facts that my DC are young adults, we have not holidayed together since I was a child, he showed no interest in my children and frequently tells me what an awful person I am this issue crops up in the run up to every school holiday now that our parents are unable to help. He is very angry about it and appears to think that each time I might have changed my mind. The latest attempt to persuade me was telling me that he has discussed it with colleagues who are 'disgusted' that his sister will be 'galavanting' around all summer leaving him to juggle child care and work alone. (FWIW he has a partner and could also pay for child care like other people do, my 'galavanting' is spending time with my DH and DC).

I also agree with @formalwellies I have an older sister who I no longer see because she did some horrible things that showed she didn’t care about me at all. I tell my children why I don’t see her (without giving them all the details, just that she showed through her behaviour that she didn’t really care) and I tell them that they should treat each other how they expect to be treated, and that if they can’t be kind, they might find themselves with a very strained relationship when they’re older, or even none at all, and that it is possible to treat someone so badly they no longer want to have anything to do with you.

@formalwellies Normal people expect to share childcare with their partner not their siblings. My situation this weekend arose from a “need” for my father to take his nephew somewhere - dressed up as an emergency - it wasn’t at all. Imagine telling your father in his late 80s he “had” to take your son somewhere. A three hour round trip no less. I haven’t seen my dad drive in a long while, but that would make me nervous, given his age. They’re bloody barmy, all of them.

Agree its good to talk to siblings. Me and Dsis spoke recently and thought she was the only one that DM hit. I told her no it wasnt just you, she also hit me and screamed in my face etc too. Think it helped Dsis to know it wasnt just her.

Im waiting to see how long it takes DM to contact me. Its always me reaching out first. Wonder how long it will take. My guess is weeks.

Just been organising my daughter’s birthday party. Sad she won’t be seeing her grandparents (no doubt they fully expect this but without an acknowledgment that they’ve even done something wrong, I am not lining us up for a repetition to spoil her day).

What is really encouraging is how happy and enthusiastic all the other parents are about the party. They’ve been in the same class now for a couple of years together so everyone is getting to know each other quite well now. Perhaps I don’t have to worry about the lack of extended family so much as I have been. I do not want to teach my children to beg for crumbs.

Goodness - do we have the same brother!! My DDs wouldn’t have recognised their uncle if he passed them in the street (or vice-a- versa) - he was not in their lives, never came to any celebrations as was always off on a football / golf piss-up or clubbing etc. He had a baby in his late 40s when my 2 had left home and is constantly on the scrounge for childcare and joint holidays. He isn't with the mother (don’t blame her) but his expectation that all the female family members will automatically care for his DD when he rocks up to get pissed at a family wedding, event etc boils my blood. I keep my distance and tell my DDs not be the default carer whilst their feckless uncle gets pissed.

I agree @Ladybyrd I don’t understand how they can’t see (feel I guess) how absolutely precious and vulnerable every single child is. A lot of people don’t have a clue about children. One of my sister’s friends once said about her baby that even at that age they were already manipulating you. Because ‘they cried their lungs out, but as soon as you came in the room, they stopped, so there was obviously nothing wrong’ ?!?!! No, this was not a joke.And this was an intelligent women.

@Eeriefairy would you mind saying which book that is, it might be good for me to read it? Thank you for your advice about how to go into this talk. I get really nervous talking to her, and this kind of plan will be very useful for me to stick with it. I am not sure I would find never talking to her again a good outcome, though, that would feel like I failed to be honest. Even though I know it takes two people to have a relationship. But yeah, it would reinforce that I AM the outsider in the family. I just can’t do the superficial once in a blue moon visits any more, just because we should or something. It’s been a few years now where I’ve felt she just meets up because she feels she has to, otherwise it would look bad. It’s the ‘showing an interest’ rather than actually ‘being interested’. But let’s see, she may not know how to deal with the situation now and we will get somewhere if we talk.

@Mywhitedress Mine had my brother in a bed with them until 4 (not criticising - we cosleep). Then told me proudly they put me straight in a crib. He’s a 54 year old man still living with and financially reliant on them. If my relationship broke down, I know I’d have nowhere to go. They just don’t support me at all.

@Mywhitedress its called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and it’s by Lindsay Gibson. It was recommended on a thread around Christmas time that someone started for people with emotionally immature parents, as they present different challenges than obviously abusive parents at least in that there can be degrees of emotional immaturity and the different presentations affect you/the family dynamics in different ways. Of course emotionally immature parents can be properly text-book abusive, it’s just more likely for people to simply be NC with them, or that there is more black and white advice about having relationships with them.

It’s basically a self-help book that talks about growing up with emotionally immature parents, what it might be like now, how to deal with these people (if you choose to) and how to heal and become emotionally mature yourself.

It might be a shame for you to lose all contact with your DSis, but if she isn’t really interested in having a proper relationship with you and listening to your perspective then what are you really losing? (Obviously I’m hoping for you that that’s not how it goes, but you just can’t guarantee someone else’s reactions or their part of the conversation).

I would have thought the only way forward would be to accept that both have different experiences and not ask each other to validate each others experience. Then draw a line and ask for relationship outside of the situation. No one brings in the past etc.

@MustIgo It is not just the past, though. It is ongoing. With elderly parents that are being cared for by said sister, and then my dad being ill and dying, it's not that easy. Judgment does happen, we are spending a lot more time together unavoidably, decisions need to be made, and I am not willing to stay out of the situation entirely, because I have a right to say goodbye and enjoy what me and my parents did and do have (no matter how little it is), Honestly, I never thought I would care when it would get to this stage, but weirdly I do.

@Eeriefairy ah, I have heard of it, actually, thank you. I might see if I can get it at the library. Enough self-help books in my house already to buy another one!

@Mywhitedress I’ve not read any other self-help books, but it was recommended by a few posters on the other thread so I gave it a go. It’s all research/studies and real people’s stories from therapy that illustrate the points she’s making. I found it very helpful - it just made it all so clear. It hasn’t been like a magic wand that’s made all my problems go away, but it’s helped to put everything I went through my whole life into perspective and understand what’s possible or not possible with continuing a relationship with my parents.