Just been dumped by FWB 30 seconds after sex!

[Sleepingbaggage]

I honestly don't know whether to laugh at the sheer cheek of this, or cry, or neither because I possibly always had it coming.

I have been seeing a man casually for a year. We are both divorced and we were friendly acquaintances before. We began texting after our DCs were in the same show. The texts got flirtier and eventually sexual. We met for sex, it was great, and we have continued to meet every few weeks for a year.

This morning was one such meeting. It was great as usual but then immediately afterwards, like 30 seconds afterwards, he said that it would probably be the last time as he thinks it's run its course. That was the phrase he used.

I didn't know we were on a course! If we were, I certainly would have expected him to have ended it before shagging me not immediately afterwards. The CFery of that bit.

I didn't really know what to say. He has gone now and I feel a bit shellshocked. I will see him later at pick up and I don't quite know what to say! Oh dear.

Well you understand wrong, of course you can have sex without bonding. People do it all the time.

She doesn’t have feelings of loss you’re just making that up because it fits YOUR world view and isn’t shared by the OP.

She’s pissed off because he had no respect or manners. Your language ‘used tissue’ says a lot more about you than the OP.

Anyway I’m sure the OP will ignore your shaming claptrap and pay attention to people who are actually trying to be supportive rather than shaming.

The OP is after solidarity and not a homily (therefore it doesn’t matter that he’s not reading it) so maybe save that for those who are interested.

Um, wot?
Toothbrushes are for cleaning teeth.
FWB are for mutual fun.
The "lending" comparison doesn't make sense because the toothbrush doesn't enjoy brushing teeth. It's an inanimate object.
FWB arrangements need mutual respect as a bare minimum (and they can work great)

it worked for me.....

the question is about what you would put in your mouth......

I agree with this tbh.

He’s a fuck buddy, nothing more. You both meet for sex, which is what you did today. He doesn’t need to say thank you - weird suggestion! - because presumably you both got what you wanted from today.

If he texted you later, people would have complained that he didn’t tell you to your face.

What’s the issue with what happened today? It feels as if this is about embarrassment and hurt feelings. Neither of those have any place in a FWB situation.

You talk about respect but again I don’t think that’s the issue here. A lack of respect would have been saying nothing and ghosting you,

I think if you were dating the guy, casually or otherwise, this would have been awful. But with FWB the arrangement is temporary and you both know you’re meeting for sex and nothing more. There’s no deception involved. It doesn’t matter whether you were still in bed or he told you hours later - the important thing is that you know where you stand.

Absolutely don’t text him. He was just a fuck buddy and no matter what you say you’ll look needy and desperate. Act casual when you see him at the school gate - you’ve got nothing to feel embarrassed about.

Morally, if not legally, this is sex by deception. He knew you likely wouldn’t consent, he wanted it, he lied by omission to get it.

He’s scummy and doesn’t care about free, informed and enthusiastic consent.

Least not still inside you !!

that happened to a friend of mine. Similar set up. Fuck buddies

tho yes that was a bit ouch

and could have waited till got home or even this evening

hope you are ok

the timing was terrible and disrespectful but some men people lack the timing nuance. Like eating someone’s fabulous meal and then saying…I’m giving up carbs forever starting now. Rude
I hope you find another friend soon OP and I think there’s a better than 50% chance he will be back. Sometimes men people underestimate fabulous sex. Chemistry is a tricky thing
he was rude but you are not. Always end it on a high note. Be casual and friendly.

I'm not trying to shame anyone. I have a more remote way of looking at things and it's a manner of expressing myself.

Maybe OP can describe her feelings more precisely.

I think this is a result of the lack of communication between the two parties and the differences in viewpoint. I simply don't think they knew each other very well and this is a consequence of that.

You weren't using condoms anyway? Casual shags always need condoms. You're never the only one.

He's a prick and you now have the measure of him should he come back at some point.

Well in your date example, I personally would not find that rude. Saves wasting my time.

But your words like afterglow, and 'intimate' - these are words that are used to describe emotional as well as sexual experiences. You clearly have not been regarding this as just transactional sex, as you claim.

if I have a massage and then tell my masseur goodbye, that was my last one, is that rude? NO
If I buy a coffee at my local cafe and then say I goodbye, that was my last coffee here, is that rude? No.
If I man visits his regular prostitute for sex then says goodbye, that was my last time, is that rude? No

You are only seeing it as rude because you thought it was something more than mere transaction. That there was some sort of emotional connection there.

