Husband told me to fuck off because I had asked for help cleaning.

[MrsCompayson]

I am so tired. I can only give the short version of this. Sorry about spag.

My daughters boyfriend came to our house for the first time yesterday. (He was lovely and it was nice to meet him)

I asked on Friday if he(husband) and the boys could help tidy up. My son said yes right way, my husband had to be asked twice, he begrudgingly said yes. He is usually like this about most things, will not be drawn into a conversation/ agreement. So Saturday morning I ask for the help he says, well we would have to stop what we are doing? (They where working)

So I just got on with it, he made me feel like I was being unreasonable. Cleaned for 3.5 hours, he didn't even comment, after me cleaning his shit from the toilet and pubic hairs off the bathroom floor. I do this every week its my job, its fine normally, but I had so much more to do because I did things I normally wouldn't because I didn't want to embarrass my daughter, she goes to a very good school friends and boyfriend are all quite well off.

Today I said I was upset that he didn't help after saying he would,I said it calmly, no swearing, no raised voices, he told me to fuck off, coldly, bluntly, turned towards me and said, stop moaning and fuck off. I just can't cope with this anymore. Go on tell me because he works( likes to think he is some sort of intellectual/academic)and I home ed and am a student (second bog standard degree, so I can get a job after we have finished home ed) I should be his personal skid mark cleaner. I make his lunch, pick up his washing, no more. I am fed up.

No kids around when this happened, but I just snapped, I just remember saying dont speak to me me like that over and over again. No, its not the first verbal abuse he has thrown at me.

He also said he didn't help because he forgot and he needed a list.

So the house is clean, pleasant and hospitable. I see it as en extension of the love and care I have for my daughter, making sure its nice? Make a good first impression?

And so he doesn't get my husbands public hairs on his socks when he uses the bathroom?

But your dd clearly doesn’t care about the house being tidy for him?

I’ve met plenty of ‘left wing dude bros’ like this who are now middle-aged and older.

Once they have had First Contact with postmodernism they build a bubble where, in their heads, women achieve equality by buying in the labour of poorer women (cleaners, nannies) while they, the men, do it all on their own of course.

Meanwhile he, the man, leaves his pubic hair and shit for a woman, any woman, to clean up; so he can specifically blame you while in his head you are exploiting him and potentially another woman if you end up hiring a cleaner. He’s already got you tutoring his DC for free.

You can’t argue with POMO-Man; you can only leave it.

It's for the benefit of the op and her daughter and the whole family. Who wants to bring guests home to an untidy, dirty house? How embarrassing

Is that important?

You say "they were working" when you asked them to clean-now personally, if someone is working (be that paid work or homework) I wouldn't ask them to stop and clean right then (obviously unless there's some urgent reason).
But I would think everyone in the house should do some housework. For the kids, that is obviously not a lot, and around homework. If I work more than my partner in terms of paid work, I should do more housework, and vice versa. But we should both do it!

Yes. Has she been brought up to swan off leaving others to tidy her mess?

It really isn't. Please ignore this nonsense OP.

Give it up.

Stop calling him your husband. He's the father of your children and a man you live with, but he's not on your side.

He has contempt for you, and is resentful and angry that you would dare to ask for this, because he views you as subordinate, probably because you're a woman.

Never mind what he told you before you got married - you're definitely not the first woman on here to marry an educated man who later turns out to be a chauvinist, once they feel like they have the power in the relationship.

The fact that he allows you to clean his skid marks from the toilet without embarrassment and may even feel entitled to it is just beyond. It really shows what he thinks of you.

My DH told me to F off once, only once, because I did exactly that. Packed an overnight bag and left.
I came home the next day to a very heart felt apology letter.

WAG (women and girls) must always be wrong, and responsible for what men do. Apparently.

Why should she clean up her father’s shit?

@MrsCompayson I was staying over at my partners house and he had done a massive shit and not flushed it. I called him upstairs and screamed at him and told him to clean his shit up before I use the loo. He was really apologetic and said he “forgot” but I don’t think he will “forget “ again - he couldn’t stop apologising lol and it was his house and not mine! Your husband should be cleaning up after himself, he has disgusting habits and it’s very disrespectful to you!

