Husband told me to fuck off because I had asked for help cleaning.

[MrsCompayson]

I am so tired. I can only give the short version of this. Sorry about spag.

My daughters boyfriend came to our house for the first time yesterday. (He was lovely and it was nice to meet him)

I asked on Friday if he(husband) and the boys could help tidy up. My son said yes right way, my husband had to be asked twice, he begrudgingly said yes. He is usually like this about most things, will not be drawn into a conversation/ agreement. So Saturday morning I ask for the help he says, well we would have to stop what we are doing? (They where working)

So I just got on with it, he made me feel like I was being unreasonable. Cleaned for 3.5 hours, he didn't even comment, after me cleaning his shit from the toilet and pubic hairs off the bathroom floor. I do this every week its my job, its fine normally, but I had so much more to do because I did things I normally wouldn't because I didn't want to embarrass my daughter, she goes to a very good school friends and boyfriend are all quite well off.

Today I said I was upset that he didn't help after saying he would,I said it calmly, no swearing, no raised voices, he told me to fuck off, coldly, bluntly, turned towards me and said, stop moaning and fuck off. I just can't cope with this anymore. Go on tell me because he works( likes to think he is some sort of intellectual/academic)and I home ed and am a student (second bog standard degree, so I can get a job after we have finished home ed) I should be his personal skid mark cleaner. I make his lunch, pick up his washing, no more. I am fed up.

No kids around when this happened, but I just snapped, I just remember saying dont speak to me me like that over and over again. No, its not the first verbal abuse he has thrown at me.

He also said he didn't help because he forgot and he needed a list.

Not everyone can afford to get a cleaner, and in any case that wouldn't deal with the problem of the relationship. OP you need to get your plans in place for leaving him.

Imo he’s combative because he has no respect for institutions, people and processes. He’s shown himself to be disrespectful of you in the home, and of your daughter about the meal you were too unwell to produce. He’s also massively self-indulgent and immature.
He won’t change. It’s entrenched.
I’d take him at his word and fuck off if you can. Your children’s ages are perfect for a change in your life which is so badly needed.
You’re doing a sterling job as a mother. Don’t let him drag you down which is what he’s doing physically and emotionally.

Ha ha, thank you.

Agreed, it wouldn't deal in the slighest with the problems in the relationship.

As I've said before, lefty dude bros use the employment of cleaners and nannies/child-minders as evidence that their wives are happy to 'source out labour' and exploit other, lower-paid women.

Any accusation of hypocrisy is met by the man with 'I do my share'; followed shortly after by petty remarks like 'it's coming out of your salary' and 'I'm not tidying up for a cleaner - this was your idea'.

'Doing their share' involves a fraction of the amount of family scut work that their wife or female partner undertakes. Meanwhile, any success at work for the woman is met with 'you earned that on the back of a poorer woman's work, you know that, don't you?'

His work successes are of course his alone, rightly awarded to him and rightly earned by him.

Socialist misogyny 101.

'Socialist misogyny 101.'

Ha! Let me count the ways. Fucking "lefty" men. They make me sick.

Is it me or are they getting nastier?

He came home with very expensive perfume and a posh candle on Friday as an anniversary present for me.

I was greatful, they were very nice, but it's just a head fuck isn't it?

Trying to confuse me, does he care? doesn't he?

It's funny though he has told both our daughter and his dad about the very expensive presents bought for me. My daughter mocked him saying that she didn't even ask he just came out with it randomly on the was back from picking her up. He must feel very proud of himself.

He's backtracking with the gifts. He thinks you are stupid and you are not.

He knows that if he lived alone he would have to cook, clean etc. At the moment he has hotel service and he cannot, most of the time, be grateful.

Is there anyway your youngest can go to school do you can work outside the home? You can squirrel money away for when you leave then.

The coldness is contempt. My ex used to sneer at me which was worse than shouting because he really thought I was below him and/or he knew I knew he was soulless. Like your DH my ex was a hypocrite.

Simple, when he wants help with anything whatever, tell him to fuck off.

Please start your running away fund. Even if it’s just small amounts from the grocery shop, do it.
Just because things are the way they are now doesn’t mean they have to stay the same. You can home ed your youngest from a separate home and he can receive teaching from his dad when he’s with him.
All of your children will be glad of getting a break from their dad’s toxic atmosphere.
Your youngest is 10 and will easily transition to new surroundings; the others are more than old enough to cope with change.
Show them that you don’t have to be nice to horrible people.

This is key info. The unions breed misogynistic superiority and if he’s a shop steward and trying to climb that pole instead of a career based on his skill and work output, he’s not going to back down and respect you.

He's chosen a world where “work”
is always seen as a failing or abuse to be challenged. A world in which women are expected to make space for men everywhere — even in women-only spaces — and are told there are always more important issues that women’s reality & needs, except when it comes to prostitution, then it’s really important to champion men’s ability to sexually abuse women for money.

The unions have clearly shown what they think of women, and if he’s of that mindset there’s no point in trying to get him to appreciate you.

Yes, I’m entirely biased and bitter from experience with unionised misogyny. Any man who places a union above his own ability-based career is endorsing a system of bullying and baseless smug superiority.

Please teach your sons and daughter that this is not ok, not a “normal” family dynamic, and that this isn’t how you treat a partner.

Then, sweep the pubes of the bathroom floor and sprinkle them on his pillow.

This. I could have fucking written this myself.

I'm so sorry to hear from another woman who has suffered in the same way. Sending love ❤️

Back atcha. ❤ Let's hope the OP sees her reality and takes steps to prioritise herself and her children as her husband never will.

All the rest of that list is a reasonable suggestion but “put the dc back in school” just like that (as if it’s as easy as that) really isn’t. It would be horribly unfair on the kids. And you can’t just put teens mid year, mid course into school or college. The ops plan to see home ed through to the finish line is a wise one having got this far.

This is a thread from seven months ago...

This. You’ve even admitted he despises you, get your ducks in a row and leave. Nobody should expect you to clean a disgusting toilet after them. He hates you

You know you can just leave him for needing a list? For not clenw8ng the loo? For getting pubic hairs in the floor? For telling you to fuck off? For ignoring you?

Or just because you want to...

You sound like you're waiting for something bigger or justified in your own mind.