Dreading empty nest as husband grows grumpier with age

[terracottasucculent]

Been with DH a long time. 3 young adult/teen kids - oldest 2nd year uni, youngest doing GCSEs. We are early 50s.

He's a good man and I would say that broadly we've had a happy marriage. There's been a degree of financial/career stress in recent years which hasn't been easy - but we've kept it together and aware people have gone through worse.

However, I feel an increasing sense of dread about the future - when the kids have properly flown the nest and it's just us. They are such lovely and fun young people (most of the time anyway 😂) but DH has just got grumpier with age. He's always had a short fuse and in recent years it's become a bit worse I think.

Aware we've probably got another decade max of uni years/kids boomeranging back and forth...but then what? Our pensions aren't great and I imagine we will be working for another 15 years or so.

Our relationship has many strengths/good things, and he's not a grumpy idiot all the time - BUT I just don't relish the thought of being alone with a frequently-irritable old man, without the 'buffer' of a busy family life. How do others cope with this?

Do you think it's possible he could be suffering from depression? In my first marriage, my husband was depressed and was exhibited by him being angry over minor things that would slide off the backs of the average person. He was also very defensive and his brain seemed to take something not meant as an insult as an insult.

Perhaps you could have a discussion with him, speaking to him in a way you believe would be the best way to coerce him to speak to a doctor about diagnosing anxiety/depression and if antidepressants could help.

Unfortunately, it took me asking for a divorce to have my husband seek help. He actually got on anti-depressants and saw a therapist for 2 and a half years. I thought my prayers were answered but after that period of bliss, he said he never meant to stay on the pills forever and would wean himself off. I begged him not to, but he did and became even worse. So after some time, I eventually went through with a divorce. I have happily remarried since.

As for now, I would stop worrying about the distant future and concentrate on the present. Perhaps it's a pattern of his own making, but you are focused on the happy children since they are pleasant to be around, while he's someone to be tolerated. I don't blame you, but perhaps if you change your behavior toward him, he will become a bit more pleasant to be around. I'd plan a fun date night/day and do an activity that's far different than the normal dinner or a movie. Maybe take turns planning a once a month date. Let him know you value couples time with him, even if you have to fake it until you make it.

Loving touch besides intimacy is also key. Maybe give each other a foot or back rub while watching TV. Being proactive now and trying to make improvements in the present might alleviate your fears of the future. Changing your own behavior is the best way to change another's behavior. Good luck.

Glad I found this thread as I have been having the exact same thoughts myself recently. We've got one at uni and two at home doing GCSE's this year. We both work full time and have to do a lot of driving in the evenings & one day at the weekend for DD's sport so we don't actually see that much of each other right now - on a typical week one of us will be out with DD 3 evenings a week. DH can be grumpy and has very little patience with the teens and nags them a lot. By his own admission he found them easier when they were little whereas I am the other way round and much prefer them now!

My main issue will be that we'll have nothing to talk about. On the rare evenings when we're both in, we sit there practically in silence and I end up just going to bed early to watch TV and read. The thought of that being my life 7 days a week fills me with utter dread. I think we're both tired from working full time & neither of us can be bothered to hold a conversation in the evening. Maybe it would be different if we were retired but there's no chance of that happening any time soon for financial reasons.

Thank you @Crikeyalmighty , that is pretty much what I mean yes. Being a lone/single woman (particularly one who leaves their husband after 30+ years) is not all sunshine and roses, and cruises, and cool apartments in London overlooking the River Thames, surplus income, lots of friends - old and new- and a fabulous social life. For many as you say, it's a relentless, and hard and lonely slog.

The Bridget Jones kind of scenario some posters speak of on here is the exception rather than the rule, and the fact is that there will be more women finding it hard to go it alone, than there will be women who find it absolutely wonderful, and utter bliss living alone.

