Happy marriage but questioning lifelong monogamy: talk to husband or not?

[Isthisacrisis]

I'm a long term poster but changed username. I have used chat gpt to help me arrange my thoughts but this is very real.

I’ve been with my husband since I was 17 and I’m now in my mid-30s. We have children together and, honestly, our life looks pretty perfect from the outside – and in many ways it actually is. He’s a wonderful husband and father. We have a good sex life, we make time for each other, and we also have our own hobbies and independence. There isn’t some big relationship problem sitting underneath this.

But over the past couple of years I’ve found myself feeling increasingly strange about the idea that he will likely be the only person I ever have sex with for my entire adult life. I’ve never really experienced anything else. It’s not that I’m unhappy with him or looking to replace him – far from it – but I sometimes feel curious about whether the expectation of lifelong monogamy is something that actually works for everyone. I (like many people) sometimes feel attracted to others and I get a kick out of knowing they're attracted to me.

For context, I grew up in quite a chaotic home with a lot of trauma. Looking back, I think a big part of me was searching for safety and stability when I got into my relationship. And I did find that with him. Our life together is secure and loving, which is something I value hugely.

Recently though I’ve found myself questioning some of the assumptions around marriage and monogamy. I’m not sure I believe in “the one”, and I tend to think love is more about deep care, respect, companionship and enjoyment of each other. I’m not convinced those feelings necessarily have to exist with only one person for an entire lifetime.

So part of me wonders whether it’s possible for a couple to be happy, committed partners and parents, but still occasionally have sexual experiences with other people. I know that for some couples that works, but I also know it can go very wrong.

My children’s security and stability is absolutely the most important thing to me, and I would never want to risk damaging our family life. At the same time, I’m wondering whether these thoughts are something I should talk about openly with my husband or whether even raising it could cause hurt or damage that can’t be undone.

I genuinely don’t know how he’d react. He might be completely against the idea, which I would respect, but I worry that even mentioning it could plant a seed or make him feel that what we have isn’t enough.

So I suppose my question is:
Would you talk about these feelings with your partner, or keep them to yourself? And has anyone been in a similar situation where a very happy relationship still came with questions about monogamy?

Please be kind – I’m not looking to blow up my marriage. I’m just trying to understand my own feelings.

You’ll probably get a lot of mixed responses here, but I understand what you’re saying. I’m guessing your DP is the only man you’ve ever had sexual relations with? If this is the case then I for one think it’s perfectly normal/natural to wonder about what it’s like with someone else. Don’t let people guilt you into thinking it’s strange, even the happiest of married couples fantasise about other people. But if you are to open your relationship, you also have to consider that your husband will also be having relations with other women - is this something you’d be ok with? Has he ever voiced his opinion on open marriages before, or shown sexual interest in other women? Maybe try easing it in casually first, such as pointing out someone pretty on the tv and encouraging him to look - do you think this would interest him?

If you've got a happy marriage and a good sex life as things stand then you might be seriously disappointed with sex with another bloke. The grass isn't always greener and sometimes it can be positively mucky. Unless you think your DH is on the same page as you (wanting to have casual sex elsewhere) then no shit he'll be hurt.

Well there are various ways this could go.

1. he is horrified and upset. What do you do then? Even if you say ok no worries I won’t, he may feel hurt that he “wasn’t enough” and you wanted to look elsewhere.

2. he is delighted, says he’s been having similar thoughts, and signs himself up to Tinder. How do you feel about that?

3. he reluctantly agrees, but only because he’s worried he’ll lose you otherwise. What do you do then? Do it or not?

And of course, if either of you does try hooking up with other people, that opens potential for one of you to find someone you prefer…

Ultimately I think you need to decide whether this sexual itch is worth risking what sounds like a happy marriage and family. Personally I doubt it would be. Why not try some changes in your sex life with your husband first?

I think your secure and happy life with your partner and children isn't worth risking for the thrill of having sex with someone else 🤷‍♀️ maybe there are some couples who manage that but I suspect they're few and far between and it is fraught with danger.

I think monogamy is a choice, it's something we choose to be able to provide a stable family life. There are nearly always temptations in a long relationship to look elsewhere, especially when things aren't going so well and the drudgery of everyday life means we feel we're missing something.

At the end of the day, you know your partner best and only you can say if this is something you feel you can discuss with him. But you could definitely be opening a can of worms so I would think very carefully about whether it's worth risking what you've got.

It could be your current state of thinking may be somehow connected to you growing up in a chaotic household. Safety and security now with your husband are to be indeed prized. If it ain’t broke don’t fix it!. The grass is not always greener on the other side. It’s just more grass.

