MARCH 2026 - Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

have now set up a new thread as the previous one is now full.
This long runnning thread has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.
The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!
One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;
'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'
Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.
Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.
NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.
You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.
'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.
I started with this book and found it really useful.
Here are some excerpts:
"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.
Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.
Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:
"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.
YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".
"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.
YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".
"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."
"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"
"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."
"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."
Helpful Websites
Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat for details.
Some books:
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa
This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:
"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."
6

I suppose they have a different plan for us and that’s rigid. I can’t fathom having a plan for my children. All I want is for them to be happy in whatever they do. I was not part of this family’s plan. I would say I’ve gone and split it into a different direction, that’s not a bad thing. I know my H has had many opportunities to find a different partner but he chose me for a reason. He can’t make a decision for shit so he needed someone who isn’t afraid to speak up otherwise his mum would be running his life forever.

@SamandAnnie unfortunately, yes. My DH has been NC with his mum and sibling before now but he always goes back to at least LC. His sibling is really awful and treats people appallingly, and so doesn’t really have anyone else. My DH feels guilty if he doesn’t talk to them. He and his sibling have shared childhood trauma that my DH feels like his sibling hasn’t processed as well as he has (which is true) but that makes him make allowances.

In all honesty, my DH isn’t entirely trusting of other people for understandable reasons and so he doesn’t have loads of other people in his life either. He doesn’t constantly fall out with people like his family, but keeps people at arms length and deep down believes they intend to use him as that’s almost all he’s known. He says “better the devil you know” about his contact with his family.

Like others have said, I think they would be popular people really if they weren’t completely devoid of human kindness. They are clever, educated, funny, have broad interests. There’s just this one little thing that doesn’t always show itself…

@Eeriefairy that’s what I think also, they have so many positive qualities they don’t need to behave like this. It’s like they don’t see themselves. Me and the MIL have a lot of things in common, we could be friends. But those things we have In common that to me form the basis of a relationship mean nothing. It is odd. I don’t think they form relationships in a normal way. Which is why I just can’t and only people who’ve grown like this can or the ones they can trick. Something like you say is just missing.

Hi everyone, hope you've all had a nice bank holiday.

I've dipped in and out of this thread for quite some time now. I have not been on here for a while though. I guess I've distanced myself from my parents more and don't rely on them.
However there are still moments that they get to me. Like today.

My dad was in one of his funny moods and decided he would keep digging at me but it is always dressed up as a "joke" and if you say anything back then you don't have a sense of humour. He does it to my mum too and has since we were little, he even used to try and get me and my sister to laugh at her too. Few times he made her cry in front of us.
Same usual things, saying im "slow" or "lazy" when in fact I have ADHD and find things difficult sometimes and couple that with an iron deficency! Then I was telling them how I really hurt my leg but tripped over an object, he was not sympathetic and instead told me the moral of the story was to not put things on the floor. I told him I have no storage space, he could easily help me he is in the building trade but chooses not to help me. I've asked him so many times to help but nothing ever happens.
My mum is so self centred too. They never ask me how I actually am. It's always what they have been up to or about their lives.
I've come home and cried tonight because my dad can just been so mean. I've constantly been fed this narrative that im lazy. My self-esteem has always been so low and still is.

Also something I wanted to ask if it was just me or not. I just feel so lonely. I find friendships/relationships so tough. I don't trust people and I find it hard navigating them. I guess I've isolated myself in a way to protect myself but I just feel so lonely!

I don't know why I still keep a relationship with them. I always come away feeling rubbish about myself. I also have a difficult sister who over current years I have felt has been so self centred too, just like our mum. Her personality is exactly like hers and she never puts her kids first. She has ruined days out because of it and I find it really hard to be around her.

Sorry I feel that was such a big rant. Just feeling rubbish and low tonight. Doesn't help when you see all the social media posts of families looking happy.

90sbaby

It’s not you, it’s them. They are the root cause of your low self worth and self esteem. They’ve put you down your entire life and continue to do so. People from
dysfunctional families end up playing roles and your sister is far more favoured. She is also a carbon copy of her mother. You in turn are the scapegoat for all their inherent ills.