And as some posters have said, these grumpy, Victor Meldrew types in their late 40s to early 60s, often pass through that phase and come out the other end more cheerful and light, with more humour in them. My DH was a grumpy fecker for a few years in his late 40s/early 50s, but I was no Angel! I can be a miserable fecker too. Some days I CBA to speak for half an hour when I get up in the morning!!! And even now he grates on me now and again because he is a bit needy, and always wants to chat. I have to tell him sometimes 'stop talking please!' when I can't concentrate on what I am reading.

But for the most part, we do get on, and do have some fun times together, and I really wouldn't want to be alone. I sometimes wish he would get out a bit more, and get a couple of hobbies, and he rarely leaves the house (apart from work - 3 days one week, 4 days the next.) I have hobbies and friends and have time away from the house, but he doesn't.

But yeah, as I said, the LTB/leave your husband if you're not happy in your marriage comments are ludicrous IMO, because it's not as easy as just packing up your stuff into a couple of suitcases and riding off into the sunset. Life alone for many women is difficult, and a real financial struggle. At least TRY to make things work, give the marriage a go. Don't just bloody leave. As I said before, where are all these women meant to go?! Where are they all going to live? How are they going to afford it??!?!

I could have written this 7-10 years ago. Glad things are improving for you and your DH!

One thing we have done (initiated by me!) in recent years is to have one “event” every month in the diary. This can be anything from a pub quiz to our main summer holiday, to a concert or day trip. But it’s there in the diary and provides a) something to look forward to and b) something out of the ordinary day to day mundanity where we spend time together. This is what I mean by having a plan. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

When we found ourselves in your position OP I had a frank conversation with DH about his grumpiness. I told him that I didn't want to spend the rest of my days with a man who became grumpier and that I didn't want him to spend his precious days being a miserable old sod. I said that as far as I could see we all have a choice to be happy or a mardy bastard and that he needed to think about what he was becoming. I was really, REALLY blunt.

That was ten years ago or more now. He God bless him, had a good think about it and is now the sweetest, happiest man. I don't think he realised he could make his days happier, he was modelling his life on the men in his family. The discussion freed him up and released him to be himself.

That's great news @PottingBench

Just joining for solidarity... oh me too. Where did this grumpy old man come from ? Stressing over everything. In my case i have hobbies, circles of friends, loving life but im dreading retirement as he will expect me to fill his days...

You do not have to live together the rest of your lives.
If he acknowledges an issue he can seek help.
You can seek support too.
Talk and tell him that behaviours x and y are causing you to reconsider your future together. But you want to ralk about it. See if he listens.

Thank you OP for starting this thread.

I feel it might run and run, as many of us started our journey on MN as parent of young children.
It is a natural progression from the frenetic chaos of life with small children, to them growing up and eventually flying the nest.
Maybe it’s time for MN to start a new ‘Empty nest’ category 😂

If it’s any consolation my dad was like this - the grumpiest, most short-tempered man I’ve ever known from about 50 onwards…. then grandchildren came along and he was transformed! Totally involved, fun-loving grandpa and he’s continued to mellow.

Might be worth your DH having a health check - loads of men struggle with anxiety and low mood, low testosterone, pre-diabetes etc which all affect mood, and which can all be improved.

Personally I think it's worth a serious and very honest talk, possibly with a marriage counsellor or other neutral third party, where you tell him things need to change and he needs to either get help/manage his moods better.

I would involve the third party so that he is forced to recognise how seriously you're taking this and to stop him just blowing you off.

I think sometimes what a lot of older women want is some time and space on their own including some evenings and if you have a bloke who isn’t a play golf kind of chap or doesn’t have lots of local friends it can start to feel a bit 24/7 - it’s easy to say ‘well go away with friends’ etc - but quite often you might not have friends able to do this or indeed the kind of relationship where you feel you can do this without a lot of harrumphing from H or partner - I honestly think many relationships of older people blow up due to lack of time and space to do your own thing and giving that space willingly and in good grace would be a hell of a lot cheaper than divorce!

We communicated through the dog. Then separated.

Well exactly @Crikeyalmighty I have 4 or 5 friends, but not any who I would go away with. We get on great and have pub lunches and coffees together, but going away together is a different kettle of fish. I really don't think I would want to go away with them on holiday..... Nothing wrong with them, it's just me. I am very private, and wouldn't want to be on holiday with anyone but my DH.