For him there was not. Yeah, I get that hurts. But please stop pretending to yourself about why you are pissed.

Exactly this. I had two nice, unproblematic, longterm FWB situations with decent guys I had nice, mutually-respectful sexual relationships with when we were not in a place for a relationship. I ended one, the guy ended the other one, both on friendly terms. I’m still in touch with both. One came to my wedding with the woman he’d ended our situation for, who is now his wife. No one ‘lowered’ or ‘degraded’ anyone. It was nice.

Im sure there must be a 1950s housewife/spinster forum for you somewhere???

Maybe one of the trad wives online communities in the US would suit.

All of this.

Lovely. And I bet it provided you both with something you needed at the time.

So pleased you both ended up with the right person!

The guy has been awful. But it can happen in any relationship. It could happen in a committed relationship. An ex of mine - we were together 18 months dumped me and as he was dumping me I said to him, we slept together three days ago. In fact he probably knew a lot longer than that that he was planning to leave me.

You could encounter this in any situation - someone making you feel like shit because they've slept with you when they've checked out of the situation

Only read @Sleepingbaggage posts but OP I don’t think you were naive or unreasonable at all. Nothing wrong with mutually enjoyable sex, but he broke the terms. It’s hideous bad manners to behave that way and I really think he needs to know that it’s a form of stealthing- when you know that consent would not be given if the other person were fully informed about your intentions. Stick it in copilot and ask it for something brief, cutting, and to the point. Then send it to him before blocking him, so he knows what a dickhead he really is and can stew on it for the rest of time. Bastard.

If you hadn't been seeing him for a year, I'd say that sounds like a 'pump-and-dump' - sleep with a woman then split up with her immediately afterwards. A win for the manosphere, tricking a woman into sex she probably wouldn't have consented to.

Tbh it may well have been his intention even though you had been seeing each other a while.

Don't get mad, don't try and get even with a 'clever' quip - he'll only put it on some forum for others of his ilk to smirk at.

Ghost, move on, and be on your guard when it comes to FWB. Online movements have created a lot of warped men.

Is there really such a thing as ‘friends’ with benefits? this was not a very ‘friendly’ thing for him to do.
To me FWB sounds like 2 people wanting selfish no strings sex with someone they don’t care enough about to be committed to / in a relationship with and, by the sounds of it in this case, until someone better comes along.
Surely you’re worth more than that OP?

OP has already said she'd do the same again. I hope there would be some boundaries in place the next time & not simply whenever you feel like a shag call me,or if Im feeling horny can I call you. The mind boggles 😂

Yes. The words used across this post are not consistent.

Well if that’s your manner of communication it’s not a positive one so I wouldn’t be proud of it. And if you’re not trying to shame the OP you’re doing a good imitation of it.

She’s described her feelings perfectly clearly and doesn’t need you to make things up or expect further explanation.

Yes it’s a matter of differences in viewpoint and the OP is entitled to judge him for his and so is anyone else.

@KitWyn And I'd worry the friendship would end badly when one of us meets someone we ARE strongly attracted to. How do you kindly say to your FWB 'Sorry, I've met someone', without the subtext being 'And they're better than you'? Why risk it?

I once had a FWB who wanted a wife, children and the whole traditional family thingy, me being the free spirit just wanted to travel and have fun. As friends and lovers we got along great but we knew as partners this was never going to work out as we wanted completely different things in life. Eventually he found the wife who wanted the traditional life and children. He was a nice guy so one day we met for coffee and he explained me he had found this person who wanted to be in a committed relationship and as much as he liked me he needed to end our sex hook ups. He broke up in a nice and considerate way as he didn't wanted to hurt me, I fully understood and wished him luck. To this day we're still friends and communicate every now and them, he's a good guy. Her wife was not "better than me", she was just want the same things as him.

The OP's guy could have called her and break up the kind way, explain this was not working for him because x,y,z and wishing her well, instead he chose to be a dick and act in a very unkind way.

As I said no shame intended. I hope the OP feels better soon.

Im probably going to be shot down for this,but I think "FWB" doesnt really satisfy many women TBH. Most women and some men too, feel they would rather have sex with a Boyfriend /Girlfriend that they have feelings for.He sounds like a player to me.Of course hes had his morning shag and is keeping his options open .To tell you like this is very harsh.I would not pay much attention at pick up ,dont giggle or send a text .Keep options open and see friends/ go out .If you meet someone else I would keep away from "FWB" type situations in future