You still seek their approval but it’s approval they will never give you. FOG is also very much present here: fear obligation and guilt and you are mired in these. These are three buttons your parents put into you and press as and when they see fit.

You need to reduce all future contact levels with your parents and sister down to zero sum as they affect you so very much. With you out if the picture hopefully they will then turn against each other. You need radiators in your life, not drains and they are a drain on your life.

Do seek therapy re your parents and rebuild your life without them in it. As for your iron deficiency is that period related?. There is help out there for you re this if that is the case. Do not suffer in silence.

And do stop looking at social media photos of families supposedly looking happy because it’s merely performative for the cameras and likes. Remove yourself entirely from social media, you really do not need it.

Can I just ask what happens to a child when their mother doesn’t want to know/or can’t recognise there inner world? My H seems to have adapted to life but I feel he is more sensitive than he lets on. I take it if the mum recognises herself in the child then this child is favoured? Or does the child force itself to be like the parent to get love, the child more able to because they aren’t as sensitive or “needy”. I’m guessing the parent is too rigid to bend towards the child ? Once all of this has happened do grown up kids realise that their parents have never wanted to understand their inner world or have they been so enmeshed you can’t pull them apart?

The golden child in my family is like the extended limb as was described. But my H also has lots of the same views but he doesn’t have this competition or greed, how did this happen. I would have thought he would be jealous of his brother but he isn’t at all. They certainly talk a lot about him and his achievements in front but he almost is as proud as they are. If it were me I’d be upset if my parents didn’t praise me and my sibling the same.

@MustIgo its hard to say. My DH grew up knowing his mum was abusive as kids generally know what is and isn’t normal (or even against the law) by a certain age. So they all knew it wasn’t them (in their case). I know others are more subtle and the response must be more complicated.

My DH was lucky in having other adult influences to look up to so he tried to emulate them more than his mum I guess. But also still has mixed feelings in that deep down he at least sometimes believes he must have been unlovable. But rationally he’s been through enough therapy etc to know it’s her problem. You can’t just flip a switch though. I know he cares about his mum and GC even though he knows they don’t really care about him. Could be similar for yours? He still loves and is proud of his sibling?

My H sees nothing wrong in his upbringing. So who am I to say anything really. They are used to the no nonsense, get on with it and be resilient attitude. But my H also has major cracks (as we all do but like you say many of us are more self aware and no that some of the ways we were raised wasn’t quite right). I have challenged and changed many of the ways I was raised. My parents don’t have a problem with this, things change. My H’s upbringing was perfect and he kind of copies. Same holidays, same preferences, same responses to things, same answers to questions. They behave in many ways as carbon copies, there is not generational shift which I think is very common, it’s a different world now. Much more about self awareness and feelings. It’s natural to move on isn’t it but still honour your past but not to a T? Families are built from a mix of all sorts. Mine is quite brainwashed it feels, enough to not challenge but not enough to be a golden child who craves attention. I can only imagine how this affects a persons identity, what they could have been if they had been shown empathy and their sensitivities grown.

Thank you for the advice. I definitely have guilt and obligation, no longer fear. With them its like a thousand small cuts, its so subtle what they do to destroy my self esteem.
I dont need them as much anymore because my son is older now but im still a single parent and some help from time to time would be nice. They see it as when we turned 18 we aren't really their problem anymore. They see us as a burden if we ever get in the way of their plans. I mean I gave birth and 2 weeks later they were on an amazing 2 week holiday and I was at home with PND, looking after their elderly dog because they asked me to. They knew when my birth day was and decided to go away soon after.
Ive had so much counselling over the last 10 years. I cant afford it atm and I can only have it bi weekly because of childcare arrangements. So frustrating.
I want to have healthy relationships and friendships. I just feel its impossible.
I also feel I need something different now other than a talking therapy. Im very aware of the whys etc I just need to try change my belief system that Im not all these things my parents say I am.

Golden children they must get unwell often?. All that pushing and achieving uses energy. I thought my MIL was encouraging and pushing for the benefit of others. A good mother teaches the importance of rest and it’s ok and not failing to sit and relax and do nothing. Thinking about it I too I often feel guilt for doing nothing, is this common? Their whole sense of worth must come from doing something? Lucky my H is happy to sit.

