Husband told me to fuck off because I had asked for help cleaning.

[MrsCompayson]

I am so tired. I can only give the short version of this. Sorry about spag.

My daughters boyfriend came to our house for the first time yesterday. (He was lovely and it was nice to meet him)

I asked on Friday if he(husband) and the boys could help tidy up. My son said yes right way, my husband had to be asked twice, he begrudgingly said yes. He is usually like this about most things, will not be drawn into a conversation/ agreement. So Saturday morning I ask for the help he says, well we would have to stop what we are doing? (They where working)

So I just got on with it, he made me feel like I was being unreasonable. Cleaned for 3.5 hours, he didn't even comment, after me cleaning his shit from the toilet and pubic hairs off the bathroom floor. I do this every week its my job, its fine normally, but I had so much more to do because I did things I normally wouldn't because I didn't want to embarrass my daughter, she goes to a very good school friends and boyfriend are all quite well off.

Today I said I was upset that he didn't help after saying he would,I said it calmly, no swearing, no raised voices, he told me to fuck off, coldly, bluntly, turned towards me and said, stop moaning and fuck off. I just can't cope with this anymore. Go on tell me because he works( likes to think he is some sort of intellectual/academic)and I home ed and am a student (second bog standard degree, so I can get a job after we have finished home ed) I should be his personal skid mark cleaner. I make his lunch, pick up his washing, no more. I am fed up.

No kids around when this happened, but I just snapped, I just remember saying dont speak to me me like that over and over again. No, its not the first verbal abuse he has thrown at me.

He also said he didn't help because he forgot and he needed a list.

Why does such a clever/educated man need a list to clean his own piss and hair from the bathroom!?!?
Just to make things clearer for the a-hole, I would draw up a rota highlighting everyone's roles and responsibilities and if he has the nerve to tell you that again, spray him in the eye with polish!!

Thank you, that's a really nice thing to say x

She has worked so hard and deserves to do well.

She rang before to tell me she had fallen over outside one of the Physics departments and was choosing not to see it as a bad omen, but rather her own Newton/apple, Archimedes/eureka moment. She thinks she might discover some new sort of 'gravity thing'!

Hi, Not a big age gap no, I am younger, but I suppose at 18 and 22 is was looking back. He had already finished his degree and started teaching.

Ha, oh god I would love to.

I did try to get a rota going but he was offended that he should be included on it because he 'does enough anyway'.

I honestly don't understand what he thinks men who's partners work outside the home do?! Like they have to cook clean and tidy as well, they have worked the same hours as him, maybe had to drop the kids off at nursery, pick them up bring them home, start tea, beacsue mum is still out working? Take sick days. He doesn't think any of that is his responsibility? I am so confused sometimes.

Our kids are abit older now but he never had to worry about any of those things when they were little. Us mums are always beating ourselves and each other up about working enough and contributing enough and being good enough but has my husband ever felt inadequate compared to say his work colleagues? Has he balls.

They work the same hours as him, as I have said he has never gone for promotion so doesn't do extra, no tlr (he has taken on extra classes this year that requires more work to be fair to him) But he is 'doing enough' and is too tired to do any housework, its not his problem, he works.

If he can’t see it, could you get some kind of highlighter spray like people do for dog poo on the pavement and spray it in the toilet bowl to help his eyesight? Disgusting pig.

I have just remembered as well, he fell asleep on christmas morning, I cleared up the wrapping made breakfast, cleaned up and he just feel asleep on the couch.

Pubic hair goes on his pillow from now on.

Take him to the toilet and ask him why he thinks it is okay to leave it in a state for others to clean up. His cock isn’t big/impressive/glittery enough to be getting in his way of using some cleaner and a toilet brush.

Stop cooking for him. No more washing his clothes. Absolutely no physical contact.

He treats you with absolute contempt. Nothing will change unless you go nuclear. He’s a hideous excuse for a man, and a terrible role model for your children.

This is contempt tbh, you shouldn’t have to clean up the bathroom after him. I’m a SAHM and DH has never expected me to make his lunch, clean up after him in the bathroom and he pitches in like a normal person. There is this weird breed of left wing men who seem to use being left wing as moral license to be fucking awful to women.

OP just stop doing stuff for him as much as you can and then leave when it’s convenient for you. You can’t change this, he is just like this and he thinks he’s fine.

I know, he hates me. That's really hard to accept.

I feel broken, I cant tell you how much it would improve my general wellbeing to just have a nice conversation each night, a bit of help with chores, a few smiles and for him to say something like, 'do you want to all go for a walk at the weekend'. He would never do or say, plan anything like that and I am just exhausted.

