Just been dumped by FWB 30 seconds after sex!

[Sleepingbaggage]

I honestly don't know whether to laugh at the sheer cheek of this, or cry, or neither because I possibly always had it coming.

I have been seeing a man casually for a year. We are both divorced and we were friendly acquaintances before. We began texting after our DCs were in the same show. The texts got flirtier and eventually sexual. We met for sex, it was great, and we have continued to meet every few weeks for a year.

This morning was one such meeting. It was great as usual but then immediately afterwards, like 30 seconds afterwards, he said that it would probably be the last time as he thinks it's run its course. That was the phrase he used.

I didn't know we were on a course! If we were, I certainly would have expected him to have ended it before shagging me not immediately afterwards. The CFery of that bit.

I didn't really know what to say. He has gone now and I feel a bit shellshocked. I will see him later at pick up and I don't quite know what to say! Oh dear.

This! In time I reckon you’ll be glad to be rid of him but some other poor woman is probably totally unaware of what he is like. Hope you are ok. I could have sex with the biggest arsehole in the world and still the bonding hormones or whatever it is makes me feel like I love him. O to be a man!

I think you did better than I would have done. I would have tipped him out of the house and thrown his clothes out of the window. Probably not in that order.

What a twat.

You’ve missed out the bit friend from Friends With Benefits. It’s not the same relationship at all as the one with your massage therapist. And why would you even say this is my last coffee to a cafe unless you were actually friends with them.

Sex is a different transaction, and you can’t compare it. It doesn’t mean you want more, expect marriage or declarations of love. It does mean you show some respect. If I had a friend who wanted to move on I wouldn’t want us to have a jolly night out and then say she’s dumping the friendship. It’s acting under false pretences.

Anyway I hope the OP has got enough support out of this thread and the MRAs and Tradwives will just continue to argue among themselves…

I’m grateful to you
for sharing @sleepingbaggage and I think this is a really interesting thread

if you had a small business and a regular customer bought something, then said ‘I won’t be buying things from you again’ , would you have been upset? Would you rather they’d messaged the night before and not attended to buy the last item?

presumably not. To me your understandable reaction to this man just illustrates the fact that it’s impossible to separate sex out from emotions.

Of course you were understandably hurt: as you say say, because you were doing something so intimate and vulnerable together, you thought he would have affection/ commitment/ loyalty towards you in some sense. ‘Manners’/ ‘respect’ doesn’t really make sense if it was literally just a business arrangement.

That's terrible, please don't take him back!

He’s not a friend though is he? I would warn other women personally.

Of course they can, and OP has explained the circumstances. But this isn’t about a ‘relationship’
However its titled, he’s behaved like a rat, basically using her. He so knew yet carried on as normal til after the sex! 😡
I would completely blank him, and forget him. He can take his shitty behaviour to the back of beyond. Hope someone does the same to him.

If you think this shitty behaviour is to be expected when having a no strings sex relationship... you really need to raise your bar with men.

Oh really this view is nonsense.
Fwb is just being a man's sexual partner when it suits the pair of you (which is fine, of course) not that he's actually a friend.
Men who actually want to be friends with a woman (which I'm also cynical about but that's besides the point) don't want to bring sex into it.
The term 'fwb' is a euphemism for goodness sake.

Sorry op he sounds a twat and you’re well rid of him.

The issue is, however, if you get into a FB situation with someone, it literally is just sex with no strings. He has no respect for you because he saw you as a sex toy that he could just toss aside when it was of no use to him anymore so ejaculating into you then disposing of you, is basically telling you all you need to know - he just saw you as a means to an end.
He made no commitments to you and you both knew the situation. He obviously never intended to have any sort of emotional connection and if you’re going to have a fb you can’t expect him to have one.
If you don’t want to be treated like this 30 seconds after sex then it’s probably better not to have a fb because 1. He probably has other women he also has a fb arrangement with and you’re just one of a few and 2. He’s probably now bored of it and wants to move on so he’s discarded you.
As awful as it sounds and as awful and as disrespectful his behaviour was, it was just sex, nothing else and that’s exactly how he saw it.