I've been very close to almost NC for some time with my mum. Sibling full NC over 2 years.

I'm pleasant but cut off every possible interaction,/ comms as quickly as possible with my mum.

Two very short interactions this week have set me back severely.

They were on the surface ' pleasant ' but it was horrible to be part of and these very small interactions ( I saw mostly after in hindsight) were quick fire non stop baiting and desperate attempts at supply/ attention.

You never stop WANTING a normal, open, honest connection with someone when you are a non NPD person I now realise. So you can still be set back when you as a non NPD person go back and interact.

I'm glad I managed to avoid alot without realising I was doing it. ' I don't want to get involved in that.' ref fall out with my siblings.

No, I don't really want to read that message train, here's your phone back( trying to bait me and show off ).

Then, it's my son. He's staying there for a few days because her other toys ( grandchildren) aren't accessible ATM due to a recent fall out. I understand you have to let people see and experience the impact of these people on a personal level - so I understand that I must say absolutely nothing and do nothing and at this age and stage , let me son experience what he will.

My reply as she gleefully tells me- very matter of fact was ' sounds great. have a lovely weekend together. You don't need to ask my permission for anything. I've got to go now. Bye'.

This has made me understand why people go total NC. I now want to progress to this stage.

I feel utterly trapped with neighbours I can't stand who I have to hear talk, breathe, belch, slam doors from morning til after 12am regularly. My mum went out her way to befriend them. So mentally it feels so tough to manage this. I'm in social housing.

For those far along in this - does complete NC over time reduce the level of internal reactions you feel?

There's going to be severe attempts to gain supply through my son now. And that's the one connection to me. There will be baiting attempts through him.

The stress, the energy consumption, the pain these creatures cause is beyond words now I see it.

Everything I read and watch says you cannot heal until you're away from them with NC and I really see it. I still hate that I have to go totally alone here with absolutely no one of any decent worth ( compassionate , not NPD creatures) in my life.

I want so much for the natural order of things to mean these people really are punished, by karma, by anything. It feels so utterly unfair. I believe the main creature, my mother z has significantly contributed to my considerable ill health, my reduced quality of life, all sorts. And I don't like to see people blaming parents for everything - but this woman is beyond my comprehension in terms of capacity for harm.

It's difficult if you're used to SM - yet, being entirely off all platform ( except MN) is incredibly helpful ime. It is very freeing, I see nothing that triggers negative feelings online from people I know ( that's all SM does I believe), and no one sees a thing about my life.

It's abject torture to see the behaviour of these creatures online on top of the physical interactions and long standing internal mental programming.

@IWasIAAPwhat a fantastic update I am so happy for you and your family

In the last argument I had with my parents, my dad was bringing up old, (irrelevant to the subject we were supposed to be discussing), perceived slights and rewriting history about them. I know my mum doesn’t agree with everything he says, but she doesn’t actually step in and say “that’s not what happened” or “what has all that old stuff got to do with this” or anything like that.

My DH says she has to take his side, because she has to live with him. That basically, at the end of the argument I’ll go home and I won’t have to listen to him anymore, but she can’t do that. She’ll get it in the ear for hours/days/who knows how long. But I find it really difficult. And even though I feel like I’d like to take a less personal attitude about it, it hurts and I feel angry with her.

I feel like in some ways, I’d like to forgive them both for their shortcomings, and try to move on. But it isn’t happening. In reality I half dread seeing them because I don’t know what direction the communication might go in. Is an argument going to erupt out of nowhere again? I can’t entirely trust them not to do this, so what happens is I just don’t get in touch and don’t arrange to see them. The last time I did it was because I felt pressured into it, and I was on edge the whole time wondering if the conversation was going to veer into argument territory. It wasn’t relaxing or all that nice to see them because of it. But not seeing them is painful in another way.

I don’t suppose I’m going to get a magic answer from anyone, because I know this whole thread is about those difficult, painful relationships. I was warned in the book I read that finding these answers might lay the groundwork for a new kind of fantasy of how things “could be” and to guard against that. And that’s probably what I’m doing really. Knowing that they can’t change, I’m still hoping that there could be some way of me forgiving and “moving on” and everything being ok, or at least tolerable or something. But maybe it’s just always going to be painful and difficult in some way.

eeriefairy

You do not have to forgive them. They are who they are and they are not going to change, you are going to have to let go of any and all hope that they will change. It is not your fault your parents are like this and you did not make them that way.

