Dreading empty nest as husband grows grumpier with age

[terracottasucculent]

Been with DH a long time. 3 young adult/teen kids - oldest 2nd year uni, youngest doing GCSEs. We are early 50s.

He's a good man and I would say that broadly we've had a happy marriage. There's been a degree of financial/career stress in recent years which hasn't been easy - but we've kept it together and aware people have gone through worse.

However, I feel an increasing sense of dread about the future - when the kids have properly flown the nest and it's just us. They are such lovely and fun young people (most of the time anyway 😂) but DH has just got grumpier with age. He's always had a short fuse and in recent years it's become a bit worse I think.

Aware we've probably got another decade max of uni years/kids boomeranging back and forth...but then what? Our pensions aren't great and I imagine we will be working for another 15 years or so.

Our relationship has many strengths/good things, and he's not a grumpy idiot all the time - BUT I just don't relish the thought of being alone with a frequently-irritable old man, without the 'buffer' of a busy family life. How do others cope with this?

You don't have to put up with a grumpy old git stropping around the place and ruining things. There is always the option of splitting up. Imagine a life without pandering to someone else's horrible moods - it is bliss.

It may be worth a set of a few couples counselling sessions, to reset things for this next phase.

Definitely. I run a community choir and facilitated and conducted many singing projects. I have seen what it can do for people.

I agree about that - it’s the low level nit picking that is annoying - in my Hs case it’s non stop political ranting too - ( he’s actually very much in the middle so it’s ranting about the extreme aspects on both sides of the political spectrum) - I myself am quite political and gave similar views, but he’s on another level!! At this stage if I was well off and in a position to get by on my own I would honestly prefer separate places and see him twice a week and the odd holiday , I’m just pre state pension age by a couple of years.

Are we all married to the same man? DH is always off politically ranting and he's centrist too. But recently when I ranted about the Iran war, apparently I was being " negative" and " exhausting". I don't understand him sometimes. Other times we are fine!

You need something to do out of the house, with other people, so that you are not entirely reliant on your husband for company/entertainment.

Ah yes, ranting if coming from
me is ‘not allowed’ and exhausting . it’s the same if I look at my phone for half an hour without speaking, it’s the ‘ what’s wrong, give your phone a rest’ - however he will do it for very long lengths of time too and play games on his phone- but that’s totally fine apparently . I do think guys this age become very self centred and don’t see that they moan about the very things you may do, that they themselves do . If I’m honest I found it more bearable when our son was around and there was someone else around to lighten the load, which is why I’m always bit eyebrow raised at people who think it will all be magically much improved if they don’t have kids at home, maybe it is if you have an easy going placid H but if you don’t it doesn’t just magically get back to where you were pre kids, the chances are you have both changed, my H has def more of a short fuse and I think I am less tolerant of things that ‘don’t suit’ if I’m honest. Life changes you in many cases

so ‘happy’ to see this thread. Makes my life seem not so unique!
DD’s are 20 & 24. One still at uni and one living at home while she saves for her own place. I’m early fifties he’s late fifties.
he’s becoming more and more detached from joy in life, instead focusing on trivial things.
His latest is turning off the landing light from downstairs before I’ve even reached the top! DD and I navigate the dark using our phones, yet on a Sunday morning he’ll have the side lights on in the living room til Monday 😂
He sweats the small stuff far more than he ever did before.
He’s also internalising so much more.
I had breast cancer (hopefully cured) a year ago and it seemed to send him into a tail spin.

as for money, he’s panicking like crazy about savings. Apparently we are suddenly so poor that we have to question every expenditure in minute detail. Yet when it comes to the dog all bets are off!

living with him at the moment is like living with a stranger. The girls and I struggle with it.
when I point it out to him he can recognise his almost irrational behaviours.
But honestly, it feels as if he’s going through a manopause rather than me.

I find taking deep breaths and drinking lots of wine helps somewhat.

I would love to have my old DH back, nothing was insurmountable, now everything seems to be the end of times

I would like my old H back too . I can see how easily divorce happens as despite shared history it’s like being with someone you wouldn’t have now picked

Gotta love the way posters hop onto this kind of thread and just say 'leave if you're unhappy with your husband.' Where on earth are all women who have been with their husband 30-35+ years, meant to go? HE isn't going to leave, so she will have to. How is that going to improve the life of most women? Struggling financially, living alone, working all the hours God sends to try and pay the bills and make ends meet, running a separate household, with rents at an all time high, many places £800-£900+ a month just for the RENT, and council tax £200 a month for some.

A few posters always come onto these threads and make out they left their husband and it was the best thing they have done in their life. They just LOVE their own company, and have a wonderful life full of friends and hobbies and holidays abroad without a grumpy, smelly man!

The reality of just leaving after 30-35+ years is quite different for many women (and men tbh.) It's not the wonderful, freeing, glorious dream some posters make out it is. Unless there is abuse or repeated infidelity, it's bizarre to suggest that a woman just walks out on her home, her marriage, her life, her security, and everything she knows, purely because he husband is 'grumpy...!' As has been said, men go through a male version of the menopause, and I'm sure every female poster on here has things about her that annoy/piss off their husband.

@terracottasucculent As some posters have suggested, you need to create some hobbies and interests that exclude your DH, so you can have some time alone. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and being together all the time isn't healthy for any relationship. My husband drives me mad some days, with his constant talking and following me around when I'm trying to do chores, so we can 'chat' and he is a bit needy, but I'm not going to bloody leave my home and marriage because he annoys me a bit some days!

I'm sure I annoy him some days too. It's part of marriage, and living together. We also have some laughs and good times, and meals out and daytrips together, and enjoy watching movies together, and going to the theatre. AND we do things alone and with friends (well, I do - while stays at home! He doesn't do a lot on his own.)