Did you ever have therapy as an adult for your childhood?. If not I would consider therapy now because it needs addressing. Talking to a BACP registered therapist could help you no end.

You are bored qnd it’s as simple as that in my eyes.

how old are your kids? Just wondering if this is something you can put on ice until they’re older if you’re worried about the impact this could have when you come out on the stability of your relationship
also.. if you have young children this could be a root cause of your feelings now, I think we all crave a different identity, some excitement and to be desired and seen as someone who isn’t mum, you might find that if you and your partner invest well in your relationship then when the kids are older things could spice up and you can start dating each other again
but whatever the weather you shouldn’t feel shame for you feelings, they are valid and normal I’d say, just be prepared for the very likely outcome that your partner will not take this well, there is a small minority of people I would say have the self confidence to not be crushed by their long term partner expressing thoughts that they want to look elsewhere, we can dress it up as much as we want but it really does boil down to your current relationship not being satisfying enough on some level

There has been a couple of threads that I can remember along the same lines as yours . And as usual my first thought is that you have got what so many women would give their eye teeth for: a good marriage, with a "wonderful husband and father" and everything is great.

Everything that is ,apart from the fact that although you have everything a lot of people could only dream of you want more.

That you would even contemplate blowing the lives up of your H and your DC to pursue sex with other people beggars belief to me. If you raise this with your H then it will change your marriage. Whatever his response you will not have the same relationship with him once he knows your life with him isn't enough for you.

Why not keep this as fantasy rather than spoiling what you already have.

I would maybe explore all of this with a therapist before talking to your husband about it, to get to the bottom of your feelings and what you actually want. I think there is a risk of damaging your marriage permanently even by bringing it up as as a possibility and so you need to be 100% certain that that is a risk you are happy to take.

I think you should keep these thoughts to yourself unless you want to damage your children’s stable home. Would it be worth doing that just to scratch a sexual itch?

You’ll never be able to take back what you say to your DH. He’ll never forget that he’s not enough for you. I suggest that you go to counselling to make peace with your childhood, and to discuss your feelings about your marriage.

What’s wrong with having just one sexual partner for life? Are you his only sexual partner? I’ve been with my DH since I was 18. Together for over 27 years so far. Married. One child. DH and I are each other’s only sexual partner. I have some curiosity about what it would be like to have sex with a different man but it passes. I’m not curious enough to destroy my life with DH and DD. Any time any sort of sexual boredom sets in is when we decide to try something different. A different toy, a different position, role play, etc.

All of these responses are exactly what's been going through my head.
I have had sex with a few other people before him but just teenage flings I can barely remember. I have always received lots of attention and have turned so many men down, I'm not saying that to sound like I'm bragging but I've had plenty of opportunities and obviously have never acted on or persued anything.
No I've never had therapy. I know that I need it but it's very hard to justify the cost when I'm managing my life fine. Between full time work and other priorities like childcare and exercise I just don't know when I'd do it.
I realise I sound like I'm looking for justification and a way to get the best of both words. I also realise I have a messed up view of relationships probably but I'm just questioning why it has to be that way. To 'prove' that you love someone? So there's no jealousy? Can you be partners, parents, have great sex and still sometimes have a random bit of fun with a stranger? I suspect the answer is a hard no and I certainly don't know of any couples that are 'open'.
It's easy for me to say this now but no, I don't think I would mind him having occasional sex with other women. As long as it didn't interfere with family time. But I guess the lines get blurred there. Neither of us have ever had any jealousy issues or trust problems. I chose him for this reason as that's something I saw a lot of in my childhood.

If a man had asked this question, then predict it would be LTB

How do you feel about your husband having sex with other women?
And maybe preferring them over you?

I think if you genuinely don’t care about your husband having sex with someone else then your marriage is probably not working well. And thays what’s at the root of this, you’re maybe bored or unfulfilled, not getting the attention you want. I also think it’s potentially something you’re saying as you don’t want to really be with him anymore, you just want him for the lifestyle.

id think about your marriage, not about it as a family or lifestyle, if this is you just don’t really want to be with him anymore and don’t give a shit if he is with anyone else, then none of us can guess if he feels the same.

really what you want is to stay together for the lifestyle but behave like a single woman,

Here's the thing though - we often develop feelings for people we have sex with, presumably you're only going to want to have sex with someone you have chemistry with and are attracted to. And developing those feelings will impact on family life.

Do you actually love him for who he is or just what provides for you? You’re really not sounding like you love him.