That's my point. OP is regarding this as FWB but there does not seem to be the friends bit, certainly not for him.

He sees it as transactional sex. OP is pretending she does too. But she does not. She is upset as she has realised the friends bit, the emotional bit was never there for him.

You are being highly unreasonable. A fwb is not a boyfriend. I'd argue that the 'f' is bullshit in the acronym anyway.

Men as a rule don't want to be friends with women full stop and those that genuinely respect a woman enough to be a genuine friend don't wish to muddy the waters with sex. Strange but true.

Just learn from experience and move on for heaven's sake.

Who are you the sex police?

You sound like you’re questioning your teenage child!!
It’s none of your business, if OP had a STI check, you’re unlikely to be infected,

And, OP hasn’t stopped contraception, so why do you keep asking that?

@Sleepingbaggage go to the school with your head held high, treat him with the disdain he deserves!

He’s a wanker!

And perhaps you weren't.

Agree with you and others about bad timing / lack of common courtesy. And also that he has probably met someone else that he wants to get intimate with.

But he might not have done the deed yet. You obviously did discuss STIs with him when you stopped using condoms, so would you feel able to text him and just ask if you need to get a test?

As to the speed thing, I have noticed with my own partners (over the years) that while I can be in a lovely post-coital afterglow for 10-15 mins, his brain seems to click straight back into gear ... "right that's done, what's next on the agenda?".

He's a twunt! I would be fizzing and feel like shit with the way he did this. I agree with the PP sending the message calling him out BUT he sounds like he will then think you have feelings for him urgh! Wanker!

If you were having sex without a condom, you should be having an STI test anyway regularly.

I have no doubt he will pop up again. I hope you say no thank you. And have zero conversation about it.

He was either a big fat perv in which case ICK you lucked-out of that one!

-or-

He was a big fat axe murderer who misplaced his axe on the day - and lucky for you he did!!

It isn’t you, dear heart - it’s him, the big fat weirdo.
Don’t spend another second fretting over this big fat loser.
You majorly lucked out.
I’m sending you love from faraway ❤️

What a prick, ignore him when you see him later!

I'm flabbergasted really to think that some people take the term fwb literally as in actually being friends and not the euphemism it clearly is.

Some of us are actually friends with the people we have sex with, and best part is we get treated kindly.

These men are unbelievable.

I think with FWB situations, they get pissed off and in shock that we don’t attach emotions to them after having sex. They read far too many misogynist content that woman can only have sex with emotions attached.

I’ve had a few FWB situations in the past and they’ve always insinuated a relationship. The ones that ended in a relationship shortly ended as they were clearly just wanting a confidence boost that a younger woman had agreed to a relationship with them.

I wouldn’t even block him just delete his number. No doubt he will message in the future and you ignore any messages. Will make him feel a lot more inferior that you weren’t bothered enough to block him and not interested enough to respond.

I asked AI OP and this is their take:

That is incredibly disrespectful and, frankly, cowardly. To wait until the act is over to announce an expiration date is the height of "using" someone. You aren’t overreacting; the "shellshocked" feeling comes from the massive emotional whiplash of going from intimacy to an arbitrary "end of course" speech in 30 seconds.
He prioritized his own physical gratification one last time over your dignity as a person he’s known for over a year.
Since you have to see him at pick-up, here is how to handle it:

• The Goal: Maintain your composure and power. Don't give him the "breakup talk" he likely expects (or fears).
• The Interaction: Keep it strictly civil and brief. A polite nod or a simple "Hi" is plenty. You don't owe him a conversation about his "course" in a school car park.
• The Message: By acting unfazed, you signal that while his timing was poor, his departure isn't the life-shattering event he might flatter himself into thinking it is.

If he tries to engage or "explain," you are well within your rights to say: "I’m focused on the kids right now. Your timing this morning was pretty classless, so I’d rather not chat. Take care." Do you want to draft a text to send him later to clear the air, or would you prefer to stay completely silent to let him sit with his own bad behaviour?