This is a long read - forgive me. I’ve had to ask ChatGPT to redact 14 pages of concerns I have about my relationship to make it mumsnet friendly.
I’m 29 with an almost 3 year old girl with another girl due in August. Partner 43 and also has teenage daughter.
Summary for Advice (Relationship + Disneyland Issue)
I’m currently debating therapy with my partner of 4 years whilst trying to understand whether my relationship is healthy/fixable or if I’m being unreasonable/the relationship is too toxic and I should leave for my children’s wellbeing.
Core issues in the relationship
- Communication breakdown:
- Any attempt to discuss concerns often escalates into arguments or shouting. I feel unable to revisit topics without being accused of manipulating him. I’m often interrupted, dismissed, or the conversation gets turned back onto him.
- Verbal abuse & disrespect:
- During arguments he calls me degrading names, mocks me for crying, and says I “love being the victim.” This has really affected my confidence and makes me feel emotionally unsafe.
- Emotional invalidation:
- My feelings are regularly dismissed as “dramatic” or “wrong.” I’m often told I twist things or exaggerate. Over time this has made me doubt my own judgment.
- Threats & intimidation:
- He has said things like I could “push him to hurt me,” and has even said he wanted to strangle me during an argument. I feel anxious about his temper.
- Physical incident:
- While pregnant, he repeatedly tapped my face after I asked him to stop, and when I pushed him away, he twisted my wrist.
- Control & ultimatums:
- He gives ultimatums (e.g. threatening to end the relationship or make me a single mum). I feel like I need permission to see family or do things independently.
- Isolation:
- He criticises my family and friends, which makes me second-guess their advice and withdraw from them.
- Parenting & household imbalance:
- I do most of the childcare and household work. He contributes inconsistently and says traditional gender roles apply, despite me also working.
- Financial imbalance:
- He says he “provides everything,” but dismisses my contributions (including childcare, money I’ve lent him, and things I’ve paid for).
- Impact on me:
- I feel anxious, on edge, isolated, and constantly second-guessing myself. My confidence has dropped significantly.
Disneyland Issue (Main Trigger for Therapy)
- My mum offered to take me and my daughter to Disneyland before I have my second child.
- I felt anxious telling my partner because of past conflicts around “family vs him” and “first experiences.”
- When I raised it, it quickly turned into an argument:
- He said going would be disloyal and taking away his “firsts” with our daughter.
- He gave an ultimatum—saying it’s my choice but clearly the “wrong” one.
- He refused to discuss compromises.
- This is despite:
- Him previously saying he’s unlikely to fly.
- Him never taking his older child abroad.
- I feel:
- Torn between giving my daughter opportunities and keeping the relationship.
- Guilty for even considering going.
- Like any decision I make will be framed as wrong.
What I’m struggling with
- I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if this is controlling/abusive behaviour.
- I worry I’ve lost perspective and confidence in my own judgment.
- I’m concerned about the environment this creates for my children.
- I feel stuck between:
- Doing what’s best for my daughter
- Avoiding conflict or relationship breakdown
What I need advice on
- Is this behaviour normal or does it sound abusive/controlling?
- Am I wrong to consider taking my daughter to Disneyland without him?
- How would others handle this situation?
- At what point do you accept things won’t change?
My partner will obviously have his side of things which is just as important, but I’m wanting to know if my side of things is enough justification to walk away, or if I’d be abandoning him and raising my children in a broken family unit (which he says is awful to do) if I could’ve prevented this.