Husband told me to fuck off because I had asked for help cleaning.

[MrsCompayson]

I am so tired. I can only give the short version of this. Sorry about spag.

My daughters boyfriend came to our house for the first time yesterday. (He was lovely and it was nice to meet him)

I asked on Friday if he(husband) and the boys could help tidy up. My son said yes right way, my husband had to be asked twice, he begrudgingly said yes. He is usually like this about most things, will not be drawn into a conversation/ agreement. So Saturday morning I ask for the help he says, well we would have to stop what we are doing? (They where working)

So I just got on with it, he made me feel like I was being unreasonable. Cleaned for 3.5 hours, he didn't even comment, after me cleaning his shit from the toilet and pubic hairs off the bathroom floor. I do this every week its my job, its fine normally, but I had so much more to do because I did things I normally wouldn't because I didn't want to embarrass my daughter, she goes to a very good school friends and boyfriend are all quite well off.

Today I said I was upset that he didn't help after saying he would,I said it calmly, no swearing, no raised voices, he told me to fuck off, coldly, bluntly, turned towards me and said, stop moaning and fuck off. I just can't cope with this anymore. Go on tell me because he works( likes to think he is some sort of intellectual/academic)and I home ed and am a student (second bog standard degree, so I can get a job after we have finished home ed) I should be his personal skid mark cleaner. I make his lunch, pick up his washing, no more. I am fed up.

No kids around when this happened, but I just snapped, I just remember saying dont speak to me me like that over and over again. No, its not the first verbal abuse he has thrown at me.

He also said he didn't help because he forgot and he needed a list.

He has everything managed for him and is still miserable and angry

Stop managing him. Stop doing his washing. Stop cooking for him. Stop everything you do for him right now.

But you probably won't and that makes me very sad.

I would have taken him at his word. Turned on my heel and fucked off somewhere nice for a week, ideally paid for out of the joint account.

I have already set out what I will and will not be doing in future.

I also told him not to talk to me again, just about the kids, practical things, but he has just tried to tell me about something nostalgic about his childhood, , he never usually talks to me at all.

The more you say, the more of a thundercunt he sounds. No one deserves to be subjected to this hateful man. You definitely don't. How badly does he treat your children? Let me guess - he hates one of them and likes the other?

He knows he's gone too far and is backpedalling!

This 💯 OP

He has been unable to make any progress in his teaching career as he made it his business to be an agitator, a pain in the arse Union rep so he was never focused on progression,earning more money. Again I supported! Silly me.

I've met a few of those myself. Left-wing, middle-aged, very angry males. Strangely, most of them were also incredibly long-winded talkers and could make a ten minute explanation last several hours.

I know that two of them had sad childhoods with abusive dads, but I don't know if they all did. But I don't think that any of them found long-lasting happiness in a romantic relationship. They had deep-rooted issues.

I wouldn't say he hates one more than the other! But he is very inconsistent. He can be very harsh about rules sometimes then not interact with them for hours because he is absorbed with his work/phone.

I get what you are saying, he is now a middle aged man, but was been like this since the start of his teacher career, when he was in his 20s. Yes we met through left wing politics, how ironic hey?

There’s nothing left in this relationship for you OP. You have to find a way out. Meantime make it crystal clear to him that you are simply two adults sharing a house - for now.

You asked your DS and DH to help tidy, did you ask your DD?

So this man, a teacher, who presumably has some level of organisational skills, needs a list before he can contemplate cleaning?
Sounds to me like he has contempt for a lot of people, you included.
He sounds dried up, fed up and has probably seen younger colleagues progress past him because he’s a big mouth.
You should not be cleaning the way you are for him to tell you to fuck off. If he spoke to an actual paid cleaner in school like that, he would be sacked.
21 years is a long time but don’t waste the rest of your life on this man.
He is a a bully.

She was out.

I'm left-wing too, but I think there's something about the politics/trade union campaigning that attracts some very angry men with issues. Maybe they channel their personal angst into fighting against The Man?

What was the decision to home Ed based around? I don’t think it’s really fair on you tbh. I don’t know how you could cope with 4 more years of this?

Yes maybe. We used to go to meetings about womens oppression and he would always make a contribution at the end about how important women are to the struggle! What the heck happened?

No extra needs. We just didn't send then back after covid, we where working well, so for consistency we carried on.

My daughter has done very well in school, took her gsces, now doing a levels hoping to go to Oxford. It was partly due to his good teaching to be fair and her determination and her hard work.

My middle son will go to 14-16 collage in September.

@MrsCompayson you need to start making a plan to leave.

He is abusive abd you and the kids deserve better

Did she do anything to help before she went out. Seems unfair to expect everyone else to clean and not the person you’re doing it for

You sound like your children have done well, well done to them and both of you. I really think it would be best in year 7 that your son goes back to school as I think it’s in your best interests and not harmful to him either. My dc also thrived in lockdown however they really missed socialising with friends and day to day school life. Your husband sounds unbearable.

This is 100% why Johnny Depp ended up with a shit in his bed.

Honestly, I couldn’t bear it. My ex-husband had a lot of faults but he would never have done that and we still ended up divorced.

so you home ed, but your husband who works out of home as a teacher is the home ed educator?

She goes to a maths school.He does maths, science, logic, Latin. I do English, history, seasonal/nature studies, craft, handwriting, cooking, we get out alot. He does an hour a few week nights and they work at the weekend. I do 10.30-4.30 with the boys in the week, two hours of my own study a day and do all cooking/cleaning/shopping/admin/budgeting/kids stuff like medicine/appointments/daughters trips/ school stuff.

You get upset because he said ‘fuck off’ but he’s spent the last 21 years saying a big disrespectful ‘fuck you’ every time he left his piss and pubes for you to clean up. Wake up op. You deserve better.

Why bother cleaning for the benefit of your DD boyfriend?