Husband told me to fuck off because I had asked for help cleaning.

[MrsCompayson]

I am so tired. I can only give the short version of this. Sorry about spag.

My daughters boyfriend came to our house for the first time yesterday. (He was lovely and it was nice to meet him)

I asked on Friday if he(husband) and the boys could help tidy up. My son said yes right way, my husband had to be asked twice, he begrudgingly said yes. He is usually like this about most things, will not be drawn into a conversation/ agreement. So Saturday morning I ask for the help he says, well we would have to stop what we are doing? (They where working)

So I just got on with it, he made me feel like I was being unreasonable. Cleaned for 3.5 hours, he didn't even comment, after me cleaning his shit from the toilet and pubic hairs off the bathroom floor. I do this every week its my job, its fine normally, but I had so much more to do because I did things I normally wouldn't because I didn't want to embarrass my daughter, she goes to a very good school friends and boyfriend are all quite well off.

Today I said I was upset that he didn't help after saying he would,I said it calmly, no swearing, no raised voices, he told me to fuck off, coldly, bluntly, turned towards me and said, stop moaning and fuck off. I just can't cope with this anymore. Go on tell me because he works( likes to think he is some sort of intellectual/academic)and I home ed and am a student (second bog standard degree, so I can get a job after we have finished home ed) I should be his personal skid mark cleaner. I make his lunch, pick up his washing, no more. I am fed up.

No kids around when this happened, but I just snapped, I just remember saying dont speak to me me like that over and over again. No, its not the first verbal abuse he has thrown at me.

He also said he didn't help because he forgot and he needed a list.

Someone else will say it if I don't..... you shouldn't be asking for "help" with something that is everyone's responsibility. Cleaning isn't exclusively your job, after all.
So you allocate/agree everyone's responsibility (which might be a bit less for the kids, depending on their ages). Let's say it's therefore your husband's job to clean the bathroom and the hall/stairs. If he's not willing to do his fair share, then he'll have to pay for a cleaner.
I think it's also pretty obvious that he shouldn't be telling you to fuck off!

Yup. 💯 but that will require you to stand up for yourself.

This is contempt. The only way to deal with it is to end the relationship. It shouldn't ever be okay for you to clean the shit and pubes of another adult off the toilet, unless they are disabled.

He sounds like an arsehole but you already know that. I guess you need to ask yourself if you want to continue to live as a skivvy for a man who despises you.

What's the plan with home Ed? When does it finish, how are the kids taking qualifications, what's the barrier to them attending school?

He views you as a servant.

I would put the escape plan together now and think about getting a job and getting out sooner rather than later.

So he fancies himself as an intellectual, yet can’t do some cleaning without being provided with a list? 😂

Weaponised incompetence at his finest, what a 🐓

However, he’s unlikely to have a lightbulb moment and sorry to be blunt but it doesn’t sound like he likes you very much.

He does despise me. Its our 16 year wedding anniversary on Friday, been together 21 years, 3 kids.

Can you start working on a plan to leave him, even if it is a long term plan?

A future without him must surely be more appealing than another 40 years of him looking down on you?

I’d give him an anniversary present he’ll never forget. Divorce papers.

Hi, kids will do GCSEs in school,my middle son is starting 14-16 collage in sept. Daughter is in 6th form already, 10 year old will go to the same 14-16 collage. I want to finish home ed off with him, it wouldn't be fair to disrupt him.

Are you both working through the week. But he still sounds awful swearing at you like that whatever the circumstance. It's abusive.

This. Waiting years more isn’t really an option, he’s abusive, you must have an escape plan and put it into action.

Presumably he was on-board with the idea of you home-edding?

To me is sounds like he is done with yhe situation. Maybe you should be too

Yeah, he thinks very highly of himself and seems to hate me. What have I done to deserve that? He works full time so he feels he doesn't have do any housework/family thinking/all that stuff.

He does home ed as well as he is a teacher, but on his days he does home ed work but doesn't have to cook, clean, I do that. He has everything managed for him and is still miserable and angry. I am just moaning now.

This isn't a new thing he has always been like this to varying degrees.

Yes, mutual decision.

I would seriously consider sending the 10 year old to secondary school. 4 more years of being dependent on your H sounds insane. It's a high risk strategy and if he does move for a divorce, you will need to do it anyway in order to work.

By 'situation' you mean a 21 year relationship? Well the great man presumably could have articulated that, not just told me to f off?

You're not wrong. He does hate you. Where you're going wrong is in asking what have you done to deserve that. It's not about you. It's about him. He has a problem with hate and contempt. Once you accept that, you'll be able to walk away from him. He sounds horrendous. Imagine hating on someone else when you're an adult who won't even clean your own shit off the toilet.

Get a cleaner

Dear OP,
Put your DC back in school.
You get a p/t job whilst you finish your Degree.
Start getting all your ducks in a row right now!
Plan your escape for a new life without this ####!
Please leave this abusive relationship OP.
He has so checked out and you deserve MUCH MORE!
Stay strong and stop clearing up his mess!
And give him a list to do ALL OF IT!
You can do it!

... and get a cleaner that he pays for too!

This, who chose home ed? Is he happy with being the sole income provider?

You would think.

I'd take him at his word and actually fuck off. Or have him fuck off. Either way. I wouldn't live with (and definitely wouldn't skivvy for) anyone who spoke to me like that.

He isn't happy about anything! But yeah mutal decision to home ed and for him to be the sole income provider.

He has quit a few times though, that I have supported, he has changed careers, took pay cuts to try to make him happy. I took over for a while while he stayed at home. His choice to go back to full time work that time as well.

He has been unable to make any progress in his teaching career as he made it his business to be an agitator, a pain in the arse Union rep so he was never focused on progression,earning more money. Again I supported! Silly me.