But yeah, saying 'just leave!' when a woman comes on here complaining about her husband is ludicrous. This is real life, not a Hollywood movie!

Couldn’t agree more.
I know our DDs struggle to connect with him sometimes and that’s really hard to watch.
He seems to have lost some joy out of his life , but he’s missing out on so much.
He often retreats to the living room when the girls and I are in the kitchen, listening to music, chatting and laughing.
He used to be a big part of that.
He still does sometimes but not as often as he used to 😮‍💨

My parents are 91 and 89. Their focus now is entirely on each other - they put each other first one hundred percent. It was not always that way. They were uber sociable, when I was a teenager i remember many rows (i now wonder if mum was going through menopause) and sometimes thought they didn’t like each other. But they stayed together. And looking back I think you just change and develop as individuals and as a couple. Your current grumpy partner may not always be that way, you may become grumpier, etc etc … I guess my takeaway is it’s worth really talking to him and pointing out the effect his behaviour has. We can and do all change. I suspect the secret to those who stay together is just not leaving!!

Oh this was me. I began to dread the kids leaving.

We’re divorced now; he’s happier, and I’m happier, with a new partner who is so much more calm, kind,
approachable, and is more of a natural optimist.

The constant low-level grinding moaning was really making me very miserable indeed.

What’s wrong with leaving an unhappy life for a happy one? You’ve lost me.

This is what my grandparents said to me when I asked them how did their marriage last 70 years. My GMA said that they got to a point where they just decided they would stay together.
nothing more. Nothing less.
And to never go to bed on an argument!!

He really sounds like my 67 year old dad. Luckily my parents have a big house so they have plenty of space to keep away from each other!

Yep - same here. Late 40’s and him mid 50’s. It’s like living with a less cheerful Victor Meldrew😂

Hes always been a bit Eyore inclined, but its ramped up the last few years and we are in a really enviable position financially, he’s really not got any great concerns to be worried about in my eyes. It’s exhausting. I’ve told him over and over to snap out of it but he just doesn’t seem to be able to. Just this morning there was a minor annoyance and he started grumbling, I pointed out I’d seen it, and it was being dealt with but couldn't he see the daffodils, hear the birds, feel the sunshine? “Yes, but…” and on he continues with his moaning. He just seems unable to see the joy in anything anymore.
I think for him he used to be super fit and strong and the simple facts of getting older and weaker worry him.
Menopause started early for me, 38, and now I’m just pretty calm about most things - nothing much really matters in the long run, so I can’t share his level of agitation about stuff. He's no longer allowed to watch the news!

My plan is once the kids are moved out and settled, we will buy a holiday home somewhere. Then I can bugger off there when he’s annoying me!

I’m loving this thread because I feel so less alone, although I’m sorry for all of us who are suddenly living with some one who can’t see the the bright side of life anymore.

just hoping it’s the manopause and that this too will pass

Hi OP, DH and I are in our early 50s and have DC of similar ages to yours. I wouldn't describe DH as grumpy exactly, but he is heading in that direction. Career stress in recent years hasn't helped (as you mention too).

Anyway, what has made a difference to him is joining a gym - a nice one with a cafe and a spa etc. He now has a place to get out of the house for a few hours - after going to the gym he might sit in the sauna for a while and maybe have a drink in the cafe while watching the football. He's even started doing yoga classes! He comes home happy and relaxed. It's not cheap but it has been really good for him.

Because this is a really really individual thing and I think @Zov put it very well - if you have lots of friends, a family you get on with and plenty of cash to house yourself ok and maybe work or assets or a big pension then it’s a very different scenario, but many women do not, there are still a lot of couples in this age group renting , often privately, or with little equity , debt , and with lower paid employment or part time or little in the way of pensions - you aren’t usually of an age where you are going to be getting child maintanance to top it up even if getting benefits either if I’m honest. For many it’s not all a nice little flat in a good area, cruises with friends and doing your own fun thing, it can be a hard and lonely slog - and I know a fair few women my own age (64) who have stayed together mainly for financial reasons and just gradually added in doing a bit more ‘away’ from these grumpy blokes.

Do you have dogs? I recommend a dog. X

You need (more) friends! Of course housework, cooking, watching TV and scrolling on your phone aren't going to make the next 30 years interesting. Friends are what make life enjoyable.

All of us at this stage need to be purposeful about the next stage. Make a plan. Visualise what a wet weekday in February looks like when it’s just us and partner are in the house. Are there things you can do together, things you can do alone with friends / new friends? Within your financial means, is there a bucket list you’d like to tick off? There are so many volunteer roles - even having one definite thing in your diary every week will provide structure.

See also golf club!!

It seems like this is resonating with a lot of people for the last couple of years my husband seems to be struggling with finding any joy in life. He wakes up in the morning and sighs, moans about still being tired and achey, then once he gets up getting dressed is stressful, he can never find x or y and life just seems to take more effort than it should, he's not argumentative, just not happy.
There's to many jobs to do around the house and garden it's overwhelming and he complains about it but doesn't get around to addressing any of them.
I spoke to him about it the other weekend and suggested maybe he should speak to the doctor as he seems more anxious and stressed with life in general. He was blind sided and was shocked I thought that.
When I pointed out examples for things from that day and that perhaps talking to someone might help, his response was "You're my someone, I talk to you"
He genuinely didn't realise how draining living with him had become, he was literally just sharing all his frustrations but no joy. Now he's aware, he's not turned into a bundle of fun overnight, but we are finding, if we make time to spend quality time together, we do still enjoy each others company.

It's easy to let day to day life flow and to drift apart, having been focused on kids and not each other for so long, the idea of it just being the two of you is daunting, but if you try to reconnect maybe the relationship will improve.