Lifelong monogamy isn’t for everyone. The divorce rate reflects that. For others it’s exactly what they want and it works and both partners honour it.

A divorce will cost more than therapy.

Watch the Open House experiment on Channel 4.

No I've never had therapy. I know that I need it but it's very hard to justify the cost when I'm managing my life fine. Between full time work and other priorities like childcare and exercise I just don't know when I'd do it.

Hmmm I am not sure of the logic here.

You can’t justify the cost and time for therapy, but finding time for extra marital sex would be feasible? Remember you’d have to do more solo child care because you’d need to look after the DC whilst your DH had his extra marital time too.

As you had turbulence during your childhood perhaps you need to explore whether, at some level, that is something that became your normal?

Yes I do love him, he is my life partner and has been by my side for over half of my life. He is kind, hardworking, caring. I'm incredibly proud of him, he makes me laugh, he makes me feel loved and safe and like many relationships, my love for him grew deeper when we had children. I worry about him when he has a long drive, I miss him if either of us is away. Is that what love is?
But do I get butterflies every time he walks through the door? No, but I'm always glad to see him. Do I message him constantly when he's away or busy, no, I know he thinks of me. We don't gush about eachother, I don't expect materialistic gifts and elaborate acts of dedication and neither does he. I don't think that's what long-term love is. But after 17 years, I know him and he knows me to a level only we understand. I don't know how else to describe it but we love eachother. We are 'us' and that's all I've ever known.
I feel enormous guilt and shame about these feelings and don't want to come across like I don't care because I do. I'm not saying I want to act on them I just don't know what do with them. I'd normally share everything with my husband but obviously can't share this with him or anyone in real life.

A good few years ago DP and I did a sort of online questionnaire thing. It was full of questions for every conceivable kink or sex act - from "Do you enjoy being tickled" to "Would you like to be spanked" and "Would you like to spank your partner" to "Would you like a threesome" to some stuff I had to go and google to find out what the hell it was! You both filled it in separately, and for anything where the answers lined up, it tells you.

It was good because lets say you're up for a bit of non-monogamy, but your partner isn't, then they're never going to find out you said Yes. But if you did both answer yes to it, then it'll tell you and you can at least have a conversation about it knowing your partner isn't going to leave you for even suggesting it.

I can't remember what the one we used was called so don't want to recommend the wrong one, but I just googled and theres a few of them in existence.

There's nothing that says a good relationship has to be completely monogamous, every relationship has its own boundaries and limits. There's plenty of marriages out there that have involved a bit of swinging and survived the distance.

Personally, I've never seen sex as something that should only be done with your life partner, any more than a game of tennis is. Sex is just a physical act for me, it doesn't mean any more than that. DP feels differently, and if the trade-off for spending my life with her is that I only ever have sex with her, then that's a trade-off I'll happily take.

Therapy is definitely worth a try before something as life changing for the DC as suggesting an open relationship - have you read up on different types of attachment?

You've actually got everything that most people on the planet can only dream about. Yet you want to risk everything for what exactly?

If you value your marriage etc then no, don’t say anything to him. You don’t no how he would react and in reality if you both started sleeping with other people there is a reasonable chance one of you will fall for someone else. I think honestly plenty of people would like the idea of sex with a new person, but you are a grown up in a committed happy marriage with children, so it doesn’t mean you have to act on it.

If your marriage doesn’t work or you aren’t bothered if it fails then that’s different, but sometimes you can’t have everything you want and have to pick the most important thing and prioritise that.

Yes, and I also have a degree in education and psychology and have specialised in working with vulnerable children so attachment theory is something I'm highly aware of. I'm very conscious of how it still effects me and have no doubt that it's all related. But that doesn't stop me feeling like I do.
I swing between feeling like I'm on a path of self destruction to mess my life up (on some subconscious level I must think this is what I deserve, no surprise there) and thinking, it's just sex, we still love eachother, so what?
Maybe hormones have something to do with it as well. I'm 6 months into not having any hormonal contraception/being pregnant or breastfeeding for first time since being 16 and wonder if my sudden attraction to strangers is something to do with this.

You say you love him and know him at a level only he and you understand but l would guess he is not going to be so understanding if you broach this idea. Supposing he is is horrified and deeply hurt by the suggestion as well as feeling shamed and inadequate? Imagine that you risk destroying his and your children's lives just by mentioning it? Could you cope with that and with the possible fall out?
As a pp said I would advise you to examine your thoughts and the possible consequences in therapy. It's definitely worth it financially as the cost to your relationship would be much greater.