Maybe nothing much will happen if you decide not to get in touch with them. What realistically can either do other than to continue to raise tired old arguments against you?. They may well send in the flying monkeys but as they are not wanting to hear your side of things their opinion can be ignored.

Does anyone else have complicated relationships with their siblings too?
I feel like when me and my sister were younger we got on a lot better. Ever since she has had children, I struggle with her. I see her repeating the same pattern as our parents. I feel i can see she is quite self-centred and I've always been there when she's needed me. However this is not reciprocated.
I've just felt lonely recently and have been really struggling. I feel like no one checks in with me and it's always me doing that. I see families and just crave a normal one with support, love and help. I feel all my relationships/friendships are hard work because of my parents and childhood. I don't know how to change my life.

Thank you @AttilaTheMeerkat I rationally know it’s not my fault and that they won’t change and there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s just hard to stop myself feeling like maybe I could be “the bigger person” after always being the one who tries to fix things and takes the responsibility for overlooking or moving on etc. But I know that one way or the other it would still be a painful relationship, or I could choose to accept the pain of not having one.

I have massively pulled back. I have only seen them once in the last 2 months. After I resisted offering to help when their car was off the road, my mum sent a message a few days later mentioning how long it would be until the garage would have the part they needed to fix it. I just offered sympathy and that was all I heard again for weeks.

I suppose I’m thinking if this sporadic contact carries on there will likely be some kind of confrontation about it. But not in a sensible “let’s sort this out” way. The last argument we had arose from an offhand comment my mum made (she is passive aggressive rather than direct) and I challenged her on it and the whole thing blew up.

They don’t really have any flying monkeys to send. My DSis did suggest I could do more to help my mum’s mood by taking her out for lunch maybe once a week so she could “unload”. I told her about reading the book and that I believe our parents are emotionally immature/borderline abusive. She agreed but we didn’t have chance to talk properly. Anyway, all that is to say I don’t think she’ll try to push anything like that again.

Sod being the so called bigger person here. What does that mean anyway?. That does not equate to you further being a doormat.

I am so glad you turned down your sisters idea of taking your mother once a week out to unload. Why can’t she do it?. It is because she does not want to so thought you could do that instead.

Your sister could be a flying monkey here and she did not act in your best interests . You should never sct as your mothers unpaid therapist. Bake had a brass neck to ask you that in the first place.

If your mother does want to unload she should pay to see a therapist. She also gets what she wants out of the relationship she had with your dad so she is unlikely to ever leave.

You have given me some food for thought. Especially the fact that I don’t have to be the bigger person and that I am being treated a bit like an appliance (maybe not quite a doormat, which I think is where the hesitation comes from?) but still not an equal, important family member requiring the same level of support I’m expected to provide.

@90sbaby123 Yes, I think this is the same for me. I don’t have any advice though, I’m just starting to recognise and process it all myself.

@Eeriefairyi haven’t forgiven dsis for what she has done and in the beginning i was so angry and hurt but i have accepted what she has done and that we will no longer have a relationship for my own mental wellbeing. I am not responsible for her and dm behaviour i didn’t deserve it and it’s unfair I am responsible for how I react and respond to them and the situation.

The problem i have now is looking back at so many red flags i ignored the rewriting history the putting me and other people down that i just rolled my eyes at instead of confronting them setting boundaries with them because they are my family.

I did not realise I was subject to incredibly abusive behaviour from my sibling going back to childhood. ( I've had / have relationships with many abusive people; family and an ex).

In adulthood, emotional abuse and threats intensified severely from sibling. This sibling is male and much bigger than me.

I also acted as an apologist at times for this sibling without fully realising it. My sibling has hurt many people but I would fall for the victim narrative and probably was a flying monkey almost. But it was blindly so.

My parent has been appallingly responsible for a great deal; tormenting my sibling, enabling and covering up awful behaviour, preferential treatment towards me at times growing up ( I was the fawning people pleaser daughter).