He said he forgot that he had agreed to help? He says he doesn't do these things on purpose and mocks me if I say he does, like oh yeah I am just sitting round plotting against you all day.

I dont know if its my own stored rage but I have hurt my neck this morning, its really sore.

My daughter is visiting Oxford today to explore the city in preparation for her hopefully getting a place next year.

I don't know how anyone even stays attracted to an adult that leaves shit in the toilet and pubic hair scattered around the floor 🤢.
That to me is even more disrespectful than the 'fuck off', and I don't even have anyone who swears at me ☹️.

I know, its nasty, but he just doesn't see it?!

He makes me feel like the disgusting one, for needing things to be secure and safe. Like he will periodically ignore me, sometimes for days, not on purpose he will just disengage and not want to be bothered by anything outside of his own space.

So that means no eye contact, smiles, jokes, compliments, agreements, plans. How has he made me feel like I am the ugly person?

Guessing you are either in your 30's or 40's, simply ask yourself do you want another 50 years of this life? Absolutely no way I would accept being verbally abused and treated like a slave.

I hope your children aren't being brought up think this is how girls/women should be treated my men.......

It’s just the worst type of mental abuse so you need to get out of there because if one day you do crack and throw an iron in at his head it will be along the lines of the divorce came out out of nowhere
They’ll be no documentation of this behaviour. There’ll be no witnesses to it. Nobody will collaborate your story. Everybody will just think you’ve gone nuts.

Yes I am 38.

My sons are beautiful and gentle and such willing helpers.

My daughter is so smart and independent. Its starting to feel difficult with her now though with a levels, uni and boyfriends in the mix.

I'm doing my best to try to help them be positive and kind people but also to be critical and challenge things when they need to be addressed.

The verbal stuff is all so covert and it seems like I am being fussy and demanding. But I know its not normal.

I know, that's what I am worried about. Its very hard to pinpoint alot of the time as well, you can't really describe it, its a sum of verbal (things said and not said) physical ( eye rolls, long exhales, dead, stone cold face and eyes, no eye contact, no smiles).

On its own its not bad, its when its all this together, when I have tried to plan something for the family or godforbid have tried to hold him to account about something, it is just like he ignores me, gets cross and lashes out.

As well after a long week when he has said nothing positive at all, no acknowledgement he complains about something, it just makes me feel so awful.

The last thing was the fridge was dirty and the shopping had just been delivered( that I do, getting things he likes) , he expected me to have done it already, its like everything has to be sorted already I have to always anticipate. I just flipped and said anything you don't think is up to a certain standard do it yourself! He felt entitled to pull me up on it. Then he said I didn't mean you should do it?

He mother left his father partly because of how useless and passive he was.

You are only 38. Firstly I wanted to say you had your daughter quite young, what a fantastic achievement that she is an Oxbridge candidate already.
You are a FANTASTIC mum.
But you don’t just exist to be a service provider.
This man is abusive. It always shocks people when a teacher is abusive at home - someone in a caring profession, there to protect and safeguard children, and a supposed role model.
Of course, teachers are human but this man is an abuser.
Everything you have described is appalling.
Please, please think about getting out. If you were my daughter I would want you away from this man.

I agree with @ThisJadeBear
All your husbands behaviours scream of gaslighting and covert abuse. Bring a teacher provides a good mask from what he actually is. Is there a big age difference between you?

Like he will periodically ignore me, sometimes for days, not on purpose he will just disengage and not want to be bothered by anything outside of his own space.

I don't know how you 'unintentionally' disengage from the people you love and live with for days at a time. He is either seriously unwell (which needs urgent attention) or, more likely, he's a plain old abusive asshole.

I am also sure you're not an ugly person, but ugly sure oozes out of the man who won't even make eye contact with his family. You sound fantastic, raising what sounds like fantastic children, who despite the horrible atmosphere they live in, sound a darn sight more cooperative and kind than their father.

I know it's difficult to believe this is your life, but please don't make excuses for the filthy specimen you are married to.

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