I was ill the day before yesterday, he didn't offer to make the tea, he didn't even ask me how I was feeling. My daughter told him off, because he was playing a computer game with our son and she said when I went to start tea, "no mum don't get up and make the tea, you shouldn't have to, dad your like a kid sitting there playing when mum is sick'. He was cross she said anything and then said, 'I have been working all day, why don't you do it', meaning my daughter.

He just hates me.

Yes, he was always so vocal about wonens oppression, but I always felt he though it was something that happened to other women, better women, not me.

I’m really sorry to hear you’ve been unwell
ajd it is so sad to hear his lack of care and consideration towards you. I think you need to make a plan to leave. You will be surprised - your kids will be happier as they can see right how how awfully he treats you and how it affects you. I think the plan should involve you spending time outside of the home - regular time for a gym, working part time, maybe put your qualification on hold to start carving a way out. You don’t deserve this. I was married to my ex husband who treated me like a domestic servant. It’s awful and I can relate. My partner of 6 years is completely opposite and I feel so happy now.

You need to find a way to end this. This is no way to live.
This is abuse.

He is out late tonight and the sense of relief has been amazing.

Hating the thought of him coming back later.

hopefully, some time in the not too distant future, he will be living alone in some damp, poky little bedsit where he can congratulate himself on his contribution to academia while he cleans his own shit off his rather grotty little toilet.

I know it's wicked, but I daydream about this sometimes.

Alot of his time at the moment is taken up with arguing with people on a poker forum about 9/11. I imagine him sitting there hunched over on his dirty couch on his phone.

I just think sometimes when he's doing that, it's not just when he is relaxing, its straight away when he gets home, how can you not want to look at your kids and talk to them? This time is so precious, especially if you have been out most of the day. I want to shake him sometimes and say look at what your missing.

He's a prick. The 'fuck off' when you calmly asked about helping you clean is clearly the tip of the iceberg. It might not be easy, but I think you need to make plans to leave him. He sounds horrid and you deserve better.

I can relate to what you’ve said about enjoying your husband being out. I used to actively encourage my ex h to go out or lads holidays. It was bliss him being away. Guess what - it’s permanent bliss since I divorced him. Nothing better than a peaceful man free house x

I have worked with a few teachers like this man and they went into the profession I have no idea.
They can’t stand kids and aren’t interested in their own. They are usually pretty crap in the role, and do the bare minimum.
Decent teachers I know don’t have time to game. Home lives ca my suffer due to lack of time but that’s due to marking, lesson prepping.
This man is coasting and coming home and treating it like a hostel and you like a servant.

Unfortunately and this is the biggest fuck you he could give, his new place will probably be immaculately clean, knob.

He has just left for work and seems he has forgotten it's our anniversary, I don't mean I am upset about no presents or cards, I just mean he didn't even say anything. It's 16 years married.

I know Its not important considering all the other unpleasant stuff, its just another fuck you, you don't matter, you don't exist to me.

I suppose at least I won't be aware and won't need to even consider what he is doing or not doing.

Op as you vent everything thars built up will cloud any good time you had together. For your kids sake ye need to have a conversation, if he’s getting all nostalgic he knows and if you break up I honestly think it’s better for the kids it’s on good terms. I’m not saying talk to him about plans to break up I’m saying have a rational, can you believe we’ve got to this, why do you think things have gotten like this, what’s the story talk to gauge the situation. Whatever happens with you both it’s not going to happen overnight and living in anger and resentment isn’t going to be good for the kids.

As others have said, start planning quietly to get out. Contempt is toxic, there is rarely any way back from it.
www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-contempt/

I understand what you are saying, but initiating talking, having to see him squirm and withdraw is just more emotional work for me.

He would then also likely start trying to defect onto me, 'why are you always asking me questions, nagging' and so on. Or he might just say, like he has done lots of times, I am not talking to you, go away.

I have plans for the two weeks and I am looking forward to going to the gym and studying in the coffee shop tomorrow.

Thanks for your comments everyone. It makes a difference to me that people are bothered to care.

Does he always say things like “ I’m not talking to you, go away”. That’s really disrespectful. Has he always had this kind of attitude?

I am glad you have plans and positive things to do. Do not give into your illness or your current situation wih the stupid meddlesome woman from your husbands workplace xxxx

Sorry! I got confused with another thread!
but I am still glad you have plans. Just focus on your and the dc. You are still so young! Too young to put up with this bull shit when you could get rid of him and in time find a man that deserves you and can give you love and care. And no pubes in the bathroom 😅