Well, maybe one of my adult DC (or both) I would go on holiday with, but I don't have any friends who I would want to go away with, and yes, whilst my DH wouldn't kick off or try to make me feel bad, he would be like a sad dog, like 😔and I would just feel a bit bad leaving him. 2 or 3 days maybe, but any longer and he wouldn't know what to do with himself! (God knows how he will cope if I die first!) 😬

But as you say (and I and a few others have said,) surely just working your way around these things, and maybe forging a couple of new friendships, and starting some new hobbies, and having some time away from your husband, is a better idea than leaving/divorcing!

Ironically, with many women, if they did leave their husband, they would have all the time in the world to do what they want and go where they want, (without him there,) but they wouldn't be able to go to many places, or do much, because they wouldn't be able to afford it now they're having to pay all their rent and bills on their own!

Why can't you go solo? I do solo trips because my friends can't come. Luckily DH is very independent and doesn't do the sad puppy routine. I would hate that..He does his own solo trips and has hobbies of his own. I would hate to do everything together, and I don't feel bad at all about leaving him. He's not a toddler! It's up to him to occupy himself.

Sorry to disappear - got pulled into work stuff.

Thank you all so much for thoughts. Wonderful to read all the responses, and so happy it is resonating for so many....well, not happy we are all struggling with similar issues, but great we can all relate to each other and offer advice!

I will think more and absorb all the advice. Want to flag @CharlotteRumpling 's words here - 'I don't want to spend my one wild and precious life thinking about the dishwasher.' Absolutely love that. 😂 I agree and thank you xx

@ScorpionLioness79 It's not OP's job to change her husband's behaviour, that's on him.

OP, I get this is difficult, as I have experienced a depressed/anxious husband for years.

The thing that has helped me most is focussing on a much broader and also deeper mixture of other connections (online and real life) and activities (gym etc) and listening to a lot of podcasts.

I also apply the Mirroring technique in conversation. I try to never take on board another person's negative emotions as anything really to do with me and see it as "about them" although I express a willingness to care or help them with it.

I also encourage him to have his own friends, hobbies and independent activities which he has been cultivating for a few years now. I do think men need some "men friends " and women need some "women friends " because it's hard to fully empathise with another gender.

We also had about 12 sessions of good quality counselling.

These techniques have helped me a lot and my DH apologises when he sees the sometimes hurtful negative effect of his behaviour and tries to correct it. This works because I am not "blaming" him - so he instead wants to self-correct - because he can see for himself that I am never or rarely contributing to his unhappiness.

I don't thank god.

Life is lovely and peaceful.

Solo mum of adult son.

I did leave, after 34 years together, 29 of them married. I am fine financially and a lot happier. Have my own house, and the current Mr Bats (we aren't married) doesn't live with me. ExH is still grumpily moaning away on his own ...

DH is away on a solo trip of his own today. We have both done solo trips this month. Helps a lot! No harrumphing from either of us.

I have been thinking about this and I am seriously considering living with my mum for maybe 4 days every other week when DH retires. I know this would be a nightmare for some of you 😃But I get along well with her. Always have. And she needs support.

I must be alone here in thinking that I too am quite grumpy and negative sometimes.

In the nicest possible way, it sounds like you've been a bit confrontational with him, so no surprise the hackles go straight up..in the vein of Ross Greene, try a neutral time together with no time demands, ideally a walk or something with no kids around? "I've noticed that you're finding it hard to be patient with the kids like you used to, what's up?" He might be worrying about retirement income, fed up with work, wondering what else there is to life..etc etc, sounds like a proper convo is needed though!

All of this, some of these posts about over-dependent, clingy, somewhat emotionally-stunted men are making me appreciate DH very much! Empty nest going into retirement is a whole life phase and a massive change, which deserves proper conversations and plans about it, well in advance! My youngest is only 4 and I'm already planning it 😂 Wistfully..