So I see the victim in my sibling but now see they are choosing to engage in unacceptable abuse, cruelty, manipulation and hurt.

Thanks to ongoing years of therapy, this is one person I've found it relatively easy to NoContact. Now seeing with clear eyes, I'm pretty horrified by them. I didn't realise how bad this all was until quite recently when No contact has been the situation for a few years.

It takes a lot of help, supporr outside the abusive family network, therapy, reading, learning and going back again and again for more torment for many of us to see it finally and act accordingly in our best interests.

90s baby I pulled back massively a while ago from being there for everyone. I include friends in this too. Whilst people may be nice people, that doesn't necessarily mean they have the capacity or desire to support us. I decided that if this was the case, the only way to level things and make them equal was if I pulled back from providing support too. That way, I'm able to deal with whatever life throws at me using my own resilience, it may not feel good but I can do it and I have the capacity to help myself because I'm not constantly spending all my energies on others.

I've become quite jaded with the concept of love and support as I've gotten older. I've seen numerous relatives die in care homes with only their children visiting sporadically. I've moved home several times and left numerous jobs, seen others do the same and most of the time people who we're close to in these circumstances and might even consider friends are never seen or heard from again. I've gone through several hard times and similarly seen friends disappear without trace. It's lead me to the belief that for the most part, the notion of a supportive society is a myth.

The only people who might care about you enough to check in on you and offer support when the chips are down seems to be your partner if they're decent (and still alive) and your children, if you haven't alienated them by being toxic! Or if they haven't moved abroad for work etc, or fallen on hard times themselves and can't provide any practical support, or whatever other reason might render them less than helpful. So basically what I'm saying is that when all is said and done, we only have ourselves to truly rely on, especially those without a partner or children.

I'm not saying we shouldn't form social connections, but that it's a bonus if we get any support or help from anyone and we shouldn't expect it, because that's not how life works. There's no harm in wanting it anyway, it's not an unreasonable thing to want, but it's important to face reality that we're not going to get it, especially from toxic family members. Then the situation becomes an exercise in dealing with our feelings about it all and not about attempting to get the things we can't have - love and support from our FOO.

The toxic ones do affect everything. All the siblings except me now are enmeshed with Narc1. Maybe Narc2 isn't enmeshed any more, I'm unsure, but they're definitely a FM and definitely take part in appeasing Narc1 themselves at times.
I can't be 100% honest with any siblings or other relatives about who I am, how my life is going etc because I can't tell anyone anything that I don't want Narc1 or Narc2 to know, the others will tell them. There's huge geographical distance between me and the relatives I get along with. If we lived closer we'd probably have a better relationship. There's no animosity but I could die on 1st January and unless someone told them, they wouldn't notice until December and even then they might think I was being off with them for some reason and do nothing. They've had years of listening to Narc1 about how I'm the kind of person who is off with people for no reason, how I'm a difficult character etc and all the other character assassinations that tend to occur when narcs aren't getting their own way. I'm not like that at all, but when someone hears something often enough from who they believe is a trusted source, they naturally start to believe it. I believe all toxic parents put a spanner in the works of all sibling relationships.

This resonated with me. I think it sounds like it may apply to @90sbaby123 as well. In a dysfunctional family we are all expected to perform a role.
I've realised that for years I just accepted my role as 'the sensible/capable one'; the one who was assumed to never need any help but was expected to drop everything to help the rest of the family, never make a fuss and keep up the appearance of a lovely caring family. I assumed that the one-sided nature of things was just because by chance I happened to find things easier and need less than siblings. It took me a long time to see that I was basically seen as an appliance/resource. Once I started to say 'no' and prioritise my own DC/work/DH the reaction was very much like you would expect if an appliance stopped working- a fair amount of swearing/shouting, attempts to force it to work as usual, attempts to fix the faulty appliance (by arguing/persuading/shouting) but never any attempt to understand the appliance's perspective or that maybe the appliance is under no obligation to work. It's hard but I've found that I have to give up on the idea of having a supportive extended family. Attempts to try to rebuild have only resulted in being expected to go back to the old ways, and even more disbelief/aggression if I won't.